Life without parents- How to cope?

Lisa HW Hub Author 4 years ago

Kiran, it's funny you should say that. One of my three children happens to have been adopted from infancy. I think the same as you do. :)

Lisa HW Hub Author 3 years ago

Sona, although I have not been in your exact circumstances, I know exactly how you feel (and most people who have had a few awful losses do too). What you say is so much exactly what so many people feel - including the the thing about not praying.

I was 21 when my father died (at 62), and my brother was only in his teens. I had my mother until she was 77 (1995 - we have something in common). I was middle aged when my mother died, and it was all those years ago; but even though I'm used to it, it is not easy. It hasn't been long at all for your father. I have found (I hate to say this) that it seems to take about 5 years to really start to feel normal after such a loss. It gets better with each year, but I don't even think you start to feel better until you get closer to at least the second year.

Not that I think it will help, but in August 2008 I wrote my own version of "how to deal with grief. It's on a blog aimed at people older than you are, but it isn't written just for older people. If you were to click on my profile, find the link for "No Senior Coffee", you would see it. (I had been through so much I thought I had picked up a little "expertise" that I could share.)

What you say about giving up praying is what a lot of people say too. The way I see it, if God exists He'll understand why you're angry at Him. If He doesn't exist, then - nobody needs to understand. Most people generally believe that even if God exists, He doesn't do things like stop the person who hit your father (as if that person were a puppet on strings). The other day I just wrote a Hub (in answer to a request), "Does something good always come from something bad" (under "life" on my Hub profile). I don't know if any of my "ponderings" would be of any use to you. I'm not trying to push my writing, and I doubt have much to say that will help. Still, I know how things can get; and - I don't know - I suppose, maybe, I think some of my personal "muddling through" and figuring out coping skills may useful to someone.

In any case, it will get better. It's really too soon for you to expect to feel any more "ok" after losing your father; and the fact that it was accident makes it that much more complicated. Losing a mother is always a big, complicated, thing too. On top of it, losing the parent you went through losing the other parent with (and got used to having as your one remaining parent), has its own set of "issues" too.

I am sorry to know that you have this situation. It may sound corny and over-simplified, but sometimes all you can do is try to keep yourself thinking about other people/things, and kind of "tucking away" thoughts of all the sadness/loss - at least until enough time has passed to be able to "drag them out" and process them, when they're "older".

Lisa HW Hub Author 3 years ago

Sona, sorry to know that you feel miserable. As the person who has tried to find the words to help some people feel better as such times, I know that sometimes words just don't do the trick. Even so, I'm putting the link you asked about, and a few others, below. I don't really know why there were problems accessing it.

Not that I think anything I've written can be of any help to anyone at all, but I'm also posting another link - just in case there's even a shred of any helpful ideas in it.

None of us likes to think of others feeling miserable in this life, so I sincerely hope you find some way to find ways to get through this rough time, just while time has the chance to do the job of healing. Thoughts go out to you.

Lisa HW Hub Author 3 years ago

Sona, sorry I didn't mention this earlier.  I believe HubPages prohibits posting links to our own material in our Hubs, and I don't know your e.mail address to send it.  I'm honored that you're looking for it and don't really know why you had trouble accessing it. 

If you're still interested in finding the article, I just posted that one and a few others on my "Lisa's Collection" blog.  If you go to my profile, here, on HubPages (just click on my name or else select "profile"), then scroll down to the second link, "Lisa's Collection" - click on that, and you'll get a page of a few articles that you may find "apply" to your situation.  I don't know if they'll be helpful, but I did just post them all on that page for you. 

Not that you want to be bothered with this, and not that it will be particularly entertaining or "fun"; but I created a different blog (Lisa Light) with the idea of trying to add just light stuff and entertainment.  I'm honestly not trying to "push" the blog.  I just thought, because it has silly/light music on it, a bunch of pleasant entertainment videos (at the bottom) and some comedy videos (farther down at the bottom); you may find something a little cheerful to brighten your day.  The writing is either just silliness or else on the lighter side.  I'm not even suggesting reading any of it.  It's just the light, happy, music and videos that I think are pleasant and nice, that I thought you may enjoy. 

Anyway, thank you again for requesting the link.  Again, I think I know how you feel.  Sorry I didn't post this earlier; but it took a little while for me to add the stuff to the blog, so you can access it (at least I hope). 

Not to discourage you from reading what I think is a seriously thought-out, personal, Hub about my own bad experiences; but before you read it, thinking there will be a message about there always being good that comes out of bad (and then being disappointed), I want to say upfront that the Hub doesn't offer such a clear message as that.   

Lisa HW Hub Author 2 years ago

Grammagil, thanks for sharing. The number of people who grow up without parents (or at least without having them in their lives very much) can seem overwhelming. My children's grandmother grew up in an orphanage with her four siblings because their parents died in the flu epidemic at the beginning of the century. When she became a mother herself she was so aware of giving her children a "regular" childhood. She ended up having 6 beautiful grandchildren. I do think it's important to focus on what we have rather than what we don't have. Just about everybody doesn't have something in his life, (unfortunately).

Lisa HW Hub Author 2 years ago

jabyrd82, thanks.

Lisa HW Hub Author 2 years ago

reeltaulk, thanks for contributing your thoughts. :) If you write that Hub, and if you would like, feel free to contact me; and I'll put a link on this Hub to yours.

This Hub was written in response to a request; and at the time I couldn't just ignore the request. While I could write from the perspective of now living without living parents, I could not write from the perspective of not growing up with wonderful parents. I had my wonderful father until I was 21, and I was fortunate enough to have my loving mother until I was 41. So, I think it would be a great idea to write that Hub you mentioned (and let me know if you want me to link to it from here).

Lisa HW Hub Author 2 years ago

catherine, thank you for sharing your story here. I'm sorry to read about such loss. Your comments have inspired me to write a Hub that addresses the issue of children without parents from a more "formal" perspective than this Hub (which I wrote in response to someone's individual request) is. I need to put together some research, of course.

I think when someone dies young and when the "key survivors" are young there can be that element of the loss seeming to "grow" (even though grief may or may not) as we get older. Not to compare this with the loss of the a father, but I was in an accident that killed my 20-old girlfriend. The whole thing was awful and seemed like a giant loss (and all that), and then I went on to "get past it". When I got old enough to have my own kids turn 20 I started to see how young 20 really is, and then I started to go over all the things my friend didn't get to go on and have in life. It's as if, as time goes on, we get to really see (and not just imagine) what a person (or we) missed.

Lisa HW Hub Author 2 years ago

JSC, I'm so sorry to hear such an awful story. There's no doubt about it that it's unfair. In a way I'm reluctant to even try to offer some thoughts here, because I know that your situation isn't one that I'm really worthy of trying to offer something helpful on. As a mother, myself, I do feel some need to make a few comments; because I just hate to think of someone living with what you've had to live with. I can only draw on my own life experiences in trying to offer some thoughts, but please understand that I'm not comparing my own experiences to yours.

I know what you mean about that fear of losing someone close, like your aunt. I was in a car accident in which my closest girlfriend was killed, and a few months later my father died. I was just under 21 at the time, and I was left with that awareness that people can just be "taken" from us at any time. I had to learn to tell myself that "the rest of the world" lives with close friends and family members for long, long, lives without losing them until the time is more in keeping with what's normal. I had to also learn to tell myself that there was no point in worrying about something that might never happen. I just decided it wasn't a way to live a life, and if I lost someone else I'd deal with it. Something else is that my mother was sick when I was six years old. She got better, but I was left worrying about her dying throughout my whole childhood and early adulthood. It turned out I was over 40 when she eventually did die a 76, and I've always thought how I spent all those years with that worry in the back of my head - and I had her until I was old enough to be able to deal with losing her (as much as anyone can ever deal with losing a parent). Getting back to my own accident (and even my mother's illness), sometimes we have to ask ourselves if we want some "monster" (like such an event) to take yet more away from us than it already has.

One of my children now grown) is an adopted child, and the other two (also grown) are children I had myself. I know, first-hand, that my relationship with all three is every bit the same. So, while, on the one hand, I know your aunt is your aunt; and I have no doubt you're very close to her; on the other hand, (and I don't want to seem to be "playing down" the loss of your parents) I would hope you know that, in so many ways, you have had what so many other people have as children (that relationship with someone who has been, essentially, your mother, or mother-figure).

If I could travel back in time to when my own children were three, and if I ask what I'd want for them if I died, first I'd be sickened at the idea that I'd have to leave them without me, but I'd hope there was someone who would take very good care of them and love them and help them get through it. If I thought that one day they wouldn't really remember me I would't prefer that, of course, but I think I'd almost rather that than picture them longing for me throughout their childhood and later. I'd hope they knew how much I loved them, and how they made me my life so worth living, and I'd so much want them to get used to the loss and be able to know they had a right to find happiness and feel happiness. I would't want them to feel as if happiness wasn't meant for them. As a mother, one of the worst things in the world is to know that your child isn't happy. That's all any mother (or father) wants; and even though nobody can expect someone who isn't happy to "just be happy", if there's any way at all for you to know what having you and your brothers meant to your parents, and to know how much they would have wanted you to find some "mental peace" in knowing how whole and complete each child makes a parent's life, maybe it would feel a little more ok that you don't remember them the way you wish you did.

Again, as a mother myself, I think I'd rather my young children not remember me as well, rather than remember me really well and continue to miss me.

While I can't put myself in your place (because I had my two parents until I was grown; although I have to say that the longer I lived life with each of them, the harder it was, in ways, to get used to living life without them), I've had something happen in my life that involves losing years with someone that I should have had. I was an adult when it happened, but I still live with anger and sadness at knowing I can't get back what I "should have had". I'd feel better if I could, say, find whoever/whatever is responsible and, say, bash their head in; but there isn't any way to do such a thing (and, even if a person could be blamed, that's, of course, a ridiculous and unacceptable thing to imagine doing). What that means, though, is that I have no outlet for my anger. What I've learned, too, is that the longer we go with sadness "filling our head" I guess the brain chemicals we "get going" kind of put us under yet more influence of those "sadness chemicals". I think the answer is to find things to think about that add happier things to what's in our heads, because as happier thoughts enter our heads they eventually start to seem to push back the "gray" thoughts and make us feel a little brighter. This thing I've mentioned that I've been dealing with is something that I've recently, more and more, considered seeking professional advice about; because my usual positive thinking is having trouble shaking it. Because I know how challenging my own "issue" has been for me, even as someone well into middle age; I'm wondering if maybe you might want to consider talking to someone about your own difficulties dealing with your situation. You're young, needless to say. Also, people your age are often prone to some sadness associated, I guess, with the loss of childhood and sometimes the uncertainty of life as an adult. So, besides the thing with losing your parents, you're kind of at an age for some "feeling down" anyway. Maybe, too, as you get close to leaving your teens, there's some issue with being hit with the reality that your childhood has past, and it was what it was? Maybe you're actually dealing with coming to terms with the reality of what you now see you won't get to have with your parents?

Just some thoughts. I have no idea if any of them apply, or if they're at all helpful; but I know, as a mother, if you were my daughter I would so hope you could figure out what it will take to iron out the hurt, even if that means seeing someone with experience helping people in situations like yours. Knowing what I know about being your age and about having things in a childhood that weren't how they were "supposed to be", I have a feeling that what you're dealing with now is processing your loss from the standpoint of being where you are now,rather than processing it from where you were then. If your brothers are older than you they may have gone through something similar around your age. If they're younger they may have it ahead of them, if I'm correct in what I think could be going on.

This link is to a blog (sort of) that I have up because I wanted to send a message about drunk driving. My own accident story, and dealing with the loss of my young friend even decades later are covered in the stories I have on there. It's a pretty depressing blog, but there aren't really any "gory details". It's all about processing the loss over the course of my adult lifetime. Again, I'm not comparing your accident or your loss with my own; but I'm wondering if there may be something in what I've written that may ring some bell with you even if our experiences were extremely different. The seventh paragraph down in the first story is what I mostly have in mind, because I addressed what I think of as "secondary grief" (in my case, decades later).

Well, again, I don't know if anything I've said here is of any help; but your situation certainly seemed worth trying to help. People so often say, "You're young. You're in the best years of life, and you have your whole future ahead of you." In ways, that's, of course, true; but I think it takes all of us, no matter what loss or issues we have or haven't had

Lisa HW Hub Author 2 years ago

JSC, sincerest best wishes that what you're dealing with does eventually pass, at least to some extent, with time. I'm not deluding myself into believing I can say anything that will help you, but just because you are 18, I'm fairly certain a little more time may help you find some way to sort it all out and find a way to live "more comfortably" (if that's the right phrase) with all the awful loss that has gone on. There's no doubt it will always be a part of who you are, but I do wonder if/think that with some more time from now on, as compared to time before you ever reached 18, you may not feel as acutely "fragile" as you may now feel.

I'm not comparing my own experiences with loss and grief with yours, as a child; but I've had my runs of having so much horror and loss happen I didn't think I could deal with yet one more thing. Somehow, though, when one more thing happened I did deal with it, as I had before. Others who have been "whacked" with an unimaginable string of losses usually say the same thing.

You're right. Take it a day at a time. Those people you were so close to would not want you living in fear of more dying, because for everyone who has an untimely death there are "zillions" of others who live to be a hundred. What has always worked for me is to ask if I want what took away someone close to me to take yet more out of my life, and my answer has always been "no". With all your loss, though, and with being so young to go through it all; it really might make sense (if you haven't done this already) to find some capable professional who might be able to help you sort out a few things. Try to keep in mind that a lot of people go through horrible strings of losses of close people over a period of time, and then life calms down and nothing awful happens again for a long, long, time.

I know there's nothing I can say to make you feel more sure right now; but if I may try one more thought: Try to keep in mind that your relationship with those people is part of what defines your life and you - not just losing them and going through all that loss. If we didn't have the people we have loved it wouldn't feel so awful to lose them; so try to keep in mind that their life and who they were are part of what defines you and your life, and try to build up a sense of "self" and sureness" from what you had, not who you no longer have. Again, sincerest wishes that you feel better sooner, rather than later. For now, if you can't always be strong, that will have to do. You're entitled to some not staying strong.

Lisa HW Hub Author 2 years ago

Rachel, thank you for sharing your own thoughts here. I think how you feel about having lost your parents is pretty much how most people feel (at least the ones who were close to their parents). Being angry with God is pretty much something a whole lot people feel too. It's not for me to guess about what God thinks or doesn't think; but I find it hard to believe a God who gave people the capacity to love and feel so awful when they lose them would not understand the anger that so often comes with it.

Sincerest best wishes that your prayers are answered.

Lisa HW Hub Author 2 years ago

Rachel, that one thought about what our parents or someone else we've lost would want us to do is, I think, one of the most important thoughts to keep in mind.

Thank you for sharing your own experience and thoughts here.

Lisa HW Hub Author 2 years ago

Rachel, thank you for sharing more of your own experience here. My mother and her sisters used to talk about their own mother, who had been gone for years, too.

Maybe as your mother got older she started to see similarities between her own situation and her mother's (at her age); so maybe it brought up a whole new set of things to be thinking about.

Lisa HW Hub Author 2 years ago

Nosipho, thank you for sharing your own situation with readers here. I don't imagine life is very easy for you, at 19. One of the biggest things so many parents worry about is being around to be able to make sure sons and daughters get the education they want/need.

Still, even though as it isn't easy not to have parents around at your age, people usually find that as they get farther into adulthood, the disadvantages of not having parents don't seem to matter quite as much. Hopefully, you and your brother have a special relationship that helps makes things a little easier.

Lisa HW Hub Author 2 years ago

Peggy W, sorry to know you've lost your mother recently enough that you're still in the process of getting over it (as much as any of us really gets over it).

My mother outlived my father by 23 years. What my sister and I discovered was that the "big thing" with my father's death was that he died so young, and we were "robbed" over so many years with him. With my mother, the "big thing" was that, because she'd be in our adult life for so long, it was, in ways, harder to get used to not having her.

I guess, no matter what the circumstances, there's always something that poses one set of "issues" or another when it comes to losing someone close.

Lisa HW Hub Author 24 months ago

lareth, I imagine it has been difficult. I know this may seem like a corny thing to say, and I imagine you've had a whole lot of challenges; but sometimes, when it comes down to it, knowing we have only ourselves to count on makes us stronger and wiser people in a lot of ways.

Based only on your comment here, it seems to me you could use a some more emotional support than you're getting now. Are there any groups (like social groups in your area) you could join, where you could meet people (even if only to get together and have light talk)? Have you considered talking to someone at any agency or someone like a counselor who may be able to offer you a little support or ideas about how to make life less grueling?

A lot of the times when people feel they don't have anything in common with others, it's only because what they don't have in common tends to stand out more than what they do have in common. Most of us have a lot of things in common, just because we're people, no matter how we different we may feel we are from a lot of other people.

I'm guessing, if your life has been as difficult as your comments makes it seem it has, you've already "made something of yourself", as far as the person you are goes. You're probably a whole lot stronger and independent than a lot of people are, and you probably know a whole lot more about how things can go in this world than a lot of other people do.

This is kind of a separate thing, but have you thought about, maybe, signing up with HubPages and writing - just as a way of being part of this online community? There are lots of supportive people here, and you could write about whatever you feel like writing about (maybe you could write about your own experiences, or else if there's something you're interested in (anything) you could write Hubs about that?

If I understand you post correctly, you're someone who has a disability? Maybe you could write Hubs about living with a disability, and feel like you're helping readers understand disabilities a little more than they may?

Writing on a site like this one wouldn't make a huge difference in your life, but it's a pleasant way to spend some free time (and there's always the chance that you could start picking up some earnings once you got going). (If not HubPages, then maybe some other writing site - although HubPages is a nice site, which is why I enjoy writing here.)

The reason I'm suggesting you think about doing a little writing is, I guess, because my thinking is that when life is particularly grueling, sometimes one of the best things you can do is find something that lets you escape your day-to-day worries/stress and get your mind on something less draining.

Please overlook it if any of my suggestions don't really "work" for you. It's just that I've had my own grueling times (even if I do have close family), and I know how much a person can need to do a little socializing, have a "hobby", or just find ways to make each day a little less grueling.

Lisa HW Hub Author 23 months ago

roi, I can't give any advice about what you should do, but I do know that, so often, one friend just doesn't know how the other feels about one thing or another; or else, especially when someone has lost someone (like parents), your friend may not know if you'd prefer she "just be regular" (as if you didn't lose your parents), or if there's something she should say or do to that would let you know she acknowledges your situation.

From your side of things, maybe you don't really know how it is for here (any more than she knows how it is for you). If your friend is close, talking about how each of you feels about what the other wants him/her to be doing can sometimes help friends understand each other better.

It sounds to me like because she has family she's close to, she has more people (her family and you) to spend time with. She probably loves spending time with all of the people she's close to. Maybe you shouldn't break away from her, but maybe it would help you if you also found a few other friends to spend time with too. I just get the feeling your problem in the friendship may just be that you have "uneven" available "friend time".

People are just so different. I know that at times in my life when I've lost someone close and have a friend who still has that "equal" person in her life, I've always wanted my friends to know that I didn't want them treating me any differently than they otherwise would (just because they had, say, their mother alive and I didn't). I wanted to feel normal, and I wouldn't have wanted friends to have to watch their words just because I didn't have my mother any longer. What always worked for me (when I'd had a loss) was to have that chance to just kind of be treated normally, rather than have friends act like they needed to watch what they said. Maybe your friend thinks she's doing the right thing by not treating you as if you're "different".

Maybe I'm wrong about her "just knowing how to act" in view of your situation; but maybe if you both had a calm conversation about your different situations, it might help you understand any difficulties she has trying to divide up her time between a bunch of people she cares about.

I do know, with friends, if one wants more time together or more support than the other can give, sometimes it does strain a friendship. People only have so much time and support to give sometimes. I don't know how old you are, but if you're young (twenties or under) it may be far more difficult for you than your friend realizes. I just wonder if maybe the kind of support you could use might come from someone older, or else maybe a counselor who understands exactly what issues are involved for a young person without family. How much support a person needs can depend on how young that person is; and the trouble is that young people have other young people for friends (and sometimes those other young people just don't know how to be as supportive as their friend needs).

If it were me, I think I'd stay friends with my close friend; but maybe look for a couple of other friends to break up any alone time I had because my friend was busy with family.

I wish I could be more helpful because I know you're in a really difficult situation. I do think, though, there's a chance your friend just doesn't know what she should be saying or not saying. She doesn't know what it's like to be you. When I was in my teens I had a very close friend who never said a word about her father. Finally, one day I just out-and-out said that I'd noticed she never mentioned her father and wondered if he was around. She simply told me, "He's not in my life, and I don't talk about him." (My father was a big part of my life, and I would often talk about him to her.) She told me she was OK with my talking about my father but just wanted me to understand that she wasn't about to talk about hers. I understood and respected her wishes. She thought a lot of my father and understood why I would talk about him. We just had to talk openly about the difference in both of our lives and what we talked about. If I'd had to pretend my father wasn't a big part of my life, and be careful never to mention him, I don't think we could have been as good and honest friends as we were.

Lisa HW Hub Author 22 months ago

jeanie, thank you for sharing your thoughts here. You're right - people most often do find ways to get through it and move on.

Lisa HW Hub Author 21 months ago

dave, thank you for sharing with others who have been left without parents (especially, as with the person who requested this Hub, those who lose parents younger than is "standard"). They (like you) so often do have difficulties that result from being left without one or both parents too young. It seems to me you've had that added, big, complications that made not having your mother so young an even bigger challenge.

On the one hand, some people don't like to hear depressing stories. On the other, a good friend or a relative who wants to be supportive (but maybe one who doesn't have his own close experience with the same situation, like your brother does) usually has no problem listening if someone needs to talk. I know there are times when the same person may also hope the person who needs to talk will talk about other things too; but I know that when someone has something they need to talk about, their "depressing" story doesn't really depress me because the situation is theirs - not mine. (I have my depressing story that I try not to inflict on other people, but sometimes a person just has to talk about what's bothering him.) Other times, it's just as important (I think) for people with "depressing stories" to also try to focus on the happier (or at least "neutral" things), just as a way to let the mind have something that isn't so draining.

I wonder if there's a way you could address the cultural-difference matter separately, by maybe finding a friend or two in a similar situation. Maybe that wouldn't have to be someone who's Italian. People from other countries probably have similar issues with not feeling "completely American" in a country full of people who do. If you can't find any new friends (and maybe you've already done this), I wonder if talking about this issue with someone like a counselor would at least give you a person to "vent to" (and maybe someone who could offer some tips or helpful thoughts of some kind).

It's nice that you have your brother, but maybe he's so much younger than you his "view" of the situation didn't include as much "information" as yours did. Maybe that's what makes it difficult for him to be able to be the right kind of support (if that's the case).

My own "horror story" is completely different from yours (and not in any way as complicated or extreme), but I've learned one thing about having anger that's difficult to deal with; and that's that I need a few things to be able to move on from that particular kind of anger. The kind of anger I'm talking about is the kind that comes when one's life is messed up by someone else's behavior or actions. Even when there's no fixing it, what I've found I need is to have someone who was around and/or involved at the time those actions were taking place, to just acknowledge who was responsible and how big a "disaster" the person/people created in my life. The trouble is that when someone does something big and awful (for example, your sister's victimization) everyone who feels they had some responsibility in it, or everyone who knows they can't do anything about it, tends to run away from whatever it was (maybe because they feel so guilty in their own way; or maybe because they don't realize how much anger victims can have when nobody seems to address whatever was done head on). Something else is that it's human nature for people to want to forgive someone else or make excuses for them, and maybe sometimes people even see that whoever did something awful had so many problems they can't be blamed for it. THEN, when the person who suffers from those actions wants to confront it and get some acknolwedgement, those "sympathizers" (even if they don't really "sympathize" on the actions, but only as seeing the "victimizer" as a troubled human being, rather than "evil"), those "seeming sympathizers", or "head-in-the-sand-ers" get uncomfortable and tend to think, "Move on" or "That was ancient history."

Sometimes, too, even people whose lives have been messed up because of someone else's actions can have trouble separating their feelings about "sort of understanding" what someone else did and their feelings related to how they, themselves, experienced the consequences of that person's actions.

Another problem is that other people (no matter how close they've been in our lives) haven't "ridden around on our shoulders" and also been able to read our minds each day or each year between the time something happened and the present. We (the ones who live with the consequences) may see exactly how one thing led to another, and how we took some action or made some decision ourselves, as a way of getting through one day or one moment or another. Other people can't see how the thing that happened a long time ago led to a next thing and a next thing after that, bringing us to where we are today.

(I'm going to continue in a separate comment/response box below; because I'm not sure how much space is left.)

Lisa HW Hub Author 21 months ago

dave (continued from previous comment box)...

I know that with my own "horror story" (that has made a mess in my life) just having some of the people around at the time acknowledge it would help with some of my anger. Maybe it's that way for you and/or your sister (and maybe your brother) too. What I need (and what I assume some other people with their own "horror stories" may sometimes need too, which is the only reason I'm bringing up my own anger here) is for some of those people to first acknolwedge what went on "out loud" to me. Then, though, I need one or two to believe me when I say some issue I'm going through today was directly caused by those long-ago actions. What makes me more angry is when people tend to second-guess me and say, "Oh, you can't blame x on that." What I realize is that until someone acknowledges an consequences in my life in a way that "matches" what I know, myself; and until someone just, plain, respects what I say when I say some problem was caused by one of those "ancient history" things; I feel like people around me are denying reality - which leaves me essentially alone to deal with my anger. The longer I'm alone, dealing with it; and the longer I go without getting those simple words from at least one or two other people; the angrier I get because I feel as if people are willing to "let my emotions rot" rather than face what's uncomfortable for them or face the fact that they don't have a clue about what I've gone through.

I don't know if any of these thoughts is at all useful to you, but I've asked myself what it would take to move on from the anger, and what I said is above is one of the things I keep coming up with. (In my case, there are situations that can never be fixed and people who have died; but those aren't really even in the issue. What's the issue is that people who were around at the time, and are still around, won't acknowledge the reality I've experienced.)

Your sister's situation with the grandfather is a separate one, but I wonder if she needs that kind of acknowledgment in order to be ready to be able to try to mend some old fences too.

Something that happens even in close families (I have a very close family and know many people who do) is that as kids grow up cousins and aunts and uncles often do become more distant. Sometimes it's because kids, themselves, get older and kind of do their own thing. Sometimes it's because extended family just kind of assumes the grown nephew or cousin has grown up and there's no real need to remain in a "previous generation" role for him. In the meantime, someone like you, who didn't have that "standard" kind of relationship with someone like a mother in a "previous generation"/parental role when you still needed her, may still have some need for that kind of relationship (particularly if you're still, say, in your twenties). Or, the other side of it is that you may see the distance that has grown between your extended family members and you as something that happened as a result of strains in the family, when, maybe, it's just the same kind of thing that happens in a lot of families. Then, too, if drugs entered the picture that can be something that ends up creating distance that otherwise wouldn't have been created.

One thing that does happen when, say, three siblings like you and your siblings go through something as kids (or even just in normal, uneventful, life) each sibling can experience things differently. Also, earlier roles as younger, older, middle, or only can get brought into adulthood or can impact a person's way of dealing with things and related to the other siblings. Your brother may seem more OK than you feel, but he could be someone who is dealing with everything from his own experiences (as we all are), so maybe it's more that than the cultural thing that makes you feel like you can't relate to him as well as you'd like to. You may be seeing him as "all grown up" (which is what he is), but he may still be seeing you as "the older one". Maybe he's particularly aware of you taking more of the "brunt" of your mother's death, so that may make him see you even more as the "older one".

I don't know if any of these thoughts at all apply in your situation, but maybe this kind of stuff is stuff you could talk to someone about and see if they have their own take on it.

In situations like yours (or anyone's, for that matter) it can seem as if family members each took a section of a book (and maybe read the table of contents) and formed who they are/what they think based on that. Communicating is what helps people share their "section of the book", and if enough people put enough of those sections together, eventually everyone can see that the family does share that one "book". It's just that nobody can see the whole book if everyone else doesn't share what he ran into in his own section.

Stay strong. You've got quite a lot to be dealing with and processing there. I hope that in time you can make some peace with it. One other thing: If you're in your twenties or even early thirties, part of what may make things still particularly difficult is that what happened with your mother wasn't all that long ago (even if it was years ago). Also, though, people can take until mid-thirties before they've kind of worked out some of the things that still need to be worked out in one's twenties (or again, early thirties). So, in many ways, time is on your side (no matter how old you are).

Lisa HW Hub Author 21 months ago

Lyser, thank you for sharing your own situation and thoughts here. I know just what you mean about not really dealing with losing your mother. I was around 40 when I lost my mother, and I'm not sure I ever really allowed myself to "confront" it head on. I just kind of, as you said, let it hang there in the back of my mind too. As time went on, eventually, I guess, it wasn't looming quite so large as it had been earlier.

I'm not sure we really CAN deal with it (process it, the way we process the death of someone not as close as a mother). My sister and I will say how it's always there in so many ways. It just doesn't feel as "big" as it once did.

It's interesting to me that you mention your mother not seeing your children. You know, I was 21 when my father died. The absolutely first thing I thought of when we were called (too late) to the hospital and the nurse said, "He's gone," was, "He'll never see my children." He did get to see my sister's first child until her daughter was two, but she had two more children. I have three. Not only have I always felt my children (and my father) were short-changed; but even thought 21 is not 8 or 9, I always felt short-changed too. He never got to know me as a "full-fledged" adult.

I guess, when it comes down to it, so many of us (who are close to parents) have similar thoughts when we lose our parents - and having lost my mother around 40, I've seen that, in ways, it's a little different to lose a mother/parent that old, as opposed to at 21. Then again, though, I was so used to life with my mother for so much longer, the different element with that loss was that it was harder to adjust to life without her in it when she passed away. Losing my father was shock, and it was a huge, huge, "kick in the head" that my siblings and I never expect (he was 62). Still, I adjusted to adult life without him soon and have lived more adult life without him now than with him. This is a small (and almost bizarre) consolation; but I never knew either of my grandmothers. I didn't have what my kids had with two grandmothers and one grandfather (their father's father). The one thing I often think of is that I didn't have to go through losing two beloved grandmothers (and a grandfather), the way my mother's grandchildren did.

In a way, (and maybe this is just because I've been through more loss than some people) I'm kind of glad I didn't have to go through losing two grandmothers, as well as losing both grandfathers. (We sometimes have a "lame" way of looking for silver linings, don't we? )

It's still very soon for you, and you had two huge and awful losses. Hang in. Take it a day a time. Even though you may feel (at least on an "intellectual level") that 3 years is a long time; while it's certainly longer than 1 year or 2, it's still more recent than you probably realize right now.

Thank you again for sharing with others here. It may help them feel a little less alone.

Lisa HW Hub Author 20 months ago

slibobay, thank you for your kind words. I can't guarantee we don't come from that Cabbage Patch. I actually did "find" my first son (he's adopted). He was actually of the first generation of little kids to have a boy Cabbage Patch doll, complete with adoption papers. Of course, when those dolls came out there were even things like waiting lists, a black market, and a lot of other things "just like real adoptions". LOL

This has nothing to do with this Hub, but since I've always thought it's a mildy funny story... My son was very little, and his Cabbage Patch doll came with the name of "Gaspar". My son had trouble remembering that "odd" name, so he started calling the doll, "Oil-bar". ("gas"/"oil" - I guess when you're a little kid it makes a certain amount of sense. :) )

Lisa HW Hub Author 20 months ago

Sally, I'm sorry to know you're going through this and sorry, of course, to hear that you've lost your mother so recently. I'm kind of uncomfortable even trying to offer thoughts here, because, to me, all the "complicating factors" you've mention; and your doubt about motherhood, all seem to indicate you could really benefit by finding a therapist who can help you sort all this. It almost seems to me as if you're kind of "blending" all the different bad things and doubts, and does just strike me that someone who specializes in trying to help people who have been through a lot of loss might be able to help. Maybe even a few appointments is all it would take for someone to be able to help you sort out the different issues.

Having said that, I (as a "plain, old, human being" rather than a therapist) wouldn't feel right not at least trying to offer what I think may, if nothing else, be whatever I think I've experienced, observed, about loss (especially loss of a mother). So, just keep in mind that I'm only offering observations and guesses here, and they aren't based on anything other than personal experience (or things people I know have said about their own situations).

First, it's only been three years since you lost your mother. I don't think too many people have loss of their mother "all worked out and over with" at three years. It's a gradual process, and you feel better as each year passes; but it isn't "over and done" in three years (at least not if a person loved their mother).

When we lose someone close (like a mother) we DO feel like we're little kids again (at least in some ways), because we're either in such grief we feel "threatened" and out-of-control; or else there may be issues to be resolved. I lost my father when I was 21, and it was sudden. He was 62. There was a whole set of things to process, associated with his relative youth, mine, things associated with his fairly sudden quick passing, etc. etc. I processed it, and it was a giant kick in the head for someone that young. Then I just kept moving on (because we have no choice). The first thing I thought of when I learned he'd died was that he'd never see my children. Then, though, when my mother died there was a whole different set of issues. I'd lived a longer adult life with her in it. She was bedridden and suffering for over a year before she died. I had to strong for my kids I had at that time. While both my grandmothers had died before I was born; my father never talked about dealing with his mother's dying. My mother and her sisters, however, often talked about how they still missed their mother. My point is, that with each person, each relationship, and each death; there are differences (even if there are also similarities) when it comes to the loss and processing it.

Even losing my father at 21, I also felt short-changed that I didn't have him into adulthood; so even if though I got used to (and over) losing him, I brought that feeling short-changed with me to this day. I don't think about it often, but it's there.

My point is that we can have loss of the person, but we can also have other losses that resulted from losing the person. My daughter just recently got engaged, so I've been talking about weddings. More than 30 years after my father died, it hit me as I was saying to someone that I'd chosen a small, informal, wedding because I knew my father wouldn't be there and thought, "So why bother." All these years later, I'm long over the death of my father; but when I was talking about why I chose that informal (but nice) wedding, I felt the tears start to well up. That's because those tears weren't about the actual death of my father. I'm long over that. They were about thinking of how that feeling short-changed has, somewhere in the back of my mind, been with me all these years.

On the other hand, it was, I think, harder to get past losing my mother; because I'd had her in my day-to-day life so many years longer than I'd had my father. She was a "fixture", not just from childhood, but after my sister and I had children and husbands, and even after one grandchild had her own baby. The whole loss of my mother was very different. There were a whole lot of awful circumstances before and around her passing (that I won't go into), but processing that loss was just more complicated and "messy". I was close to her, so it wasn't that. Strange it sounds, I just found my father's death "simple" and "clean" (heart attack), with the only real issue the short-changed thing.

I'm going to continue this in another comment box because of space.

Lisa HW Hub Author 20 months ago

Sally (continued)...

I'd had so much longer to live a "more whole" life with my mother in it, and so much longer to grow closer to her in so many ways; losing her was just so different from losing my father.

I guess the only real point I have about this is that I definitely saw the two losses as two separate things. Yes it was the "double whammy" of having lost both parents; but for me, I'd been so close to both of them (and they'd been close to each) that I don't think there was any "confusing" the two very distinct losses of two very different kinds and people.

I'm wondering if you didn't have the chance to have a "more mature" relationship with your father (even if only during the teen years), so maybe the loss of your father is something you more associate with what was lost from your life (like being short-changed), rather than having lost someone you'd grown close to as an adult. I felt absolutely equally close to both my parents, and this isn't going to come out the way I mean it to; but, for me, my father's role in my adult life hadn't been as "important" as my mother's role in my adult life. That made for a very different kind of loss. There wasn't any "confusing" of the two and "lumping them together as 'me, the person who has had two big losses'". There was, instead, "Dad's death when I was 21," and "Mum's death when I was 40 or so and had my 3 kids."

My husband lost both his parents after we were married. For me, as badly as I felt about my children's grandparents dying, I didn't "blend" my husband's loss of his parents with my own.

This is pure guessing (again), but it seems to me you almost focus more on loss through death than on the actual different people who died. That can something we do. I know, because I've done it with "blending" the loss of my mother with some other major losses in my life; and kind of tending to see myself as "someone who has had a lot of loss" (and I have). Still, when I think of how those losses (individually or collectively) have affected me, I have to say I'm careful to sort out each one as an individual thing. In my case, I was SO close to my mother I don't think I could ever have a tendency to "blend" her death with any other loss. I'm wondering, though, if you had "strains" in the relationship for awhile, whether it was enough to create enough distance that you wouldn't separate the loss of your mother with the loss of your father (or the loss of your boyfriend's parents). (??) Just a thought (and, of course, a wild stab in the dark).

Continuing in the next comment box below...

Lisa HW Hub Author 20 months ago

People often say that no matter how old we are when we lose that last surviving parent, we feel like orphans. My mother used to say how mothers always feel the same toward their kids, no matter how old their kids get. She'd say, though, "It isn't the same with kids. They feel different about their mothers." Well, she didn't know adult life with her mother in it. Yes, we feel different in some ways once we're grown, but as someone who had her mother as an adult, I learned that we don't feel all that differently about how parents. My sister has said the same thing. My mother didn't know how a grown-up feels about her mother, because she was 23 when her mother died.

I suppose the difference between my having felt like that "same little girl" and your feeling that way would be that I have children. When you have children (as long as you're a "regular" mother) you just get knocked into being a grown up. Mothers need to be strong for their kids (who lost their beloved grandmother), so that "strong self" is the one who "runs the show" (mentally/emotionally, but also "externally"). That "little girl" is there, but I found that as a mother, I had to put her in the background and be that grown-up mother for my own three children (and some other young family members). That fueled my sense of feeling like a grown-up too; but I think, really, if I hadn't felt the responsibility and role of needing to be solid and strong for my kids, maybe I wouldn't have put that little girl in the background in my mind either.

Another point might be that I knew how my mother and father felt about me (not only because of what they did and said, but because I was a mother, myself). I knew they'd want me to live my normal life because I know I wouldn't want my own kids to live their lives feeling "damaged" because of loss. (They're grown now, by the way.)

Since you lost your father so young, you didn't have the chance to "digest" how he felt about he would have felt about you in your adult life. If you weren't always close to your mother, maybe you didn't get that "sureness" about how she would certainly want you to just let yourself be happy (if/when at all possible) after she was gone.

Continuing on just one more box before wrapping up...

Lisa HW Hub Author 20 months ago

Sally, continued...

Again, this is just wild guessing; but I suspect that you feel as vulnerable as you do because you're still in the throws of grief. It probably isn't the same level/kind of grief you were in a couple of years ago, but three years is soon.

I was talking to my cousin once (she's a year or so older than I). None of "the aunts" or grandparents are alive now. She and I are (as she joked, "The Reigning Generation now" in the family. To me, it feels as if there was a time when my parents and all the aunts and uncles were at the top of a mountain while all the kids were climbing up behind them. Now, they've disappeared from that mountain top, and here I stand, with a bunch of younger generation climbing up after me; and wondering how on Earth a kid like me ended up here. :) It's fine. I feel up to the role. It just feels kind of odd.

When our mother died, it felt to me like my older sister and younger brother and I were like "three, lost, orphans". We're all capable, strong, responsible, people; and we're close. Still, we were still that same old "us" - "Mum and Dad's kids."

I think there's a chance that how you feel about the dreams you once had is about feeling unhappy/grieving, maybe even having some depression (even it's mild). When we're not happy we don't care about dreams or anything else. Maybe we just instinctively need to first process what needs to be processed before we get to "higher thinking". I you're not familiar with it, look up Abraham Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. The person who in in grief is not feeling safe and secure, and that has to be addressed before moving on to "higher thinking" (actualization).

I wonder, too, if not having children yet is the thing that may be contributing to an overall sense of "lack of fulfillment" or happiness. I'm not suggesting that children can magically make someone happy if he has "deeper" issues; but for some people, it is children who DO make them feel more fulfilled and whole they can could imagine. I think, though, a person has to have children with the idea of what they can offer the children; and never with the idea that the children will offer them anything.

I don't know if you feel like reading, and I'm not "pushing" my writing. I don't even know if there's anything in it you'd relate to. I have, though, written quite a bit about losing people (having them die) or dealing with grief. I don't know if any of these links are anything you'd relate to, but I do know I've written with candor about how grieving can feel (or at least how it felt to me). The only reason I'm posting the links below is that you said you've been looking online. Again, I have no idea if you even want to bother reading any of these; or if, even if you did, there'd be anything you could relate to, or anything useful, in any of them. In any case, it takes nothing to post a few links to more "cheerful" ( LOL )"death/grief" Hubs.

Lisa HW Hub Author 20 months ago

Sally, thank you again for sharing here. One of the things I enjoy about writing online is that it sometimes gives me the chance to get into a "real conversation" with people (especially other women). We women, in some ways (not all) more than men, have so many "colors" when it comes to things like issues associated with being a person, mothering, or any number of other things.

The one thing that struck me when reading your comments was your remark about my surmising that your mother didn't teach you much about being a mother. Where my guesses about your mother came in, I wasn't really saying I assumed/guessed your mother didn't teach you much about it. Instead, I was under the impression she may not have had the chance (or the time on Earth to develop the inclination to talk about her own experience, from an emotional/growth standpoint, as a mother). I suppose that's not really "here nor there" here at this point, I guess.

I know what you mean about having someone (a partner, a friend, whoever) with whom there is that "port-in-the-storm" element in a the relationship. On the one hand, that's, in so many ways, what a relationship should be. On the other hand, a relationship shouldn't be based only on that. I have a close friend with whom the relatioship is very much that "port-in-the-storm" thing, and although neither of us says it often, we seem to make it a point to set that "port" element aside as much as possible, because I think we both know that a healthier thing for both of us is to focus on the other aspects of life and the friendship. I'm speaking only for myself (and my friend) now, but sometimes it's easy for two people (as a "team") to stay in the "port" and kind of drag their feet about leaving. The following comment isn't directed at you (or me and my friend) for that matter; and it's only a "general thought", but sometimes "teams of two" do need to consciously pick up, take each other's hand, and say, "OK. The storm is over. Let's head out now." Or, maybe, if the storm is still going on; those people can know, as the team they are, that they're strong enough to weather that storm as a team, even without looking for a port. Again, just "general thoughts" that may not at all apply.

This is going to seem really odd, but I found, to me, that your comments, which tied to motherhood and femininity, kind of stood out. I know, of course, that being a mother involves that half of the all human beings for whom femininity is generally a lifetime, running, thread (in other words, women :) ); but as a mother and a woman, I've never really even associated the two. (Even though I'm serious about that remark about myself, I wish typing could show that I see/share the humor in it too. :) )

I do know one thing: Even though your situation is your own, individual, one; you aren't alone in your thoughts/conflict (if you'd call it that) about becoming a mother/not becoming a mother (especially for women in your age range). I think one thing that may contribute to that kind of "conflict" (again, if it called be that) for a lot of women (not just you) can sometimes be the messages "the world" today sends women of all ages, about being a woman, femininity, and even being a mother. On top of those messages being given to girls/women, there's the matter of women living life longer (into their late thirties and early forties) and just being used to the life they've built. It's a bigger adjustment to imagine a major life/role change at 40 than at 25 (when we're still more in the "emotional/mental/philosophy-developing stage"). At 24, our lives are very much in a "just starting to build" stage. At 40, we've already built a good "chunk" of our lives and identities. I guess one question someone in a situation similar to yours might ask is whether the "becoming-a-mother" issue is really associated with the loss, or if, instead (or at least to some degree), it's substantially related to the issues associated with thinking about becoming a mother (or never becoming one) around your age. Just as it was particularly hard for me to get used to living without my own mother after 40 years of living with her in my life, I can imagine that thinking about a change as major as "suddenly" becoming a mother around 40 would be a far biggest adjustment (for a lot of women, anyway) than becoming a mother at 25. I think, if women aren't mothers (or don't know it's inevitable) by their early 30's, a new kind of looking at their life and self may kick in.

This whole issue of mothers, femininity, messages women are sent, later motherhood, etc. is something I've thought about for a long time. I've been a little short on subjects to write about for awhile now, so I'm going to write a Hub about this subject. (I don't know how useful or worthy of reading it will be; but either way, I'll post within the next two or three days and post a link to it in a comment box on here.

I don't take for granted that anyone who reads here will automatically want to be bothered reading the new Hub, so I'll just end the comments here by mentioning this:

I became a mother when I started to adopt a baby who happened to come into my life. I was single and had no children yet. I was in my twenties and knew I planned to have a family "anyway"; so when this little boy showed up, I "knew" I could be the kind of mother he needed (after being born to a mother who really shouldn't have become a mother at all - and I mean "really"). I guess, it was "mothering instinct" that made me want to "make sure he'd have a great childhood and the kind of love that all children deserve". Still, I hadn't thought about my "identity as a mother" at all. So, the only thing that made me different from someone who wasn't so "automatic" to adopt in her twenties may have been nothing more than the simple knowledge and instinct to protect and love a child who needed it.

Five years after adopting my eldest son I had another son. Three years later I had their baby sister.

The one thing I know (and think may be similar with a lot of mothers) is that I never really saw myself as a mother. I just saw myself as "me" - until "suddenly" I found myself a mother and faced with the natural inclination, but also responsibility, to put these little people's needs ahead of my own - and feel happy, capable, loving, and whole by doing that.

In the movie, "Heartburn," Meryl Streep (the lead character) commented that when you have a baby it's like a whole other person you didn't know you had in you comes out. I think, there's no doubt about it, that if become a mother and have that person come out and kind of stand alongside the "main you", it's nice to discover she's there. Then again, if a woman never has that person come out, I don't think all women notice all that much (and I think a lot of women don't necessarily even want that "other person" to come out, because they feel whole and happy as things are).

I know that for me, as someone who was sure I wanted to have children and ready to have (or adopt) them, that "whole other person" did come out, and when "she" did, it was a matter of nothing more than aspects of my character that hadn't yet had the reason to show up. Maybe, though, that "whole other person" who shows up for some women (or men) brings out aspects of character that aren't what they should be. My point is, I'm not even sure that, even if the "whole other person" idea is accurate (and I think it often is) that "whole other person" is someone any of us would prefer to come out. When we want children and are ready for them (even though most of us can even imagine being a mother before we become one), when that "whole other person" shows up we're amazed that she has.

I guess a lot fewer words could have said what I'm trying to say: Children bring out the best in us, but they may bring out the worst in us. If we have a lot of "best" to offer them, great. If we have a lot of "worst" and if it's too much to overcome when the situation would call for it, things aren't all that great for either the mother (or father) or children.

When all is said and done, I think we all kn

Lisa HW Hub Author 18 months ago

arraiyan, thank you for sharing in the discussion here. I was like you - blessed with the kind of parents everyone ought to have. Neither is living now, but the odd irony is that the thing that makes having lost them the hardest (being close to them and thinking of them the way you think of your own parents) is also the thing that gave me what I needed to be able to get through losing them and still keep "being me" and living as they would have wanted me to.

When I saw someone young and without their parents asking this question I didn't have a clue as to how to even try to answer it, because I know that people who don't have good parents, and people who lose good parents when they're still teens and children often must bring the emotional (and other) consequences of that into adulthood.

Like you, I've always been thankful for the parents I had (I still only had my father until I was just 21; and it would have been nicer to have my mother into her 80's or beyond, but only had her here until I was in my early 40's).

On a more positive note, though, I've heard that children and teens can be OK if they have one really capable, loving, strong, parent (or person who takes on that parenting role). The world is full of people who grew up having only one good, solid, loving parent and are generally OK and happy.

Lisa HW Hub Author 18 months ago

arraiyan, thank you for the kind words. Yes - I'm sure that people like me, who have the advantage of the kind of parents I had, usually do have an advantage when it comes to at least some ability to be strong.

Lisa HW Hub Author 14 months ago

phill, I'm so, so, sorry to know your father has this to go through (and you and the rest of your family has to go through it with him). I know exactly how you feel. I was 21 when my father died, and my mother went through awful, awful, stuff for the fifteen months before she died. I've made my own mental peace with the idea that there may be God, and that people go through such awful things, by coming to believe that any God that exists "operates" on a "big-picture" kind of scale, or else on a spiritual-only kind of thing, and isn't always able to intervene in the Natural order of life, disease, etc.

Some people get through awful things believing that "everything happens for a reason". That can help, I guess.

Religious people think completely differently, of course - but I'm not one of them, and I need more "personalized" processing of the kind of thing you raised.

I guess I had to make some peace with things like tragedy and disease by telling myself these things aren't part of a plan. They're part of what can go wrong in an otherwise good plan (life/Nature), by virtue of the fact that life brings with it variations, change, and things going awry.

With regard to the matter of staying in university, I think the news you've received is so new, it's just too soon for you to expect yourself to know, exactly, which way to decide. A little more time, and your heart, will probably help you decide. Again, I'm sorry to know anyone must go through this kind of thing.

Lisa HW Hub Author 13 months ago

Rachel, thank you for taking the time to share your own experiences here. I'm sorry to know it's been so recent since you lost your father. You're not a whole lot older than my daughter, so seeing all the loss you've been through makes me think of how you're still so young to have had so much loss and sadness.

On the one hand, I know exactly what you mean about how awful it is to watch a parent's health deteriorate in terminal illness. On the other, when I watched that with my mother, I was just about 40 and far more able to process it (no matter how horror-filled it was) than I was when I lost my father at 21.

You're right about things eventually getting better than they feel right now, but it sure is a long road. Still, we don't notice it happening, but with each inch along that road, we move closer and closer to that day when we start feeling normal and "regular" again. Especially when someone has his whole life ahead of him (as you do, for the most part), there are more and more happy things that happen that start showing up and help filling some of the void that loss and grief leaves.

Much of what you've been through (with all the loss, not just that of your Dad) will turn out to have made you a wiser, stronger, person in so many ways. The price for that kind of wisdom and strength, though, is often that carefree and youthful feeling of being invincible and of believing that everything happens to someone else, not us. There are times now (decades after a couple of tragedies that took place when I was 20/21) when I think of how I've been a "grown up" so much longer than a lot of other people my age have been (if they've ever even had to "grow up" quite so much at all). When I think of it, I feel kind of bad that I was launched so prematurely into more "grown-up" thinking. Oddly, though, I also realize that I've managed to stay very much the very same, silly, goofy, kid I was when I was four or five - so I guess I was only launched into that premature maturity in SOME ways. More importantly, I've also come to realize that it can be the wisdom we gain from loss and grief that is precisely the reason we choose to so safeguard that happier, more carefree, person we once were. I guess, at least in my case, it's been a matter of thinking, "This awful stuff has already taken enough away from me and my life. I won't allow it to take more - and I certainly won't allow it to take away the person I was before it all happened."

I would guess that the light that guides your soul is there, the same as always. Maybe it's just hidden a little by all the clouds of grief you have right now. Those clouds will lift, and you'll probably come to realize that whatever light you gained from your loved ones' presence was something they leave with you forever.

It's still so soon after losing your father (and with his being sick for so long, you didn't have a whole lot of chance to live life without that horror and sadness).

Something you may want to do when you feel like it might be too start looking up your whole family's ancestry. My niece started doing that, and I've discovered what Rosie O'Donnell also seemed to discover when she was featured on the geneology TV show (she lost her mother as a child). What people seem to find when looking into the ancestry is that a "continuity of family story" becomes evident for the person, himself (with the parent occupying only x spot for x long in the story). People who lose a parent often feel as if their whole foundation has been pulled out from under them. Seeing tangible evidence that one's family story goes back beyond parents, and remains, regardless of parents not being alive, can help a person see his own existence within a broader context and on a broader foundation.

It's not a miracle cure for grief, of course; but I (like Rosie O'Donnell) did find some comfort in seeing that my parents' story extended well back beyond their own birth and didn't end with their passing. It also showed me that what I had once seen as my "foundation" was actually only one kind of foundation, and that are deeper, different, kind of foundation was there, and remained, as always. Anyway, it's just a thought.

Lisa HW Hub Author 13 months ago

Preston, first, I'm so sorry to read that you've lost your mother so recently, and such a young age (for both you and your mother). Second, thank you for sharing your own experience and advice with others here. Your comment (especially the first part of it) is a beautiful written tribute to the mother who seemed to work so hard to make sure you had what she thought you should have (and, of course, to make sure you knew she loved you).

It's still so, so, soon after your loss; I imagine you may not have even thought about this kind of things yet (and I don't want to be "yet one more person who says the same old thing"); but because you're still so young to have gone through this particular set of circumstances, I wonder if you may find that talking with a professional might be a good idea (even if you don't feel like you need that). Either way, I hope you have someone reliable and trustworthy and maybe a little older than you are who can "be there" to try be the right kind of emotional support for you over the time you're processing what has gone on. My remark about how young you are is not, at all, intended to sound condescending or to suggest that someone your age isn't mature in so many ways. It's just that it is, in fact, a young age. As I mentioned somewhere else on here, I have found, in my own life (and I was a very mature young person) that processing things as a middle-aged person has been a lot less complicated for me than processing the loss of, say, my father when I was 21.

With regard to your comment about it "being the most miserable thing imaginable", I can certainly imagine it must be. No. I can't imagine what you must be going through. That's the thing. No matter what any of us goes through, it's pretty hard to find anyone else who understands, exactly, what we are going through. That's why it's important (especially since it was someone as important to you as your mother was to you, and since you are as young as you are) that you have someone sensible and solid, and more experienced with all this stuff, to talk to.

I'll give you an example of why I think a counselor could possibly be helpful (especially if you tell them this is what you want from them): When I was 20 my girlfriend was killed in an accident we were in. I didn't think I needed any counseling. I was sure I was strong and sensible and had the right perspective. I got through it fine. I really did. A couple of decades later, though, when I had kids who were my friend's age, I started to see the loss of someone that age from a whole different perspective; and I had a kind of secondary grief set in for a few months. I thought, at the time, "I wish someone had told me I might run into this kind of thing all these years later." With that second run of secondary grief, I got through it and processed it too; but I was kind of taken aback by it when it first showed up. I was asking myself, "What's your problem? Why are you even thinking about any of this all these years later?" I'm not, in any way, comparing the death of a friend with the death of a mother. My main point is that if I could have that kind of thing show up decades later, I wouldn't be surprised if something similar could happen for you (when you're seeing life through the eyes of someone older). I'm just wondering if a counselor might be able to tell you what kind of things might crop up for you between now and any time in the future. If they don't volunteer that kind of information, ask. (if, of course, you were to talk to anyone)

I'm sure you don't need me to say your mother was battling a problem so many other people, and one that goes way beyond what she could have controlled. I don't know... Maybe there's some comfort in knowing that whatever she was using may have given her some relief from something else that plagued her. Maybe there's comfort in knowing she's at peace now. I imagine she'd hope you find comfort in knowing how much she loved you (you obviously know that); and if she was at all like me (and most mothers are alike in a lot of ways), she would want you to know that nothing else in life, no matter how difficult, can ever take away from the kind of "whole-ness" and happiness mothers have just because their children are in their lives.

A mother's life may be far from perfect, but it's probably hard for anyone who doesn't have kids (or grown kids) to know how little an imperfect life seems to matter to a mother when measured againt the fact that her children are in her life. I didn't know your troubled mother, but I'm guessing there's a really good chance you were the absolute light in one of those "otherwise imperfect" lives. I hope you can find comfort in thinking about the complete and utter joy that one's child brings to one's life, no matter how difficult one's life may be.

You can't imagine it now, but you'll feel different as time passes. I know what you mean about loving SO much. The price of that is that hurts so much to lose someone, but with time, we come around to feeling warmed by the fact that they were in our lives - rather than feeling so shocked and lost because they're not. Double-edged sword that such love can be, we're still so much better off for having had someone so special in our lives; rather than not.

Your mother was fighting a private battle with drugs, and the awful thing is that she was fighting a battle that can be nearly impossible for people to win. It was her battle, though; and it was separate from her relationship with you and love for you.

Feeling like you want to call someone is what just about everyone does so soon after losing them.

I hope you can find a few thoughts you find particularly comforting and keep thinking of them whenever you start thinking of the most upsetting stuff. Maybe, too, keep in mind that finding your own life and happiness is one of the best ways you could honor your mother's love for you.

I wish there were something more useful or helpful that I could say, but I know there aren't words that are going to make you feel any better right now.

Speaking only from a mother's viewpoint, I can tell you that even with my kids in their twenties and one just over thirty, the last thing I would ever want would be for any of them to "give me the life they think I deserve". I'm still wishing I could give them the kind of life I think they deserve. (They've had a fine enough life, that's for sure; but there's a whole lot more I wish I could just make sure they had - even now, even though they have their educations, etc.) I've always wanted my kids to know I love them, and I've wanted mutual respect between us; but one of the great things about how a mother loves her child is that she always wants to be the one who "provides the kind of life someone deserves". It seems to me that, one way or another, you've found yourself with things in life that your mother must have wanted for you. Whatever she didn't directly provide, she apparently gave you what you need to know how to provide it for yourself. She must have found some tremendous pride and peace in seeing what you've become, and in knowing you got that private-school education. One day you'll sort out all the thoughts, regrets, questions, and whatever else you go through in the short term; and you'll find you've made peace with with it all. Again, condolences on losing such a young mother.

Lisa HW Hub Author 12 months ago

Nilesh, I'm sorry to see that you lost your parents so recently. It really IS very recent, and I know there's nothing I can say that would at all help you feel even a little better right now. What anyone who has lost his parents will tell you (and this is true) is that it does take a long time to even start to feel a little better, and even when you do you always miss them (sometimes, more than other times). What's true, though (and what may be hard to believe right now), is that you will - little by little - start to feel a little more and more used to the loss. You'll actually one day discover the you're pretty much OK. No doubt about it, it takes a long time; and you don't see a lot of progress in the first couple of years.

Most parents would tell you they want their sons or daughters to find happiness in this world because they had the love their parents had to share. Parents don't want their sons or daughters living in too much grief for too long over the fact that they (the parents) could not have lived here (in this life) with their children longer.

Everyone handles grief differently, and I know there are people who would think my way of handling the loss of my parents wasn't "the best"; but I found the only thing that helped at all was just not to let myself think about them too soon after they'd passed away. I told myself, "I'll think about him/her another time, when I more able to deal with it. S/he would tell me to do what I need to do to get through this." And so, if I got in one of those "moods" when I'd start thinking about one of them I'll tell myself, "Don't do this right now. You can think about, and process, all this stuff later, when it's a little easier to deal with."

In the months/years that followed, I'd let myself think about one "issue" or another for a little while, until I got myself so upset it felt like I couldn't stand it. Then, I'd tell myself to stop. I had processed enough for the moment.

For me, the shock, grief, horror, and sadness of the loss of someone as close to us as a parent was just way too much to process all at once. It just worked for me to let some of the stuff that comes with recent loss (within a year or even two) die down some before I began trying to "mentally process" whatever issues there were that I needed to think out. Once the newness of the loss had worn off some it was far easier to think about things, make some peace with some things, and "manage" the loss and grief more easily.

Everyone in the world who has lost a beloved parent (or someone else very close) knows exactly how you feel, and knows exactly how we all go through our days as if we're fine - only to have those private moment of "awfulness" and sadness.

You have the disadvantage of any issues associated with not being nearby where your home was; so I don't imagine that helps. If you find it all gets to feel "too much" for you, maybe there's a counselor who works with people who are going through "long-distance" grief in a country other than their own? Maybe talking to someone familiar with both the issues of grief and also any issues associated with being in a country other than your own (and being separated from people like siblings) might help a little bit.

It may be hard for you to believe this right now, but you won't have this kind of pain in your life forever. You won't notice it happening, but each passing day moves you just a little bit farther away from the days when the losses were new and fresh.

Sincerest best wishes and condolences.

Lisa HW Hub Author 10 months ago

Jennifer, I'm sorry to read that your family has been so much, and appreciate your sharing this "angle" to the life-without-parents matter. Without knowing your family, and only being a stranger making guesses, I'm guessing there's the chance that the horror (for your mother, your sister's kids, you, others in the family) of losing your sister and her husband may have just been one of those awful events that takes an awful toll on everyone involved.

Some things that happen are so awful, it's very hard for families to "stay whole". I can't imagine the kind of grief and horror your sister's children experienced when they lost both of the parents, and I can't imagine the grief and horror your mother must have gone through to lose her daughter, her son-in-law, and the parents of her grandchildren.

Sometimes when things are just too much, everyone is having such a hard time dealing with it (and the grief can take years and years to even process, and even then people don't get over that kind of loss), they don't have much "emotional energy" left for anyone/anything but trying to get through each hour or day. You've gone through the horror and loss too, so I don't imagine you have much emotional energy left either, when it comes to the whole situation you described.

Sometimes a horrible thing like the loss of your sister and her husband will end up leading to all kinds of other big, serious, family problems. I don't know you, your mother, or the children who had such problems; but I'd hope that, in time, all of you will be able to look back, see what a huge, overwhelming, situation you were all dealing with (the loss AND the troubles that followed), and maybe decide to try to put it in the past and try to start to be a family again (even if everyone can't be as close as would be ideal).

I know what it's like to have someone give one's mother a hard time. My own mother had adopted a hard-to-place child who grew up to be a real problem (and that was when my mother was bedridden and dying). This young woman (the hard-to-place child who had grown up) had gotten off to an awful start in the first couple of years of her life, though; and I've just had to realize that she'd been so hurt and damaged as a little girl, she just didn't have the same kind of chance the rest of us (with good, loving, mothers from the start) have, when it came to growing up to be caring and empathetic. I don't stay in contact with the young woman, but I've had to come to keep in mind that she was a victim herself when she was little (as your sister's kids were when they lost their parents), and I do hope (wherever she is) that life in her grown-up life was kinder than it had been when she was a little, traumatized, girl.

Sincerest condolences on the loss of your sister and brother-in-law. It's an unspeakable loss for you all. I don't mean to minimize it with the following remark, but it's almost no wonder things turned disastrous - so many people, so much loss, everyone needing to work it all out...