The Rights of the Adopted Child
76
When it comes to adopted children it seems fairly obvious to me that they have a right to know they have been adopted right from the beginning. It also seems obvious that the grown adopted children should have the right to meet and know their biological parents if they wish, and that their right to that should take precedence over the biological mother's "right to privacy". After all, "what is best for the child" is supposed to be what all mothers use when deciding what to do nor not do.
There are some rights, though, that adopted children should have that are often forgotten:
The right to be wanted is one that is often the reason children are placed for adoption.
The right to know that being adopted doesn't have to mean being different from the other kids is one right on which many people need to do some work. The right to feel "like everyone else" is a right some people think cannot be bestowed on adopted people. I don't believe feeling like everyone else is impossible for adopted children when adults present things correctly.
The right to understand the very significant ways nurturing in the first three years of life can affect a child's personality and brain development is one right many people forget that adopted children should have.
The right to be viewed by other people as no different from anyone else is a right that requires some work on the part of people who can have trouble "getting past it" once they learn someone has been adopted.
The right to the very normal thing of having one mother and one father at one time throughout the formative years.
The right to being shielded from some ugly realities that may exist in the adopted child's birth circumstances and the right to having any such ugly realities put in a perspective that helps the child understand better should not be overlooked.
The right to have the fact of his being adopted forgotten by people like adoptive relatives, teachers, neighbors and friends' parents is a right many adopted children don't have.
The right to be told how so many people who were not adopted children may know very little about their grandparents or other family members beyond their immediate family.
The right to be referred to by people outside their family (adoptive family) as "their son" and not "their adopted son".
The right to having parents point out any ways they see in which he happens to be similar to them in personality, abilities, or even - although its coincidence - any physical characteristics. I'm not suggesting parents of children who are very different in appearance must stretch the truth about physical traits. I'm saying that when any similar traits do exist adopted children can enjoy hearing the same kind of comparisons that biological children do. Nobody needs to bring up the genetic realities. Adopted children should just have the right to hear what non-adopted kids hear.
The right not to have the fact that they're adopted be the main focus of their life and existence, and this leads to the right to be a person in their own right.
CommentsLoading...
Liza, thanks for contributing yet additional thoughts on adoption. With adoption there isn't a one-size-fits-all thing that is always right. Circumstances surrounding each adoption are different. Based on research I've seen about adoptees, though, one big problem is that many do not feel there's "something missing" while others simply don't feel that way. As a mother of one adopted child and two biological children, I suspect that in a good number of cases where adoptees feel there's "something off" or "something missing" one contributing factor could be that SOME adoptees are made to feel different, by too much emphasis on the fact that they are "special" (i.e., "not like every other kid").
There are certainly beautiful realities to adoption; but in my son's case (as in the case of many children who come from awful birth situations) there are some ugly realities too. In the year after I first met my son as a young infant, I had to bring him back for follow-up medical care after the skull fracture, negligence, and abandonment that had taken place when he was a young infant. I did not adopt him because I couldn't have biololgical children. I adopted him because I knew I could give him what every loved, treasured, and "normal" child deserves (and it "plain old" isn't "normal" to have in one's early infancy what my son had). Fortunately, young infants don't remember their first couple of months; so my son was left with no "scars" other than night terrors if we went to sleep too early. He "turned into" a perfectly happy, bright, little guy; and when he went to kindergarten I did not put it in his record that he was adopted. A neighbor made it a point to mention it to his teacher, and before I knew it my son was singled out and "watched" by a teacher who thought his being adopted might be "an issue".
Not emphasizing the ugly and hard to imagine first eight weeks of his life was not a matter of denying reality. Fortunately, for my son, his reality changed after his first couple of months. I did not want a few weeks of real ugliness (and absolutely impossible-to-imagine treatment of him) to follow my son throughout his life. He would eventually have the truth of his "story" told, a little at a time as he grew mature enough to handle each piece of information. (He's just past 30 now, and he's known the whole truth for quite some time now.) My point is that my approach is not to deny whatever role someone's biological beginnings play, but not to over-emphasize it either. I was once working for a newspaper and covered a school committee meeting, where well educated people actually accepted the statement that it is "safe to assume that all foster kids and adopted kids have problems".
I am very much against the "it takes a village" thinking. My thinking (as a lot people's is) is that it takes one or two loving, good, parents who know how to help a child feel whole and normal (whatever it takes, which can be different in different situations).
My two biological children have about eight different ancestral nationalities in their background, along with their being American citizens. I made it a point to emphasize to all three of my kids (the two I had and the one I didn't) that American people are the result of that "melting pot", and I told all three that they were "melting pot babies" (and the perfect examples of what Americans are). Since I have seen my own role in "building" them into the people they are, I have never emphasized genes (good, bad, or otherwise) to any of my children.
People like my son need to grow up knowing that his genes did not predispose them to becoming violent, unfit, parents if/when they were adopted early enough. The fact of adoption has never been anything my husband and I denied, but my son's reality changed the day his birth mother fled the country and left behind a baby with a fractured skull. Science now knows that the way a child's brain develops (including how well his stress response and immune system work for the rest of his life) is determined by nurturing that takes place in the first few years of life. Medical and psychological tests done on my son at four years old and ten years old showed that he is a very different person than the woman who gave birth to him and who is said to be "of limited mental capacity". In other words, my son is who he is in spite of his bad beginnings, not because of them or the woman who gave birth to him.
My son's biological birthparents (and the rest of their family to boot) were the ones to "decide" that my son would not have a place with them. That left a two-month infant with no family in which he belonged. My aim was to give that tiny little boy the same sense of belonging that I had growing up with my own two, good, parents; and that his little brother and sister would have when they came along. Not to be too "romantic" about it all, but I've always felt that my parents gave me a gift that I was able to pass along to each of my three children, adopted or not.
Based on adoptees I've known, as well as research, I don't believe that adoptees are all in a "club" and think alike. Many do grow up feeling quite whole and "like everyone else", and not in having a particular need to feel understood. Again, though, all adoptees/adoptions/adoptive parents are different. As you said, open discussion always contributes to the "understanding pool".
Hi Lisa, This is a topic near and dear to my adopted heart. I love the "adoptees bill of rights" you've written. It definitely puts forward some very basic pieces of information and family behaviors that adoptees need.
In today's adoption world, there seem to be 3 stakeholders. The birth mother (or parents), the adoptive parent(s) and the adopted baby/child. All three entities have rights, which can sometimes be in conflict...
I think my feeling is that information about one's biological parents should be available IF THE ADOPTEE WANTS IT. It is critical for medical reasons. What breaks my heart (even though I don't have adopted children) is the idea that an adoptive couple could be all lined up and ready to adopt -- or get the baby home -- and the birthmother changes her mind. I believe that inevitably that is shortchanging the child.
IN terms of when to tell your adoptive child about his/her roots, I agree with you. The earlier the better. I was made to feel like I had been "chosen" and was def a member of the family, not an add-on (how could I have been -- I am the oldest. Miraculously, my parents went on to have 2 biological kids after I got them all trained as parents:-). I have a good friend who found out he was adopted the day he graduated from high school. It totally devestated him and he has not talked to his family since. Sad.
MightyMom, thank you so much for your input here, particularly in view of the fact that you, like my son, were the eldest. When I adopted him I took it for granted that I'd have children too. In some ways my first son was a learning experience for me too, and I've always told myself that most first-borns/first-adopted often take the brunt of well meaning, loving, but inexperienced parents. :)
As the adoptive-mother end of that triangle, I've always very much respected my son's right to have that information to which he has a right. As someone who has always loved my children the way I have, I can't imagine ever lying to any of them about something so fundamental. When I adopted my son I told myself it could never, ever, by "about me". It always had to be "about him" and what was best for him. Of course, what's best for the child is the thing that so many people so often have disagreement over.
I always kind of wished my son didn't have "the information" about which I had to figure out how much to share and when. It was so much easier with the two children I had myself, who didn't have a "story". Still, I like to think it was my love for him that guided me as to how to tell him what, and when.
I kind of think everyone should have a child or two they adopt and a child or two they have themselves. It's not possible to put into words how incredibly blessed I, personally, feel to have built my family that way. I guess I feel that, for me, it has made it so clear that I didn't need to give birth to my son to love him every bit the same way that I loved his little brother and sister. Also, though, it made it clear that I didn't love them the way I did just because I did give birth to them. It's just an experience I wish everybody could have. :)
You need to google the website exilebirthmothers.com and it will tell you the truth about adoption, open adoption, and how it is a mulitmillion dollar industry. I was adopted and treated very badly and so was my daughter by her adoptive parents. Yes the "true and natural" parents have rigthts and so does the adoptee - we have the rigth to know who we are, where we came from, our true heritage, and truth why we were given up for adoption in the first place.
Ladybythelake55, I agree that adopted people have a right to know the circumstances under which they were placed for adoption. My problem, as my son's mother, was trying to know how and when to gradually tell a child (and later a teen and then adult) how much; because he had some problems resulting from a bad prenatal environment, and then I had to find a nice way to explain the skull fracture that resulted in his being removed from her care in early infancy.
I am posting the correct URL for the site you mentioned, so reader can view it if they want to:
http://www.exiledmothers.com/index.html
I have no doubt that there are adopted children who end up being treated badly - but there are many who are treasured in a way no so-called "mother" who would fracture their skull would even be capable of doing. I have no doubt that a lot of young girls (especially in the past) were encouraged to place their babies for adoption rather than, as so many do today, have the help of their own mothers in caring for their babies.
As the person who brought my son for follow-up care at the neurologist's office (as well as pediatrician's office), who dealt with the nightmares he had from the time he was an infant, and who deal with learning problems he was discovered to have in school; I don't necessarily see SOME biological mothers as victims portrayed on the website. As the person who loved and talked to this child so much he scored like a 7 year-old on some areas of testing done when he was 4 (not visual-perceptual, which was his learning problem); and as the person who managed to have a child with learning problems but (as teachers and other professionals said) "absolutely none of the behavior problems usually associated with learning disabilities; I consider myself his "true" mother. Just as animals have been known to "adopt" babies of their own or other species when those babies had no mother of their own, I see the adopted relationship (when it's what it should be) as "natural".
The first page of the site you mentioned says something about how adoption is "a violent act" and how birth mothers are "brutally abandoned". I'm sincerely sorry for any birth mothers who are treated poorly; but the violent act in my son's life was having his skull fractured; and, as part of that "story" being abandoned (as was shown in the court documents) once he was hurt.
I, personally, don't think any birth mother should ever give up her baby unless she is the type who says, "I don't want this baby - ever." Women who feel that way and, of course, abusive mothers are, in my opinion, the only people who should have their babies placed for adoption (voluntarily or otherwise).
From what I understand, the UK has some guardianship program which allows mothers to place their babies in long-term guardianship without giving up their rights as mothers. In any case, I don't think it's accurate for anyone to make blanket statements (positive or negative) about adoption situations. They're all as individual as the people involved. (Sorry that your story and your daughter's story are bad ones - sincerely sorry. I know your stories are not the only ones like that.)
I notice that you are a White Nationalist, so I understand that people of your belief place more emphasis on heredity than many other people do. Having my own little "Nature/Nurture" experiment (with one adopted child and two I had myself), I've been how similar all three children's personalities were when they were young. I've since learned the during the first three years of a child's life nurturing actually affects the development of brain connections. In any case, that's why I don't place as much emphasis on heredity as people with your beliefs do. (My son happens to be of a different ethnicity than I am.)
Hi! My name is John Lo from the Philippines. I am turning 25 years old this September 11. I am an adopted son of a Chinese family. My adopted died passed away last April 2007. All of my adopted siblings took all of my share as a son. Never they gave me a share of the wealth of my dad. Please help me on how will I claim my rights. please email me at johnlewislo2@aol.com or call me at +639099995915... thanks
torjmilby, I'm sorry, but I'm not very knowledgeable about where in the Phillipines you could get legal help. If the laws are similar to laws were I live, being adopted should not make a difference. Of course (based on where I live), it makes a difference if there is a will or no will. If someone has written a will and excluded anyone contesting that will is not likely to be successful. If there is no will, who inherits what usually gets divided up among "legal heirs" (and that's where being adopted doesn't make a difference, at least, again, where I live).
I wish I could offer you more information on that, but, again, I'm not really qualified. You may want to do a search like, "legal help in _______________, Philippines"; or even "free legal help in ______________". I did one quick search and came up with the following list of sites. I don't know how helpful any of them may be, but maybe at least someone could offer you better direction than I am able to. You need to find a lawyer who deals with this kind of case, of course.
http://www.pinoysites.org/phil294.htm
There are people from the Philippines who visit HubPages (although I have no idea how many will happen to read this Hub). Still, with your comment here maybe someone will see it and be able to offer you information. I think, though, you'd really be better off trying to get legal help where you live. If paying for that is a problem you may be able to at least find a lawyer who can direct you. Also, you may want to call your local court and ask someone at, say, the clerk's office what your options you may be.
Coming from an adoptive home myself, this is a very insightful hub! thanks for sharing this~cam
Are you adopted? Or have adopted? I agreed with everything you stated!
angela_michelle, thank you. One of my three kids/two sons is adopted. I'm not adopted myself, but I think it's because I wasn't that I think, at least in some ways (certainly not all), it helps me to know what all kids have a right to. As the mother of a son who is adopted, I so often ran into people who saw my son/relationship with him as far "different" than non-adoptive parents' relationships with their children; and even though there was always the reality of my son's birth/"biological story", my relationship with him was every bit the same as with the two children I had myself. So, writing about adoption has been kind of a "thing" of mine. :)
Lisa,
I am adopted and agree with everything except that adopted children have the "right" to know their adoptive parents without those individual's agreement. There are some horror stories about biological parents and adoptive children reunifications, not often told but very horrific for the children. Since I did a lot of work in this field I am familiar with the damage that can occur, often when contact is forced upon either the bio parent (typically Mom) or the child. Great hub though and thanks so much for writing it!
Mardi, thanks for contributing here. I'm back-peddling by trying to clarify here. I just thought it was worth trying to clarify. My son's reunion situation was pretty much one of those horror stories (for him - not for me. I don't know how it was for the birth mother). I, personally, wished he would never know what (and I do mean "what") he came from him. Still, as an adoptive mother and even as someone who truly knew it wouldn't have a positive impact on him, I think he had the right to know if he wanted to know or had the need. He is the adoptee, and I think his needs/wishes have to come first. The adoption triangle is made up of the adoptee, birth mother, and adoptive mother; and I think all the "mothers" involved have to put the child (even grown one) first.
My son showed no interest in his birth family, but an agency wrote a letter on behalf of the birth mother when he turned 21. The letter (with only initials as a return address) asked if he would be interested in meeting her. I got the letter and told him he had mail over the phone. He said open it while we were on the phone. I told him what it was. He said, "I don't want to know about her." I was foolish enough to say, "At least let her know you're OK. She deserves that much." I thought he could call the agency, tell them that much, and that would be it. Instead, he was encouraged to meet her. It was several years worth of disaster (for him - not me) that followed. I knew, at that time, he wasn't emotionally mature enough (even if he was 21) to deal with the can-of-worms he'd run into. I was right, and I was angry that the agency didn't have its name in the return address. (All it said was "TAC, Peabody, MA", which stood for "The Adoption Connection" Well, how on Earth would I know that? (!!!)
I do think, though, that there's a difference between "having the right" (even if it's only a "moral right") and exercising that right without giving anyone involved a warning. I think adoptees should use some discretion before showing up out of the blue, unannounced. At the same time, though, I think if a woman places her child for adoption she needs to know that he may one day contact her (hopefully, with discretion), the same way I, as an adoptive mother, knew my son may one day want to search. My mistake, as I looked at that letter while my son was waiting on the other end of the phone, was in going "the-what's-morally-right" route and over-estimating the ability of those Adoption Connection people in understanding that not all 21-year-old adoptees are able to deal with some cans-of-worms. I thought they'd even accept what he said and let it go (realizing that his needs should come before the birth mother's, particularly in view of the situation); or at least ask to consult with me about my opinion of his emotional readiness before going ahead like gangbusters. So I also over-estimated their general common sense, sensitivity, and ability to realize that adoptive mothers really can step back from themselves and offer opinions based solely on their perceptive of their child's needs.
I'm not a big fan of causing all kinds of problems in a birth mother's life, or in causing unnecessary pain; but there are people who are adopted and who (maybe because their adoptive parents didn't manage to make them have enough of a sense-of-belonging and sureness) have a strong need to know who the birth parents are and what the birth story was. To me, if an adoptee has that strong need for whatever reason, he ought to have the right to know, no matter what. Yes, it's asking some birth mothers to go through yet something else; but I just think whatever stands the best chance of helping an adoptee feel whole is the way to go. On a case by case basis, a reunion isn't always going to be helpful to an adoptee. There aren't easy answers on this issue.
In my son's case, my relationship with him was never in the least bit threatened, but it brought a lot of confusion to him, as well as a lot of worry and second-hand "issues" to him as a result. I signed on to be his mother, the same way I signed (not in writing) to be my two biological children's mother. I knew I had to be willing/able to deal with my own worries. My son was the one who really, really, got thrown for a loop for years. To be honest, other than thinking she has a moral right to know my son is OK, I can't say I care what the birth mother went through. I picked up the pieces after her not once, but twice; and while it as a challenge to figure out how to do that the first time around, that second time was a major "horror show". (I don't want to come across as a "martyr" because there's never been a time when I wasn't ready to deal with the realities of my son's being adopted.)
Even with all that mess, though, there were times when he was little boy and did ask me what had gone on or if I knew who his birth mother was; and I still think it's better that he has no questions now.
Then, too, there's always the thing that no matter how parents/adults handle things with children, it often turns out that the grown kids think things should have been differently. I don't know... There's no easy and simple answers. :) Thanks for sharing your important point here; because, you're right, a lot of people don't talk about that aspect of things.
Lisa,
Thanks for this additional comment and I hope I didn't come across as aggressive or upset with your hub I truly think it is wonderful. I also think you have hit upon a very important aspect of reunification, the age of the child and his or her wishes.
Your love for your son is loud and clear and you are a great example of just how wonderful adoption can be!
Mardi - on the "aggressive thing", absolutely not. I appreciate people contributing and expanding discussions. If my reply was long (which, of course, it was) it was only because adoption is one my "things" (or at least it was from the time my son was a baby until he ironed out that whole reunion business eight years or so ago). Even now, the matter of adoption is still special for me.
Thanks for your kind words. My son has been my "bonus child" and gift to me.
Lisa
You are an amazing parent and truly an inspiration to all us potential adoptive parents the world over. Thank you so much(and your children for allowing you) for sharing your family's story with us all. I can't even begin to explain how helpful your writings have been to me and my husband and we intend to take quite a few 'leaves' from your book as we go through this amazing adoption process. Thank you all again.
Anthea, thank you for your kind words (although I'm pretty uncomfortable with the word, "amazing". :) ) Congratulations on your plans to adopt. If I were ten years younger I'd try to adopt one more infant myself. It wouldn't be fair to a child, though.
If anything I've said has been at all helpful, that's nice to know (and thank you for saying so). I can't resist mentioning that my eldest son's (the adopted one) birthday is a couple of days away. The anniversary of the day he came into the world still remains as special to me as his younger siblings' birthdays are to me.
If I can take this opportunity to tell a favorite "mother moment" I had when all three kids were little (it's something I've told elsewhere online, but with his birthday coming up I just feel like posting here)...
When I was expecting my daughter, my littlest son was three and my eldest son was eight. I used to let my two little boys fall asleep on the living room couch, as I'd curl up at one end (as a way of being comfortable because of the baby). One night was a particularly rough night, because the baby wouldn't stop kicking me from within, my youngest son (who was curled up against me) was hitting and kicking me in his sleep, and my lanky-legged eight-year-old would stretch his legs and kick me from time to time as well. (Oh, the suffering we mothers sometimes endure! LOL )
Anyway, after being awakened from sleep any number of times from one child's kicks or another's, I was wide awake and thinking about why I wasn't able to sleep. Both sons seemed sound asleep, but both kept moving and kicking from time to time. It just kind of hit me, though, how all three children were all doing some version of kicking; and I was suddenly hit with the awareness of how "the same" I felt toward all three (forgiving as far as the kicking went, and completely happy to have them in my life). I thought about my bond with each, individual, child and about how we all just seemed "so much an us, as a group", and it just all seemed so right and whole and perfect.
Like all mothers, I've made my mistakes and done my re-thinking of some smaller choices I made along the way; but today, as my son approaches yet another birthday, if there's one thing that strikes me as I think about the fact that he's adopted, it's that what I feel for him is as perfect today as it was when he was eight or four or eight months old.
Having him in my life has also highlighted for me the fact that what I feel for his two younger siblings has little to do with genes and everything to do with the bond that grew stronger and stronger, beginning the day I brought each one home.
There have been a few challenges that I didn't have with my two children who got off to a better first couple of months (and, more importantly, that they didn't have to struggle with in learning in school); but, as I said, if I were ten years younger, and someone handed me an infant to adopt tomorrow, I'd absolutely love to do it all again. :)
Best wishes for a smooth adoption process. As far as I'm concerned, that was the most difficult part of it all. :)
Thanks Lisa, for your encouraging words and HAPPY BIRTHDAY to your son. I hope it's a lovely one. I can't wait to be a parent. I've known that I would adopt for almost as long as I can remember and I'm so excited that it's nearly time! I've spent the last few years 'lurking' and reading all kinds of adoption and parenting websites but your hub really is the most rational and fair minded I have found (and only just recently). You always try to put the best interests of children in any situation first and so many people are all about whats fair for them and their own best interests, whilst trying to convince us that it's 'all about the kids'. You always explain why you have come to a particular conclusion and how it actually IS in childrens best interests, even if it's hard. This takes guts, brains and introspection. Again, thank you very much for your time and thoughts. I think a lot of us out here really appreciate them.
Anthea, thank you again for your kind words, and sincerest best wishes on this upcoming, huge, and wonderful event. :)
Mnn, I re-posted your comment because I wasn't sure what the number is at the end, and I was concerned it could be a phone number that you wouldn't want posted "for the world to see". I'll respond to your comment in a separate box below. 55 minutes ago
Mnn's Comment:
I am an adopted teen who messed thingz out with my adopted family.they hv raised me since i was 2yrs old now iam 17 and doesnt live wit them anymore becouse of te things i did 2 them.now iam living with my biological family not schoolin anymore this year i must be doing gr811 in thuto ke maatla comprehensive school but no iam sitting home doing nothing no one cares about me or the need that i need 2 go 2 school my sistas mother that i stay with dont care.i really miss my foster family they wanted what is best for me and they really cared i messed it up bcz of freedom,freak,friends and thing i thought they were right.now that i have what i wanted freedom i realize that freedom will always be there but my life,dreams and goals all gone.i believe that every1 learns from his or her mistakes and i have learnt 4rm mine.and every1 deserves a second chance and a second chance will do 4 me.i need advise?what i must do 2 win my foster family again 0769259520
Mnn, everyone does deserve a second chance - especially when someone is as young as you are. I know that 17 isn't 5 years old and seems so grown up, but it's still so young. You're still a kid, and kids mess up. Some kids (especially the ones who have had something like being adopted as late as two) mess up a little more than others.
I wish I felt confident offering some kind of advice about reconciling with your adoptive family, but because I don't know you, them, or the situation I'd be pretty uncomfortable guessing when it comes to advice. I do know that when there's been trouble between people (no matter who the people are) sometimes one place to start is just to try to take "baby steps" and start talking a little. If things were so rough between you and them it they may not feel comfortable going back and starting over again, at least, maybe, they could be close friends you keep in touch with. From there, maybe they'd be willing to start over. Maybe they'd be too worried to try. Maybe, though, just keeping in touch and trying to be honest with them about any regrets you have could be a start.
Since I don't know where you live (and don't know if it's in the US), I don't know if this idea will help you at all: If you live in the US, might there be someone in the state's "children's services" department who may be able to give you some ideas about what to do as far as schooling goes? You're still under 18, so I'd think maybe they may at least be able to suggest who you can talk to.
Maybe, too, it isn't that your sister's mother doesn't care. Maybe she just thinks you independent and thinks she shouldn't try to get involved with your schooling?
I'm sorry, but I don't know what the "comprehensive school" is, so I don't know if that's a special needs school or a school for students who come from another country. If it's a special needs school, I'd think that maybe you could call the special ed people in your area. (You could get their number from the local public high school.) Maybe someone there could help point you in a direction.
Maybe (and I have no idea if this would help at all), if your foster parent(s) knew you were in school and trying to get on your feet again; maybe they'd at least start to become more involved in your life again?
I wish I could be more help here, because I can only imagine what it must be like to be your age and feel like you don't have someone interested in helping you find your goals and dreams. Your life and dreams and goals aren't gone, though. They're all still there. You just lost touch with them for now. Think about what you want for yourself. Maybe ask any of the adults you know for advice and direction. From there maybe some new friendships will develop.
I don't know if this would work, but maybe you could call the school yourself, talk to someone there, and just tell them, "I want to be in school. Can someone help me?"
As far as your adoptive family goes, maybe if you just ask your mother if, just for now, she'd be willing to keep in touch online or over the phone so you can "check in" and talk about stuff that has nothing to do with any difficult stuff in the past. Maybe just talk/chat every week if you can. That would be better than leaving "ugliness" between you, even if it didn't turn out you could completely get back. Your family must cared about you. Nobody can raise a child from two years old without caring very much about him/her. Maybe they just need some time to get over whatever went on. Again, I wish I could be more help here, but as you know, some things aren't very easy to think of a solution for.
Stay strong. Hang in. You're at one of the hardest ages people can be at right now. Things start to get a little better once people are 18, and they can get better as people get closer to 21. You may not have any immediate answers about your dreams and future right now, but a lot of people your age don't. Don't be too proud to let your sister's mother know you do care about your future and goals. Maybe if she thinks you care, she'll start to show that she cares more too.
Ive just turned seventeen and Ive been adopted since i was 14 months old. I have been told some things about my birth damily but not much. All i know is my birth mother couldnt look after me. I have been told by my parents that I cannot know the full details untill I am eighteen. This makes me angry because i feel that it is my life and my past and what makes me who I am. I understand that there is an issue of maturity. I dont want to neccesarily meet my birth family because i recognise that my parents are my parents and have raised me . But it angers me that I cannot know because It worries me. I think to myself that It must be something bad that has happened for me to not leggaly be informed of my past untill im eighteen. It does screw me up inside somewhat and im finding it difficult now that Im that much older because as a child being adopted didnt bother me. Is there any way that I can know more or do I have to wait till im 18. Thanks for this hub its very informative and shows how strong you are as a parent. :-)
Hi, Jo. Thank you for sharing your own situation here. As far as I know, 18 is generally the age; although in my son's case, he was 21 when an agency contacted him by mail to ask if he'd be interested in meeting his birth mother. As his mother, and knowing that he'd been through some upheaval in his teens; I would have rather he'd been just a couple of years older when he met her after he'd had some time to be a grown-up a little longer.
I agree that it's your life and you have a right to know the facts, but I think most people (maybe even your parents) agree too. I can't guess about your parents' motives; but as a mother of an adopted child, I wouldn't be surprised if they just believe you should be a little older.
I think, for the most part, there's usually a bad situation surrounding placing any child for adoption. People don't do that lightly. Then again, though, there's a good chance that your own story is nowhere near as "bad" as you may imagine. It just may be that your parents don't quite know what to say because they know that whatever they say could possibly upset you. So maybe they're choosing to upset you by not telling you what you want to know, rather than risk your being more "confused" or upset if you have a whole new load of difficult facts come out right now.
Adopted or not, people your age often have some things about life to work out; and maybe your parents just think you don't need something extra right now. Two of my grown kids are not adopted. One is. I can tell you that, as a parent, half the time I've never been sure about what I should say at what time to any of them. I'm pretty open, but there are some things that - really - I do think (at least in my own situation) are better discussed when they're a little older.
Your parents might be worried that you could put too much emphasis on something "wrong" your birth mother did and start thinking that whatever she did might mean you would do something. Here's an extreme example, but it's a good one. Not long ago there was a program on about a sociopath mother who committed serious crimes. She had a baby and the little girl was placed for adoption. The girl was a teen (I think) when she had learned about who her birth mother was, and then the girl started to worry that she'd be like the birth mother. Well, she isn't (and she wouldn't be because she (the young woman) had a loving family and was very much not a sociopath). Still, it was just knowing that her birth mother was who she was that made the young woman start wondering about herself.
I'm NOT AT ALL suggesting that your birth story would be that extreme. Often, babies/toddlers placed for adoption older than infancy do have birth mothers who weren't able to properly care for them (as you've been told). My son's birth mother's story is a sad one, because even though my son was injured as an infant; the birth mother isn't "some evil woman". She's a "kind of slow" individual who was raised in horrible poverty and ignorance, and (as I used to say to my son), she hadn't a mother who was "the right kind of mother" to her, so didn't learn how to "the right kind of mother" that a little boy needed.
I know I worried that my son would wonder if she "didn't want him", but I also worried that when he learned he'd been injured he'd wonder if he'd "inherited" some bad aspect from his birth parents. People do, of course, inherit a certain amount of things from their birth parents; but it's now understood that the way a child's brain develops (which connections get formed in the first three years) is very much tied to nurturing in those first three years. So, with my son being a baby when he was placed, he's a different person than he would have been had he been raised by his birth parents. At the same time, he did, of course, inherit hair color and eye color; and he inherited any predispositions to medical conditions. Even with that, though, I've learned not long ago that nurturing in the first three years can actually affect a person's stress response system and immune system. So, for good or ill, my son's stress response system and immune system were "changed" because I adopted him as early as I did.
My point is, that although my son didn't inherit the same genes my two biological kids did, he's still a different person than he would have been if he'd been raised by his birth parents. All kids/people have individual personalities, skills, and traits; and my own three kids aren't any different. Still, the three of them were, in so many ways, very similar in behavior and disposition as younger children. Something else I've learned by having kids who are both adopted and biological is that "the adoption factor", while it's there as far as my son's birth story goes, is most often not much of a factor beyond that.
Yes. He got off to a rough start in early infancy, and then he spent a month or so in a hospital (skull fracture said to be an accident, and since the birth mother is said to be "of limited mental capacity" there's a good chance she or her husband just weren't careful enough/protective enough of an infant. I don't think they're evil people. I just think they're "not the brightest bulbs in the batch" (for lack of better way to say it) through not fault of their own. Still, how do you explain to a child (especially if you're worried that he'll believe he must be just like them) that between two parents neither was capable of keeping a baby from being hurt?
I had no choice but to figure out how to tell my son his birth/early infancy story a little at a time because he had school problems, retina scarring, and a "thing" on his skull that he could feel. Honestly. If I didn't think I'd have to explain some of those things, I probably would have waited to tell him any of it too.
I'm going to continue my comments to you in another comment box for space reasons. See comment box below:
Jo (Comment 2):
Much of the time, regardless of whether children are adopted or birth children, parents just do what they think is right. The biggest driving force for the choice parents make is usually their wish to keep their child from having too much "dumped on them" before their son or daughter is ready. Seventeen is not a little kid. I know that, and I don't want to at come across as condescending here because I remember how grown up I felt (and was in a lot of ways) at seventeen. What your parents (and I and anyone else who has been seventeen and later gotten older) know is that how we think; and how we view things, really does change from the time when we're even eighteen or twenty to the time we're, say, twenty five. You said you understand the thing about being more mature before meeting your birth parents (if you even plan to), but (even though I can't guess about what your parents are thinking, and don't a have a clue about it), I'd imagine that there's a really good chance they're just plain afraid that if they tell you about a bad situation it could set off a whole set of issues that - maybe - you'd be more able to put in a different perspective a little later. I'd also guess there's a really good chance they very much agree with you that it's your life, and that you have a right to know the story; and I'd bet there's a good chance they have every intention of telling you what you want to know, but maybe they just don't know if it's OK to tell you right now or not. (As I said, we parents don't always know what we should or shouldn't be doing. We just try to reason it out, make our best judgment, and hope our kids will understand one day that if we made some mistake it was only because we loved them so much and were afraid to do anything that might possibly "get issues going" before they were ready to deal with them.
If you think about it, no birth story of an adopted child is a happy one (beyond the birth). As a mother of three, I see placing (or having my child taken and placed) a child for adoption as pretty much the biggest horror in the world. I didn't want my son to see his birth mother as "some unfortunate fifteen-year-old girl who had no choice" because I knew his birth mother was four years older than I am, and I didn't want him thinking she was "some pressured young girl" that he should feel bad for. Then again, I didn't want him thinking the woman was a monster, because - really - from what I've heard, she isn't. I know she didn't want him taken away, so there was that issue. To be honest, I know (and he does too now) that she and her husband are a couple of "pieces of work" when it comes down to it. So, although it's not their fault that they were unfit, there's the thing that they're pretty sleazy and sneaky too. Also, I've known several kids who have been adopted from bad situations (I've had exposure to them for reasons unrelated to my own adoption.) It's rare that some of these birth parents are "monsters". They're just really, really, troubled people (but nothing to really imagine "horrors" about; they're just sad cases of reality). What I'm saying is that even if your birth story is a sad/awful one, it doesn't necessarily mean it's such a horror that you should be imagining the worst. There's just a lot of issues that mothers (adoptive ones) aren't quite sure about how to tell their son or daughter and when.
Maybe the main point here is that I know how easy it is for grown sons or daughters to misinterpret parents' motives or reasoning when they do or don't do something. Grown kids (just because they haven't had grown kids of their own) often imagine why a parent does or doesn't something, and assume motives or reasons that are incorrect. An example is that you imply your parents are withholding information because they don't respect that it's your life and your right to information. Chances are, it's more likely they do recognized and respect those things; but just differ with you on the timing.
One more text box coming up below:
Jo (continued): As an adoptive mother I've always "had a thing" about wishing people understood adoptive mothers better. Kids don't understand parents in a lot of ways, regardless of whether the grown child is adopted or not. People who haven't adopted and raised a child often can't imagine the things that concern adoptive mothers, or that they try to figure out how to handle over the years.
I have "a thing" that if some people understood the things about adopted children (and the relationship between adopted parents and their kids) better, a whole lot of misunderstanding and misinterpretation wouldn't exist. A lot of adoptive mothers only have adopted kids, so they can't compare their relationship to their kids with one with biological children. Some people have adopted children and biological children, but may have adopted children later than infancy (or the first two years).
I feel like I had my own little nature/nurture experiment; and I've seen how similar all three of my kids are (while also seeing the ways in which they're different). Personally, I really do think too many people over-estimate the influence of birth parents (of babies/toddlers younger than a certain age) on adopted children. My eldest son did have some issues because he struggled in school, and he struggled in school because of his early infancy. Still, any issues he struggled with in his teens were the direct result of his having trouble in school. If he'd been a biological child with the same school problems, I'm convinced he might well have developed the same insecurities, struggles, that he did as a teen and as a result of the school problems.
I don't know what, if any, impact your earliest months had on the the person you are now; but I'd hope that you don't under-estimate the impact your adoptive parents have had on who you are now (whether they're wonderful and loving parents or not-so-good parents). A toddler of fourteen months is older than an infant, but is still well under three/four years old. There's a very good chance that, for good or ill, a good part of what you are today comes from your parents - not your birth parents, whoever/whatever they are.
The reason I'm taking the time to offer these thoughts (regardless of whether you read them or not) is that, as an adoptive mother, I hate to think that some adopted people think they're too different from non-adopted people if/when they just aren't.
I don't know how much you feel like reading, and I'm not at all "pushing" my writing; but I'm including some URL's here (I can't put live links in right now) in case it might help if you understand the kind of stuff adoptive mothers think/worry about. I'm not expecting, or asking, you to read any of it. I don't flatter myself into thinking that one mother's thoughts are all that helpful. I've had one reason for writing most of what I write about adoption, though, and that is in the hopes that anyone who does read it will understand adoptive mothers a little better. So, for what they're worth, here's the links:
http://lisahwarren.hubpages.com/hub/Grown-Adoptees
The above URL addresses concerns/experiences with my son's meeting his birth family.
http://adoptionlwarren.blogspot.com/2008/08/how-an
The above URL is at my adoption blog and you would need to scroll down to see the post. I'm including that in case it would give you an "fuel" for any discussions you have with your parents. Also, I thought it may help you understand their concerns a little better.
http://lisahwarren.hubpages.com/hub/Pros-and-Cons-
This one compares having children by adoption with having children by childbirth.
http://lisahwarren.hubpages.com/hub/Birth-Parents-
The one above is about people getting older (forties and over) and still needing to know about their birth parents/ancestry. This one focuses more on how we keep growing throughout adulthood, and I guess that's why I'm including it here.
http://lisahwarren.hubpages.com/hub/The-Finalizati
This one is one that I hoped would express the private and meaningful, but frightening, experience of having a child placed for adoption but not having the adoption finalized immediately.
http://lisahwarren.hubpages.com/hub/What-Teens-and
The last one (right above) isn't about adoption at all. It's about how teens and young adults often can't understand "where parents are coming from".
In a way, I'm reluctant to post any of these URL's because I worry that even if you (or anyone else) reads any of the Hubs, you'll read a whole, big, long, thing; only to get to the end and say, "Well, that didn't tell me what I was hoping it would." So, I don't guarantee, even if you (or someone else) were to read any of this stuff, that it will be of any help to you.
On the other hand, I'm thinking that if there are people (like you) who are looking for answers, or who may not understand why their parents are doing/saying what they are; maybe there's the chance that someone looking for some kind of perspective from someone who's a parent might find a little something that he didn't realize before.
So, I just figured I'd put the URL's here in case you, or anyone else, is at all interested in seeing some more parent-perspective; but warn anyone who takes the time to read any of this stuff that I don't know if they'll find it all a big waste of their time or not. ("You can't blame a girl for trying," as they say. When I say "trying" I mean that I really wish there were so many things adopted people, and non-adoptive parents, could know about the kinds of things we adoptive parents worry so much about over the course of our child's lifetime.
Basically, I wish a lot of teens and young people could really know the things parents often worry about/think about/fear; because no matter how strong or solid we try to be, sometimes we're just muddling through as much as we did when we were seventeen and trying to sort out all the issues of life. :)
A short story before I sign off here: I had the option to change my son's name when the adoption was finalized. He, of course, got his father's/my husband's last name. He had spent his first few years with an ethnic first name given to him by his birth parents. He had no middle name.
When we were deciding whether to change his first name, I didn't want to change his; because it was how we knew him and that (along with his beautiful eyes and golden curls) was one thing his birth parents had given him. I didn't want to take that away from him (or them). So, I shortened the ethnic name, because - really - it would have stood out in our family, and we planned to have more kids. So, we shortened his first name (but it was still his). He got my husband's last name. I decided to give him my late father's first name as his middle name. (Something from his birth parents, his father and me, and my father; who would never get to see his grandchildren at all but who would have loved, loved, them so much.) Here I was, thinking this was the greatest and most meaningful way to approach the name thing. When my son got school age, however, he started to hate his name because it was "odd" compared to other boys his age. So basically, I stuck my son with a name he always hated after believing I was doing something so "nice" and "meaningful" for a child who was adopted.
My point is, we parents do what we think is right and respectful and meaningful; and much of the time it turns out that our children wish we'd done some other thing. I hope you try not to be angry at your parents, and I hope you don't imagine all kinds of "horrible" things (because there's a good chance they aren't "great" things, but may not be all that horrible either if you really understand how people become or do some things).
A Video with All Children in Mind
LizaCarlson 3 years ago
i aggree w/ you on several of the "rights", but, all of these seem to take away from &/or deny the beautiful realities of adoption. I am proud that i was adopted, and, honestly i am also proud of the descision to give my daughter up for adoption. i love the fact that i am the only person i know who has a "biological-step-mom". assimilation through denial is not the key... we are simply speeding up the melting pot theory, and adhearing to the "it takes a village" sentiment. Denying who we are as well as asking others to do the same, won't bring non-adoptees any closer to understanding; but an honest, open discussion of viewpoints/emotions/& singular experiences might.
cheers to you, thanks for writing