When Girls Turn into Women

Discussing "how to deal with a young girl becoming a woman" requires first establishing when, exactly, a young girl becomes a woman.

Nobody is finished growing up (in the case of girls, "becoming a woman") until they have completed growth. Bones are not fully grown until about 25 years of age, and the brain is not fully matured until early- to mid-twenties. Based on this scientific fact, parents have a full 25 years to adjust to the idea that their girl will not be a girl forever. Of course, the process of reaching maturity is a slow one. Daughters don't jump from being 11 to being 18 overnight, and even once they're 18 parents still have six years to get used to yet more, but still gradual, maturing. In other words, if "becoming a woman" means maturing completely, it’s such a slow process it isn't difficult to deal with at all.

Growing up, however, is something that is also demonstrated in small ways in even very young children. For example, the five-year-old girl who makes sure her shy classmate has a friend is pretty grown up. The ten-year-old girl who deals with the death of a grandparent or even beloved pet is experiencing a touch of being grown up. The sixth-grade girl who stands up for her rights, the eight-grade girl who decides not to lie about the fact that she didn't do her homework, or the tenth-grade girl who decides not to go to a party where there will be drinking - all of these girls are, in their own, being women, if only for a brief moment in their youth.

Do girls become women when they must deal with their parents' divorce, or when they stop believing in Santa Clause? Is it when they don't want to be Fairy Princesses for Halloween any longer? How about when Barbie starts to seem forgotten? Do they become women when a friend dies, a parent cries, or they get their driver's license or first job? Do they turn into women on their 16th birthday, 18th birthday, 21st birthday, or 30th birthday? Are there no 40-year-old women who remain every bit as much the same girl that they were at 19?

Some people regard the first period or the gradual changing of physique to be "becoming a woman", but we all know that girls menstruate and have physical changes without changing who they are as people. Not all women menstruate. Not all women have much of a need for a bra. No, menstruation and a changing chest area cannot, then, be the determining factor in who is a woman and who isn't. Those things are external things in their own way, even though they are the result of internal changes. The point is that even those internal changes have little to do with a girl's mind, soul, or heart. When parents look at their daughter, no matter how young she is, and see the inner person they will continue to see the person that their daughter is for the rest of time.

When parents value their daughter for the person she is, and when they emphasize the person she is in their own minds and in messages they send their daughter, whether or not that daughter has begun menstruating isn't much of a big deal. Neither is needing a larger shirt size.

Well then, do girls "become women" when they become sexually active? Not necessarily. The world is full of girls who are sexually active and yet clearly remain girls.

Throughout the years a girl grows up she grows up a little a time, and she (like her brothers) begins to grow up long before many parents would imagine. On the inside, the things she learns, experiences, dreams, and cries over are like little building blocks. Over the years between babyhood and maturity she builds her identity and maturity with those blocks. As she builds she will, of course, pass through the time of a first menstruation and some other changes. Later, Nature will put on the finishing touches by completing the growth process of her bones and pre-frontal cortex.

Somewhere between around 21 and 25 she will be done with the finishing touches of becoming a woman, even though any towers, walls, or buildings she built from those blocks have, most likely, been complete for quite some time.

Last week my daughter turned 23. She is obviously a young woman. Still, she is every bit the mature, intelligent, strong, caring, individual she has been since she was a tiny, little, girl. I am proud of "my girl", who bases her identity on the person she is, rather than on outward appearance or ability to conceive a child if she wanted to. I don't ever remember paying much attention to whether or not she was becoming a woman. I just know I woke up one day (last week, actually) and thought, "23, which is a year older than college graduation age, is, I guess, a woman."

The thing is, by the time you have that day, when you wake up and realize your daughter has been a young woman for quite a while now, its old news. There's nothing much to deal with at all.

Tiny girl of mine,

How do I teach you to be strong?

How do I help you love the world

and like the person that you are?

Precious little daughter,

You are just like me and still

you're very different in some ways.

I hear my words come back to me sometimes

in a littler voice.

I sometimes see myself through your eyes,

and hope I'll always see the real you

through mine.

It makes me smile to hear you

say we have "twin brains"

because, for now, I think we do;

but even when you realize

we see the world through different eyes

and think with different minds

we'll always be, my precious girl,

forever me and you.

A young woman I don't even know, was apparently feeling particularly lost (and maybe even a little intoxicated) one evening. She asked how she could be a fairy, not be ignored, and not blend in with the crowd. She talked about wanting to be pretty and nice - not ordinary.

I had no idea, really, about how to answer her question. Somehow, though, I thought someone needed to try. My reply to this young stranger follows.

First, you can feel like a fairy if just once in a while you leave a little surprise gift (could be as little as a tiny package of gummy bears) for someone in, say, their mailbox. It doesn't matter if they know who left it or not, although if its candy you may want to add a little card so they know there's nothing weird about it. Make some tiny little bunches of, say, dried flowers with ribbons, and just leave them for people whose day you'd like to brighten.

When it comes to clothing the only way you'll stand out is to do what looks nicest on you, what makes you feel the way you like to feel, and what is flattering then you stand the chance of looking as if you're unique and confident enough to do your own style thing.

Find a really pretty scent to wear and always wear the same one. Keep your personal environment (a room, for example) neat and organized. Fairies aren't messy. Also, try to keep a small thing of fresh flowers around. If you like scented candles find a scent and buy them whenever you see them. Keep them around.

Develop some interests. What you may not realize is that fairies have interests. It doesn't have to be anything fancy or exotic or brilliant. Just find a few things you like to do (make jewelry, do photography, paint, learn about plants, whatever) and make sure you work on a couple of interests at least a couple of times a week.

Read on a regular basis. It doesn't have to be a classic or anything "impressive". Just find things to read - books that you think you'll enjoy, magazine articles, etc.

Don't use drugs. Fairies don't use drugs, and people who use drugs are about the most ignorable people on Earth.

Decide to stop doing anything you do that isn't nice. If you talk about people in a bad way behind their back stop. If you use vulgar language, don't. Fairies are nice and don't use vulgar language.

Make it a point to try to do something nice for someone whenever you see the opportunity. The Queen of Fairies would agree that that's one of the important things. Stay away from violent movies or television. Fairies don't watch those.

Fairies like love stories, and they like to laugh. They also like to think. Think of all the nice or good things that you are on the inside and remember them. Think of things that maybe aren't all that nice, kind or good for you and begin to stop doing those.

Find places to go that feel like they're a little adventure. Something as simple as a picnic at a park or a walk to see if you can see any different looking birds can be slightly adventure-feeling. Looking for pretty glass along the ocean or shells or rocks does the same thing. If you really like real adventure then look into how to get involved with something like rock climbing, scuba diving, etc.

Fairies don't drink things like iced coffee, soda with sugar in it, or beer. They drink spring water, tea of any kind, chai, maybe a nice little wine, and most fruit juices. Fairies don't eat big, messy, gross foods. They eat food that won't embarrass them because it’s so messy its inelegant. Fairies like the occasional piece of candy, but they aren't big on all kinds of sweets all the time.

Fairies listen to beautiful music. It may be classical music. It may be music with pretty melodies. It may be music that is happy and makes a person feel cheerful and uplifted. It may be "big, instrumental, powerful" music. Rock music isn't what fairies like.

If you are true to yourself, decide to be what you want to be, don't follow the crowd, and try not to do things that aren't positive and healthy you can feel pretty good about yourself. If you build the "you" you are on the inside and dress in a way that is "you" on the outside it may help you feel more the way you'd like to feel.

People who stand out from the crowd (in a good way) don't try to stand out. They are so unique, strong, confident and independent-thinking they just stand out without trying. People who aren't ignored are people who have something worth listening to, to say, or an appearance that is so interesting others can't help but notice them.

If you go about your business of trying to build yourself, your life, and your future into what you want it to be; and if you are kind and thoughtful to others; you may find that doing those things will result in making you un-ignorable and someone who stands out and doesn't have a boring life.

I have it on good authority that real fairies (the kind with wings and magic dust to shake around) would love so much to be humans. Real fairies don't really do too much that's all that interesting. Real young women, however, can do pretty much anything they set their mind to doing and become whatever they want to become. Finally, keep a lid on the fairy talk when you're out with friends. It’s a big way to get yourself ignored. P.S: Even the happiest fairies have times when they shed tears of sadness. It isn't whether someone is happy all the time but how gracious and strong and hopeful they can stay through the times when there are tears. Fairies are gracious and strong and always, always, hopeful about tomorrow.