When A Three-Year-Old Bites Other Children

INTRODUCTION: This Hub was written in response to a mother who raised the matter of her three-year-old son biting at daycare/preschool. "Kris1119" posted (on my Hub about stopping children from biting) the dilemma she's facing with her three-year-old, but this mother is far from alone with the matter of having a child in preschool or daycare biting his classmates.

Since the Hub I wrote on children biting was primarily aimed at the very common problem of two-year-olds biting, I thought I'd try to address Kris1119's post as best I can. I'll say right up front that this Hub is all about guessing and pondering, rather than being a matter of giving clear-cut answers. I thought, however, that it may offer some thoughts for any parents who have a three-old who bites to consider.

While I'm directing this Hub at Kris1119 and her situation with her little guy, the situation she describes is pretty similar to that described by a lot of other parents who have little folks who bite in daycare or preschool. Some parents have little folks who have already been "expelled" from daycare or preschool. Others are worried that they'll need to take their child out of a program.

The post that inspired this Hub is included here. I have no idea if any of the thoughts offered here will be of any help to anyone, but I thought the problem is common enough that it was worth giving it a try.

For Kris1119:

I can only take some stab-in-dark guesses here, so I'm going to try to "think aloud" (or whatever "thinking online" would be called)... Guesses will be "wild guesses", of course (and unfortunately), but it's the best I can come up with..

Since he's three-and -a -half and not biting anywhere but daycare, I'm guessing it's safe to assume that he isn't biting out of the kind of frustration and lack of self-control younger children do. What you're describing sounds like a very different scenario than the one involved with younger kids. Three-and-half is young enough that he could be a little behind in the particular type of maturity needed to have outgrown biting (so it's always important to consider "late blooming", combined with not-so-apparent frustration, a possibility).

Of course, since you said he's easily frustrated and angered, that adds something extra to the mix; but it seems to me as if what you described with the "arm-through-the-fence thing" wouldn't come from a "heat-of-the-moment/immediate "rush of frustration" (unless he was absolutely bored and frustrated with feeling bored).

(More on frustration later).

Guessing About Possible Motives

If I try to imagine what his motivation in that particular incident was, I think of the following "lines of thinking" (even though, by using "quotes", I'm not saying he actually had this line of thinking "in words" in his head, but instead was feeling it. It's just that using "quotes" is an easy way to describe what could possibly have been going on.)

Chances are it was one of the following "lines of thinking"/"moods":

"Oh, that arm sticking out there looks pretty appealing. I have the urge to bite it."

"I think it would be funny just to bite that arm."

"I'm in the mood to hurt someone."

"I feel like hurting that particular kid right there."

"There's nothing else to do and I'm bored - so I think I'll get some action going."

"I'm in a grouchy mood, don't know why, can't think of anything to do about it - and since there's the time and nothing else to do, I think I'll get some action going."

"I'm in a grouchy mood because I don't like what's going on right now, can't think of anything to do about it - and since there's the time and nothing else to do, I think I'll get some action going."

Again, he's probably not using these words in his head (although he could be thinking along similar lines). It's also possible, though, that he doesn't "have the words in his head" that would describe whatever feelings he's having in a situation like this. I can recall times in my own childhood when I'd do one thing or another, have my parents ask why, and not "have the words" to explain "why" simply because I didn't really know "why". It took growing up, thinking back about what was going on, and understanding it better to be able to recognize why I did one thing or another. Young children can have a vocabulary that would make it seem as if they should be capable of explaining why they do some things, but they don't have the ability to fully understand "the bigger picture" . In other words, they have the vocabulary but can only do "so much" when it comes to knowing how to use it. Also, if they can't really step back, consider each incident, and figure out the causes of it; they can't even "tie it" to their vocabulary.

So, either your son had some version of one of the lines of thinking above in head "consciously", or else he felt like biting and didn't understand why.

One thing you may want to try is to give him examples like the ones above ("give him the words" he may not have), and ask him which one applies. He may actually recognize the one that applies if he hears it. Then again, of course, he may not. It's worth a try.

Taking away privileges isn't always effective with very young children because many times they don't particularly care about one "privilege" or another. My son was in elementary school when I'd take away "TV privileges" and he'd just be even happier to find his Lego's and have a great time playing with them. I think the "privileges thing" works best with kids much older. This is just my personal opinion/approach, but I found that not buying anything when we were out shopping "hit home" more than something like taking away the television.

Might It Be Something That Goes On (or Doesn't Go On) at Daycare/Preschool?

Since he's not apparently biting anywhere but daycare/preschool, it would seem to indicate either that he doesn't have some "issue" in general, or else that whatever situation "gets his motive(s) going" isn't happening anywhere but daycare/preschool. Something to ask is whether he has too much time on his own there, or whether there's something that went on/goes on in any particular day that may "frazzle" him. For example, was the day the example-incident took place a day when he had been told not to do one thing or another? Was it a day when he hadn't slept enough the night before? Might he have been miserable because he hadn't eaten enough? (For example, if he's home and can get a snack when he needs one, he may not get "set off" as easily as if he's in preschool, where he may need a little more of a snack than he's getting at any particular time of day.) In other words, is there some difference at daycare/preschool that make him have a "lower bar" when it comes to getting the urge to bite?

Something else that occurs to me, since he doesn't apparently bite anywhere else (and assuming there's nothing about his day that makes him just a little more miserable than he'd be somewhere else), is that (as you said) he appears to understand that biting isn't what people should do. This would lead to the question of whether the issue is a matter of his knowing what he shouldn't do, knowing he'll get some privilege taken away, but not being able to control himself at least in some isolated situations. If he can't control himself it won't matter if he's been told right from wrong or had consequences. A year from now he may have a "better grip" on himself and situations, but he's so young I'm not sure he can even be expected to.

Is He Exposed to Aggressive Behavior (Even If It Wouldn't Seem "Aggressive" to Someone Older)?

There are people who say they stopped their child by "smacking" him, but hitting isn't going to happen in daycare (even if you are someone who isn't opposed to hitting young children). Hitting him later won't mean anything that makes any sense to him. So, hitting is out in this situation. I never hit my kids, and then they were non-aggressive little kids (with a reputation for being well behaved); so I stand by my belief (and the belief so many people share) that hitting children can teach them to be aggressive, rather than not to be aggressive.

This leads to the matter of whether he's around anyone else who acts with aggression toward him. An older child who treats him with aggression (even if it isn't biting) may "teach" him to be aggressive (even if, in his three-year-old way, biting is the "best" form of aggression he has right now). If he spends a lot of time with an older child (or older children) he may be "learning" to be rough/aggressive by being with them. They may not intend to be aggressive, but, for example, if a seven-year-old child is rough and he's feeling the brunt of rough/insensitive play (which is normal for older children), it can feel to a very young child as if he's being knocked around (even if nobody intends it to feel that way). On top of that, the young child can learn "that's how to play". In the meantime, a child who is always playing with rougher older kids can also always be feeling like he's getting knocked around (to the point where he can end up feeling frazzled without knowing why).

One thing to try with this is to try to help him have more experience playing in ways that aren't rough or "highly active". Children need to be active and run around, of course, but they also need to experience how nice it feels to play something more structured (like playing catch, as compared to running around wildly); or like playing with building blocks or toys like dollhouses or play-sets that let them recreate real-life situations. Sit-down play also offers a pleasant, non-frazzling, kind of play that gives young children a break from more demanding/challenging play situations. I'm not suggesting you don't already know this, or that your child never experiences sit-down play. As I said, I'm just taking wild guesses about all possible causes of his feeling the desire to bite.

If, by any chance, your son is playing with older kids who generally "play rough beyond what's more appropriate for a three-year-old", the "think-it's-funny" line of thinking could be a factor. If he plays with an older kid who does things he (the older kid) thinks are funny, even if the older child isn't biting that child may have his own "collection" of "aggressive acts" (like taking another child's hat off, throwing a toy where the younger child can't reach it, teasing because he thinks it's funny, etc.). A three-year-old doesn't have the same "skill" at such "fooling around" and teasing, so he could be using the only thing he knows that may get the best of another child and give him the opportunity to be the one who has the upper hand.

Since the biting incident in question was unprovoked and not associated with one particularly irritating other child, I'm guessing there's a chance his motivation may have come from a need to be aggressive and either "get something going" or else hurt the other child.

Being Frustrated or "Living" Frustrated (Not All Frustration is Equal)

Returning to the matter of you child's being frustrated easily, one question is whether his days are frequently presenting a lot of frustration (as would be the case if he's spending a lot of time playing with older children). ABC's 20/20 once featured an experiment with children as the subjects, and it was shown that children who spend a lot of time being frustrated can eventually reach a "frustration tolerance point", which makes controlling their urges more challenging for them. The experiment involved having children sit at a table with a plate of cookies on the table. An adult told the children they could have a cookie when he returned. He would then leave the room, and the length of time children were able to resist the temptation to take a cookie was measured. The experiment showed (as mentioned above) that the more the children were left feeling frustrated, the less able to control the urge to take a cookie.

If you think about it, you can probably think of times in your own life when a stretch of days has been particularly frustrating; and as a result, you may have had a more difficult time controlling your own urge to display temper (or maybe "be mean") because of it. So, it may be worth asking whether a child who seems easily frustrated and who bites may have sources of frustration in his life that may not be obvious. The best example I can use of how hidden feeling frustrated at life can be is myself: Even as an adult who generally (usually) has a pleasant nature, I know how a lot of the "little things in life" can add up to lots of frustrations; but people close to me would have no idea of how "fed up" with some of the little things in life even the most good-natured among us can become sometimes.

For a three-year-old sources of frustration could be (again) spending a lot of time playing with older children, for example. A lot of other sources of frustration can exist for young children too. So, one thing to ask might be whether your child may be spending a lot of time being frustrated but not showing the signs of it. Figuring that out could be tricky, unfortunately, be one child could be frustrated over something like never getting to eat what he wants to eat (or always having to eat what he doesn't want to), while another child could have a sense frustration because he isn't getting a certain kind of attention from one person or another. Children can also feel frustrated when adults underestimate their abilities and treat them as if they're babies. On the other hand, children can also feel frustrated if they're frequently expected to be able to do things they're not ready or able to do. As I said, figuring out this kind of thing can be pretty tricky.

What can make it even more tricky is that matter of children not always even knowing, themselves, what is leaving them not feeling "entirely happy". They may seem (and even be) happy enough. They just may not be quite as happy as they really should be.

Since he doesn't apparently show signs of "issues" in other settings, I'd think you don't have much reason to suspect he could have some disorder that would make self-control or (for lack of a better term when discussing such a little child) "socially acceptable" behavior. In the interest of raising as many issues as possible here, it is worth noting (for anyone who may read this) that some disorders can make things like self-control more challenging for some children.

The only reason I've spent so much time on the issue of his being easily frustrated is that I can't help but wonder if there's the chance he's got something frustrating him at home and/or at daycare/preschool, and if that could be what's making him "feel mean" and have the urge to hurt someone. It's just a thought. As I said, it's important to keep stressing that I'm only guessing (and certainly not presuming any of these guesses is correct).

Based only on our experiences with feeling frustration in day-to-day life, most of us have discovered that frustration can be in the form of "immediate" or "acute" frustration (like the flair-up of frustration that can happen in stop-and-go-traffic when we're in a hurry); or it can be more of a "chronic" frustration (like having to go to a job we don't like each day but not being able to quit). Of course, it might seem as if I'm implying that he may not be happy at daycare; but first, I'm not necessarily implying that at all; although second, I can see how there could be one thing or another that goes on at daycare/preschool that he isn't happy with. Also, he could be completely pleased with everything that goes on there, but he could have times during the day when he really could use one kind of attention of another that they can't/don't give him there.

With regard to that last guess, what I'm imagining is that he could be getting some kind of "distant-vibes" from a teacher or another child as a result of his history biting; and that could leave him feeling/sensing that others aren't "giving off warmth vibes" toward him. Children who have seen one child bite other children learn to keep a distance, or at least to be more cautious when around the child they've seen bite. A little three-year-old can sense that kind of thing, but a little guy that young is also very sensitive to the feelings he's getting from other people (including other children).

More On Whether It Could Be Related To People He Plays With

On the one hand, if he's a little guy who spends most of his "off-hours" time playing only with adults, one possibility might be that he hasn't really learned yet how to interact appropriately with little peers. This are uneven when a young child plays only with adults, and sometimes children who are, for example, only-children can be awkward when it comes to knowing how to interact with other young children (particularly since not being all that "socially skilled" at three years old is pretty much how it is for a lot of three-year-olds anyway).

By the same token, but on the other hand, a child who spends a lot of time playing only with older children can sometimes learn only how to play (as the younger of the duo or couple), so he may not really be very used to interacting with children who are nearer his age (and who may not seem as "clever" at "entertaining" him, or leading in play, as older children are. One thing one might wonder is even whether he's getting frustrated when his close-in-age peers aren't as "entertaining" or don't keep him as busy during play. Maybe he just gets aggravated when they don't "come through" with as much fun as older children do.

If you think about it, a child who spends most of his time playing with older children is learning only how to play as the younger in the group. He isn't getting experience being the leader in play (and he's so young he's only going to play so much of a leader's role in play anyway). At the same time, when he finds himself with close-in-age peers he's dealing with playmates he may not quite know how to deal with or play with. This goes back to the question of whether being aggressive toward his little classmates may be his idea of trying to engage them.

Very young children engage mainly in parallel play anyway. There are three-year-olds who do interact and play with a playmate, but I think children who do this regularly are often children who have had a lot of practice/experience with how "genuine interacting" in done in play.

Has Biting Gotten Him Attention He Either Likes or Needs?

Children will often do things that will get them attention they want, and they don't always care if it's negative attention or positive attention. This goes back to the idea that he may want to "get something going". If he just feels the need to get something going, that would be a matter of his needing attention (even if he isn't aware that he needs it), and it could be a matter of being expected to find things to do on own more than he's able to right now (at his present level of development).

If he likes the attention he gets it could have something to do with having adults talk to him and "make a big deal" over him. Is this some kind of conversation/talk his biting brings about that doesn't happen if he doesn't bite? For example, does a teacher take him off to the side and "have a face-to-face talk"?

Three-year-olds, maybe more than children of any other age, very much thrive on having one-on-one attention to special adults in their life. It's as if the first three years of life are spent learning to be a person, and as if turning four means they start thriving on outside activities and people outside the home. Three-year-olds seem to specialize in building one-on-one relationships with special adults in their life. So, there's at least the chance that he needs a little more one-on-one attention and may not know that's what he needs. I'm not saying he sits there and thinks, "I want attention. I think I'll bite someone." If this were the cause of his biting it wouldn't be that easy for him to know what his problem is.

While it can pretty much seem that two-year-olds are only interested in what they want and need, three-year-olds usually seem eager to learn what "we" (whether that's as in "all of us people" or as in "we, in our family" or "we, in this preschool") do, as nice people. While two-year-olds aren't too interested in what anyone else thinks, three-year-olds can seem particularly open hearing about how "we" (especially those special adults who spend one-on-one time with them) think. It's a good time to build a sense of "being on the same team" by emphasizing and kind of taking for granted that the child ("of course") shares our ideas about being nice versus not being nice.

Three-year-olds love the idea of feeling as if you (the parent) and they are a "team of us”, with you as the leader of that team. Being “equal” to them doesn’t work well because they don’t have sufficient respect for you as a parent. Acting like an “alien” (because you’re “The Parent”) doesn’t work well because they can’t relate as well, and they don’t feel you relate to them either. So, with their interest in having someone “show them the ropes” by being a “team leader”, three-year-olds can actually be eager to behave well (mostly because they so love being the “junior member” of that particularly “special team of us”, they want to please you and let you know you’re right in “being so sure” they “want to be a nice person”).

(My daughter was four when she said, “We have twin brains.” I was, of course, delighted to have my child feel as if we had “twin brains”, but what she didn’t know was that I’d spent the whole first three years of her life trying to create the feeling that we were a “team” (with me as the le to share the thinking from my one brain with the thinking she would eventually do with her own brain.)

Two-year-olds are "big" for wanting to be independent. Three-year-olds are "big" for wanting to "hang out" with just one special adult. For four-year-olds, playmates and outside activities can be the "big thing".

Aside from the fact that three-year-olds turn four and can outgrow any "issues" they have being three, I think if it were my little guy I'd ask myself if what may be happening at preschool is that the kind, understanding, teachers essentially "make a big deal about" his biting (but in a pleasant, understanding, way) that amounts to his getting some fairly positive-seeming attention by biting.

Here's just more guessing, but what I'd try if it were my three-year-old might be to make sure most of my interactions/discussions/play with him didn't include much focus on the matter of biting. Instead, I'd try to have all those positive interactions and conversations with him with the focus on anything BUT biting. Then, though, I would calmly and briefly emphasize (a few times a day, but in a subtle way that didn't seem like focusing on it too much) to him that if he bites other children their mommies and daddies will get become upset with the teachers at school. Since appealing to his wish not to hurt other children doesn't seem to have worked, I'd try appealing to his attachment to the teachers there. I'd go with something like, "You don't want to the other children's mommies and daddies unhappy with Miss Susie, do you? She's so nice to to you."

The reason I think there's the chance this might work with some children (if not yours, then maybe someone else's with the same "issue") is that this kind of approach might remove some of the "fun" of being reminded that biting hurts the other child. I think most three-year-olds who would bite are aware that it can get the other child crying. Chances are a child who bites may either essentially being "teasing" (in his awkward three-year-old way) or else actually trying to hurt someone else. (Little kids often know they shouldn't even dare try to hurt adults, and they may have learned it isn't wise to try to hurt older children too. So, if a child is in the mood to "be mean" to someone, the "someone" left is going to be in his own age range.)

Whether it's fun to "tease" (and get someone crying) or a matter of "being in the mood to be mean", part of the "reward" of that may be being reminded about how effective it is to bite. That's why I think it may be better to "dial back" the nature and amount of the attention he gets associated with biting, and direct his thinking toward something that isn't as much "fun" for him (like letting him know his teacher will have to deal with unhappy parents).

Maybe you've already tried this (and continue to do it), but something else worth keeping up doing is to act as if you're sure he's such a kind and "grown-up" boy he's "all through" with his "problem" of biting. Again, without focusing on it too much, during your play time together or conversations with him, say something like, "Oh - isn't it so nice now that you're all through with all that problem you used to have biting? I'll bet you're glad THAT'S over and you don't need to worry about THAT any more!" If he were to slip up and bite again, I'd say something like, "I'm sorry that problem came back on you again. We thought it was all gone. Well, sometimes old problems come back once before they really go away; but you don't have to feel too bad about it because the next time you won't let that problem come back and make you feel bad about yourself, will you." "Biting is what children two do. It's not what children three do. I guess you forgot you were three, didn't you?" Using a friendly, compassionate, tone can help "subtly convince" children that they think the way you're acting as if you believe they think.

Still, I wouldn't do too much of this kind of talk either - just enough to "plant the seed" that he'd done something unfortunate but would "win" over that "problem" he "used to have" from now on.

Wrap-Up

I know I haven't offered answers here, and the reason for that is, unfortunately, that I don't have any. Little folks do tend to outgrow a lot of things like this. Then again, it isn't good to just relax and wait for that to happen. They do need to learn what's acceptable and what isn't. Still, at three years old, they're still so little "conquering their problem" can be a real challenge for them. They're old enough to sometimes feel bad about something like this, but then again they're too young to really understand what makes them do it.

It's one thing to know, in the back of your mind, that he'll most likely grow out of this "issue" (and go on to some other one, as so many children do). Needless to say, though, not addressing an issue and just waiting for it to go away doesn’t always work. Children do need to learn right from wrong, and they need to learn how to (as I used to say to my own three children) “be a good friend” (they seemed to like the idea of “learning how to be a good friend” - I guess because even three-year-olds are old enough to find the word, “friend,” an appealing one; and to find imagining “being a good friend,” themselves, something they seem to like to do.

I know it would be better if I had offered answers here, rather than just questions and guesses. Sometimes, though, we parents discover that being a parent is mostly about coming up with questions, making guesses, and figuring out which questions and guesses seem as if they may apply.

Three is a great age for little folks, but it’s an age when the world and relationships are still pretty new. There can be quite a few “bugs” still to be worked out by three-old-people. I’m guessing your three-year-old child doesn’t really like the fact that he bites. He most likely doesn’t plan to bite another child, and there’s a good chance once he’s slipped up he doesn’t know why he did it, or why he didn’t/couldn’t stop himself.

It seems to me that a biting habit for a three-year-old is much like, for example, an over-eating or smoking habit for an adult. Nobody else can make the person stop. That person (as they say) “needs to want to stop”. Just as overweight people are told they need to reach a point where they believe that “nothing tastes as good as thin feels”, a little three-year-old preschooler needs to reach a point where what he gains from biting isn’t something he finds appealing, and what he loses by biting isn’t something he wants to lose.

I wish I could have given real answers here; but sometimes parenting is a science, and sometimes it’s an art. Most of the time it’s a little of both with a little (or a lot of) muddling-through thrown in. If this Hub looks like a matter of muddling-through, that’s because it’s what is has been.