Stranger Danger - More Real Than Some Want To Believe

When it comes to teaching stranger danger without terrifying our children we need to keep a few things in mind. Probably the most important thing to keep in mind is to try to help children understand, simply, that "even though it is very unlikely he will ever need to use this knowledge it doesn't hurt to just have it". Emphasizing that most people are not abducted as children but that all people need to know all kinds of safety information, and emphasizing to children that by knowing safety rules it can help him be in control of his own safety, can keep the conversation from seeming to frightening.

Keeping the safety rules regarding strangers and others who may harm a child (people we only kind of know) simple rather than elaborating on many, many, potential dangers is a good idea too. It is possible to develop simple safety rules that may actually serve a number of purposes. The simple statement that a child should tell someone if anyone tries to touch him inappropriately is something a child can easily understand, although parents' counting on his telling if something did happen may still be naive.

The simple statement that the child is never, ever, to talk to someone who approaches him doesn't require details about what such a stranger may be up to. Explaining simply that there are people who do look for children to do mean things to is just as effective as giving horrible scenarios.

Simple rules like: 1) If a stranger approaches run the other way, 2) If anyone tries to touch you in a way they shouldn't tell me, 3) Don't be in houses where the mother isn't home, 4) Stay with the group when you're out, and 5) Don't play near the edges of the school yard are rules children can easily understand and yet don't necessarily require more details beyond the idea that children need to follow some safety rules.

The fact is no matter how much parents think they have talked to their children about stranger danger children under a certain age can be both "stupid" and "brilliant" at the same time while remaining too emotionally capable of always following the safety rules. We've all seen the programs where children were tested on their ability to follow stranger-danger safety rules, as their parents watched from a distance in horror as children seemed to forget all the rules.

My own children and my sister's offer a good example of how intelligent, well-talked-to, children can be "stupid" in the face of being approached by a stranger: All six of our children were out in front of my mother's house one day, playing. One child was four, one was eleven, and the others were in between. A few of them came in with information from a real estate agency and said, "Here."

With my mother and sister sitting there, I asked, "Where did you get that?" One of the children said, "The lady and man in the car gave it to us and said to give it to your mother." My mother, sister, and I were horrified that of all the children not one has done the right thing. I said, "What have we always said about talking to people you don't know?" The child replied, "but they were nice." With all the talk, we had seen for ourselves that it isn't always enough anyway.

When it comes to how children can be "brilliant" about these things, I once needed to use a free-standing ATM, which had three glass walls around it. I parked, truly, six feet from the floor-to-ceiling glass wall and told my three kids I would be "two seconds" and was going to lock the doors of the car. I told them I could see them from the ATM but still told them not to unlock the doors for anyone. I brought the keys with me. I rushed into the ATM, keeping an eye on the car at all times, and then rushed out. Rather than bothering with the key, I signaled to my kids to unlock the door for me. They wouldn't. I used the key, got in, and said, "When I said not to unlock the car I didn't mean don't unlock it for me." My very young son said, "How did we know it wasn't someone disguised as you?"

While really saying something that would terrify our children and guarantee enough fear that they wouldn't forget the rules may be tempting, I think parents need to just present the simple, basic, safety, rules with the idea that someday our children may be mature enough to benefit from them, that knowing these rules can empower children when it comes to keeping themselves safe, but then realizing that when all is said and done, parents cannot place too much trust in their children's ability to follow through when put in a position of needing to decide between trusting and not trusting.