Men, Women, and Grocery Shopping

Last week I was in my second home, the local supermarket, when I heard a very bewildered man asking where he could find whipped cream to go with the bakery pie he had. The blank-faced employee he asked wasn't quite sure, but I was. I wanted to ask him exactly what kind of whipped cream he wanted, so I could tell him exactly where he could find it. (If he wanted cream for whipping that could be found on the top shelf in Dairy, about three feet over from the quarts of milk. If he wanted Ready Whip, in either original or chocolate flavor, that could be found in the front refrigerator case, just past the eggs and Smart Balance, and right under the Jello snack-pak puddings. On the other hand, did he want Cool Whip or the store's version of it? That, of course, could be found in the freezer along the wall, past the ice cream and just above the frozen berries. Did he want the sugar-free variety? Chocolate? French vanilla? French vanilla is on the top shelf, closer to the ice cream.) Before I could decide whether offering my assistance would be butting in or not, the man took off on his quest.

That is the difference between a woman at the grocery store and a man.

The grocery store is usually a woman's second home (particularly when that woman is a mother). Women know where the bread crumbs can be found. Women know that there's not only olive oil on the olive oil shelf, but there's a separate olive oil display near the produce Department. Women know that just because there's no milk left in the dairy case that doesn't mean there's no milk in the store. There is always the case that sells little milks near the store's sandwich shop. There is soy milk in both the natural foods aisle and the milk flavorings aisle, as well as the dairy case. Women know about the little boxes of chocolate milk that can be found in the juice box aisle, and near the soy milk (and women know, too, to watch out for real milk versus "milk flavored drink"). Women even know the difference between condensed milk, evaporated, Slim Fast and the many varieties of baby formula (canned, bottled, and powdered). Speaking of powdered milk, women know where to find powdered milk and not to ever buy that.

Women know where to find Bell's seasoning, organic orange juice (not in the juice box aisle, juice bottles aisle, or dairy case), matches, WD40, and birthday candles. Women know the difference between every kind of canned tomato sauce, every kind of sugar (including Sugar in the Raw). Women know that cheap paper towels are ok for some things, and they know which things. Women know which beverages have Splenda, which have aspertame, and which have either no sugar or tons of sugar.

Women don't have to think in the grocery store. They can plop a baby in the child seat, a toddler in the main part of the carriage, have their eight-year-old hop on the front and ride - and think of something to give all of them to keep them entertained. Women know everyone who works in the store and half the people who shop there. Women are not always, however, pillars of efficiency. They are known to congregate with other women and have long conversations, in spite of being in other shoppers' way. They do, however, know enough to keep their carriages politely to the side.

Women know the prices of everything, when something went up in price, and whether or not it is likely to return to the previous price. Women know which generic products are as good as brand names and which aren't worth a nickel. Women have their usual route and don't have to think much before grabbing the same old groceries, week after week.

Men are a whole different kind of shopper. While the grocery store is home away from home for women, it is Wonderland for men. If it isn't clear whether a person is a man or a woman notice how s/he moves upon entering the store. Women don't linger long near the impulse-buy displays. Women walk, almost like high-speed robots, straight to Aisle 1. Men (bless their hearts - they'll often let women enter the store ahead of them) get inside the door and kind of mill around in wonderment for a little while. ("Let's see, do I need a carriage? Should I take one of those plastic hand baskets instead? Where are those? Oh - they have newspapers. Should I get a newspaper? I need stamps. I wonder if they sell stamps here. Where would they sell stamps?")

Once men get their bearings they take their little hand basket or shopping cart and tentatively head toward the first aisle. In my store it happens that the egg case is across the front of the first aisle, and the rest of the dairy department runs along the wall adjacent to it. Women are said to have no sense of direction, but - boy oh boy - women seem to instinctively know how to zero in on where the milk is in any store. Men, on the other hand, gravitate toward the very beginning of the refrigerator cases along the walls and just keep walking until they run into the milk. Men seem to have no concept of grocery store set-up. For example, if you see eggs you know margarine and butter aren't far away. If you see Pillsbury Slice-and-Bake cookies don't even bother thinking there could be milk nearby. Also, don't be looking for milk near cheese. Milk and cheese aren't together (and, by the way, women know that there are at least three different areas of the store where cheese can found - and that's not including the Parmesan, Parmesan and Romano, or Parmesan with cellulose, located near the pasta).

Men also have no sense of grocery-store organization. Even those who know how to find milk, bread, and diapers cannot be trusted to find toothpicks, batteries, or veggie slices. Do not ask a man to pick up Manhattan clam chowder. You'll get New England, or you'll get Minestrone soup (because he was absolutely sure the store just didn't have Manhattan clam chowder, so he thought Minestrone soup was the next best thing). Men can be fooled by the price of store brand items too. A man is very likely to see the store's own raisin bread, notice the great price, and actually believe the product may not taste like cotton or paper.

Men have difficulty buying the small-sized items, even when they've been requested to buy small. Men are taken in with their understanding of unit pricing, but they also like to buy huge quantities of things so they won't have to return to the store too soon. Women often know they would pay less per unit if they bought the huge load of whatever it is, but women often also know that the family won't eat that much soon enough; and a lot of wasted will occur. Women (often the house-keepers of the family) are also not thrilled to have huge-sized packages of things that require finding yet more storage space.

As they wander and mill aimlessly in Supermarket Land, men often decide to educate themselves. After all, as long as they're in this store they may as well read up on some ingredients. Men can turn a trip in for milk, bread, and veggie slices into a reading fest. While men have had plenty of opportunity to stop in to read labels , they choose to read labels on the same trip when they have shopping to do. Men don't just read labels. They study them. They don't just study them. They study the label of every brand of the same product.

While most men can become accustomed to getting the same few items time and again, needing to get anything different can throw them off. This is why so many men don't appear to have any clearcut route through the store. Men may know how to run to the baby formula, grab the diapers, run to the orange juice, and then go get a head of lettuce. They will postpone finding that unusual item until they have picked up the items they've managed to master. (Speaking of orange juice - always specify whether you want pulp or don't. Men don't usually know to look at the pulp factor.) Once men get the familiar stuff they will then try to tackle the odd item they've never been asked to buy before. ("Wondra? What's Wondra?" "A Hershey bar? They don't have Hershey bars. They only have whole bags of little Hershey candies. I'll get a whole bag." "Teriyaki sauce? I wonder if that's the same as soy sauce. Hey, look - they have low sodium soy sauce. That's probably better. I'll get that." "I don't see chicken rice soup, but there's chicken noodle. That must be what she meant." )

Men often have not learned that all shoppers are expected to keep their carriages to one side of the aisle. Men are known to leave their carriages unattended, as they go off and read labels. Men with kids don't usually put the kids in the carriage. (Would you put your children in a shopping cart in Disneyland?) When men have children with them they treat the excursion as an outing with the kids, so they spend a lot of time talking and entertaining the children as they make their way through the store. They push the carriage and then ride it for a little while. They think that's cute or fun (or something). It's really just annoying. Women treat grocery shopping with kids as something that must be done before doing something else that will be fun. Women treat grocery shopping as no-nonsense business.

With all their foibles, however, men are actually lovely grocery-store shoppers. Men are more likely to open doors for women with kids. Men are more likely to offer women their place in the check-out line. Men are, though, less likely than women to make babies in carriage smile (I think they're afraid someone will think they're weirdos). Men often don't take up everyone's time using coupons. Men make a bigger deal out of selecting apples than women do. (I think they see it as a big responsibility, or else they're just fussbudgets about apples. Men in grocery stores smile more than women do. (Actually, I sometimes wonder if some men see the grocery store as place to meet women.)

Men in baseball caps tend to have shopping lists from wives. They also seem more frazzled and grouchy. Men in suits and coats seem to pay attention to whether women notice them, and they seem to notice women more as well.

There is one thing I wish men wouldn't do: I wish they wouldn't ask me if I think their wife wants the Honey Nut Cheerios or plain, old, Cheerios. I don't know and have no way of ever knowing. As a woman, I may know just about everything there is to know about my grocery store - but, gentlemen, I just have no idea what kind of Cheerios your wife was hoping you'd know to buy.