Shopping Therapy

OBLIGATORY WARNING: Shopping therapy, sometimes called, "retail therapy", may be hazardous to financial health. To the best of my knowledge the U.S. Surgeon General has issued no warnings with regard to shopping therapy. If there were such a warning I'd imagine computers would come with a label glued permanently and glaringly across the top of screens. In all seriousness, however, people who become accustomed to getting the "high" from buying something new can become addicted to shopping.

Note: Although "retail therapy" is a common term used to describe shopping therapy, I choose to use the term, "shopping therapy", because while "retail" is a term used to describe a certain type of business or sale of goods to consumers, I, personally, feel closer to the term, "shopping". This note may, of course, indicate that shopping, for me, isn't always entirely free of "emotional connection" - but that's the whole point of this discussion.

As with drinking alone, shopping alone could potentially be a sign of addiction. Consequently, shopping online may lead to hard-core shopping addiction. In all seriousness, there actually can be a real addiction (complete with changes in brain chemistry) to shopping, but this Hub isn't about anything that serious). Just keep in mind that as with all things that give us a little "mental boost", shopping, too, can become addictive if you're not careful. (End of obligatory warning)

OK. I did the responsible thing by posting the above warning. If you're someone who has an addictive personality, tends to let yourself get out-of-control, and/or leans toward being hopelessly irresponsible step away from your computer and go watch television or read a book, or something. If, on the other hand, you are generally well adjusted, responsible, and mentally healthy here are some tips for turning shopping into some of the most effective therapy a few dollars can buy:

1. Make an honest assessment of why you feel you need therapy at all. If you have serious issues left over from a miserable childhood, have a mental condition that - really - requires a professional therapist, or if you have suicidal thoughts; discontinue your plans to use shopping as therapy and seek professional help. Similarly, if you are addicted to alcohol or drugs shopping isn't going to help you. (If there's one thing you don't want is to wake up one day and discover delivery people at your front door, with a widescreen tv or piano you don't remember ordering.)

On the other hand, many bouts of unhappiness and general discontent can be remedied with careful, competent and only-slightly-irresponsible, shopping therapy in just the right dose. No professional monitoring is required for this type of shopping therapy. In fact, one of the "beauties" of shopping therapy is that is restores control, in some small way, to the very person who needs it most these days - YOU.

Maybe you have the Winter blahs. Perhaps you're just feeling down because you haven't gotten enough sleep (of course, if that's the case you ought to sleep instead of shop; but shopping can help too). In the bad economy lots of people have money worries. Women may suffer from PMS, menopause-related blues, or postpartum depression. They may also suffer from Exhausted Super-Mom Syndrome or Exhausted Stay-At-Home Mom Syndrome. Both women and men can suffer from Unbearably-Miserable-In-My-Job Syndrome and Less-Than-Delightful-Spouse Syndrome. Of course, Working-Myself-To-Death Syndrome and Exhausted-to-the-Point-of-Almost-Collapsing Syndrome are two other causes of misery. Then, too, there is the less serious, I-Just-Need-to-Buy-Something-Because-I-Haven't-Bought-Anything-in-Ages Syndrome. Finally, there is the What-Has-Become-of-This-World and What-the-Heck-is-Wrong-with-People Syndromes, both of which may be accompanied by secondary anger, disgust, and general miserable-ness.

These are but a few conditions that may be effectively helped by shopping; although, of course, keep in mind that while shopping may temporarily relieve symptoms of the above (or any number of other) conditions; finding a long-term solution, along with relief of symptoms, is vital.

The following quiz can help you determine whether shopping therapy is right for you:

Question 1: Is your miserable-ness the result of your having something wrong with you or the result of someone/something else in your life making you miserable?

(Nothing wrong with you? OK, I believe you. Shopping may be your answer.)

Question 2: Is your miserable-ness the result of something within your control, but is something that will take some time, planning, and/or resources before you can change it?

(This situation has at times been considered an "epidemic" - or is it "pandemic"? And speaking of pandemics, are we still all worried and miserable about H1N1 Flu or have we all moved on to being miserable about other stuff? In any case, if you answered, "yes," to Question 2 please continue reading (and make sure you have easy access to your trusty credit or debit card numbers and any passwords or security codes you'll be needing).

How to Find the Best "Therapist"

Stay away from upscale and high-priced smaller retailers. Stick with the big companies that, in many cases, a lot of people hate for their big-ness. Why? First, if you were sick wouldn't you rather go to a large, well known, medical facility than some country-bumpkin doctor or else some weird little, high-priced, alternative-medicine kind of person? Some people, of course, would go for the little, weird, or bumpkin-y kind of practitioner/doctor; but - really - there's a reason Johns Hopkins, Mass General, and WalMart are what they are.

My personal recommendation if either Amazon or WalMart, because, for the person looking for something to buy without spending a lot of money, these companies can be a mini-Disneyland. With their vast selection and price range, as well as their varied (and sometimes strange) services beyond just selling stuff; these places (especially for the person accustomed to shopping with more upscale retailers) can just be plain, old, interesting.

Online Shopping Therapy or Bricks-and-Mortar?

While Bricks-and-Mortar can, of course, be effective; in order to gain the full benefits of shopping therapy shopping online is advised. Why? First, it's just plain, old, neat to be able - in the comfort of boring, miserable, life and ratty old clothes - to make stuff magically show up at your door in a day or two. If you're miserable and over-worked and unhappy with the world the last thing you should do is add to all that misery and unhappiness by leaving your house and dealing with a bunch of strangers, parking lot aggressors and morons, and clerks that are only worrying about going on break (preferably before they ring up your purchases).

Regardless of why you're miserable, not being in control of your situation is usually at the core of it. In fact, it is not being in control of your own miserable-ness that makes it worse. Having fun stuff show up at your house after just the click of a mouse and typing in of a few bank card numbers makes you feel like you can do magic. (How powerful is that?) Amazon makes doing that magic even easier with their "one-click" shopping. (I, personally, find that a little bit scary. I don't need to do big, scary, magic - just little, fun, magic.)

Do's and Don't for What to Buy:

Don't buy anything that you really need. Save buying what you really need for your regular shopping. Therapy shopping should be about buying something you'd kind of like to have, or something that would be fun to have or buy. If you need it it's really not fun-shopping. It's regular shopping.

Don't buy something you've always wanted, even if it's not something you need. You've lived this long without whatever it is you've always wanted. At this point, you're used to always wanting and never having whatever it is. Suddenly having this item may lead to unnecessary mental turmoil and emotional adjustment. On top of that, you won't have anything to talk about when you're trying to talk about something pleasant (like what you've always wanted) in order not to talk about how miserable you are. Leave the what-you've-always-wanted for others to give you as a gift or to buy for yourself to celebrate a promotion or winning lottery ticket.

Do buy something you didn't know you wanted and maybe didn't even know existed. What makes this the better approach is the surprise element to it. When you sit down to do shopping therapy and don't know what you're going to end up buying you'll probably be surprised at what catches your fancy. It's a way of getting in touch with the "you" you may have forgotten you are, or else the "you" you never realized you are. Sometimes, such a purchase may even be the beginning of a new "you"; and when you're miserable with the old "you" it's very therapeutic to let yourself journey through the online pages until you're surprised by what catches your fancy, and you realize there's a "you" you weren't really aware is there.

Do set a spending limit. These humongous retailers offer way too much range not to set a firm spending limit. Do vow to stick to that spending limit. This is vital if you want to avoid over-spending.

Do add up to $20 as a margin for going over your spending limit. It feels good to go wild and go over your spending limit just a little bit. DO NOT, I repreat, DO NOT, exceed the $20 margin (well, don't exceed it more than $5; oh, OK, maybe $8 - although if you're going to bump it up to $8 there's really not much difference between $8 and $10. So, OK, $10 more TOPS!!)

I know what you're thinking: "Spending $30 is really exceeding that original, firm, spending limit of $20." The beauty of allowing this, however, is that going only a few dollars over your original, firm, limit isn't really going all that wild; but bumping it up a whole $10 feels wild, crazy, and great (even if it is accompanied by feelings of guilt).

Do figure out how to get rid of the guilt. Here's how:

1. Tell yourself it's your money, and the voice in your head isn't really yours. It's your mother's or your spouse's or your critical friend's. You know, the cheap-skate friend who will go to her grave without being able to take her life's savings with her? Or maybe that friend who spends whatever she wants because she spends based on her own priorities, but when you spend on something that isn't one of her priorities she calls it "wasting money". Maybe the voice in your head is the voice of your parent or grandparent, who lived through The Great Depression. Remind yourself that 1929 is over and has been for - what - 80 years? Regardless of whose voice it is you hear in your head, don't listen to it. It's nobody's business if you spend $20 (oh, OK, $31) of your own dollars on the Internet.

2. Rationalize your spending by reminding yourself of how much it would cost to pay a therapist or get a prescription for anti-depressants, tranquilizers, or whatever other drugs therapists prescribe because they often can't help you with whatever in your life is making you miserable either.

3. Legitimize your spending by reminding yourself that you wouldn't do it if it meant your kids would go hungry, your mortgage would go unpaid, or you were adding more to your bank card than you can afford. Remind yourself that if you can make yourself feel a little happier by going a little wild, having something new to look forward to, getting to know your new product when it gets here, and generally enjoying something that isn't all that sensible; your family and friends will reap the benefits of being around a happier you. This purchase you're making is actually an act of kindness to the people who have been watching you have the blahs and a grumpy face. Heck, if you make this purchase you won't just be happier - you'll be a better person.

Another way to legitimize your purchase is to sign up for an online site that allows people to review/write about products and hope that you can earn back the cost of the item that way. There’s the chance you won’t earn a penny, but there’s also the chance you’ll earn enough (at least over time) to return some of what you paid for the item to you. If you play your cards right (bank cards, that is) you may find your online writing pays back several times the cost of the little item you bought. More guilt can be alleviated if you buy an item that results in a donation to a cause. Speaking of playing your cards right, you may also earn cash back or other benefits by using some bank cards.

Another Obligatory Warning (Hey, my obvious appreciation of, and skill with, shopping therapy may suggest I'm not a responsible individual; but I'm nothing, if not responsible (as my obligatory warnings clearly show):

Don’t put anything on a credit card you aren’t going pay for right away. It may feel as if buying on a credit card means “free stuff”, but – really – it isn’t, and this is where your shopping therapy can ultimately make you more miserable than you already are. Also, never dip “just a little” into savings for shopping therapy. Pay day is either days, weeks, or a month away. Remain miserable until pay day. (What’s another few days or couple of weeks when you’re this miserable, anyway.) But what if you’re on a tight budget and don’t think you can pay for shopping therapy without dipping into savings or using your credit card? Three words: Skim off your groceries. Let’s be honest – fruits, vegetables, and healthy grains (which are what you should be eating anyway) are among the least expensive things on your grocery list. You really don’t need the high-priced cleaning items or snack foods. Besides, food doesn’t equal love or happiness – shopping does!!

4. Think of all the "bad" or "negative" or "destructive" things other people do in this world (murdering other people, robbing banks, stealing cars, being mean, road-raging, getting addicted to alcohol or drugs, or anything else you can think of); and ask yourself if buying some little thing online warrants all the guilt you were feeling before you justified, rationalized, legitimized, and otherwise talked yourself into believing buying something you really need is a great thing to do.

Do imagine whole scenarios about how much more fun and how much better your presently miserable life will be once you get that item you buy. For example, maybe you never gave much thought to owning a little coffee grinder. Sure, there was that time when you accidentally bought beans, rather than ground, coffee; and sure, there was that time years ago when someone gave you a bag of coffee beans as a gift; but you've pretty much been happy with a can of grocery store coffee each week. If a coffee grinder catches your eye when you start to scan for things of interest, imagine whole scenarios involving you serving your guests freshly ground, gourmet, coffee in special cups and with special napkins and only the finest baked treats.

Do ask yourself how on Earth you've lived without whatever the item in question is.

Do wonder how anyone on Earth could ever live without this crucial item.

Don't let already having one of whatever it is stop you from buying one you like better. (You can always put away the old one in case the new one breaks; or you can give it to your cheap friend who really won't spend a dime on anything as important as this item is.)

Do wait until you're alone in the house to start your journey into the world of "what-you-can-buy". It feels more evil that way.

Do spend a long, long, time looking over all the products over and over again.

Don't limit your looking to just one category. Keep browsing as many departments as there are, in which you have even the smallest interest.

Do keep in mind that the online shopping therapy process usually goes like this:

1. You decide you're so miserable you have to "take some action", but the only action you can take is to decide to look for something to buy.

2. You start browsing and have that feeling of expectation, as you see where your browsing (or the site) leads you.

3. A few things catch your eye, and the seed of what you may buy becomes planted.

4. You start to feel good that you'll be getting something (you don't know what it is yet) that will brighten your miserable day just a little.

5. You start to more closely go over the things that caught you eye, eliminating them for reasons such as being out of stock, high shipping charges, or discovering there's a better one you'd really like to have but it costs far more than even your margin and "absolute margin" for your spending limit.

6. You zero on something, starting to sense that you "mean business" at this point.

7. You start to realize you really, really, want one item.

8. You escape into the big decision about which color you want or whether you really want one (of whatever it is) with a shoulder strap, one that comes with ways to snap on a different color, or one that got only 3 stars even though it's the one you really want in spite of that.

9. You click "add to cart" (and may click "remove from cart" and "add to cart" several times before clicking "proceed to checkout").

10. You click "confirm", and the deed is done.

11. Don’t be concerned if you experience 3 or 4 seconds of feeling delighted and horrified at the same time. This temporary rise in mixed emotions comes from the heady feeling of power that click-shopping brings, combined with the guilt of acting on an instinct that tells you the happiness you’ve recently found so elusive can be temporarily found with something as shallow as buying something.

12. Whether it’s the Winter blue, PMS, or your less-than-delightful-spouse contributing to your recent miserable-ness, be forewarned that immediately after making your purchase you may become overcome with impatience that the item can’t be on your doorstep right now. Stop thinking about the item at this point. UPS, FedEx, and the US Postal service are amazingly quick; but as mind-boggling powerful and wonderful as a company like Amazon is, the ability to “beam stuff” to homes isn’t something they yet have. Tuck the thought of the wonderful and evil thing you’ve just done in the back of your mind, temporarily content to know you’ve “taken some action” in your otherwise dreary and depressing life. Even with temporarily forgetting about what you bought, you may notice an ever-so-slight improvement in your mood as early as within hours of the purchase.

13. Keep in mind that even with the miracle of next-day delivery, it often takes as much as two business days (unless you selected Saturday delivery) or more to receive your item. (One of the most shocking and amazingly wonderful events of my life – and one I still talk about to this day – was the time I ordered something at 2:00 p.m., Thursday, from Amazon, got the e.mail notice that the item was a mere two towns away from me at 9:00 p.m. and was at my door by 11:30 a.m. Friday morning. This is awfully, awfully, close to being able to beam stuff to your door, but don’t allow an incident like this to lead you to believe all items will arrive days before you expected and as if Santa Clause showed up on December 22.)

14. When your item does arrive, needless to say, you’ll feel a quick improvement in your previously blah mood. Keep in mind that the earlier excitement of doing an “evil” deed, “finding a small joy in life”, and waiting for the closure that item-arrival brings will have dissipated. You’ll most likely spend a few minutes enjoying your new item and looking it over before you set it aside and go back to your usual blah mood (albeit with an ever-so-difficult-to-detect improvement in it, as well as a sense of satisfaction, closure, and minor happiness).

Note: Electronic gadgets can help you extend the joy of receiving your item substantially longer, because they take longer to get to know, often have an attractive styling that makes you happy whenever you look at them, and can, of course, bring to your life whatever electronic niftiness you didn’t have in it before your recent purchase. Small kitchen appliances bring with them the job of having to “wash thoroughly” first, so you may want to choose an item that doesn’t involve more work in your otherwise dreary life. Buying clothes is not recommended. First, clothes aren’t as much fun as other stuff is. Second, there’s always the chance they won’t fit and will send you careening into the depths of disappointment (not something a person in your rotten mood needs).

Some criteria that may help you get the most from whatever it is you buy are whether the item will let you do something you haven’t been able to do until now (like something that will make enjoying your “therapeutic” music easier, or something that will help you organize something else in your life a little better.). Things like making listening to music easier or things that help organize something can be secondary benefits from shopping therapy, because music is, as I said, therapeutic; and getting more organized usually makes anyone feel better.

You may also want to consider whether an item helps you do something for someone else a little more easily. Food-preparation items can help you offer family members or friends a something nice in the way of a special meal. Decorative items can brighten the house for everyone else with whom you share it – not just you. There are, of course, benefits to buying something that only you will enjoy (after all, everyone who feels miserable can use a little treat that’s just for themselves). Equally, though, if your family or friends benefit from whatever you decide to buy there’s a benefit in that for you, as well. (In other words, it doesn’t really matter what you buy as long as you’re happy buying it and as long as it isn’t clothes or something that costs a real lot to ship.) Keep in mind, too, that physically large items that appeal to you today often become eyesores that ruin your life tomorrow, so that’s another reason to stay away from the items that cost a lot to ship (and leave you with a giant box you have to cut up and flatten, because your trash collectors expect all large cartons to be neatly tied up with just the right kind of twine – which is one of those little aggravations in life that has contributed to your blah and exhausted mood in the first place).

So, the next time you’re miserable (and aren’t most of us at least a little miserable a lot of the time, with a huge number of us being extremely miserable all the time), ask yourself whether there’s something really wrong with you or whether, instead, whatever is wrong is something your overall life and/or other people are causing; and then ask the following question: Do you really need to see a therapist to either “just vent” or else to figure out what it is that’s at the root of your problem? Probably not. Chances are you know exactly what the root of your problem is, and if you’re like most reasonably normal adults you know what it would take to fix it. You also know, though, that fixing some things (especially those associated with family members, jobs, or most other aspects of life that can have a big impact on our happiness) may take time or further planning.

Is spending a ton or money (or getting your health-insurance paperwork together) to re-hash your problems with someone who isn’t going to be able to do anything about them really going to be of any help? Do you really want to risk some of the serious side-effects of anti-depressants and/or tranquilizers (and get involved with thinking about how to pay for them) when the thing that’s making you miserable is that your mean mother-in-law is recuperating from surgery at your house (it’s that or the having her in a nursing home) or that your teen is doing stuff that’s worrying, aggravating and/or otherwise upsetting you? Whether it’s your job (which pays your mortgage) that’s making you miserable, or the fact that you’re drowning in debt even with those up-to-date mortgage payments are these good reasons to risk the side effects of medication – when just the right dose of shopping therapy can brighten your day (a few days) enough to nurture your tired soul just a little and let you have one of those “small joys in life” that everyone talks about. (Let’s be honest – there’s really on so much joy anyone can get out of smelling a few roses, and, really, a person in your shoes has already smelled more coffee than anyone ought to smell in a lifetime.)

And so, as I look forward to the arrival of my pink, Susan B. Koman, portable DVD player on Tuesday (the second business day after I placed the order); and as I imagine the possibility that it will actually arrive on Monday and surprise me, I’ll wind down this discussion of shopping therapy. (One benefit I failed to mention was that talking/writing about how useful and helpful shopping therapy can be can sometimes further extend the sense of entitlement and joy derived from the act of clicking “checkout”, itself.)

By the way, the voices in my head are asking where I found a DVD player somewhere in the range of my under $20 (and occasionally slightly over) spending limit, and/or whether DVD player prices can really be considered "modest spending" by the average person. In other words, the voices in my head feel the need to explain that I had gift cards and added some of my own money for the purchase. The way I see it, the people who gave me those cards would want me to be happy, and by adding my own money for the purchase that gave me a little more "responsibility" for my own happiness. I guess an important thing about our own happiness is that we need to feel a little responsible for it. It's nice if someone else tries to make us happy, but relying on other people over the long haul doesn't cut it. When we're miserable for one reason or another, it really can help to take back some sense of control over our own happiness (or even just "feeling-a-little-better-ness"). That's the thing about the voices in our heads - it's not as easy to shut them up as we sometimes think. (Gee, maybe I ought to find a therapist other than the retail-sales variety....).

Do I really need that portable DVD player (which I may watch within feet of my main television, which is already connected to a non-portable DVD)? Of course not! That’s the whole point of shopping therapy. The thing is, though, it’s the end of January, and my Winter blahs have been around long enough to be close to driving me insane. On top of that, I’ve been living with a miserable knee injury since around Christmas; and I’m just plain sick of it. I’m looking at some left-over Christmas decorations that haven’t made their way into the basement because my knee won’t do stairs these days, and nobody else, apparently, “sees any emergency”. Besides being the ridiculous and out-of-character-for-me metallic pink that this DVD player is, it allows me to imagine days in the not-too-distant future, when I’ll be able to follow my work-out DVD’s in any of room of the house (ANY room of the house, I say). Besides being able to let a family member borrow it if they want (although they already have their own portable DVD players – let’s not lie about this), I’ll be able to plaster my face up against the little screen, as I sit with my miserable leg extended out beyond the dining table and watch whatever I feel like watching, as I disappear into my own little private world, where I can find some shred of joy that is mine and nobody else’s by watching whatever Disney film or documentary I feel like watching (without sickening or boring anyone else in the house).

So, OK, maybe I haven’t really been leaving the house much these days, and maybe I don’t really need to have anything that isn’t tethered to my house with cables, bolts, or anything else that suggests lack of mobility and freedom; but that’s the beauty of shopping therapy. It allows a person to look forward to a more pleasant day, to imagine possibilities, to get back in touch with the self that life may have made him forget a little, and experience the simple pleasure of getting something new (and in a color that doesn’t make a bit of sense for one’s otherwise sensible and practical nature).

As I revel in the guilt and ridiculous-ness of buying something which I – in all honesty – could very easily live without, and in buying something for no reason, really, other than the fact that it’s cute; I have to say I’m pretty happy today. How many people get THAT kind of result a day or so after a therapist’s visit or even a couple of weeks into being on medication?

Yes, I admit it. WalMart.com and Amazon.com are my therapists, and it doesn’t take a lot of time spent with them to see some real results. No, these companies won’t solve your problems if you have left-over issues from childhood or else mental health problems that really do require medications; but, trust me, my miserable-ness level has been pretty high recently; and yet today I’m as happy as any otherwise sensible grown-up with a metallic pink, portable DVD player she doesn’t really need; as well as a sense of being just a little bit foolish, wild, crazy, generally ridiculous, and just the slightest bit self-indulgent. Sure, I’m guessing that in a few weeks I’ll probably be back online, looking for a case for my portable DVD player (because, after all, the fact that it won’t have a case will be eating away at me until I get one) – but that’s shopping therapy for another day. Maybe in a couple of weeks I’ll write a review (or something else) about the new DVD player, in the hopes of earning back a little of what I paid for it. In the meantime, I’ll continue to remind my otherwise sensible self that sometimes we have to forget about all those things that really matter in life and, instead, focus a little on the foolish and unimportant things that can sometimes nurture a soul in surprisingly important ways.