When You Envy Your Friend - How to Stop
92Try to Figure Out Where Your Envy Comes From
A good way to fight something like envious and insecure feelings is to first understand what may be at the root of them.
First, you should ask if your friendship is generally a competitive one in which there's always an undercurrent of awareness of who "gets the most points" in any area in life. If it is it isn't the healthiest relationship. If that's the case, and you're generally only envious or insecure around this, one, person; that would tell you something.
If your friend is a perfectly nice person who is "just minding her business and doing better at something" then the envy problem is a bigger one.
You're right that envy and insecurity go together, and we often associate a person's insecurity with having low self-esteem. What I've noticed about people who are envious is that their insecurity is often not about their feeling bad about themselves, but about their having an ego that makes them need to be Number 1.
There are people who either always want/need to be Number 1, and there are people who, when faced with a friend who is Number 1 in a number of areas, would like to be Number 1 at least some of the time. Such people don't always even care only about positive things, like who is most attractive or who has a better job. People who envy because of a wish to be Number 1 sometimes will even resent it if the other person has bigger life problems and is Number 1 in the "life problems department".
When people are just used to always being Number 1 in everything but then meet someone who seems to put them in second place, that can be upsetting. On the other hand, when someone has lived life seldom (if ever) being Number 1 at anything, being close with someone who is can remind that person of her own inability to ever be Number 1.
Another way ego can play a role in envy is when a person has enjoyed a lot of attention and admiration all her life, has come to feel like Number 1, and then meets up with a friend who "knocks her off" the "Number 1 pedestal" she's been standing on through her childhood (usually without having any attention of doing that kind of thing and often being completely oblivious to the fact that the envious friend is "keeping a score card" at all).
Sometimes envy isn't about who is prettier, has a better job,or a better house; but who has confidence in the person she is. An average looking woman, who has grown up to like who she is based on valuing character over drop-dead looks may be completely confident in who she is. A drop-dead beautiful woman, who thinks that the most important thing in life is to be beautiful, may resent the confidence and happiness of the average looking woman; when she (the more beautiful woman) does not have the same kind of confidence. In a case like this, the person with envy and resentment isn't envying the average looking woman's appearance. She's envying the confidence "such a woman" would have and believing that "such a woman" has no right to such confidence. In other words, sometimes what people envy isn't the beauty, wealth, or brilliance, itself. It is the other person's happiness.
Whether or not the other person is happy is always a separate thing from how beautiful, wealthy, intelligent, or talented she is.
Then there is the "she's thinks she better than everyone" kind of thinking that envious people do. A perfectly nice person, who has her priorities in the right place and respects other people, may be particularly good looking, have a lot of money, be brilliant, be talented, etc. This perfectly nice person may just be living her life, caring about and valuing her friends, and generally minding her own business. The person with envy with first imagine how "superior" the other person "thinks she is" - and then will resent that other person over what she has imagined!
Sometimes someone will only envy what matters to him. He may not envy the particularly wealthy individual because he may not care about money. On the other hand, he may envy the individual who grew up with two, loving, parents because that's the thing he never had and always saw as important.
People who have been the victims of envy and resentment will tell you that living life essentially being "attacked" and resented through no fault of their own is a crummy thing. Some people will even try to hide what positive things they have in order to keep from being hated. Others will just be who they are and adjust to living under "assault".
Sometimes a person who is envious will actually delude herself into believing something that will make her feel better. Examples are believing that a brilliant person must "have emotional struggles" or believing that a wealthy person must be more evil than a poor person. Again, this allows the envious person to believe something negative about the "innocent party", while still resenting her for what is obviously superior. It's a double-punch type of thing to the innocent victim; and this type of thinking packs the further punch of refusing to see the victim for the positive things she, as a person, is. It makes her invisible, and it is a "very effective" way of making her "go away" (at least on a mental level).
Envious people sometimes believe that there is not room for everyone to be "Number 1 level". They think in an "either/or" way, and believe if their friend is brilliant or beautiful then they cannot also be. They often don't realize that the positive things a friend has is of no consequence to them. Whether a friend is beautiful or wealthy is only about the friend - not about anyone else. Whether we, ourselves, could use a beauty make-over or a better job, has nothing to do with anyone else either.
Sometimes people who are envied have worked hard to get or be what they have/are. Envious people sometimes view them as "lucky", but much of the time what someone has or is is more about what they have worked for. There are times, of course, when one person has lucked out in life and just ended up beautiful or brilliant or wealthy. My girlfriend used to say how her mother always told her, "There will always be someone who is prettier than you and someone not as pretty. There will always be someone smarter than you and someone not as smart. Whatever it is, there will always be someone with more and someone with less, so there's point in even paying attention to what other people have."
People who have to struggle with feeling envy sometimes believe it is something everyone has. It isn't. There are people who don't have an envious cell in their being. Maybe the biggest factor in not feeling envious of others is keeping in mind that life is not a competition. It isn't the high school prom, where only one person gets to be Prom Queen. It shouldn't be about who gets the most admiration and attention from people. That's for children who feel they don't get enough attention from parents.) It REALLY shouldn't be about who has the flattest stomach or best hair. That, too, is for children and adolescents.
In life, there really is no "score card". There is only journey, and no matter how many people we have in our lives, each of us must make our journey alone. Deciding to focus on the more important things in life is a great way to stop paying attention to who has a better job, better education, better car, or better abs.
The person who asks how to stop feeling envious and insecure is a decent person who doesn't like how bad envy makes him/her feel. Recognizing how destructive envy is is something not all people who have it do. Reminding oneself of what is truly important in life can go a long way in battling feelings of envy. Truly understanding the root of those feelings, though, may be the most effective way to stop them from arising.
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Well, to my own knowledge envy is very bad, but I do agrre with the author that, there are some people who do not even have a cell of envy. Envious people are sick and they are already suffeing under the flames of their own sickness. To be happy of others and helping them is what will make our own candles litten.
Poeple think that by destroying others and not helping them, the other party will not survive but believe me, God always does the opposite.
I do not know , unti when I was looking for job and all the good people I have known, started betraying me and they all even cut contact with me, but as soon as all of them got out of my life, I had a job. Onething I have become wiser, I do not tell anyone else about my success anymore, because it has cause me more harm than good.
Out of joy I used to say it, but now I keep it on myself but you know what, success cannot be hidden because people see it in you.
So even if you are keeping quiet people will alway envy you.
The best thing is to give the other cheek to envious people and that is by been good and slowly stripping away from them, because confronting them or otherwise makes them even worst.
I hope this helps.
Great, thanks for contributing. :)
Lisa, fantastic hub. I can so relate to several aspects you bring up. Being attacked and therefore hiding my positive attributes, and eventually not wanting to engage for fear of retribution. In essence I have compromised myself to protect and it has been a terrible journey because of it. I'm really fighting to stop having to defend myself instead of shining. I'll re-read your hub a few times so I can cement where I stand in this terrible envy space.
Jewels, thanks. There's that saying that money is the root of all evil. I really do think envy may be the root of all evil. People envy others for things nobody would ever guess too. It isn't always envying someone for super-model looks or wealth or the office with window. Then, too, there are the problems caused when people think everyone else is envious. I knew someone who had a daughter my age. The mother would act strange and secretive sometimes; and I'd realize it was because her daughter had some good thing happen in her life. The mother was afraid I'd "feel bad" if I found out! Until I learned better, I'd be thinking someone had some horrible illness nobody was talking about (or something like that). Then it would be, "So-and-so bought a great big house" or "a horse", or else "so-and-so is expecting a baby". "So-and-so" knew me. She knew I'd be happy for her, but it was her mother who acted like things were a big, dark, secret. :)
I had once had a friend who envied me because I wasn't someone who was always seeking approval. This person seemed to have everything going for her, but that one thing was something that irked the heck out of her; and she let it damage relationships.
Whatever the source of someone's envy, hiding isn't the answer. Either the attacks keep coming anyway (because you can't "hide" well enough), or the envy wins by making it's target "go away". Envy is the other person's problem - not the target-person's problem.
I've been on both ends Lisa so I'm not an innocent in it. But I remember when I was young, in grade school, I was being my normal self which was quite sunny and outgoing. I was dumped on so badly it left me extremely confused, but moreso hurt. All I wanted was friends but I wasn't allowed to have "their friends." Kids can be so cruel, but it's your above hub played out in real life.
Only now am I getting some semblance of self esteem happening, but always cautious of someone coming along and threatening it. Allot of it is now just the voice in my head, but it's a powerful voice based on experiences that did happen, and could happen in the future.
I agree, it does feel like the root of all evil. Holding one's head high makes it a target for a guillotine and only the strong don't get it chopped off.
Jewels, I think one of the unfortunate things is that when we're children, and least self-assured enough to be able to deal with "junk", that's precisely when other children's behavior (not all, by any means, but those with a little "thoughtlessness" to them)can take a toll. (I had to sort of smile when you said you weren't completely "innocent". Based on what I've heard, I think a majority of people have experienced feeling envy somewhere along the way.)
I'm not sure this saying really was intended to apply to the "envy scenario", but I like, "The nail that stands above the rest gets hammered." :) (Just thought that one is kind of funny.)
In Australia we'd call that a 'sitting duck', similar picture only they use a gun not a hammer! Unfortunately the tall poppy syndrome is not welcomed a great deal here. If anyone thinks you may be better than them, you are a sitting duck. Though as you've written, those that are innocent in their high ground have to (unfortunately) become stronger and not get bashed about. I know this is a lesson for me to learn. Am I strong enough??? Interestingly I've just commenced a series of hubs on Astrology and the 2nd one is on the Sun. It shows the traits of the Sun which bode well with those that are envied and envy.
To envy, is to show weakness.....the one that envys is quite aware of this, but chooses to do nothing about it. Why envy to begin with when you should be focusing on who you are, what you want and the talents that you possess. You spend so much time looking at everybody else that you haven't taken the time to look and focus on you. It's sad when people put all of their energy into foolishness. what makes it worst is when your foolish behavior, tactics as well and envious ways are transparent.
vonda g. nelson
reeltaulk, thanks. I agree. If a lot of people spent as much time working on themselves as they do thinking about other people, maybe they'd be a little happier with who they are. :)
Liza and great you are so on point, I am going to be real and share this personal piece. it saddens me that so called family and relatives can be envious. What makes it worst is when they have always had and in their happiness looked down on those who haven't. I believe that everyone is blessed in their own time and when you are envied for your blessing after all the suffering you have endured is not something you would expect neither appreciate. It is as though they want you to believe you are not good enough to be blessed or receive the best that life has to offer. I will not fall prey to that deception or allow myself to believe what someone that is envious would like for me to believe. I never understood how so called "family" or relatives could have this type of degenerate mind set but i have come to accept it because the only concern I should have is mine. I don't even pay these people mind, i have learned how to totally ignore their envy.
reeltaulk, thanks for sharing. You're right. We can't worry about someone else's rotten attitude toward what we do or don't have in this life.
I think you may have hit one nail on the head when you say it's as if they don't want you to believe you're "good enough" to have good things happen. I wonder if it's a matter of their ego making them always want to be Number 1 in whatever it is they're "scoring" those around them on. :) (I've actually known people who seem to want to be Number 1 when it comes to who has the biggest and worst problems! :) ) Thanks again for sharing your personal observations.
Wow, FINALLY I find the answer. I've been searching for something along just this line only in the sibling line. Didn't think to expand my search outside of sibling rivalry or envy. Thank you for the insight!
Dibby565, if there was any insight here thanks for mentioning it.
Wonderful hub.
To tell you the truth, I am an envious person. I hate this feeling and try to suppress it...if I can't control it, I'll just try to walk away or pretend to not care. I try to give compliments to people when I don't feel like forcing myself too much...although the envious feeling still remains inside me.
I just hate the feeling I have but I will never hurt or lie to someone because I can control myself. I used to think it's because I had low self-esteem but after reading the article, I find myself actually the "she's thinks she better than everyone" and " I have to be no.1" kind.
I try hard to be the best which has done good but I think it's bad for me in the friendship department. How can you really be friend to someone you envy? I don't think so..
Maybe because I was the one who always get attention in the family when I was young. I try to do my best in everything and feel like losing if someone is better than me.
I'm an adult with a kid's mind but I'm trying and struggling to be a better person one bit at a time.
I even envy people who don't have an envious cell in their being because they can easily be happy!
green eyed, I'm smiling at your comments because it's just so refreshing to see honest input from someone who feels envy.
I'm not someone who tends to be at all envious of other people, and I can think of only twice in my life when I felt envy. Once was after I'd had a miscarriage (first pregnancy) and wasn't having luck conceiving again. My older sister, who had already had two children, announced she was expecting her third child. I was honestly happy for her, but I felt a twinge of envy separate from that; just because, I guess, it didn't really seem fair to me. I guess, in that instance, I'd call the envy the "life isn't fair" kind of envy. I suppose it hit me (when I'm generally never envious) because it was related to something that mattered very, very, much to me (and that I couldn't have). I guess I was thinking in terms of good luck/bad luck and maybe feeling a little threatened to think I may always have the same bad luck I'd had when it came to having a baby. (By the way, when I went to see my sister's new baby son in the hospital I was able to make my own announcement. :) )
The other time was a few months ago at a shopping center. There were a couple of teenage girls (neither of whom was particularly attractive and both of whom were loud and obnoxious) who just kind of seemed to be really "thrilled with themselves". I was surprised to feel a twinge of envy at their behavior because I'm old enough to be their mother (should have been more grown up about this), generally someone who likes who I am, and even have "superficial" things about myself that I like. These girls actually had more "flaws" superficially than I do, even at my age, and yet I was a little envious to see how "thrilled with themselves" they seemed, because I'm not all that thrilled with my own flaws. In this instance, I tend to want to say I was just irked by these obnoxious girls; but if I'm honest, I realize that I'm such a "perfectionist" that my own imperfections bother me to the point where they detract from my happiness. My "head knows" what's important and what flaws aren't a big deal "in the scheme of life", but I'm not able to overcome my unhappiness with the flaws/imperfections (in spite of the fact that I ought to be old enough to have come to terms with them). So, I suppose, it's my own inability to "get a grip" on unhappiness with my own flaws that makes me feel helpless; but also that just makes me wish I could be happier with myself (particularly in view of the fact that those two unappealing, unattractive, girls could apparently be pretty thrilled with themselves). LOL When it comes down to it, people should be happy with who they are. I know that my not being able to be "completely thrilled" with what I am means I'm the one with the problem. Normally, in life, I'm able to manage/conquer all problems. This is one I can't conquer. I wouldn't trade who/what I am for who/what those girls were for a minute; but - boy - would I love to be that thrilled with myself (and happy). My "standard" is that if I look in the mirror and don't see "Barbie" (the shape, the face, the hair, the whole thing), I have no reason to be thrilled. LOL My head knows that's a ridiculous standard, but what our heads know and how we really feel are often two different things.
If I "analyze" both of these instances of envy I realize they were both about things that were "sore spots" for me - things that, no matter how capable, in control, or "otherwise wonderful" I am (???? LOL), were things I couldn't have and things that meant a lot to me, down to the core (whether that was really being happy with what I am or having the baby I so wanted). Also, they were things that, for the most part, other people don't have trouble coming by; so I suppose it was a salt-in-the-wound kind of thing. What it feels like to me, when I think about it, is that in each instance I was made aware of some missing link in a chain that, if I had all the links, could be closed to form a circle that would be my "happiness" in some way. It was as if I was already aware that one link was missing, but the situation made me particularly aware of it. I didn't feel inadequate as a person because I couldn't have the baby I wanted or because I have a couple of flaws in my appearance. I felt inadequate, I guess, because either I couldn't manage to control my own happiness or else because I couldn't/can't find it.
This is just my personal guess, but I don't think you can really be the right kind of friend to someone you envy because even if, in your head you want what will make them happiest and healthiest, there can be a "screen" that "comes down" between you and them in some subtle, hard-to-describe, way; and they'll sense it or even see it in your eyes or hear it in your voice. If you truly care about someone else it's "about them" and not "about you", so you truly do want the best in life for them.
I wonder if getting a lot of attention as a child just got you used to "being the star"; and if either what you were told, or the good feelings you experienced from it, led you to "take for granted" that "being the star" was the only way to live; and if you couldn't always "be the star" on any given point it would be your "missing link" to that "chain of happiness".
I'm no expert, and I'm a stranger to boot, but I don't think you're an adult with kid's mind at all. You obviously don't like feeling envious of people, so that, alone, lets you know you're not a kid at all.
I'd guess you either liked being Number 1 so much you got "addicted to it" and maybe suffer "withdrawal" now that you run into others who may be "Number 1"; or else you learned or were given the message that it's so valuable, pleasant, and/or important to be "Number 1" on anything that you can't be happy (have that "missing link") with anything less. Maybe, too, if you run into someone who, in some way, reminds you of that "missing link" you can't feel like a true friend to them because maybe it feels to you as if they're presence (or whatever) makes you feel "less" (and true friends don't make others feel "less)?
I have no idea if any of my thoughts/guesses at all apply to your situation; but I figured it was worth pondering on here and trying to share a few thoughts (even if they're all wet as it applies to your own situation). I do think, though, that sometimes children learn from experiences in childhood but parents don't always see what children are learning, so they don't know enough to "balance" the lessons with talk about it. Some parents, too, reinforce the lessons (or are even completely responsible for teaching them). A child who happily experiences how good it feels to be a "Big Cheese" may just come to see being "A Cheese" as a really important thing. If a parent sends messages about how nice it is that x other people do x well, or messages about how it's also important to be a kind person, there's a little more balance added. If parents emphasize how great it is to be Number 1 that reinforces the message/lesson about how anything else "isn't anything to be happy with".
Even if none of the thoughts I've offered here apply to you, I'm guessing that somewhere - if you think about it - there's some "missing link" (or two) to your sense of wellbeing/happiness that your episodes of envy highlight, and that, if you think about it, you will find somewhere in your childhood (in either things you learned through experiences or else messages sent to you - or both).
Also, depending on what you have for siblings, there's also just the chance you got in the habit of paying attention to who was better at what and kind of brought that "mode" of thinking into adulthood.
Dear Lisa HW , Thank you for your long comment and for sharing your personal stories. I appreciate your help very much .
It's amazing to me how you can feel envy only once or twice in your life. To me, it just happens so much more often that I don't think I can count. But it’s not that I envy everyone that come in to my life and It's not a big deal..the feeling will just pass away at some point. Like I said, I can suppress it very well (Is this kind of sick? lol) I really like the phrase "down to the core" that you have used...because I believe that people can't control their true feelings. You can't stop it....for example, you can't force yourself to stop love or hate someone. There's no button that you can just turn on and off...the only thing that you can control is your action. For me, the envy feeling is just the same thing, I can't stop it but I can control myself not to do or say bad things. I’m a bit surprised how people can not feel envy at all because to me it just happens naturally and occasionally like anger or sadness…or maybe that’s just me.
I understand your situation with those girls at the shopping mall. Sometimes I envy people who are full of confident and feel good about themselves. Although, at the same time, I also think that I am much better than them..lol
I do agree that I mostly envy people that had things that were "sore spots" for me. I do feel “less” when I run into someone who, in some way, reminds me of that "sore spots”. Actually I just realized now that I felt like I had to do and be the best to not be less than anyone, not because I want to be no.1. I do enjoy getting some attention though..lol
I've met nice people that had things that I've wanted. Naturally, I feel envy and then like you said, there will be a screen coming down. They will finally sense the feeling. Although I know that they are nice people so it's such a pity. Also I have this one close friend that I find myself not wanting the best for her in her life although she was one good friend. It's harder to control yourself or hide your feelings to people who you are close to and express yourself to naturally. I think she felt that and we had some space between us until now. That was my final straw and I know I need some help.
I feel like that there are bigger problems in life so I never discussed this with anyone. It's such a silly little thing but it's bothering me for a very long time (that's why I tried to search online and found this page) Anyway,I would like to tell my story in case you will see a clearer picture.
As a child, I was the lost child.I have bigger brother and sister that were 10 and 12 years apart. So we had nothing in common during the time I was growing up. They were busy going through their own difficult teenage years. My father had to travel a lot so he was often away from home during weekends. My whole world was my mother and she also had to work during daytime so my childhood was a bit lonely. When my dad is home, I feel that he will steal my mother from me (although I know he loves me) but my mom did pay a lot of attention to me (many of people said that she’s spoiling me, I don’t know about that, but she was like my friend and my sister at the same time.) I also remembered being envy at my sister when she gets attention from people. I did try to compete with her in many ways. I don’t think that I was in the same side with my brother and sister because of the age difference, I tried a lot to get attention from my dad. Maybe I wanted everyone to give me attention like my mother did? Was I really spoiled? It’s kind of complicated. I don’t quite understand myself. I do know I have fear of being lonely.
I don’t want to seem like I’m complaining about my family because they all meant well to me and a lot of people have worse problems compared to mine. I know I am a lucky person. I do get along with my sister and brother more when I turned in to an adult…we had a lot more to talk about and I don’t try to compete with them anymore.
I guess in my case, it’s more of the missing link to happiness. Maybe I felt that I have to be the best to get attention from the love ones? Or to not be forgotten? I don’t know, but what can I do ? Can I change my very own core? How can I properly handle myself from now on?
Thank you for reading this far..:)
green eyed, thank you for taking the time to share your own experience with envy. I think it's something a lot of people who have it don't talk much about, and somehow, to me, it always seems that people should talk about the things related to being a human being.
I've often read/heard people say that everyone feels envy (and maybe they do), but I know other people who just don't seem to have much of a problem with it (and they all tend to be from my own family). Maybe there's an "envy gene". LOL I'm not sure what any of us can change about our "core" (and even if I don't have envy as a problem to deal with, I've got plenty of my own "core" issues that I can't really imagine being able to change).
When it comes down to it, I think we all get one or more "core" issues from our childhood families, no matter how nice our childhoods were or our family was. Maybe when it comes to the difference between my childhood and yours was that I had enough space between my siblings and me that I didn't seem them as "rivals", but I was still close enough in age that being a middle child meant I didn't get used to being "Number 1" - that was for sure. LOL
Probably, no matter what "negative issues" we have to deal with (and we all have them, that's for sure); the important thing is that we do recognize the negative feelings we have and find a way to manage them. When I felt that twinge of envy because my sister announced her pregnancy when I wished I was able to announce the same thing, even though I felt the envy I still didn't feel any "nastiness" toward her. It was more like I was "of two minds" - one was truly happy for her, and the other one was feeling kind of slighted for myself.
When it comes to what any of us felt or did as kids, I think most of it is just part of not being mature enough. It looks to me like you're already handling yourself fine. I don't know - maybe what people need to do is try to figure out if there's a way they "think their way" out of envy; but if there are times when they can't, maybe, as long as they aren't mean to the other person and are only secretly feeling a little envious, they have to forgive themself for being human and think about something else. :)
Again, thanks for contributing to the discussion here. (And maybe don't call yourself "green eyed" from now on. LOL. You don't seem to me to deserve that title.)
LOL, You are right...I should learn to accept that I'm just human being...just have to keep my little monster in my mind and not let it loose...
Anyway, Thanks Lisa :)
"The able are envied, the talented are harmed, and the genius are revenged on." (how I know this said Nicolo Paganini)
To be fair, it is the subject of my composition, I must write examples of it from daily life or from books or from life of famous people.
I can't find examples except one from book. Can somebody help me and say what who think about this phrase.
I hope it is no bad to ask this here.
As to me, I can't remember when I really envied. Maybe short flashes of this feeling... And I think that feeling of envy can come only from thoughts that other people not deserve what they have. So people who envy should be more fair with themselves.
P.S. I'm not English-speaking.
Ginger N, it's an interesting point you made, though, because when it comes down to it, who has the right to decide who deserves what they or not? I've dealt with a person or two who seems to envy the fact that I'm sure of myself. These are people who have very different tastes than I do, so even though (like everyone) I do my hair and make-up in a way that makes me feel like I'm looking my prettiest, these people are people who don't like the way I have my hair and make-up. So - they decide, because I'm not their idea of what I should look like, I don't deserve to be "ok enough" with myself (I'm not "thrilled" with myself. I'm just not someone who thinks I ought to crawl under a rock either, just because I don't have a "glamor do". Besides, I base my self-confidence on the person I am inside - so if I'm dealing with someone who thinks I shouldn't be confident unless I look like a super-model, they aren't going to think I deserve to feel ok about myself. I've also run into people who "deemed" I didn't deserve one job or another when - really - I worked my head off to get one promotion or another. None of us knows what someone else else has sacrificed or worked hard at to get/be what he is. Even if it may look to us that someone else doesn't deserve something, it really isn't up to make that determination. Just some more thoughts on envy. :)
Thanks for sharing your thoughts here.
As far as that saying goes, I don't know - I think it kind of oversimplies things with regard to envy. For all the people who have rotten/mean attitudes toward others who are/have more than they do, there a lot who just don't have horrible and nasty attitudes. I almost think the root of envy is just what you mentioned (and I addressed in response). People think they have a right to decide who ought to have what or be what.
I agree with all you said!
I think that it is so boring to envy the way you mentioned in your first paragraph. Maybe, people who envy like this just haven't other interests in life and in the soul they envy because you have variety of interests but they don't want to recognize this. They convince themselves that they better than others, but they just undeservedly deprived(right word?). It is sad to spend time on this pointless thoughts. Also because these people like when other people envy them.
I think that one of the main things that everybody should remember is that all people different (it makes me more tolerant) and we should not think that other people must follow our ideas also we should not follow others.
GingerN, thanks. I agree with everything you said too (except for one small thing): I don't think all people like it when someone else envies them. Most people have experienced being envied by someone at some time in their lives; and I have to say whenever I've run into it it really makes me angry. With those people who have envied me because I don't hate myself as much as they seem to think I should (LOL), I just think, "If they'd spend as much time working on whatever it is they think they don't have and think I have, maybe they'd have whatever it is too!" Also, I just think, "Here I am, minding my business and having any number of things I'd like to improve in my life - and someone imagines what I "must think" and then resent me for it." I always think of how in grade school or even high school, there's always some girl who may do really well in school, or else who is pretty; and some people will say, "She thinks she's big." It could be some nice girl who doesn't "think she's big" at all.
Oh well, thanks again for joining the discussion. I do think people can just decide they aren't going to "spin their wheels" over other people and just focus on becoming what they'd like to be (or at least accepting what they'll never be).
Thanks for your big and interesting answers!
Yes, of cause people don't like when they are really harmfully envied. But many like being envied a little. If not, then why people brag?
XD Yeah, people often like to imagine what others think, it can be even funny especially when they hardly know man about whom they gossip. It is so annoying when people say bad thing about something not trying it (I don't say that I never do it myself ;) but I try not to do).
Do you really had situations where you was somehow harmed by envious?
GingerN, thanks for your contributions and thoughts on envy too. Like a lot of people, I find human nature pretty intriguing; so whenever a discussion is about human nature I have a tendency to be "less than brief". :)
Your question about whether I've being harmed by someone being envious is one that really makes me think (which is one of the good things about "more in-depth" discussions. In the case of that person or two who envied me (and sometimes even said it) because I'm a pretty "secure" person, they didn't really harm me. They harmed themselves by thinking "poisonous" things. I suspect there have been times I have been harmed by someone's envy; but the thing with envy is we never really know if that's what makes someone seem particularly cold or mean toward us. It's probably easier for someone like a "zillionaire" movie star or super model to know when someone is cold or mean because of envy; but if you're a "regular" person (who isn't ridiculously wealthy, doesn't have super-model looks, or movie-star fame; you often don't have anything that would seem all that enviable. Envy isn't a reasonable thing, though, and people can envy others for stuff nobody would ever guess. So, there have been times here or there (and in one particularly serious situation) when people have had some power to have some impact over my life when I've always wondered whether the only explanation for coldness or mean-ness that harmed me (not physically) might have been that envy was at the root of it. I don't want to "make up" that envy was the problem because I don't know for sure; so maybe it wasn't envy. Still, I'm not a mean or rotten person; so I can't think up any reason why some people would have been that cold/mean.
Another aspect to the "envy issue", though, is that sometimes people think other people don't like them because they envy them (when, really, the other people don't like them for some reason other than envy). That's why I'm careful (unless I'm really certain) about assuming someone is mean or cold because of envy. Sometimes there are people who just don't like us for one reason or another, and it may have nothing to do with envy.
Sometimes there's someone who may be, for example, really really beautiful but who has an unlikable disposition. She may think everyone hates her because she's beautiful when, really, they just hate her because she's unlikable. I think someone like that may be so used to just having most people dislike them they just assume it's because they're pretty. What can make someone like that might be that they think their good looks are "the most important thing in the world" and don't realize that most people measure others' likability by their personality, kindness, or character. Maybe these are some of the people who seem to brag about being envied (it takes a certain kind of ego to brag, and that kind of ego usually makes a person unlikable). (Just guesses on my part, though.)
Then again, that goes back to the saying you mentioned in the beginning of this discussion: People who have a "real lot" of something others often envy (looks, money, power, ability of one kind of another, self-confidence, etc.) live their lives dealing with envy frequently; so maybe it's just easy for someone like that to assume it's always envy when someone else doesn't like them (for other reasons).
To wrap up, I do think there's a kind of deep-seeded envy that (unlike minor, not-so-serious, envy a lot of people have at one time or another) can be so serious the people doing envying don't even really know what makes them cold or mean toward their "victims". (Or else there's the serious kind that includes someone thinking the other person doesn't deserve whatever he has and the "envy-er" plans to take action to take whatever it is away from the "victim".)
People often say, "money is the root of all evil." I don't necessarily think so. I tend to think that those deep-seeded, serious, cases of envy are at the root of all (or at least a whole lot of) evil.
When I said brag(boast!), I mean some people like to boast that they have something that others don't have. So I think that they like when other people envy them. :)
Money can be the root of all evil when they provoke envy. ;) Also stupidity can be the root because it is a cause of envy. Wow! I've found that stupidity is worse of all.)))
But to be serious I think that feeling of envy can often be easy explained. There are many different reasons but the most important I think are complexes(right word? comfortless feeling) and greed. Maybe I very simplify this but often it is quite so, isn't it?
Thank you, this post enlightens me a lot.
I admit that I'm one of those people who experiences envy at times mostly over attention based issues. I don't act on my feelings though because I don't want to hurt innocent people who just happen to be the victim of my envy. I'm probably under the category of people who feel like they have to be number 1 but I do recognize how destructive this feeling can be.
I'll confess that one of the victims of my envy is my sister. For whatever reason, I feel like I have to be number one. It might have to do with me being the first born and I got a lot of attention as a child and never really had to share that attention. So it must have spoiled me.
An example of my envy could be when I was at a store with my sister and this guy came up to my sister and kept going on and on about how pretty she was. I was facing a shelf near them and felt like a third wheel in the situation and really wanted to walk away but my legs didn't want to move. I was nice to my sister afterward and complimented her too with things like "wow, you're so popular today" and joked around. I'm rather glad I didn't give the cold shoulder but I truly wish that I could have felt genuinely happy for her. That situation made me feel sort of like I wasn't pretty or whatever. I hate being so vain about looks and all that. In situations like that, I feel like I should be complimented too and it's the stupidest feeling ever. I have to keep telling myself that I shouldn't take it personally.
I'm still working on my envy issues. It's hard but I know myself rather well and so I can somewhat pinpoint the root of my envy and that's my low self-esteem and my seemingly huge ego.
Good luck to all others with envy issues. :)
Sunflower, thanks for sharing your particular "variety" of envy. :) As I began responding to your comment I started thinking of new questions (etc.), so the response here is long. I'm not presuming you'll want to bother reading it (if you even return to this Hub at all); but I'm leaving what turned out to be the long response since it's all written now and - who knows - someone may find it interesting (or not).
I think yours is probably the kind a lot of people who "have envy issues" have - nothing all that serious (and nothing mean), but enough to make them kind of wish they didn't have those feelings. Based on what I've heard/read, I think more people than a lot of us realize may have that kind of envy.
This isn't at all funny, but my late mother had just a hint of envy on occasion, but it wasn't a big deal. She was elderly and in the hospital with another elderly lady in her room. That combination of what seems like both low self esteem and a big ego do seem to be a recipe for a lot envy. Something that occurs to me, though, is whether the person who feels she has low self-esteem may feel like she has no right to a good-sized ego; or whether a good-sized ego comes from someone needing to build his own ego as the result of other people not "feeding it"? (Or whether it's just different from person to person). Just pondering after reading your remark.
I'm (what I think may be ) a strange combination of good self esteem in some ways, too little in other ways, and too little ego for my own good.
The good self esteem comes from the "inside stuff" - the stuff I really do think is the most important to have "in the scheme of being a person" (knowing you're honest, capable, kind, etc.) The (probably) rotten self-esteem, for me, comes from issues associated with looks. As old as I am, I have that all-too-common thinking that if I don't like a Barbie doll (or other "perfect specimen looks-wise") I'm not measuring up to my own tough standards. I know, in my head, that it would be a rare, rare, person who actually "measures up" to those standards, so I know that it's not healthy to have such a low opinion of my own exterior; especially since people who have more "flaws" than I do are often quite happy with who/what they are. Thinking the "inside stuff" is the stuff that matters most, I'm not bothered if someone has some "outside" thing (better looks, more money, etc.) than I do.
Still, at this stage in the game I don't think I'll overcome that type of self-esteem "issue" by reasoning it out and having perspective. I can see my own positive attributes, but I just can't overlook any negative ones; and that means I can't measure up in my own eyes. Still, I'm not envious of, say, some perfect-looking fashion model (I guess, because even if I'd like to look that good I don't think it's one of the more important things in life.)
Even with what feels like "minimal ego", I don't necessarily see whatever problems too little may bring as related to envy or lack of it (at least for me). I can see how the "attention thing" is probably a factor in a lot of envy. I never wanted attention, but I think that's just because I have introvert leanings and am happiest without it. It's said that, although a lot of people have a little of both introvert and extrovert tendencies, most lean in one direction or another; and the those leaning toward being introverts more look within for their "emotional energy" (or whatever the term should be). Extroverts look more to other people. Here's something I may decide to look up, out of curiosity - whether or not extroverts are more likely to feel envy; or whether there are differences in types/degrees of envy between the two different types of people. I do know that for me, attention comes in two varieties: The kind that's nice but that I don't need; and the kind I don't want anyway. LOL
I don't know.... Maybe, having the introvert leanings I do, I just spent more time working on building my "inner-self-related" self-esteem and never bothered working much on finding a way on working on having that "high standard" I have when it comes to my own not measuring up to super models or Barbie dolls in the looks department. I don't apply the same high standard to other people. I'm only tough on myself in that way.
Even with that "unhealthy issue" about looks, though, it isn't something that makes me envious of someone like super models. I figure, "If I can't look that great, at least someone else does. In fact, if everyone in the world looked like that, my world would be a better looking one to look at. LOL "
I suppose the lack of envy comes from knowing how few people really look that good (and how even super models don't look as good as they do in magazines) - or maybe my slight deficit in the ego department is actually the result of not measuring up to my own unhealthy standards in the looks department. Maybe the introvert nature helps me think, "No matter who looks like a super model and who doesn't, it's of no consequence to me; because I won't measure up anyway." That's the thing about introvert tendencies too - it can often be "all about me" and "completely independent of other people (not necessarily always the best thing either, although when it comes to envy, I guess it can sometimes be a good thing).
I love this website soo much, I've tried to read all the comments but it's a bit too long, lol, but from what I have read, it is really nice to know that I am not the only one going throught this.
My envy has been the cause of so much sadness in my life, it's even lead me down the road of depression which i'm trying to recover from. Its something i'm so embaressed about, i can't tell my mum, my my sisters or even the closest friend I have in the world, because of what they all will think of me. They've always seen me as a happy and bubbly person (which I am), but when i'm depressed because of my envy, I turn into this old grumpy girl. I've decided...I DONT WANT TO BE THIS GIRL ANYMORE :(
I want to find true happiness, and I don't want to be envious towards other people, becuase I know and believe it's wrong, so wrong. I'm aware that enving people ain't going to make my life better, I have to stand up and earn what I want.
But it can be soooo hard kicking my envy problems to the curve. I've been on so many other websites, i've even tried the "write down pros and cons about yourself" thingy...Yh did nt help me one bit.
I basically just want a perfect teenage life, I just plain want a good social life.
I'll tell you about this girl, who probably had not many friends at all, (neither did i at the time but i thought I was at number 1) all of a sudden she moved school and she has tons of friends. I moved school too, but it's to a really small one, hardly any people in my class which is why i believe she had the advantage. I just hate these envious feelings towards her, she doesn't deserve it at all, i'm not a bad person but it's just a feeling I cannot control :(
And to be honest, i have not had the best self-esteem, people who know me must think I am so confident, but really i'm not. I really need some advice, sorry if this message is long.
NTBN, thank you for your nice comment. I know this page is long; and all the comments have made it longer; but I appreciate all the input people like you have shared about their own envy. (This response is going to run long too, but I don't a proper response could be brief.)
You're far from alone (or anything close to it) when it comes to envy. From what I've seen of people who think everyone feels envy, an awful lot of people must experience it (at least at one time or another). An awful lot of teens (even the ones others see as "having everything going for them") are not happy with one or more things about who they are, or their life. Like you, a lot of them appear confident and happy enough. It's now known that teen brains aren't even finished maturing completely until early to mid twenties (even though, of course, teens aren't children either, by any means). A tendency to feel depressed can come with the stage of maturity teens are at.
I think one big problem for people in your age range is that you feel pretty much completely grown, you look around at your life, and see what's going on with other people your age as the measure of "who's on top". School and friends is a "mini-society". So is the family. So, someone in your age range finds himself his this "mini-world" and often can't even imagine that there's a whole, bigger, more permanent, world/society once you're out of school.
You're at an age where you're assessing who you are, figuring out who you want to be, and spending a lot of time focusing on yourself (and your place in the only world you know, but even the larger one) - only because that's part of the stage in life you're in.
There are some people your age who can happy to know, say, that they do really well in school. Maybe more for girls than for a lot of boys, being popular or being admired the way some of the other girls are, is pretty important (sometimes more important than grades).
People your age often use a different kind of "social currency" than adults do (at least the ones who have outgrown teen thinking). Contrary to what a lot of people realize, teens can be a lot tougher on themselves than the adults in their lives would ever be. In the world of people your age, how many friends someone has, or who has a boyfriend, are really important. For girls, it's often particularly important who has looks that are "well established" as "admirable". All that's normal, but it varies in degrees from person to person.
I wasn't the least bit happy in a lot of the above ways when I was teen, because I looked like a little girl (like, four years younger than I was). I had a lot of things going for me and enough friends, but they didn't matter. I knew I would never be the kind of girl all the other girls wanted to look like because even though I wasn't horrible looking, nobody that age wants to look like a little girl. The cool boys weren't interested in me, and I didn't find the boys who were very appealing (because when you're that age you like those boys that everyone else thinks is cool).
I'm asking myself now why I didn't envy those girls, and I realize that part of it has to do with the fact that I had things going for me that I knew they didn't. Also, though, I just knew that my teen years were temporary and that "the real me" would have "her" day once I was old enough to do my own thing and not be in a "mini-society" where the best hair and coolest look were more important than other things. I did have my close girlfriends, and we would all talk about how we wanted to improve ourselves or find the right boyfriend (not the "wrong" ones). We all felt like we were in the same boat (OK enough for the most part, but not cool enough and not having the things in our life we wanted). I had one very close girlfriend and a few pretty close ones, and having them to go through those years with helped us all feel better and "normal", I guess.
I guess my advice would be to focus on the things you DO having going for you, first of all. Work on getting some of the things (if they're the right kind of things) you want as well as you can, but if there's something you know you're not likely to have right now, keep in mind that once you're out of school everything really does change. (I had a part-time grocery-store job outside school, and my friend and I were "quite the big cheeses" with lots and lots of friends there our age. Outside that world that schools often kind of set up, in the work world (even when you're a teen) it's more about who you are as a person than whether you have the coolest hair). So, finding activities outside school (work, some kind of athletics, dance lesson, etc.)can help with self-esteem.
I don't imagine moving helped you much. Lots of times the kids with tons of friends have known one another for years. You're feeling envy because you're not happy (and that's understandable). I guess, though, the thing you need to try to have perspective on is that what someone else has or doesn't have is of no consequence to you. We all have to find our way to being happy with who are and what we have, or else finding a way to OK (at least for awhile) with not being who/what we want to be (at least right now).
The pros and cons thing doesn't help because you probably feel like what you have isn't what's enough, as far as what's important to you right now goes. I think part of the sorting out process has to be realizing that what so important when you're a teen will end up seeming so unimportant when you're just a little older than you are now. Those pros really do matter in this life.
Being unhappy and feeling alone isn't a good thing, and it isn't something anyone your age should go through. I can see how you wouldn't want to "bare your soul" and tell someone like your friend you envy her. That could put a "thing" between you.
Instead, why not be candid about not being happy? Whether it's your Mom or your friend or someone else, what about talking a little more about the things you're not happy that you don't have right now. Any Mom or good friend would most likely know exactly how you feel (or at least understand); and being honest about "not being entirely thrilled" with your life/self is how to be real with someone closest to you. You don't have to be "a big downer" and always talking about how miserable you are; but including things you aren't happy about in your conversations might help you feel less alone. (You probably don't have to worry about discussing the envy part, because the envy is a symptom of not being happy and not feeling good about yourself. That's the root of the problem, and that's what you shouldn't feel alone in; because I don't think there's a person in the world (at least a "real" one) who doesn't have their own set of things they're not happy about. There's probably some stuff you can say to your Mom, and other stuff you can only say to your friend; but if you're honest about the things you aren't happy about, eventually you'll cover all the "issues" talking to one person or another.
I guess my thinking is it's one thing not to be entirely thrilled with something about your life; but it's a far more damaging thing to keep your unhappiness "some big dark secret" that eats away at you, grows, and turns into something like envy. If there's one thing that has helped me have good self-esteem it's that I know I'm brutally honest with myself about myself, and I've always been honest with friends and family about those times when I'm not happy about one thing or another in my life. It helps me know I'm not phony, and I think there's nothing that helps self-esteem the way knowing that (if nothing else) we're "real" with others in our relationships.
I guess, after all these words, what I'm saying is I don't think you feel guilty at all about feeling envy (as long as you're not mean to, or about, your friend). Instead, I think you be a little less tough on yourself about that; but think about being a little more honest about not being 100% happy. Real friends aren't about who is happy and who isn't. Someone's always going to be happier or have more
Thank you so much for that advice. And it's really true what you said about enving someone else mean thats you are not happy what yourself and what you have. the truth is, i'm really not, and the thing that pains me the most is that there is nothing I can really do about it.
Me moving school is what started to this whole envy thing, other than that, i have never been an envious person.
I had to move school because of unpaid fees and up to now i havent told my old friends who i no longer really talk to why I moved. At my age it is so hard to find a good public that isn't full because my mum just believes that every private school i good and better. So I had to go to this school( it aint even realy a school) with less than ten people in my class, no sports or other activities which i loved to do, no school uniform which is what I wanted and on top of that is is soooooo small :( I did tell my mum from the beginning that I did not like the place, but it seemed like the only place that would give me admission without hassle.
Even though I have less than two years to stay there, I am desperate to move, public school or not because i believe that this is what is draining me of my happiness. Thats why I can't tell my mum because she is always going on about how private schools are the best and how i'm not moving.
So when I see all my other friends in their school uniform, and with waaaay more friends than I have it's gets me automatically envious, i sometimes just go into tears.
I do have two really close friends at the school I attend now, and like you said, i did talk about it with them and I guess it made me feel a bit better for a while but I still desperately want to leave that place :((((((
And this girl that I envy, it has cooled of a little I guess,but the negative feelings are still there, she just has everything that I wanted in my social life. (and the thign about my mum, is that she really doesn't think being social is much of a thing, she's pretty much anti-social lool. So if I were to mention something like this to her she'll think it was nonsense, but it really does mean everything to me.) And as for this girl, everytime I see or hear about her, I get this really envious feeling around my chest, I can just feel the rotten feeling.
My cofidence I think is getting better, but the thing is, it's very fragile. So I could feel high on self-esteem one day but one lil thing could make me go down again, which is something I need to work on. And i really hate looking down on people to make myself feel better.
I have acknowledged what is making me feel this way, which is to do with the school, but the thing is I can't really do anything about it. :((
NTBN, I don't know when it was you moved to the new school, but it can take a lot of time after a move.
I know how it feels (but as an adult) to be in a where you're not happy and can't do anything about it (at least at the time). I was an adult, but I've been in that situation. At the time, I tried to get my mind off the fact that I was so unhappy; and I just tried to find ways to make each of my days be a little better (mostly by keeping myself busy, going out with a friend here or there, etc.). Time resolved a lot of that situation for me. It was pretty much a matter of trying to get my mind off how unhappy I was by finding healthy ways to keep busy and maybe find some little joy in some small thing.
When all is said and done, that's not much help for someone your age, I know.
What if, instead of bringing up the social aspect of things, you asked your mother if you could see a counselor to see if the counselor could help you find a way to maybe cope with how unhappy you are in your present situation? I don't know this for sure (and I don't know your mother or the whole situation with available schools), but maybe if you could talk to a counselor about how unhappy you are, the counselor might also offer your mother some feedback on understanding how important the social aspect of things is for people your age. Again, I can't stress enough that I have no idea what, if anything, this would accomplish (as far as how you want things to be goes); but, if nothing else, maybe the counselor could actually offer you some tips. Also, maybe it wouldn't hurt if your mother had someone tell her exactly how unhappy you are.
Based on the fact that you said your mother is "anti-social", maybe "social life" wasn't as important to her as it is for a lot of kids.
There's also the chance that you might actually get used to, or even be happy, at your present school; but maybe you're just going through the same kind of sense of loss (even grief) that happens when anyone loses something that was important to him. A counselor might be able to offer you some tips on dealing with any sense of loss you're going through right now too. There's at least the possibility that it is (for you) a sense of loss "speaking" when it comes to how you're feeling. Sometimes, if we compare two different set-ups (like schools) each one will have its benefits and disavantages. Maybe, if you're feeling a strong sense of loss, you're not able to see (or care about) any of the advantages your present school offers you.
I'm just stabbing in the dark with these thoughts. What makes me wish someone could help you feel happier (somehow, and one way or another) is that I have three grown kids, myself. I hate to think of any person your age feeling so unhappy with his situation and think that person is going through this kind of thing (even if it's nothing more than adjusting to a new situation) alone, or else maybe feeling that someone can't really understand.
I don't imagine the "fees issue" has made it any better for you. In this time when so many families have situations involving money issues, a lot of people get kind of "driven into isolation" out of not feeling comfortable just talking about why they did something like move, change schools, etc.
That's something else a counselor (even maybe one at present school) could give you tips on dealing with.
As a mother, I would want my children to just talk to me about whatever is bothering them; and I wouldn't them guessing about what I might say or think. If there's one thing I've learned is that kids often have no clue about how a mother would really respond to one thing or another.
If I thought there was something making one of my sons or my daughter so unhappy, and I thought s/he couldn't just talk openly to me about all the issues, I'd hope my own sons or daughter would see a counselor, just to have one person they could talk completely candidly with. Counselors aren't just for people with "big, serious, issues". They're there for people who just need to be able to talk, and maybe get some feedback.
Someone like a school counselor deals with things like kids moving to a new school all the time. Not being happy after such a move is a very common thing. Basically, if you're in a situation you can't solve/fix yourself, you need someone else to kick in a little input somehow.
I don't think you should give up on talking about this with your mother, no matter how much talking you have to do. Maybe you think she won't budge about doing something (and maybe she has her reasons, and is even right about her choice for you). Maybe she'll help you figure out some small ways to make things better. If it's really obvious she just plain won't listen to anything (which is probably not the case, but could be), that's when it would be completely reasonable to say something like, "Well, since I'm stuck with this situation and no way to have any changes, I feel like I'd like to talk to a counselor who may be able to help me deal with how unhappy I am right now." It just seems to me that when we're in a situation we're not happy with, we have to either find a way to change it (which you can't do yourself), find a way to cope with it and overcome our sadness (if we're an adult), or find someone who can help us sort things out and figure out ways to cope or compensate a little (if we're a teen).
One way or another, I hope you find at least one adult (your mother or someone like a counselor) who will really listen to you and try to help you think up ways to improve your "happiness level". Too many teens deal with this kind of thing alone, when it isn't healthy for them and when, often, some adult may be able to help in some way.
I wonder, too, with the end of the school year not too far off, whether having the Summer to get away from the school issue may give you a little time to iron some things out before you have to start the next school year.
I wish I could be of better help here because - boy, do I know how you feel, even if I was an adult when in my "unhappy situation" - but no stranger can help in the same way someone who's "up close and personal" in your life can.
I just want to thank everyone who has contributed to this wonderful post. Lisa thank you so much for your post. I have been dealin with envy issues as far back as I can remember. I think I also was a "always wants to be #1" person and i am often pretty hard on myself (my boss always tells me to stop being so hrad on myself). I envy friends getting married, friends all giddy about a new relationship (i am barely recovering from a breakup that bappened over 9 months ago), i envy friends going on fun vacations that i wish i could go on, i envy friends who have a tons of very close friends (i live in massachusetts bu am originally from France and moved here 5 years ago so my group of friends is failry small and fairly new), i envy people who can go home to for the holidays (my family being accross the ocean) I envy my roommate's success (ivy education all the way) and my co-worker's shiny hair... "in my head" i know i am incredibly lucky (traveled a lot, am moving to london for work in a few weeks, have always been told am very pretty, etc...) but since this bad break up my self esteem is at an all-time low and i look around and think my lafe is lame and i'm just wasting my fun twnties away. aaahhhhh what boys will do to you (can i even blame all this on the boy who broke my heart last June??) This is not who I am and i feel like a different person and i dont like it...
Cambridgegirl, thanks for contributing here. If nothing else, a few people may start to realize they're far from alone in dealing with the envy (that usually bothers the envy-er more than it bothers anyone else - at least when the envy-er doesn't take it out of the other person).
This response is long, and I don't necessarily think anyone will want to read it all; but your remarks "inspired" me to further ponder the envy issue, so I figured I may as well include a little more "pondering" here:
First, I have to mention that your remark about the shiny hair kind of made me smile; because I had someone who seemed to have a "real issue" with the fact that I've always had healthy-looking hair. This person knows my life has often been full of all kinds of problems, and I've never been someone who has anything close to super-model looks. In spite of all that, this person zeroed in on my shiny hair. I mean, she kept this up for the 20 or more years I knew her; and besides paying attention at all to the hair, she kept implying that I was lying or "holding out" when I said I wasn't using anything other than shampoo. (The hair is fine and straight, so that's all it took.) It irked me that she'd keep harping on the hair thing, and implying I'd lie about something that minor. So, when you brought up that even something as minor as shiny hair could bother you, it really rang a bell. As it happened, the young woman I mentioned is 10 years younger than I am, was (is, as far as I know) a very attractive person (to the point where she described her own face as "perfect"), and did focus on the smallest matters in order to kind of first set up a kind of competition, and then hope to win it. :) (By the way, this person had absolutely beautiful, thick, gold, curly hair - but chosen to cut it all down to nothing in order to (in her words) "show off the perfect face". The moral to that particular story, I guess, is that it's all about what someone focuses on at any given time.
If the person above had focused, instead, on her own overall attractiveness and making the most of the smaller traits/things she had, she could have (or at least should have) felt good about the overall "self" she was. Instead, she'd pick out single things she or anyone else had, place too much importance on them (in the larger picture), and either feel better by "winning" on one thing or another, or else feel bad by not coming out on top on some small thing.
First, I think (particularly after people have contributed here and pointed out how they don't like their own envy), people who envy should have some compassion for themselves. There's usually something at the root of their envy that amounts to someone first feeling bad about himself in some way in the first place, and the feeling bad about himself is/when he doesn't "win" on any one trait/point.
It seems to me, too, that people who envy will often bring up those isolated in factors in life (have a great husband/don't, have shiny hair/don't, have money/don't, have great abs/don't, etc. etc.). They seem to have learned to measure the worth of people (others and themselves) by a score-card that lists all those isolated things, and unless someone gets a perfect score card he (whether it's the other person or the envy-er) is seen as "not having a right" to some "clearance/pass" to have to feel good about who he is and be happy.
I suppose, depending on how much any one person values any one thing, which things knock him for a loop more will vary. Break-ups often leave people feeling knocked for a loop in the self-esteem department, and people who see being in a good relationship as one of the most important things in life (which, in some ways, it is) will feel more knocked-for-a-loop than someone who didn't invest much "emotional collateral" into the idea of being in a good relationship itself (which is different from investing in the relationship).
People who have had some big event in their life (like a break-up) can find themselves depressed for awhile; and the person they find themselves may not be the person they really are. Somewhere along the way they get back to who they really are.
Fear of "wasting the twenties" is a common thing for people your age because we all know that the twenties are those years when we are young but finally adults ("the height of life" is how a lot of people see the twenties). Then, we get out of our twenties and see how young and good (and often "even more height-of-life" the thirties can be). Then we get into our forties and can discover life can be even better. Whether we develop some signs of aging in our forties or not until past fifty, life can be so full, and we can feel so whole, we're reasonably at peace with a few lines under our eyes. I, personally, haven't gone beyond the few fine-lines stage, but the point is that as life becomes more and more whole (or at least has more and more potential to become more whole) it often "comes in" and takes the place of all the things that once seemed to important. (The main point is that you have lots of time to have your life the way you want it. :) )
Your life isn't "lame". First, you do have the fact that you're in your twenties (which, even if it isn't the most important thing in the scheme of having a whole life, is a nice place to be - no matter how much your life is "all in place"). A whole lot of people don't have their life all in place in their twenties, and sometimes those experiences in the twenties are the things that help us get our life in an even better "place" later.
As someone who has only had a couple of incidents of relatively minor pangs of envy, I can only share what I think makes me not feel envy. I think the main thing is that what I see as "most important" in life is whether my kids and other loved ones are healthy, whether I'm healthy (all Number 1-importance in "my book"). The only things I view as "all that important in life" (in terms of "having") are having that good health and friends and family to love, and who care about me. In terms of "measuring a person's worth", the only way I measure anyone (including myself) is to ask if it's someone who doesn't intentionally hurt anyone else and who is generally a good and kind person.
Good health and having a good family can be a matter of luck, but being a good person and being a good friend or making some good friends, are not. For me, if I keep those aims/values at my core, feeling good about myself and happy with (at least "the main part" of) my life is easy.
Common "measures-of-a-man or woman" are often things like financial success, academic achievement, job, appearance and (particularly for some women and some people over a certain age) children.
I'll admit to being about as "vain" (in a kind of healthy way, I hope) as the next person, so when it comes to my appearance (the package in which this otherwise "fine person" lives :) ), I try to make the most of what I have and let the person I am on the inside be my guide, but also show through. Much of anyone's attractiveness comes from who/what he is on the inside. Most people don't have natural, super-model, good looks. Most aren't awfully ugly either. Much about who is attractive or not is about what they do to make the most of their looks and selves.
Since I'm someone who would love the world to be a much better place, I like to see even those small, insignificant, things that make the world I live in just a little more appealing, attractive, hopeful, inspiring, reassuring, or otherwise "better" in some way. I do what I can to try to make the world a little better (in ways more significant than just contributing my "wonderfully shiny hair", of course :) ), and then feel more whole and at peace with myself for knowing I'm among those who keep trying.
Life is seldom "all perfect and in place" for anyone, no matter how many outward signs would seem to indicate it is. When any of us manages to have what looks like a perfect life it is never permanent because, one way or another, something changes (even if it just means someone dies and leaves us).
For me, what has worked
Hi green eyed,
Nice to know you, an envious person like me. I recenty realized how terrible my jealousy be. I realize that I've had this since I was a child. I think we have something in common. I'm not a bad girl to others. I even know some who are envious of what I have. I know that enviousness is bad, but just can't stop it. As you say, it's nature. I just try to hide it or tell my sister or my boyfriend about it. In some way, it helps me to calm down. They are very close to me and understand me. They just laugh at me and I feel kind of comfortable. Some of my close friends say that they don't believe I'm that kind of person. But, as you do, I know myself and can control it and try not to hurt them. However, nature is not easy to control. I do hurt some of my friends and relatives because of it. For example, I stay away from whom I feel envious. :(( It's terrible that I'm aware of my nature and I don't want to have it. I'm fed up with it. It hurts me as well.
enviousgirl, I know your comment was directed at "green eyed"; but since I came by and saw it, I just wanted to say thank you for sharing with her and anyone else on here who has envy they don't like. Envy seems to be one of those things that people who have it can't always talk about to the people around them. I think it's nice for people to know that they are far from "the only one" who deals with envy to one extent or another. People who have shared here help others know that. :)
Thank you so much for this article. I (in Germany) had a competitive relationship with a flatmate from a much poorer country/former English colony - we both study English and she is much ahead of me - and one thing that really got me upset was her thiking of: you have it so easy. your parents are living around the corner.
I was constantly feeling that big chunks of my atrsy personality were attributed to my parents´ wealth (well, we are working class and they were highly indebted and so I learned that financial struggle is a natural part of my life).
What she did not see/understand that I have been working on the identity as a music/art loving person and that I paid the price of delaying my studies and messing some things up at uni and getting into financial troubles.
but these things helped me to gain u niqueness, a sense of indiviudlity and I was feelinng empowered.
also, i felt she was envious of my boyfriend given the fact that he would match her much better than her current one. - but he matches me greatly and.
i had to move out since also constantly being presented what cold be better about myself (like if we take her lingual skills that were aquired at a very early age in India) really slowed me down. I think enny sometimes spurrs your ativity and advannces, but sometimes it can get yu utterly depressed or make you feel very unconfortable especially on a filed where you can not win.
Thank you
Belle, thanks for sharing your own experience here. I think it's just to draining to have to deal with other people's envy - and it HAS to be draining on them. :/ I think people who struggle with envy too much really should seek some kind of counseling, because it does stop them from being happy (and probably stops them from being the best they can be too). (I don't mean the occasional twinge of envy that some people above have said they have. I mean people who can't stop paying attention to what everyone else has/does, rather than just live their life and work on their own life/self.)
Thanks again for sharing here. :)
Hi Lisa, many thanks for responding to my post. I corrected my old one:
Thank you so much for this article. I (in Germany) had a competitive relationship with a flatmate from a much poorer country/ former English colony - we both study English and she is much ahead of me - and one thing that really got me upset was her thinking of: You have it so easy. Your parents are living around the corner.
I was constantly feeling that big chunks of my artsy personality were attributed to my parents´ wealth (well, we are working class and they were highly indebted and so I learned that financial struggle is a natural part of my life).
What she did not see/understand that I have been working on the identity as a music/art loving person and that I paid the price of delaying my studies and messing some things up at university and getting into financial troubles.
However these things helped me to gain uniqueness, a sense of individuality and I was feeling empowered.
Also, I felt she was envious of my boyfriend given the fact that he would match her much better than her current one, but he matches me greatly and.
I had to move out since also constantly being presented what cold be better about myself (like if we take her lingual skills that were acquired at a very early age in India) really slowed me down. I think envy sometimes spurs your activity and advances, but sometimes it can get yu utterly depressed or make you feel very uncomfortable especially on a filed where you can not win.
Thank you
Hey Lisa, I am wondering about racism and envy.
Envy, I believe is a valid and justified emotion since a lot of people are being discriminated against and are underprivileged.
I (in Southgerman/working class family) was feeling guilty in relationship to the student from India since I could tell how my being helped out by my parents and my sister who are very supportive and liberal people was kind of hurting her. I could tell how much harder she had been working on making a living and bringing something to her table(I have been working too since the age of 14).
I just also think that she came from a upper caste Hindu family in India and she was born with loads of privileges too(without being proud of them). I have experienced this many times that international students from very rich families built up resentments against middle-class people German backgrounds because they experience how their own privileges disintegrate once they are enrolled at a German university –or, they never learned how to support themselves at home and so they struggle with finding a place in society here. At the same time I feel like without the tremendously huge efforts and privileges of their families at home they would not have been able to study at a German university that now ONLY costs 600Euros a semester (or nothing!).
I sometimes felt hated, guilty and disliked for my social situation (still, at the brink of poverty) . I stayed for 6 months in England and came back to Germany since I ran out of moneys(I was not confident enough for looking for a job there due to langauge problems) and
I experienced a serious, clinical depression, nervous break-downs because all of my international friends went back home too and my life was kind of falling apart. I think, I could have eventaually settled in England like many other continentals if I had not been going through this severe depression.
So, I decided to return and finish my studies at home and I never blamed anyone but myself for not being capable of coping well enough. So, for me it was very hard to deal with the fact that somebody kind of dislikes me for being in a better situation since I did not make the other person decide to fly all the way from Mumbai to Stuttgart.
I believe a lot of envy might have been caused by her own unwillingness to acknowledge that she might have made the wrong choices here and there (as we all do, of course) and this created a sense of being a victim in her, I believe.
Racism plays a role here because India was colonized by a European power and because
She will never have the same privileges(but she will have a much more impressive CV and get jobs I will have no access to). I was feeling kind of guilty for arguing with her because I knew that I am in the better situation(with my family around - and I knew what it is like to feel that crushed). At the same time I feel like this attitude/way of thinking really was instrumentalised by her so that she could send me on a guilt trip.
All the best,
Belle
Belle, thank you for contributing to the discussion here, and for presenting some points to ponder about envy. I'll have to come back at another time to give my response the proper effort. It's the beginning of my day-job workday for me, so I need to come back later when I can devote the right attention to responding here. (HubPages is my "off-hours" writing. :) ) I just wanted to acknowledge your comment.
These really have been some excellent perspectives on envy. Lisa HW, I like the way you take the time to respond in detail and I have enjoyed reading your input.
I notice that most of the comments seem to be from a female perspective so I thought I'd add some of my own (male) experiences with envy.
I'll just come out and say it - at the moment I am being devoured from the inside out by sudden, shockingly intense envy.
It centers around my best friend of 6 years, who is now also my business partner. I have had a long history of envy with this person but it has not reared its ugly head for nearly 3 years now.
Essentially, it revolves entirely around relationships with women.
I am extremely lucky in that I am an internet marketer and work for myself (also in my 20s). For a year now, my best friend / business partner and I have traveled all around the world while working - it's an easy life full of new things and opportunities for the both of us. It's somewhat nomadic, and I enjoy this very much.
My friend and I get on remarkably well and are perfectly well attuned to working together and enjoying life - that is, unless envy rears its ugly head. We have just moved to a new city in Europe for several months, got a new apartment etc.
I can accept that my friend is a little more handsome than I am, and I thought that I had completely got over this as I look fine also and have had some nice relationships in the past..
..but the "nightmare" scenario I have dreaded for some time has just happened. He's been "selected" or "snapped-up" by a girl of astounding beauty and sexual attractiveness. It's not just the looks - it's the way she acts, which is extremely sexual and arousing. My friend is now the lucky recipient of this attention and I have to watch him "lap it up".
The girl is foreign and extremely confident with her sexuality - and is used to getting whatever she wants because of her appearance. I think she would a popular target for the envy of some of the female "enviers" who have posted here. Indeed, she even said that many women in her life shun her through envy, including her mother and her sister.
Here is what my mins is telling me about the situation now:
In the space of a few days, I have gone from happy and stable to 1) Being viscerally reminded of my current lack of a relationship with a beautiful woman and 2) Left alone / put in position #2.
My friend has done nothing wrong. I respect his right to be happy but there is a horrific tension in my mind.
I utterly depend on having a good, close and productive relationship with this person
VS
Horrid gut feelings of envy and violent resentment - "you go or i go" or "I don't care what happens but I just can't bear to watch or be around this".
All this is contained in the mental backdrop that these feelings will destroy me if I lose control. I feel foolish and immature for not being able to use my reason to overcome these feelings - which I thought I had conquered a long time ago.
The fragile parts that keep my life "together" have, as I have always known they will, been knocked down and I am afraid about what will happen next. For the moment i'll just devote all my energy to keeping my feelings under control.
If you got this far- thankyou for reading, and be sure to share your experiences.
Reader 39,
Thanks for sharing your own experience with envy with readers here. Oh, there's no doubt that envy is something only girls and women experience. I've known guys who envy other guys and guys who envy women.
It looks to me as if, maybe, the situation with your friend's girlfriend is a salt-in-the-wound kind of thing.
It would seem really unfortunate to have a salt-in-the-wound, icing-on-cake, kind of thing damage a good, solid, friendship. One question might be, though, whether it's as good and solid a friendship as it appears on the surface, or may just be more a matter of something that looks like the bond of friendship when it's something more superficial (like happening to have a lot in common, happening to be business partners, and happening to get along well). I'm not suggesting it's something other than solid friendship (which is sometimes less subject to envy issues than less solid friendships). I'm only throwing the question out because it occurred to me.
One thing struck me as I read your comments, and - boy - is my immediate response to your comment a matter of my being a woman (and mother of sons) and thinking like a woman. :) I know that how I think (and have thought even as a kid) and how a guy thinks, when the matter relates to a beautiful girlfriend or wife, is completely different. I know, too, that my idea about how important even the most beautiful woman's appearance is is different. So, the following comments are comments I know will be "on a very different page" from where you are; but I can only speak from the page I happen to be on.
Usually, people only envy the things that are really important to them and that want. If a person doesn't care about being ridiculously wealthy he won't envy someone else who is. I don't think there's a thing wrong with a guy wanting to find a beautiful girlfriend who behaves is that "sexy way" any guy is likely to find appealing (at least for a while, or at least a good part of the time).
Things you said kind of "rang a bell" to me. One was that she's "confident in her sexuality". The other is that she apparently shows it in her actions. Something else was the point about her being envied by a lot of other women. I'm honestly not "some moral, religious, old-fashioned person" who "frowns on that kind of behavior out of "morality". Having said that (and hoping to have convinced you of my "motives"), this woman doesn't sound as impressive to me as she may look to you or some other guy.
There are a lot of very beautiful women who do have to deal with being envied by a lot of other women, or else resented by men. There's no doubt about that. At the same time, a lot of beautiful women believe that others are "hating them because they're beautiful", when often, other women may not think much of them because of their behavior. "Being extremely comfortable with her sexuality" isn't necessarily an appealing thing to a lot of women, because it is often seen as either someone who doesn't see herself as something more than what she can offer in terms of her looks and sex; or else she may be someone who sees her own looks as "so much more" than anyone's looks ought to me.
In other words, a lot of people (especially women) don't see the kind of behavior you've described as all that appealing in other women (and it has nothing to do with whether the person in question is beautiful or not). In fact, there are men who wouldn't be interested in a long-term relationship with a woman who behaves as you've described. I'm guessing you may be at an age or stage in your life when "long-term" isn't what you're interested in; but what that boils down to, then, is you're interested in "short-term" (but long-enough term to guarantee she'll be around on a regular basis for awhile). That's all fine and normal as far as the kind of thinking a lot of guys have goes, but it strikes me that you may be over-valuing the importance of having that kind girlfriend, for the reasons a lot of guys are looking for that kind of girfriend.
If she behaves as she does in front of you, then I'm guessing she's not seeing her "affection" for your friend as all that "intimate and special". I don't think it has to do with her being foreign. There's a good chance it has to do with something less benign than that (but I know I could be wrong on that point, or any number of others). (Again, I know this is my "woman thinking" here, but I know some men would also agree if they separate their idea from that "short-term, superficial, dream-girl" to what they really want in a relationship), I think there's a real good chance this young woman is either "all about impressing guys, and maybe even her own guy of the moment" or else "all about being impressed with own power to 'impress' guys with that 'confidence in her own sexuality'" - or both. With the first possibility, there's a good chance she has forgotten "herself, as a person" and will get sick of feeling forgotten after awhile. In the latter possibility, there's a good chance your friend will start to feel "forgotten as a human being" and tired of her.
If you said your friend's girlfriend was amazingly beautiful and nice and intelligent, I probably wouldn't "question your envy". Some people feel envy, and some people are competitive with friends. The things you've said about her (other than that she's very beautiful) make me wonder if you're either envying for a reason that's very "superficial" (the whole "show-off-y, sexy behavior, thing), rather than envying for reasons that, while maybe not admirable, are a little more about "the things that matter" when one measures what he has in his life. I even wonder if you're sensing negative feelings when around the two of them, and if somewhere in the mix of feelings (and aside from any impact your own response to her (appealing to you) behavior may have on your thinking) you're not get a great feeling about your friend's relationship with this individual.
In other words, maybe (and I'm not saying this is the case - just throwing out guesses) you think your friend is "suddenly acting like an idiot around her", and maybe there's a part of you that resents both him and his girlfriend for the fact that he doesn't always seem to be the same person he was, now that she's around. In other words, I'm giving you credit for maybe sensing the "offness" to the relationship (no matter how much of a "dream situation" it may be to a lot of guys) and interpreting your negative response to it as "envy".
It's not "women's thinking" to acknowledge that when it comes to matters of sex, there's so often that thing about "girls you'd bring home to meet your mother" and the one's you wouldn't. It's how male sexuality works. There are beautiful women who wouldn't be "extremely comfortable in their sexuality" to the point where they'd behave some ways in front of people who aren't their boyfriends or husbands. Here's another question: Is this girlfriend of your friend someone who would know enough to behave differently if she went with him to meet his mother or other family members, because if she is - then the question is why doesn't she behave differently around you? On the other hand, if she's someone who doesn't know the difference between how one acts to her boyfriend in private, and how she acts toward him when his best friend is around; you may want to ask if you think that's something you find all that "impressive" in a potential girlfriend either. There's something to be said for a woman who isn't so ignorant she doesn't know that some behavior may be "distracting" to the guy in the room who is not her boyfriend.
Again, I'm just throwing out some of the things that have occurred to me. I have no idea what, if anything, applies or comes anywhere near being even half-accurate.
It's not for me to second guess what you say about feeling envious of your friend, but I do know there are times when we, humans, have a way of looking to blame ourselves for what we know are negative feelings. I can't help but wonder if, in this case, you aren't so much envying your friend as you may have in the past, and
hey first of all thank you for this post...its amazing...i am a naturally envious person...i envy almost everything about other people...not that i am ok with this..infact far from it...i hate this emotion and i want to get rid of it..and the fact that you mentioned there are people who don't feel envy at all is very encouraging...i have had a very lonely childhood...and yes i was unnecessarily praised as a child...maybe because i was the first child...anyways...i have been working very hard towards not feeling envious because somehow to me being free of envy will make me sleep peacefully at night...i don't want to hurt others...even in my head...i want to be ok with their success and be ok with not being Number 1...just wanted to ask...maybe we feel envy because of insecurity...i mean insecurity that if we are not as good as another person we aren't any good at all...maybe if people like me who are envious because they can't see anyone better than them (even if the person has worked hard to be where they are)realize that being second or third is ok we will be able to be happy for another person...now i know life is not a competition...but i have been bought up being told i am better than others...my siblings being told i am better than them...so to me life is all about where you stand in other people's eyes...and the only way to break this is by being ok at number 2 or 3 or 100...if we just realize that maybe we won't get that much love or adoration but we will be ok....not bad but ok...i am really trying to remove this emotion from my life...because it just isn't practical or even rational
anya, thank you for sharing your own observations/experience with envy here. Maybe what makes any person feel envy is different (or at least kind of different) for every person who experiences it. I don't think there's any doubt that some kind of insecurity plays a role, but I wonder if the difference is in the kind of insecurity it is. For example, if a young woman who is very unhappy with her own build and feels really insecure about it, she may (or may not) feel envy toward young women who have "the perfect" shape. I say "may or may not" because a lot of people are insecure about themselves for a reason like that but don't envy others anyway.
On the other hand, maybe if the insecurity comes from what you mentioned (being told you better than others), there could be reasons for feeling insecure now. One might be that you don't have enough people telling you you're better now (or maybe the people who do tell you aren't people whose opinions matter now as much as they did once, so maybe you don't have "the right" people telling you what you got used to hearing). The other "spin" on this "angle" (being told you were better) might be that your insecurity is simply about feeling you've had the rug pulled out from under you if people aren't telling you that now (or else if you're grown up and "needed more", because what satisfies a kid's "ego needs" is often a lot simpler than what meets the "ego needs" of a more complex adult. I'm just throwing out "maybe's" here.
As I'm thinking about this, I'm wondering if maybe people who are always told they're better may just not learn how to "find their way" to security within themselves, and regardless of who says what. I'm a middle child (and actually, always a pretty happy and secure one). I can have a sense of humor about this; but, trust me, "the world" wasn't necessarily big on telling me I was "better". LOL I had parents who saw "being happy with onself" as "conceit". (There's a difference, of course, but they didn't seem to see that difference. LOL ) Anyway, even though they always told us how "wonderful" we were and how much they loved us, they worked pretty hard to make sure we knew we "weren't all that". Not being told I was "better" than other people, I guess I had to find my own way of seeing the ways in which I thought I had a right to feel secure about who/what I am. Wanting to feel really sure that I'd be basing any sense-of-security ("ego-wise" - my parents were great at the "overall-security thing actually) on something solid, I made sure I only used the things that I knew I was good at or had to build my own sense-of-security. I want to say "maybe there was a method to their madness", but I really don't think they knew what they were doing when they "worked so hard" to make sure I didn't become "conceited". LOL My point is, though, that I was left to either look within for a reason to feel secure, or else to work on the things that that I didn't want to feel insecure about.
Maybe where my parents did a very good job (in spite of what I mentioned above) is in emphasizing that "all that matters is that you're a nice (as in genuinely kind, not as in "smiles and acts sugary") person". That message did get through to me, and I guess, even if there were all kinds of things I wasn't all that secure about, I was always super-secure in the knowledge that I was a "nice person". So, I guess, since I bought the message they sent, I've never seen any of the other potential sources of insecurity as big issues. I guess, because I was at least that secure, I was able to trust myself to "manage" (muster up) my own sense of self-worth/security related to the "smaller issues". I'm thinking how, when it came to feeling secure about the "less important issues" (according to my parents), my parents kind of threw me to the wolves (LOL). Then again, before they did they made me sure I had that "underlying security" that would give me a way to fend for myself on those "smaller" matters of security.
Maybe, if you've always been told you're better; and if you got to a stage in life where you looked around and discovered you aren't always better, maybe you also kind of discovered that what "your world" had always told you wasn't true. That, in itself, could be a cause of insecurity; and that, in itself, could be a reason you could feel kind of "up in the air" (insecure) when it comes to feeling "solidly secure".
OR, another "angle" to this guessing is that maybe you did believe "everyone", didn't have any reason not to (because you saw all the "wonderful" things you knew you were); but then grew up and found yourself in a world where the very thing that has been a source of security for you looks threatened when you run into someone who is a reminder that you're not better than "everyone".
We live in a world that doesn't always particularly value "kindness" or "being a nice person". In fact, we live in a world that often seems to think being nice is either phony or else stupid. Most people, I think, are kind, nice, people; but being kind and nice isn't usually something people can "support" whole egos on in this world (unless, of course, they're me and had parents who told them nothing else they were or did counted (LOL)).
You are obviously one of those nice people, because you don't like your own envy and don't want it. The irony is, it's that envy, itself, that may be the one thing that "mars your kindness and niceness". Maybe you just never had to look within, find the valuable things you are, as a person, and build a sense of security on those things. Maybe, too, the message you were sent wasn't that being kind or nice is quite as "valuable" as some of the more "superficial" things in life.
Maybe, too, you actually are "better" in a lot of those more superficial ways; and maybe that's been what has allowed you to be drawn into building your security on "better", rather than on "inner".
I don't know if any of these wild guesses at all come close, or at all apply - but there's a few more guesses. Returning to this Hub has actually given me an idea for new one (for whatever it will or won't be worth). Maybe I'll write that in the next few days.
Again, thank you for sharing with readers here. Your observations and experience will probably be very helpful to some of them.
lisa thank you so much for such an in depth reply..and thank you for actually taking the time to think of possible reasons behind my envy...seeing that you have been so kind and genuinely interested in my situation let me tell u some more or why i feel i envy people so much...i dont know if you would be interested but still i liked the way u were tryin to help rather than judge...u see i envy more often now coz i did something very bad in my past for which i still haven't forgiven myself...i stole a very good friend's boyfriend 3 - 4 yrs back...he actually dated her and went around with me at the same time for almost a year and a half and even though she was a good frd i just ignored her...i acted like a total bitch...and he eventually left her...i have since apologised to her and she has forgiven me saying she is much happy now with the man of her dreams...and somehow i felt my bf still loved her even after breaking off with her...so i broke off with him...now i feel i came between 2 people who loved each other and i cant forgive myself...even though everyone involved says its the past...this guilt...this feeling like a monster..doesnt allow me to feel happy coz i feel i dont deserve it at all...so u see part of my envy is coz i dont allow myself to be happy and i unconsciously envy those people who are happy even though they havent done the shit that i did...i know i did a very very bad thing and i have been punishing myself for 4 - 5 yrs now...but still cant let go...can understand if this isnt related to the article and u cant answer
Anya, you're welcome on the "in-depth" reply. When people take the time to contribute to the conversation on an article like this, it also opens up an area for more back-and-forth discussion; because every has his own, different, "angle" to the subject. So, it kind of gives the article/Hub more to it than just "what I wrote - and that's it". So, reader's comments and contributions are appreciated.
As far as your latest comment goes, though; it isn't really that it's not related enough to the Hub, but I do think I'm not qualified to make guesses about the "new elements" you introduced. Envy is such a common thing in people that even those who don't experience it very much have run into it in one way or another. So, I felt qualified enough to offer thoughts on envy. I'm old enough that I have grown kids, so I've lived long enough that I don't feel a person needs a lot of credentials in psychology to discuss the different types of envy people run into.
With something like not allowing yourself to be happy, I'm pretty comfortable making any guesses about that. It's not that that's all that rare in people, by any means, but I think it's a problem that's just a little "deeper" than "plain, old, common, envy" is.
The one thing I do wonder, though (and don't feel too un-qualified to comment on) is whether you're someone who is, maybe, in your twenties or younger. I'm not expecting you to answer that question here - it's just that the following thought might apply more to someone who is in that those age ranges:
I just wonder if, after you said "everyone" used to tell you you're better than a lot of other people; whether high standards were set for you, by others and by you. I'm wondering if not measuring up to any higher standards like that may actually more be the issue for you, rather than any deed(s) you did that you don't feel right about having done.
Sometimes, when people have been raised being told, over and over again, what high standards were expected of them; those people start to "hear" their parents words in their own thinking, even once they're grown up. They learn to be the kind of tough on themselves that "the world" once was, even though they "know in their head" whatever was done has been forgiven and is in the past.
My point is, just in general, there are a lot of young people who have been raised with the expectation of high standards of behavior; and who have developed the same kind of expectations for themselves. The problem can be, sometimes, that some young people never had anyone say to them, "Hey - you're young. Young people mess up and do stuff that isn't great." You may already know this, but there's a part of the brain in young people that isn't really fully mature until early- to mid-twenties. Because of that, it can affect some choices people make, how they think, how they interpret some things, etc. etc. Even aside from that, though, people who are young often just make choices that aren't the greatest and that they later regret.
Most people have been raised to learn "the rule", "You can't make excuses for your less than great choices. You have to be responsible for your own actions." Well, we do; and that rule isn't a bad one. Sometimes, though, "The Rules of Living" shouldn't be quite so strictly applied to young people, simply because, as I said, young people do mess up. It's part of being young. When it comes to "The Rules of Living", one size can't fit all - at least not until people are completely mature in their thinking. People can look pretty grown up by their mid- and late teens, but they aren't finished maturing on the inside for quite awhile past that. Mistakes we make when we're young, and those mistakes we end up feeling really bad about, are often the things that become part of a "learning experience" that help make us a better person once we're completely mature.
So, I guess what I'm saying (if you're young, or if you were young when you did the stuff you now feel bad about); and if you don't have anyone to tell you, "Hey - you were young. Young people mess up," then maybe you need to start by telling yourself that (because it's true).
I don't know if any of these thoughts apply to your situation/you or not, but that's about as far I think I ought to guess, in view of the fact that I'm no expert in this area.
OR - if none of the above applies, maybe it's worth just thinking of those sayings, "No use crying over spilled milk," and "Life is short," and trying to let the past go and just decide to learn from a youthful mistake and move on.
hey lisa...i am 23 now...when all this happened i was 20...i broke it off with my bf this year as i realized he was still in love with her....and no nobody's told me it was a youthful mistake...just dont wanna allow myself to do it again....thanks for the reply! will definitely consider this...
anya, then.. you're still young, as I guessed. You're still at an age when a lot of people tend to be sorting out all this kind of stuff. Don't be too hard on yourself. Chances are you'll iron it all out all out soon. Good luck. :)
thanks a lot lisa!
I have a girlfriend that I cant help but be envious of, mostly because I feel that all the things she has were not of her doing and basically that she didnt work for any of it. Her boyfriends ( now husband ) parents bought them a house in a beautiful neighborhood, where she lives as a stay at home mom with her son and dog. Its practically like they have the typical perfect life. Meanwhile I had been working the last 6 years at a physically and mentally challenging job and all I have to show for it is my little townhouse with no yard, and my paid off car. Me and my fiance decided we couldnt afford a house or wedding with our other bills and without any help. I couldnt help but think that everything she had is what i should have and that i was the one that worked hard all these years while she did nothing but gotten handed it all. I finally came to the conclusion that I had to stop this feeling not only for the sake of our friendship but for my own personal morals. I was begining to become a person i never wanted to be... bitter, jealous, incompassionate. I started looking at my life and hers in a different perspective. I realized that I really took pride in the fact that the things i did have I had because i worked for them and did it on my own. My townhouse may be little but it is filled with memories of that $2000 deposit i managed to put down myself, cooking those first awful meals that my now fiance tried to act like were good, and taking all those little steps to get our 42" tv and our first vacation together. The house his parents bought she was not even involved in the process. They considered it his home because it was their money and the more i thought about it i felt almost sad that she missed out on alot of the experiences i had that shaped me to be who i am today. Experiences that are so important to have as a couple and memories that will forever stay in your heart. I regret ever feeling so envious of her in the 1st place, not because i feel in the long run I got the better end because i still feel I didnt in a lot of ways but because its disguisting to think i could look at my friend of 14 years and not be happy for her. Im happy that something finally snapped in my head that said " what is wrong with you, you were not raised to be this person". To anyone else who has been in similair situations, i hope one day you feel the relief of envy. Im glad this burden is finally gone
C, thank you for sharing your own experience with feeling envy (but also with finding a way to deal with it) with readers. It's good that you've been able to get rid of the envy; but, respectfully, I couldn't help but notice one thing in your comment - and that is, that you are still apparently comparing what you have to what your friend has. :) It's good that you've found the good aspects to what you do have, and that you see what you've gained from getting things your way.
If you think about it, though, the way you've found to relieve your envy was to see the things she doesn't have that you feel you do have. You've turned around the positive aspects of what she has versus what you have; and turned her into the "have not" (at least in some ways). The peace of mind you've found is coming from your finding a way to see yourself as the one who has ended up with "more" in some way(s). It might be better (for you or for other readers here) to be able to stop seeing life as a competition at all - and just be able to be happy for someone who is fortunate enough to have something (or even fortunate enough to have relatives who "just hand" something to them).
It's very true that we get something from the pride and learning that comes with working hard for what we have; but I have to be honest: I've worked hard for whatever I've ever had in this life, and I have to say it might have nice to have someone just hand me some of it. No, I wouldn't have had some of the sense of accomplishment, and I wouldn't have learned some of the things I've learned along the way. Then again, though, if I hadn't been spending my time working so hard, maybe I would have learned other things, or had more time to accomplish other things in life.
I think sometimes when people have worked very hard for what they have, they've sacrificed things and used up time and energy enough that they may be more likely to resent those who don't have to work so hard. I still think, though, the most peace comes from keeping in mind that what others have, do, or learn are of no consequence to us, in our lives. Someone else getting a new tv from a relative doesn't mean we can't get one, one way or another; and our working hard to get our own tv (and having that sense of accomplishment we get from struggling so hard) isn't of much consequence to our friends.
I don't mean AT ALL to diminish that you've found a way to manage your own envy. It's obviously better to see the "silver lining" to our own situation. Still, there might be even more "mental peace" (freedom from envy) in being able to look at a friend and think, "She's such a good friend to me. Isn't it nice that she has in-laws who could give her a nice, new, tv."
Envy has that element to it that always makes a person need to take the other person "down a peg" in some way. It's always about the envier having a set of rules that he thinks ought to apply to people when it comes to what people are/have or aren't/don't have. I think the best way to fight envy is to think, "I have my own set of rules for me, and I live by them. I play the hand I'm dealt as well as I can." Life is more like solitaire - not poker. There's little use in trying to look someone else's cards.
I do think it's very important that people (like you) see what "good cards" they do have, because among the most important things we need to see (and appreciate) are those positive things we have gained in life. It's just that I think it's even better if we can focus on our own "good cards" and not worry about what anyone else did or didn't get in their hand. That's when envy will really go away (and not just be quieted down). :)
thank you so much for sharing your thought... :)
nice hub!
As someone who works for a non-profit that doesn't offer any benefits, makes just enough money to pay the bills, and is married to a financially irresponsible person, I find it impossible not to envy people who are financially secure, have good health insurance and are married to someone who provides financial stability and the prospect of retirement one day.
Kattalover, it doesn't strike me that your "envy" is of the negative variety. I know what you mean about seeing something someone else has or does and thinking, "I don't mind saying that I wish I had that." I don't do this often, but sometimes, for example, I'll see someone with the kind of hair I've always wished I had, and I'll think, "Boy, I wish I had that kind of hair!" I guess there can be a fine line between that kind of harmless "envy" (the kind that isn't mean, doesn't involve resentment, and doesn't make a person feel anything bad about the other person or even himself/herself) and "admiration". I guess, maybe, the difference is whether we resent the other person (or people like him/her) when we notice they have something we wish we had.
I don't know... It's just kind of automatic (in a case like the example I gave) to think, "Wow. That person has great hair," (admiration) and then think, "That's the kind of hair I've always wished I had - and never will," and then automatically use the word, "envy". I just double-checked on Merriam-Webster online, to see if any of their definitions include "wishing one had" but not resenting. All I saw were definitions that include resentment and other nasty emotions. LOL
"Unresentful hair-envy issue" aside; based on what I've seen and read, I guess a lot of (maybe most) people feel pangs of envy (the unpleasant kind) at one time or another. I guess the main difference between nastiness and just experiencing envy is whether someone acts on his envy and/or allows his feelings/judgment about the other person/people to be altered by the envy. :)
Thank you so much for your kind words, Lisa!
After giving this some more thought I realize that the person I resent most is myself: for making poor choices in the past and for letting what others have (or what I think they have) influence my perception of myself to the point that I consider myself a failure.
It seems like the past ten years have showered me with one catastrophe after the other, all of them accompanied by severe financial setbacks and caused by my husband and/or his rotten sons. I may have a safe and steady job and a husband who has a safe and steady job, doesn't drink, do drugs or is pathologically jealous (like my past boyfriends), but I no longer count those as blessings. I wish there were more to my life than working, paying bills, and trying to save for retirement.
That's why I envy a friend of mine who is my age and on SSD. She has very little money but is one of the most generous people I know. A couple of months ago a man began courting her. I haven't met him yet, but from what she tells me he is a nice guy, has a good retirement, works for the post office, lives in a nice subdivision near the beach, and has no family baggage.
Her past relationships were mostly abusive and she's been single for at least five years, so I should be happy that she has finally met someone who wants to spend time with her, is generous and attentive and can afford to give her nice gifts (I can't even dream of a Kindle, for example) or to take her out for a four-day weekend. Unfortunately, it keeps reminding me what I'm missing in my own marriage and that I choose to stay because things are just not bad enough for me to muster what little energy I have and leave.
It all sounds petty and dumb when I write it down, but it helps me see things a little clearer, so thank you very much for bearing with me!
Kattalover, I need to come back at a later time to respond with a little more thought than I'm able to right now. (Don't ask me why I'm still up - yet again - at almost 5 a.m., but my workday will start at 10 a.m., so I need to sign off. I just didn't want you think I was ignoring your post. :) (Not that you're holding your breath for my reply, I know. :) )
liza b.c. 3 years ago
i cant undersatnd such kind of feelings,but its only such a sickness of one person.for me its kind of someones nature,and there is just no way to have it done and help it!this kind of people dont just deserve to have some beautiful kind of nature as friend,for they could damage some kind of!but no one can really change it!believe me!its just some kind of,bad accute sickness of one person!.i indeed believe on that way! for i have so much struggles about this kind of nature.i have had this in the fact that,i do not understand!why,for i dont have things in so much special!i have nothing special actually!i am so normal as i believe!but why even feel kind envy over me!i used to say it to her!she used to be my friend for over 16 years!but never even she valued the way i was who was only the one always there trying all my best to help her,when she is totally down.how it is even possible!i could never believe it and it is so hard for me,to get over this kind of fact as a huge damaged of my life as its comes almost more than touches all of my private kind of living now!that to imagine how i actually worked hard on!.