Thoughts on Reasons So Many Men Don't Go to Doctors - Opinion and Personal Observations

An Issue Often Associated With Men, But Men Aren't The Only Ones

This Hub was written to encourage discussion/awareness of issues associated with the very real problem (often associated with men) of being reluctant to seek medical or mental-health help. I've made light of the matter here and there throughout the Hub, but that isn't intended to imply that this "phenomenon" is a laughing matter.

As someone who lost a 62-year-old father to a major heart attack (after he has always seemed so outwardly healthy, active, and symptom-free and not seen a doctor in decades), it's not a matter I take lightly (even if there can be a little humor in how some people regard doctors).

With regard to mental-health issues, we live in a world full of people who have successfully sought help for their own. We also live in a world in which so many people have sought all kinds of help, only to find they never found the kind of help that was right for them. In that world there are also a whole lot of loved ones, of people with problems, who are frightened, frustrated, and/or angered that the person they love won't seek help.

What's in this Hub are not the words of a man or of an expert. They're just the thoughts and ponderings of someone who's had a little (or a lot of) first-hand experience with, or exposure to, all the issues associated with not seeking help, even when someone knows he needs help.

INTRODUCTORY THOUGHTS ON THE PREMISE, THE MYTH, THE TRUTH-BASED OBSERVATIONS, AND THE EXCEPTIONS

We so often hear, "men don't go to doctors" or "men don't seek help when they're dealing with emotional issues" and, of course, "men don't ask for directions". Being a woman, it has always kind of bothered me that these traits are associated only with men; because I'm right up there with men when it comes any of these behaviors.

In fact (and in spite of the fact that I'm your usual heterosexual/non-transgendered/non-anything- else variety of woman (and actually pretty obviously of the feminine variety), so often whenever there's a discussion about "what men do" or "how men think" I'm usually all ears because I know that discussion may well apply to me.

So, the main point I'm making here is that it isn't just men who do or don't do some things. Whether men don't do some things for the same reasons that some women don't do those things is something of which I cannot, of course, be completely certain. I thought, however, that I'd throw out a few of my reasons for not doing some things and let the chips fall where they may.

Even with that, though, I'm the first to point out that there's a good chance my reasons for having that "trait" of being reluctant to seek help for one thing or another may, in fact, be a very different one than the reasons any man may have. So, let me be the first to acknowledge, point out, and admit that I may not be of the sex that should be making assertions about why men do anything or don't do anything. As someone who usually identifies with so many of those behaviors so often attributed to men, however, I thought I may be able to shed at least a little light on the matter of being reluctant/resistant to seeking help from others.

A secondary-point, though, is that among both the general public and among many experts a certain kind of thinking or set of thinking "styles" has often been attributed to one sex or the other; and even though there's also often the comment, "..but there are always exceptions" that gets tacked on (while, of course, nobody really pays much attention to those "exceptions" or even seems to have a clue about exactly how much of those exceptions may go undetected).

I'd like to also point out that although I very much fit into the thinking behavior/traits generally associated with men, I also have a whole lot of traits/behaviors that would, without doubt, have a place on the list of traits/behaviors showing up on the list for women.

So, another part to that secondary point is that I don't have a lot of faith in even experts who think they have "men's thinking" and "women's thinking" mostly "all down" (leaving room, of course, for those apparently rare exceptions). Based not only on my own understanding of my own thinking and behavior, but also on a lot of women and men I've known in just my personal life; I have reason to think that exceptions aren't anywhere as rare as some people would have us believe. In other words, I think the experts need to go back to the drawing board when it comes a lot of what is believed about men's and women's thinking and behavior; and I think a lot of people in the general public need to look within or around them, rather than to some books, when it comes to forming opinions about men's or women's thinking.

Another part to that secondary point is that this isn't the only matter regarding which what the experts say and what I've noticed in my own life don't match. That's one reason why I don't have as much confidence in what experts know as some people do. Having said that, however, I'm not completely ridiculous when it comes to realizing that there are things trained, knowledgeable, and experienced professionals know that I don't. In other words, if I think there's something a doctor can do for me that I can't do for myself, I'll (by all means) set up an appointment. I'll admit, however, that the bar I've set for seeing a doctor is pretty high - way, way, high. For example, if I ever think I'm having a heart attack I'll most likely see a doctor. That is, of course, if I've already ruled out the possibility that I've eaten an indigestion-producing food or that I've just gone around opening windows that are stuck after a year's worth of being closed and day of high humidity. (Every Spring I do that one, so now I know to remind myself that if I have chest pain later it isn't a heart attack.)

PHYSICIANS - AVOIDING THEM OR STALLING ON SEEING THEM

One reason a person may prefer to avoid doctors at most (if not all) costs is that he doesn't want the doctor "finding stuff". Doctors have a way of forgetting what you went there for in the first place, especially once they get the drift you haven't seen a doctor since 1985 (except for that one time you went when your skull felt numb because you had Sinusitis and were afraid you may be having a "partial skull stroke").

Doctors mean well (and are trying to be thorough) when you show up with a twisted ankle and they turn things into a major health overhaul, but a lot of people don't like muddying the issues. As a result, a lot of people have the thinking, "Once they get you in there they start looking for stuff." Why do they have that thinking? Because once they get you in there they DO start looking for stuff. Much of the time, that stuff is stuff you don't want to think about when you've mustered up the mental energy and overcome the fact that you hate being a patient in order to get your twisted ankle x-rayed. Some people prefer to deal with one problem at a time. Some see quickly wrapping up an ankle before turning the whole visit into the beginnings of a major overhaul as something akin to Attention Deficit Disorder. ("Why the hell are we talking about that same old, unchanged, mole I've had since I was five when I came here to talk about the fact that I can't use both of my ankles to support the rest of me?!! Yes, I've known I 'ought to get that looked at', and yes, I plan to get it looked at when/if it gives me reason to think it needs looking at; but since I've been looking at it for - like- forty years and it hasn't killed me yet, I figure waiting until October is probably good enough.")

Then, especially for anyone at all around middle age, there's the cholesterol matter. A lot of us know we've probably been putting a little too much light cream in our coffee for a long time (if we're women) or (if we're men) maybe we've been having a few too many cheeseburgers. Our plan may be to cut out the cream or the burgers (or at least the cheese) in the near future; so we figure another few weeks of fats aren't going to make a whole lot of difference. Dr. Look-For-Things, however, notices we're middle aged and, of course, suggests a few screenings for one thing or another. Now, it's quite possible Dr. Look-For-Things won't make a big deal about if we don't immediately set up an appointment at the lab, but we're often not in the mood to take the chance that Dr. Look-For-Things is also Dr. Harp-er." The point is, for someone who likes to keep issues from getting muddied, it's just aggravated to go for help for an injured ankle and be hearing about cholesterol, moles, and whatever else Dr. Look-For-Things happened to spot.

Something else related to something like the cholesterol thing is that a lot of people have seen how others have been put on medication for things that might have otherwise been dealt with, and corrected, by changes in diet or other habits. Most of us know how someone will start taking one medication, start having side-effects of it, and eventually get into a whole cycle of taking one thing to fix another thing (completely removing the chances the body may ever have the chance to heal or return to a healthier state in some way). Yes, we (some men and women who are like) know all the arguments about taking care of something immediately with medication, rather than waiting and aiming to improve the situation through lifestyle changes; but some people are more likely to take risks that involve respecting the natural way of doings things; while others are more likely to take risks involved with the potentially negative consequences of medications.

Besides the tendency of physicians to muddy matters up by findings new issues to add, there's the problem that patients have to wait unbearably long times just to have the appointment in the first place (which means having the whole aggravating business hanging over your head); but then they have to sit in a waiting room for even more aggravating and unbearable waiting. People who like "neat" thinking (rather than "muddy" thinking) also like "punctual thinking". It is, I think, all part of the kind of thinking involved with the attitude, "Let's not make a bigger, more complicated, more unpleasant, deal than this has to be be."

Also, besides muddying the issues, doctors can often seem to favor making mountains of mole-hills (or I should say, "making mountains out of moles"), so it can just seem to some people as if a visit to the doctor will inevitably turn not only into a muddied mess but also a bigger mess than anything ever had to be.

When you're appointment was for 1, and you got there at 12:45, having to wait until 3:20 to see the person with whom you supposedly had an appointment is extremely aggravating. You know the whole bit about the other patients and the rest of all the blah-blah-blah, but somehow it just seems these people ought to figure out a way to be more efficient.

There are also people who live under a lot of stress to the point where they just don't want to "be picked at". A person who doesn't like "being picked at" anyway has to be in a good mood and good frame-of-mind to overcome his aversion to being picked at enough to go to a physician (and the rest of the "health-care team" that often becomes part of the "picking at" team).

Something else is that doctors and other health-care people often believe your less-than-sensible approach to your own medical care stems from ignorance rather than plain, old, aversion. You know why some things make good sense. You know the whole bit about finding things early enough to save your life (blah blah blah ). You know those things in your head, and you even understand and believe them. In your heart, however, (that heart that may well kill you, or - worse - half-kill you, if you don't get your cholesterol and blood pressure under control) there's just a part of you who would rather die than get picked at.

There's also a part of you that knows some things start so small even the best tests won't pick them up. So, you think, "If I get screened tomorrow and nothing shows up, that doesn't mean something won't pick up speed next week (a whole year before the next screening). In other words, today is too early to have something found but next week is 50 weeks before the next screening, is that screening I get today really going to make much difference? I mean, there's a point where people would have to be screened for everything daily in order to accomplish that aim of finding something soon enough; so it can almost seem (at least to the person who wants/needs to rationalize his own careless behavior) that a person may as well just wait until symptoms show up (and even then, maybe ignore then and just go with dying).

None of this, I know, is sound or sensible (so please don't post comments about how screening saved so-and-so's life. It's just how some people can think. I'm not recommending it, defending it, or otherwise suggesting it isn't absolutely irrational. The point here, though, isn't to suggest that not seeing doctors is a great idea. It's to explain why some people put off going if it at all seems reasonable.

Not long ago I was talking to my cousin (a woman) about not being awfully quick to see a doctor for some things. She's in the area of my age, and she said she had fallen in her bathroom not long ago. She said a lot of people thought she was crazy for not seeing a doctor but that she would only go if she were in "excruciating pain". My cousin uses a motorized wheelchair because she was born with a medical condition that meant she had trouble walking from the time she was a child. As a child she went through four surgeries and long stretches in full-length casts, leg braces, and the occasional wheelchair.

My cousin said to me, "You know what I went through when I was a kid, and I don't want to go through anything else. I had four surgeries and went through the whole thing with casts and wheelchairs, and none of it worked. I'm still in a wheelchair today." She's right. I do remember what she went through. I remember playing with a little girl in braces and running around the yard with her, and I remember being the only one who could stand and run once she was in a wheelchair and months of casts after one surgery or another.

I remember that until I was ten my close friend and cousin could play mostly the same way I could play, and after that so much of her childhood and teen years seemed aimed at the goal of treating her condition, always keeping in mind her aim to walk at her high school graduation and walk down the aisle as a bridesmaid in my sister's wedding. My cousin walked (without crutches) for those two occasions, but it wasn't all that long after that pain set in and she returned to using crutches and eventually a wheelchair.

This was only one person and one less than positive outcome for a whole lot of medical treatment, but the point is it isn't always irrational to wonder if, at least sometimes, leaving some things without aggressive treatment is always such a bad idea.

I've had a dentist tell me my five-year-old's injured and gray tooth would never turn white again, and it did. I've had a doctor tell me my four-year-old had flat feet, only to discover he didn't. More than one doctor told me what I knew was a turn in my son's eye was "the bridge of his nose". A doctor treated my mother for angina for months, as I kept telling her she had symptoms of gallbladder problems. Finally, she turned yellow, went to the doctor, and had her gallbladder surgery just as the stones were headed for the duct. I have several other stories that would point out reasons I may be reluctant to see a doctor more quickly than I think may be necessary (and so do most other people).

I have tremendous respect for and appreciation toward so many amazing medical professionals, so I'm not "anti-doctor". I am, however, (and like so many other people) just a little more reluctant to see a doctor if I think there's at all the chance I can keep things simple by giving the body's amazing ability to so often heal itself a chance. A lot of people (like a lot of men and like me) have completely and utter awe and deepest gratitude for so all those mind-bogglingly amazing and wonderful things medicine so often brings to this world. We just also have a certain amount of faith in Nature and a little awareness that some things don't always require amazing miracles - just a little time. True, waiting isn't always the wisest thing to do; but we (men, women or anyone in-between) sometimes choose to err on the side of caution (but "caution" means something different to different people).

MENTAL/EMOTIONAL HEALTH ISSUES

I'm not going to address the wide range of mental-health problems such as psychoses or personality disorders. These are conditions which, by virtue of symptoms associated with them, may mean a person doesn't realize he has a mental illness or else cannot trust anyone (medical professional or otherwise). Neither will I address substance-abuse matters, which, by virtue of traits/behaviors associated with them often include denying one has a problem with substance-abuse. In other words, what will be addressed her are the more common mental/emotional issues/conditions that sometimes hit otherwise, and previously, perfectly healthy people - mood problems, stress problems, and anxiety issues.

This is only an assumption, so it isn't presented as anything but that; but I'd venture to assume that for a lot of people (including men) there are times when these problems get extreme enough to make even the most reluctant appointment-setter-upper to reach for the phone. When it comes to determining where the line is that makes a problem "extreme enough" probably involves where a person sets his own bar for "extreme enough", and a lot of people (perhaps especially men) have natures that cause them to try to work out their own problems on their own. They may have behind them a lifetime of pretty much always being able to work out whatever problems they've had. They may have confidence in their own coping skills and common sense.
In fact, they may enough confidence and common sense to know that their mood, anxiety, or stress problem isn't "some mysterious chemical imbalance that showed up out of the blue in an otherwise happy life". In other words, while they may realize that their "chemicals" may have become "imbalanced", they also believe that treating an imbalance that stems from external causes isn't necessarily the wisest or most appropriate thing to do.

For example, imagine a guy with three kids to feed and support in a job that's demanding or exhausting. Maybe he doesn't have the know-how or education to "just get a better job". He can't quit his job and go to school, because he has kids to feed. He'd be considered irresponsible (at best). He could find another awful job and be equally unhappy in it, but he doesn't see the point in that. He can abandon his family and go make a new and "more rewarding" life for himself, but he loves his family and wouldn't be happy not being with them.

Someone else might be the guy (or woman) kicked out the family home by a court, when divorce was only alternative. This person may be separated from his children, living in bad circumstances created by the court, and grieving losses that only someone in that situation could imagine. His time with his children has been limited to Wednesday nights and Saturdays, the custodial parent may be doing things that further compromise his relationship with his children, and what he needs is a lawyer and a court system that will order an arrangement that isn't so mentally/emotionally destructive to non-custodial parents. Most of the time, there isn't such a court system, which means there also isn't such a lawyer.

This individual may be a strong individual with great coping skills (so he doesn't need any tips on how to cope), but as time wears away at him it also wears away at his mental and emotional well-being. He may reach a point where he knows he needs help and tries to think of where he can find that help. He may consider a mental-health professional but realize that help usually comes in two forms - medication and talk therapy.

This individual may wonder if anti-depressants would be the answer, but he knows so many other people in rotten life situation who found anti-depressants (though readily prescribed, presumably because mental-health professionals can't do anything about someone's sometimes "rotten"life, or at lest the "rotten" aspects of it). He has heard some of the frightening potential side-effects and thinks too much of his own health and body to want to risk his own health "because of something someone else did" in his life.\

The idea of tranquilizers may occur to him, but he knows he needs a clear head to be able to do what he needs to do to function, do his best at being the kind of parent he wants/needs to be, and (again) worries about side-effects. He may also be worried about becoming dependent.

This person, even well aware that he doesn't want to become dependent on alcohol either, may realize that a glass of wine or a beer may actually be "the best tranquilizer". These are easy to get from the local package store. They're a whole lot cheaper than prescription drugs. So, he may vow to resort to that drink only when he's going through a particularly bad episode of mood, stress, or anxiety problems. While he may risking becoming dependant on alcohol, there's a good chance that if he's careful enough he won't. The world is full of people who have the occasional glass of wine or beer at the end of a particularly bad day.

What about that talk therapy? After all, medication isn't the only "help". The person who feels capable and has proven his own coping skills may know he has either talked his problems to death with someone close many times in the past. He may also be someone who just doesn't want to "re-hash" problems if a conversation isn't going to lead to any results. To some people (often men, although I've known my share of men who love to re-hash and re-hash problems for which there is no immediate solution), it's a waste of time and emotion to "dredge up" and talk about problems for which a conversation will lead to no solution.

Human beings who have a reasonable level of intelligence, self-understanding, and common sense often know they don't need anyone to "help them sort things out". They've sorted things out, looked at each, individual, thing, seen what it is, and seen that while sorting out and organizing problems can at least make a person feel slightly better; once they've been competently sorted out, organized, and looked at; they're all still there and still robbing the person of a basic sense of happiness.

Another factor that contribute to resistance to seeking a mental-health professional's help is that some people don't like the idea of "paying to have someone listen to them". They may be people who have found great help and comfort in having a "genuine friend" listen to them; and, to them, paying a stranger to do what true friends so often do (even if it can't be enough) isn't very appealing.

The frustration of "addressing" such problems in such fruitless conversations just adds to the anxiety and stress. If the person has problems that are for him so disturbing and upsetting his only relief may be to get his mind on something else (if possible), re-hashing is the last thing he wants to do and "venting" isn't something he needs. Again, since a professional cannot change his life situation and can only either give him tips for coping or tips for making a change, he doesn't see the point is seeking help. This individual may have years (even decades) of coping well behind him. He may be a coping expert, himself. He knows (in a world that so often doesn't know that there are times when a person CANNOT change his circumstances, no matter much or how hard he has tried) that he cannot change his circumstances. That goes back to the realization that the only help within the power of a mental-health professional is having someone to offer medication or coping tips and an ear for re-hashing and venting. The mental-health field is not where so many people will find the help they need.

To further add reasons people don't seek help for emotional matters, there's the fact that too much prolonged, extreme, stress can take a physical toll in the form of the physiological changes that take place under stress/unhappiness. Adrenal fatigue is said to a possible consequence of extreme, unrelenting, stress. Besides the adrenal gland's sometimes "running out of juice" (that has previously helped a person cope), the circulatory system constricts (Nature's way of preventing bleeding to death under threat), blood glucose levels rise, ability to concentrate can be affected, and overall exhaustion can stop a person from functioning well.

Extreme adrenal insufficiency is considered, "disease" (Addison's Disease); but people with less extreme conditions that stem from stress don't necessarily have such an extreme condition. Treatment for milder forms of adrenal fatigue is a specific, proper, diet and lots of rest. The problem for the person suffering mood/functioning problems resulting from this is that rest may not possible. Like the guy with the three children above, or the guy separated from his kids, and struggling to support them and overcome challenges to his relationship with them, above, some people aren't in situations where "plenty of rest" is possible. Proper diet may be particularly difficult, too, because sugars, fats, and caffeine are generally prohibited on the diet recommended for people with milder forms of adrenal fatigue; but extremely exhausting and stressful living situations can mean a person needs more carbohydrates and fats to function (his body will demands them and if it doesn't get them he won't be able to function). Since stress can also mean more digestive upset, this individual may find that the fresh fruits and vegetables of the adrenal-fatigue diet actually make him feel sick (or at least "don't agree with him").

The person who has reason to believe his "emotional problems" are caused by adrenal fatigue (craving salt or sugar, feeling extremely depleted and anxious after physical exertion, and sensitivity to extreme heat or cold are symptoms) may know that this is not a problem to be addressed by a mental-health professional. It's a problem to be addressed by a physician. (This, of course, goes back to some people's reluctance to see a physician.)

This individual may know he needs to see a physician for what he believes is an adrenal gland (or other physiological problem), but, as he most often does, he may imagine having a series of tests (maybe even having to spend a day or two in the hospital) to confirm such a diagnosis.

He imagines how, once the diagnosis is confirmed (or some other diagnosis is determined) he will most likely be told to eat that proper diet, get plenty of rest, and, perhaps, take a dietary supplement. (If he goes to wrong professional, mental-health or medical, he may even be told that he should exercise in order to feel better. He knows that exercise makes him feel more disturbingly anxious than he already does.)

So, after imagining the likely end results of his trip to someone's office for help, the person who believes his problem stems from something like adrenal fatigue is likely to decide to go to the local pharmacy, look for a dietary supplement said to be designed for someone living under stress, and start taking that in his attempts to do something to help himself.

An individual in a situation like this may consider all the things mentioned above, go over and over it his head, and come to the realization that unless/until his life changes; it is hopeless. He knows he cannot change his life right now, and he knows that viewing things as "hopeless" is, in fact, one sign of depression. He wonders it it's time to find a mental-health professional to help him with what now clearly seems to be depression, but the whole cycle of thinking of what kind of help will be offered and knowing none of it will do any good starts again.

He asks himself if he should just risk the side-effects and try to get anti-depressants which ("who knows") may possibly help at this point. He tells a few people he knows who tried anti-depressants when they were in bad living situations, and they again tell him, "They didn't do any good, and they made me sick." He may recall the news report of a few years ago, reporting that many doctors are now addressing the issue of prescribing anti-depressants for what is "just genuine unhappiness for good reason".

At this point, he may be close (really, really, close) to picking up that phone on any particular day, week, or even month. Somehow, though, it can just seem as if he always goes back to really know that it doesn't make much sense to treat some things with anti-depressants; and he may just have a hard time being willing to take some risks of side-effects with the one body he has enough self-esteem to value as he does.


Regardless of whether someone's problem is actually depression, stress, anxiety, adrenal fatigue, or just plain, old, exhaustion and/or unhappiness; it's just kind of natural for some people (again, often but not always, men) to know that they've always managed to get through things before without help. In fact, they've often discovered that for all the talk about help in this world, the reality is that there is far less than this world would have a lot of us believe.

CLOSING THOUGHTS ON THE PREMISE, THE MYTH, THE TRUTH-BASED OBSERVATIONS, AND THE EXCEPTIONS


For all the increased knowledge and understanding this world, repleat with experts and people who study what those experts have said; and for all the amazing medical and technological advancements; there is still much this world doesn't understand about the differences and similarities between girls and boys/men and women.

Man or woman, each of us started our lives on this Earth as either a little boy or a little girl in a world of grown-ups that seemed to have their own misguided ideas about what little boys or little girls were, should be, would become, or would never be. A lot of us learned young that (while caring about us and having only the most well meaning of intentions) the adults in this world (parents, teachers, doctors, or other experts) just didn't quite seem to "get it" when it came to what we, as a little girl or little boy, wanted or needed or how we thought.

A lot of us fell under the impression that there world is just a little too full of grown-ups, professionals, and experts who don't quite know what everyone (including they) believes they know. We learned that when it came to our own happiness and well-being we may be the only ones who truly understood what we needed or how to help.

The guy in the example above, who works so hard at a horrible job to support the family he so loves, needs money. He's working hard to make that money, and he knews that's the solution to his stress and unhappiness. The second guy mentioned above needs changes in the court system, or at least a lawyer. It's that simple, and people like this often don't want to "treat a broken leg with heart medication".

It's not easy to be someone who needs help and can't find any. Neither is easy to live with someone who needs help and seems unwilling to seek any. One other point worth mentioning is that sometimes, nobody how much someone loves or cares about the person/people with whom he's living, it may be the people closest to him who are actually contributing to his unhappiness and stress. Sometimes someone who isn't happy will try to tell those closest to him what would help or ways they might help. People don't always listen, though, because they may not take his requests for their help very seriously. In fact, if this individual has miserable enough long enough, they may have come to lose respect for "inability to shape up" or "unwillingness to seek help".

If this person loves those closest to him, he may not want to "take things up a notch" and "hit below the belt" by being so blunt and honest his "polite requests for help" become harmful, cruel, words that clearly place blame for his unhappiness on those he loves most. As a result, some people keep a lot of things to themselves.

This may be when it occurs to someone that talking to a professional may at least be a way of airing grievances and being heard; but as he thinks about setting up an appointment, this individual may wonder if he tells a professional some of the ways in which his loved ones are contributing to his problems, whether that professional will ask to talk to those loved ones, as well. Yes, he knows there's such a think as doctor/patient confidentiality; but he also knows that one way mental-health professionals do things is to ask to talk with family members.

This individual may even trust that a professional would handle things sensitively and in a way that would be least likely to be hurtful; but he may so treasure his loved one(s) and relationship with him/them that he just can't feel safe taking any chances. Maybe he's even someone who has seen how some professionals can seem to run roughshod over families and relationships. Maybe, too, he knows how some professionals (and a lot of other people) may suggest steps that, while seemingly sensible, he knows may eventually lead to true disaster in his or a loved one's life.

The following videos are dedicated to sons (especially of the grown-up variety) who, when things go right, so often grow up believe they must always be super-heroes for the people in their lives - just a reminder of your own worth and of how treasured you are to someone (or many people).