Teens and Stress - How Parents Can Help Reduce Teens' Stress

Stress is as much a part of teens' lives as it is of adults' lives. While the sources of that stress may be different the consequences of it are, at times, the same as they are for adults. At other times teens' emotional immaturity can contribute to particularly serious consequences.

There is school. Kids who are achievers in school have the pressure involved with being high achievers. Kids who underachieve have the guilt and pressure of their inability to make themselves achieve. There are kids who have to struggle, and being one of those kids in the teen years can be particularly stressful. Rightfully so, teachers and administrators expect teens to take responsibility for themselves. While teens can find it nice to be "treated as adults" in secondary school there are times when the fact that they are not adults makes being treated as one stressful.

Teenagers usually want to be popular at school, but only a very small percentage of kids can be in that small, elite, group that is known as the "In Crowd". As a result, the majority of teens are not in that crowd. Many wish they could be. Even though kids usually find their own group of friends there can be pressure to be "cool" among those friends, whether or not an activity or clothing style is really the teen's preference. There are those teens who struggle to make friends, so they go through their school years feeling left out and lonely. When kids find a close friend or two it can help them enjoy their teen years, but even then the two or three close friends often get together to commiserate about whatever their perceived inadequacies are.

We live in a world that dumps teenage issues onto adolescent children who aren't ready and adult issues onto teenagers who aren't emotionally ready for them. Many teenagers have families with troubles - some more serious than others. "The World" aside, teens are at age when they must figure out who they are, what they believe, what they want in life, etc. On top of that, they often have hair that just won't do what is required to have the most fashionable hairstyle, complexions that just won't stay clear, waists and thighs that are too thick, or awkward lankiness that makes them stand conspicuously above all the "normal" kids.

While the teen years can be a lot of fun much of the time, there can be a lot of pressure, dissatisfaction, and stress. Most kids get through those years (the way most of us did) and find less inner turmoil on the other side. Some, though, make the mistake of seeking fun or escape in activities that can derail them for years to come.

How then can parents help reduce stress during those tumultuous years? I think one important thing is to keep home a place where teens can still be the same them they've always been. While they are on their journey of growing out of their childhood their childhood home life and traditions shouldn't necessarily change with them. Sure, they don't believe in Santa Claus, but leaving their gifts as always can still be kind of nice. Maybe they aren't going Trick or Treating any longer, but finding a few special things to do on a holiday like Halloween can help them see that being older doesn't mean losing some of those special things.

Making it a point to have several family dinners together a week helps remind teens that everything from childhood hasn't disappeared. Keeping in touch with aunts, uncles, and cousins helps remind kids that life hasn't completely changed. Making it a point to spend one/one time with a son or daughter offers a nice way to have "quality time" and stay close.

Parents need, also, to choose their battles wisely. Kids have people on the back everywhere they go. Most of us have heard some version of, "back off". The truth is that parents do sometimes just back off a little. Parents have it in their power to make home a place where kids can just relax, but many parents are unrelenting in their demands that teens take on additional responsibilities at home. Of course, part of family life is to help one another; but some parents really do pile too much of their own responsibilities onto their teen - simply because the teen is now a teen.

The way I always saw it, I had cleaned my own house and taken care of the dishes and my youngest children for years. Continuing to see my teenagers as my children meant doing those things a little longer, but I was the one who signed on for the house and the kids - not my teenagers. Teenagers are often looking at going to college, having their own, or finding work in the very near future. Most of them want very much to build a good future and aren't sure they have what it takes. At this time in their life they usually believe their "care-free" days are numbered. (I can't tell you how often I heard that from each of my three teens.) Backing off on some of the "requests" gives them a little break.

When my kids were teens I had some basic rules about cleaning up after oneself. Because they had been raised (I like to think) as decent, caring, people they would just automatically offer to help when the occasion arose. Assigning them regular chores and expecting them to watch younger siblings too often is, in my opinion, more than they can handle emotionally. They feel pressured and can become resentful of parents and the younger siblings.

Speaking of younger siblings, parents need to reduce their harassment of their teen sibling and make sure they aren't allowed to get into the teen's belongings. I'm not suggesting getting a restraining order on the younger kids, but a few rules and a few expectations of mutual respect among siblings goes a long way. Aggravated, irritated, teens' remarks aren't great for younger siblings, so if some degree of space can be given to all involved time with siblings can be enjoyed more.

Parents need to try to encourage teens to talk about what's going on in their life (although most teens will only say so much). Even with that, though, parents can still offer their well reasoned thoughts related to their values. Whether or not kids will talk, parents do need to keep talking. Kids are more interested in listening when the conversation has not zeroed in on them and when, instead, it is a more general discussion about values, issues, and principles. When parents' view make good sense kids do listen a good part of the time. Even if they don't listen, however, teens can still feel as if their parents value them enough to talk to them about life.

Talk to them, too, about your own growing pains as a parent. When kids understand what you're going through there is often less resentment and misunderstanding. When you talk about what you're going through you're also an example of how adults can communicate openly. Less resentment and misunderstanding means more harmony at home, as well as less inner turmoil, so open communication can, in itself, help reduce some tension and stress.

Do nice things for your teen. Some parents confuse doing nice, little, things for their older son or daughter with "babying them". Grown-ups do nice, little, things for one another all the time. Being nice doesn't mean "babying".

Try, when possible, to eliminate some of the sources of stress from their "outside world". If "all the kids are doing" something positive try to make sure your son or daughter doesn't suffer the pains of feeling left out (if at all possible). Parents tend to be afraid of "all the kids are doing it". There's the old joke about, "If all the kids jumped off a bridge...". If all the kids are drinking at a party obviously the "jumped-off-a-bridge" thing is appropriate. If, however, all the girls are getting a new dress for the one-and-only tenth-grade semi-formal try not to let your teen daughter be the only one who doesn't get a new dress (even if that means cutting down on frozen food for a few weeks but not mentioning that to your daughter). When teens know that they can count on their parents to pull through and solve a few problems they stay closer and remember it forever. I'm not talking about fighting all their battles for them, but most parents know that there are times when parents have it in their power to come to the rescue and make life a little less stressful for a teen.

While teens don't like to be smothered in motherly affection, finding ways to off-handedly mention how much you love, respect, or admire your teen reminds them that they are still incredibly treasured as people.

Finally, make it a point to laugh together each day. Laughing alters brain chemicals and helps reduce stress. More importantly, laughing together keeps people close.

The years between 13 and 19 involve dramatic changes for teens. (Even after 19 their brains and bones will still be developing for another few years.) Teens are mature in some ways and not in other ways, and the discrepancies can cause a whole lot of stress. They need to know that their growth process will involve their growing away from the childhood from whence they came - and not that their childhood, parents, home, and life in general have crumbled behind them as they've grown. There will be a time to roll up the old rugs and pack away the Winnie the Pooh that has been collecting dust. The teen years, though, are a time for waiting, watching, being there, and being their port in the storm.