When Divorce is Caused by a Spouse Who Cheated - Do You Tell the Children?.

While this is only the opinion of one individual (who is not a professional in the field of family therapy), I suspect many other people share the same one.

While divorce, itself, makes it clear to children that something has gone terribly wrong between their two parents, some dirty laundry should not be aired to children, particularly young children.

Parents do need to talk to children about the divorce, of course. It is possible, though, to discuss the divorce without sharing information that should remain between the two divorcing partners.

Children have often already witnessed some of the ways a troubled marriage has changed the atmosphere at home. Some can even be relieved to learn that the strained situation will end. At the same time, of course, children who are equally attached to both parents will be primarily concerned with the fact that one parent will not be in the home.

This issue may be the most important one to address when discussing the divorce with children. They need reassurance that after an initial, difficult, adjustment period their parents and they can build a new situation that will feel better to all involved.

I believe that emphasizing to children that the family is "separated but not broken" may be a way to help children see that changes can be made without completely shattering the lives of all involved. I don't underestimate the trauma of divorce for anyone involved, but it really can help for parents to define, for themselves and the children, exactly how damaging the divorce should be seen as being. Emphasizing, "separated but not broken" acknowledges the reality of the change without adding drama and yet more sadness to it.

In general, I believe most divorces should be explained to children in a generic way: "There are times when people discover they have become so different from one another, getting along can be impossible. We have tried so hard, and we both love you, but when things get so difficult it isn't possible to have a peaceful home atmosphere, then it's a healthier thing if people separate."

I don't believe children need to know that one parent cheated; and I think once the decision to divorce has been made, there should be no need for the couple to continue fighting or otherwise demonstrating hard feelings in front of the children. The divorce is the consequence of the affair, and the children are already suffering that consequence. It would seem to me that adding to their sadness, disappointment, anger, or alienation (possibly from both parents) is cruel and asking to make the divorce process more devastating than it needs to be.

If the children have seen or heard anything that caused them to suspect their parent had an affair, and if they ask, it is possible to answer any questions by saying something like, "When people have serious problems in their marriage sometimes they have a friend they can talk to." If they continue to press with questions, replying with a simple, "I don't know what Daddy does now, since we decided to get a divorce. That's his business," can usually end any questions.

It may help if the non-cheating spouse keeps in mind that cheating is often the symptom of a troubled relationship, rather than the cause of it. Focusing on the fact that the relationship was not what it should have been, and "skipping over" the nasty reality of infidelity (at least when it comes to the children) can deal realistically with the divorce without focusing on (and sharing) the thing that could be most troubling to the children.

Most parents wouldn't think of sharing with their children the details of the sex life they've shared with the other parent. Why on Earth would any parent consider sharing similar kinds of information about the other parent and the person with whom he's had an affair.

It is not easy to overlook something like infidelity, but I believe parents should place the best interest of the children first, and make the choice not to let the infideility take more from the children than it already has.

Children may sometimes have some idea of what has gone on, and the way I would choose to handle that would be to, as I mentioned above, limit how much I said at the time of the divorce, and for some time afterwards. During that time, however, I would find ways to discuss, in general terms (and without a hint of referring to infidelity or the divorce), how people are human and sometimes make mistakes.

At some other time, it could be useful to mention casually that divorces happen because people think they know one another really well, but sometimes stress and worries can make people have trouble staying close in a marriage; and it gets really difficult for people to even think clearly.

Sending the messages that divorce is a difficult thing for all involved, that people can run into difficulties that can make them have trouble thinking clearly, and that all humans make mistakes of one kind or another; is a way to lay a foundation for any future talk about the divorce. Those message are not lies. They're true. Children can understand them, and if later - when they're grown - one of them asks that someone confirm that their parent cheated, they will at least have grown older having been told the truth (just not the whole truth).

I, personally, would consider never telling even a grown child if possible, but, depending on the circumstances and the people involved, some grown kids would be reasonably ok with the information. Once they had grown, time would have passed, and they may only, at that time, be dealing with the information (rather than dealing with all the changes in their life, their grief over being separated from a parent, etc.)

For most of us (adults), when someone we love and admire does something very wrong, we can have difficulty believing it. If someone tries to tell us that person we love has done something wrong we will either not believe it and resent that person's saying such a thing, or we will believe it and have to deal with being shocked and disappointed. Women who are victims of domestic abuse can actually have trouble, themselves, believing that their husband has been so cruel (rather than "just stressed" or "just misguided"). If grown women who have seen (and felt) for themselves, someone's abusive behavior; imagine how a child who idolizes his parent could have trouble believing that his parent has done something, so hard for him to understand, to break up the family. Ask, too, whether a child would wonder why his other parent was not willing to forgive.

The world is full of people who believe adults should tell children every last, little, ugly, truth about any number of realities in the grown-up world. I'm not one of them.

I believe our children's childhood is a time of teaching them about the world and realities in a more general way (not a personal way, if at all possible). Letting them have some innocence, some sense of admiration for as many adults as possible, a sense of solid and unbroken love between them and their parents, and any number of other positive things of childhood, can give them the foundation they need to grow up secure, sensible, and more understanding. We can't shield them from all the negative things in the world, and we can't keep some of those things from touching them while they're still children; but we can choose to at least shield them from some things when we have that choice.

Most of the time, the strongest, most understanding, and emotionally solid people are those who have had childhoods that were just that - childhoods. In just the same way that jumping in kitchen when a cake is not finished will result in a ruined cake, putting too much ugliness onto a child who isn't finished growing up can be very damaging.

A divorce, itself, is quite a thing to which children must adjust. No matter how hard parents try to keep it from being more difficult than it needs to be, a divorce is ugly. There is nothing to be gained and much to be lost by telling children about a parent's infidelity, and I, personally, would not introduce that kind of ugliness to an already ugly life event.