Suggestions for Aiming for a Reasonably Peaceful Divorce

The unfortunate reality is that it takes only one difficult, unreasonable, individual to make the situation disastrous for all involved. One partner can remain very committed to handling things in a civil, fair, reasonable way that is least upsetting to the children. The second partner, however, has it in his/her power to either aim to be reasonable or to assure that all is as painful as possible.

Another unfortunate reality is that divorces often happen because one partner is unreasonable. That means the odds of there being two reasonable parties aren't great. Many divorces would never happen if the two people involved were reasonable. When both parties are reasonable it is easier to find ways to save the marriage.

Since I'm not sure there is really any useful advice in this situation, the following thoughts are offered as simply a "list of thoughts".

1. Be prepared for a rough ride, and be prepared for things to get far worse than you ever thought they would. Be open to the possibility that things you would never, in a million years, imagine could happen, could happen.

2. Put everything in writing for the attorney. If the ex-spouse starts a fight in front of the children, note it on paper with a date. If there is an argument between you and the ex-spouse write a few notes about it. If the ex-spouse is using verbally abusive words in front of the children put it on paper. You don't need to write a book, but keeping notes on even the smallest goings on could possibly give the attorney ideas that could help you win your case.

If there is something in particular you need to prove in court make a note of every last little thing that could possibly be viewed as evidence, or at least "back-up".

3. Don't be reduced to the other person's level. Even when parents don't "bad mouth" the other parent children are well aware of which parent is reasonable and loving and which one, if either, is being selfish and unreasonable. Let the other person be his/her unreasonable self (you have no choice anyway), and just be the better person. Unfortunately, being the better person doesn't always make you come out ahead; but you and your children will benefit in important ways.

4. If unreasonable arrangements are made by the court, or if the ex-spouse is making things difficult when it comes to visiting or the children's activities, don't blame the spouse to the children. Blame the courts and the lawyers. Explain to children that the courts and lawyers are the ones who have arranged something rotten and that their other parent simply does not have the power to dictate what is arranged. Let the children hate the lawyers and the courts. Also, I believe, it doesn't hurt to make sure children know that a selfish, unreasonable, parent does not have the power that the court system has.

5. Find ways to get the children's mind off the unpleasant situation. Don't "eat and sleep" divorce. Make the children laugh. Find ways, if possible, to let them have their normal, pleasant, experiences/activities as often as possible. Having a break from the sadness, and being reminded that some parts of their world remain the same, can help keep life from being unrelentingly ugly.

6. Find ways to have one or two general discussions about how people can be under so much stress they often behave in ways they otherwise would not. You don't have to to specifically mention the other parent (unless, of course, the child asks why the other parent is "being so mean"). Having a couple of general discussions about how stress can make people behave badly can help children see that the unreasonable parent's behavior may have some understandable reason behind it. I'm not advocating making excuses for a spouse batterer or child abuser. There are times, though, when an unreasonable ex-spouse is simply too immature to be able to act maturely.

An immature parent does amount to a "stressed out" parent. Making children aware (again, in a general way) that stress can make SOME people behave badly can offer them some explanation for why the parent they love is being so awful. That parent may, in fact, damage his/her own relationship with the children; but at least if children have it in mind that stress could be the root of the behavior, they may be more likely to forgive.

7. Don't do anything at all that could possibly be twisted into something really ugly. If you drink alcohol don't drink right now. If you'd like to date don't date right now. If you're prone to picking up the kids a little late set an alarm to make sure you don't. Don't speed in the car. Don't leave your pet out in bad weather. Pay attention to all the normal things you do (make a list if you want to). Become temporarily paranoid about the fact that someone may be keeping track of what you do or don't do. Speaking of "paranoid" - be prepared to have your mental health questionned, your character questionned, and your knowledge of child development questionned.

8. If you get the drift that a family member or friend is not entirely on your "side" stay away from that family member or friend. If the court appoints a GAL for the children that individual may contact family and friends and ask about you. Since it may not be charactertistic of you to stay away from the family member or friend, put in writing the reason you have chosen to stay away from him/her, and give that to your attorney.

9. Keep in mind that unreasonable ex-spouses are likely to close bank accounts, get responsiblity for paying "marital bills" but not pay those that you ran up, hide assets, get private mail boxes, and generally make any number of questionable financial moves. Keep in mind, too, the other individual may get a restraining order for one reason or another, call the police on your for one reason or another, attempt to prevent you from seeing your children, and/or lie about you.

10. Don't put your life and your children's lives in the hands of a half-baked attorney. If you get any sense at all that your attorney is half-baked or half-hearted when it comes to your case get another attorney immediately.