Moving Away From Home For The First Time And Worrying About Making Your Mother Feel Bad

Awhile back, I wrote a Hub on grown kids moving out of their parent's/parents' home. More than one comment came from young people who wanted to move out, or who were planning to move out, but who were concerned about how it would make their mother (or parents) feel. These were all people who said they were close to their mother (or parents) and said they didn't "want to make their mother feel bad". This isn't a matter that has just shown up on that Hub, though. It's something people I've known personally have dealt with, and it's something I dealt with myself, both as a daughter and as the mother of two grown sons and a grown daughter.

Everyone is different, so I don't pretend to be qualified to speak on behalf of all other mothers in the world. I can only say this much, as a mother, who has always been close to her kids:

It's hard to describe, to anyone who doesn't have kids old enough to be of moving-out age, how a mother can have two sets of emotions going on at the same time, and yet also be fine with those two sets of emotions.

For me (and for others I've known who have gone through this stage), there's something really, really, nice about knowing my sons or daughter have been able to get their own place, live the way they want (and the way that most young adults want to live, which is on their own), and build their lives and futures. That's what people do, and it's a normal part of life. So, as a mother, it's pretty hard not to be pleased for my own kids or to see their moving out as a negative thing.

Also, being aware that living under the same roof isn't a prerequisite for staying close as a family or as mother-and-grown-kid, I didn't see their moving out as something that would threaten or weaken my relationship with them whatsoever. When kids are grown (if things are as they should be), they're often independent in their thinking and doing things for themselves regardless of whether they live under a parent's roof; so, to me, their shift to paying their own electric bills wasn't some big, Earth-shattering, shift in my relationship with them. Also, the natural shift in the ways kids need parents had already taken place as each child had grown, I had grown, and our relationship had shifted toward being one of "parent who does things for her child" to the more grown-up kind of relationships parents have with their kids.

When that shift in the relationship takes place (and it can be every, every, bit as powerful and solid as the earlier relationship - often more so), mothers are just naturally, in a lot of ways, prepared for it. It's what they expected, and it's what they've assumed has been going to happen "one of these days soon".

For me, it has always, always, been the powerful and permanent love I have for my kids that acts as my "anchor" and "guide" when it comes to managing my own half of the emotional equation.

Did I know I would miss them? Yes. Have I missed them when they've first moved out? Horribly - yes. At the same time, what got me through missing them when it came to things like no longer picking up the green tea that "so-and-so" likes at the store, or when it came to having an ear toward the driveway when I knew someone would be coming home, was being happy for them, knowing they were happy, and even knowing I was enough of a grown-up and a solid and strong enough mother not to let "a little thing like missing the day-to-day activity in the house" be too much of a problem for me.

To me, the one thing I really wanted my kids to know was that they never have to worry about me (as long as they're healthy and happy and not doing anything that could destroy their futures - because an unhappy or unhealthy son or daughter, or one who seems on the road to destroying his chances of a great future is what truly does make mothers feel horribly worried and heartbroken). I think most mothers will tell you they're "all about what's healthy and happy and the normal things in life" when it comes to what mothers want for their kids. Most normal, loving, mothers will tell you that if there's one thing they always want their kids to know, it's that they (mothers) are always going to be grown-ups, solid, strong, and "there" for their kids if there ever comes a time when they need them.

As for the missing each grown son or daughter right after they moved out (and for a little bit of stretch following it), I, personally, looked for positive aspects of my own feeling "free as a bird" (up to a point, because no mother will ever feel truly free as a bird) in day-to-day life. I stopped myself from ever feeling too "down" about the situation because I reminded myself of how happy I was for my son or daughter. I also reminded myself that whether or not someone lives under the same roof as I do, that doesn't stop me (or them) from knowing that I'll always be here if they need me.

One of things mothers learn along the way (sometimes sooner than they should) is that we (grown-ups) can't always prevent sadness for the people we love most. It's one of the most awful things we mothers learn along the way, and it is with making peace with not being able to stop someone else from feeling sad (whether or not that sadness is big or small, and whether it will pass soon or never really pass) that we learn how to deal with a sadness that's so much more painful than the simple, almost minor, temporary, sadness of a missing a child who just moves to another residence and starts to build his own life