How to Feel Less Lonely -Thoughts About Loneliness

There is aloneness, and there is loneliness. Aloneness doesn't turn into loneliness unless we feel there is someone or something missing in our lives.

Loneliness can occur when we've lost someone or something in our lives. Most of us have experienced this (usually) temporary sense of loneliness.

Loneliness can also occur, however, when a person doesn't feel whole when he's alone.

Regardless of the cause of loneliness, feeling lonely can feel as if our minds are filled with "gray emptiness", desperately in need of something bright and colorful. Some people try to escape loneliness. Others, however, learn to see the positive aspects of aloneness (even when it is not of their own choosing) and appreciate them.

For the most part, no matter what we are, there is a good side and bad side to it. For example, there are positive aspects to be very wealthy, but there are also negative aspects of it. The same is true of being a man versus being a woman, being a parent versus not being one, etc. The same is true of being alone (or even just feeling alone, which is the case for a lot of lonely people). When my father died my mother was devastated. She moved on, of course, but was (in spite of having her children and friends) always lonely in her own way, as many widows/widowers are. She built a new life for herself, so her life as a widow offered a new sense of purpose. My mother, no stranger to loss in her life, would even joke about how, even though she would never have chosen to be a widow, it was "kind of good not to have to be thinking about getting home to make dinner" when she was out. This is just one example of how she found something positive about being alone and allowed herself to enjoy that much, even if the loneliness remained.

Loneliness is essentially sadness. When our minds are filled with that "gray emptiness" it isn't usually possible to make the "grayness" leave our heads. What we can do, however, is not allow that "gray emptiness" to stay empty. Minds are often compared to rooms. If you imagine a room filled with nothing but "gray air", and then imagine beginning to fill it up with stuff, eventually the stuff will fill the room and push the "gray air" back up against the walls. That "gray" will still be there, but it will be around the edges and in the background, rather than the foreground.

When we're lonely, if we make it a point to keep adding new, brighter, things to that "room" that is our mind, the "grayness" becomes more and more distant, as the brighter thoughts or feelings move in to take their place in "main part" of the "room". When people run away from that "room" through the use of something like alcohol or drugs they aren't doing anything to address the "grayness", so when they return from their temporary escape, the loneliness is still there. In fact, sometimes alcohol or drugs can weaken a person's control over his own thoughts and feelings and allow that "grayness" to grow even bigger. Even when that doesn't happen, each "return" to an ever increasing "grayness" can be more and more painful.

So where do we get the brighter thoughts and feelings? Anywhere. They're everywhere if we look for them. While it's true that someone like my mother could not ever have found any replacement for the husband she plain, old, wanted in her life; and while it's true that it's difficult for anyone who has a "big" loneliness to find sufficiently "big" joys to replace it; sometimes a lot of smaller and more ordinary joys in life can add up and take up quite a bit of that "gray" space. So, sometimes the first step in dealing with loneliness is to accept it, and realize that it is going to be with us for a while (if not forever). Doing this can be the first step in figuring out how to what extent we can reduce it, and to what extent we must learn to live with it. In other words, we shouldn't underestimate the value of the smaller joys in life. In fact, there can be times when a person who would otherwise have no reason to feel lonely at all may actually feel lonely because he does overlook those smaller joys in life.

What, then, are those smaller joys? They can be different things for different people, but some may be things that most people appreciate. In general, the "highest quality", small, joys in life are things that are nurturing to the spirit. It isn't usually enough to just find the things we've always enjoyed in life. For example, the person who enjoys violent rap lyrics needs to ask an almost childlike question, "Is this is happy thing? When we are feeling lonely we sometimes need to overcome our aversion to thinking in any way that could be seen as "Pollyanna-like", and be open to the idea that our present, gray, thinking isn't doing us any good. That's not suggesting that the person who enjoys listening to violent rap lyrics should stop doing what he enjoys. It's only to suggest that he adds some brighter thoughts, feelings, and experiences to his lonely existence.

Nature offers us much potential to enjoy beauty. Sunrises, sunsets, oceans, mountains, Summer mornings and evenings, crisp and silent Winter nights - things like this can bring those small joys into our lives. Finding ways to appreciate the beauty of wild animals, or the delightfulness of domestic pets can offer a little soul-nurturing. Our instinct to be social creatures can guide us to the smaller joys of something as simple as having coffee with a friend. When we don't know someone to share coffee or lunch with, we can still find some small enjoyment in taking ourselves out for coffee or tea, enjoying it at an outdoor table, and appreciating the fresh air.

While filling an emotional void by running up credit card is never a good thing, buying ourselves a little treat here or there can be yet another small joy. Making sure our home has a few uplifting, beautiful, or just cheerful items around can help. Finding comedy on television and laughing is another small joy for which we don't need anyone else. Listening to beautiful or powerful music can make us feel really good; and listening to music that will let us have a good cry can sometimes be therapeutic too (as long as we don't make too much of a habit of wallowing in our self-pity). One aspect of loneliness can be that it can feel more like emptiness, or numbness, than sadness. Finding things in life that help us be in touch with our feelings really can help.

Aiming to spend time with family or friends is always important. Sometimes it's more helpful to stay away from talking about the "big, serious" things; and, instead, aiming to keep the conversation on the lighter side. There will always be times when addressing the serious matters with the people we know must be done, but, again, adding some lighter time together can help provide balance - and sometimes even escape from a too sobering situation.

Doing something for other people usually results in our feeling less lonely, and even more whole. Besides just becoming aware of how fortunate we, ourselves, are (even if we're lonely); spending our energies engaged in something for other people is just rewarding. Feeling that inner reward is one more of those small joys.

Pets can be a great antidote to some loneliness, so becoming a kind and caring friend to a pet can do the same kind of thing that doing something for other people does.

Whether it's doing something for other people or pets, it's important to remember that the aim can't be "all about what we're getting back". It has to remain "all about what we can offer them". For lack of a better way to say this, that's the only way it can work, when it comes to reducing loneliness.

Today many people find light conversation by participating in online discussion or chat sites. This is something even the non-lonely do these days, and most of us have had more than our share of experiences with sitting at our PC's and laughing at whatever someone else has said online. Speaking of PC's, putting some uplifting wallpaper (instead of "cool" or business-like wallpaper) is another small way to add a little brightness to life.

People who have faith often find that faith helps them reduce or eliminate loneliness.

Finding the right kind of entertainment can help diminish loneliness. The person who enjoys action movies may find they give him one of those smaller joys in life. At the same time, it's always worth considering that a "feel-good" movie isn't always such a bad thing either.

Exercise can be yet another one of those smaller joys in life. Not only does exercise offer the benefits of being active, rather than sitting around and feeling "like a lump", but it, like laughing, alters brain chemistry. We may not be able to immediate see or feel any major changes (although, depending on us and the exercise, we may), but over time, changes in brain chemicals and metabolism will be working behind the scenes to make us feel generally better (and maybe even more whole).

Since we all have a list of things that make us feel that little sense of joy in our hearts, anyone suffering from loneliness may find that making a good, long, list of things that can bring small joy can help. Once the list has been written, it helps to find a way to add those small joys to each day.