Understanding an Adolescent Child

One of the best ways to understand an adolescent is to simply remember being one. Something else to remember is that, even if he doesn't seem very much like he is, your adolescent child is the very same person he has always been. Most of us recall that when we were adolescents we were very much the same person that we were at five or six years old. We may also recall, however, how life had become far more complicated once we reached adolescence.

We were often torn between not wanting to disappoint our parents but needing to exercise some independent thinking. We may have liked who we were on the inside, but not what we looked liked. Maybe, instead, we didn't like who were on the inside but liked our appearance. Many adolescents don't like either, and none have not yet had the time to figure out who they are on the inside or become who they want to be on the outside. Most of us will recall that we did stupid things (sometimes just because they seemed like a good idea at the time, sometimes because we were torn between our friends and our parents, and sometimes because we didn't think at all). Most of us were good at heart. Most loved our parents. Many felt underestimated in any number of ways by those parents. Recall those times when you thought your parents were unreasonable or even stupid for thinking you were either less intelligent, less moral, less hard working, or less anything else than you knew you were.

Remembering that your child is the same person he's always been involves thinking of how much you absolutely adored him when he was a baby and preschooler. Recall how absolutely happy and blessed you felt to have been given this "gift" in life. Think of how much better a person you became for this very important person in your life.

Remember how much he once looked up to you in sincerest admiration; and keep in mind that even if he doesn't show it, he still needs your approval, love, respect, and admiration. Keep in mind that your adolescent child has confllicting longings: One is to be grown up and out from under the criticism and rules of parents. The other is to come to terms with the loss of childhood and having a young's child's perspective on life. These two different types of "remembering" can be the first ingredients in a recipe for understanding your child, but there are other ingredients required as well.

First, keep in mind that a child's brain is does not reach full maturity until the early twenties (and sometimes as late as the mid-twenties). The prefrontal cortex remains immature until then. This means that adolescents and teens think differently. Even in older teens, this can mean they may misinterpret what a parent means when he says something; or have a tendency to feel depressed. How it affects an adolescent may depend on the maturity of the child, but the point is an adolescent cannot be expected to think the way an adult does.

Researching the subject of the devepment of the adolescent or teen brain could give a lot of parents a better understanding of their child. Another ingredient in the recipe for understanding is realizing how important it is for adolescents to feel that they fit in. Having friends is important. Wanting to be seen by other kids as admirable and "cool" is important. The big insecurities of adolescence, combined with the need to figure out who one is and what one believes, combine to make temptations (large and small) difficult to resist (more for some kids than others; and more with some temptations than others, depending on the child). Most kids want to do well in school (some don't care, but a good number do). The trouble can be that adolescents are reaching a point where development starts to focus on social matters.

The often-mentioned "changing bodies" mean adolescents may feel, be, or look awkward. Those who mature physically early must deal with the problems associated with that. Late bloomers have their own set of problems. Physical maturation isn't the only issue for adolescents. Being too short, too tall, too thin, too fat or too anything else can contribute to insecurities. With the wide range of sources of insecurity and stress for kids this age, stress may be more of a problem than a lot of parents recognize. Stress, of course, can come in varying degrees; but if a child is stressed too much, too long, or too often he may have elevated stress hormones that could make concentrating on school work difficult.

Stress hormones aside, kids this age are beginning to have different priorities. Two years ago they may have found science fascinating. This year they may be too busy worried about whether their nose is too broad or their blemish is too noticeable to be able to care much about science. Late adolescence, of course, can pose more of these problems than early adolescence does. Again, however, it can depend on how mature a child is for his age.

Adolescent children often absolutely admire older teens or young adults. They may admire things/traits that they will later realize were ridiculous things to admire. An attractive or "cool" older teen can have a lot more impact on what an adolescent hopes to become than parents sometimes do. Parents can sometimes offset some outside influences by making their points in a way that make sense to a child. When parents tell kids things that the kids, themselves, are smart enough to know are not always true or don't make sense, they tend to lose credibility. There is usually no point in trying to point out to an adolescent that the older person he admires is not admirable. An adolescent's priorities are often just different from a parent's.

Maybe understanding your adolescent child is mostly about understanding (and letting him know that you do) that he is not "finished" yet. It's easy to realize that an eight-year-old is a little kid. All you have to do is look at him. Adolescent kids don't always look like little kids, and they seldom act like little kids. (Acting like a little kid is often not a luxury an adolescent can afford if his image is to remain intact.) In fact, while they are not little kids, they are still very, very, young kids. Then again, they are often far more grown up than parents may realize. It isn't always easy for parents to figure out in which ways a child is still very young and those ways in which he is very grown up; but realizing that his child is "part both" may help a parent put aside the "rules" of early childhood, hold off on the "rules" of the mid-teen years, and try to address the issues and needs of adolescent children on terms that are right for a child that age.

As for the "realilties of life": Sometimes the realities of life for an adolescent child are very different from the realities of life for adults. At other times, the same realities apply to everyone. For an adult, a reality is that we shouldn't care whether other people think our clothes are "cool". For an adolescent, a reality is that if other kids at school don't think his clothes are "cool" those kids may exclude the child, make fun of him, or believe he is so different from most kids he must be odd. A more sobering reality for an adolescent is that dealing with such not fitting in can take a very real emotional toll. When it comes to some of those realities of life that kids and adults share, sometimes it isn't even appropriate to try to "enlighten" a child. While it is dangerous to let a child live in "ignorant bliss" about some of life's reallities, it can also be cruel to rob an already insecure and unhappy of some forms of youthful innocence.

Adolescent children often believe the best is yet to come (once they grow up). They often have dreams and hopes that they sincerely believe are well within reach; but they may also have a sense that the world around them will always be the same as it is in their adolescence. Adults have often learned that the hopes and dreams of adolescence change before children graduate high school. Adults also know that even when a child hangs onto his hopes and dreams, things can happen that make their fruition unlikely. Adults have learned that any one person's world never stays the same. Moreoever, they often know how sometimes even young worlds can be shattered. Knowing all these things can make being an adult a little less joyful than being an adolescent is (even though adults have usually come to terms with their own insecurities and flaws).

Trying to make an adolescent too "wise" too early isn't always a good thing for a developing child. This is why, even though adolescent children can seem grown up in some ways, supervision and protection from some potential dangers remains very important. On the other hand, there are times when it is, of course, necessary to start talking to kids early about some realilties. Maybe the dividing line between the realities that need to be "driven home" and those that should not be is whether or not the child has any control over preventing them; and whether or not he has the freedom to be in the position of needing to prevent them. Another ingredient in the recipe for understanding your adolescent child is helping him to understand you - you as a parent, you as the child you once were, you as a person; you as someone who loves, respects, and admires him.

While conversation with an adolescent may not necessarily go both ways, understanding between two people always does. Talking to your child in order to help him understand your worries, your love for him, and the fact that you are on his side in his wish to grow up, can help him understand you better. Talking about the person you are can help him understand that you have reasons for the way you think. .

So often parents almost seem to enjoy talking about their adolescent child as if he is an alien being from a distant planet, and talking to their child only as a parent. If your child understands you better he is less likely to see you as the alien from a distant planet; and even if it doesn't entirely agree with what you believe, he may be more likely to see that there is sense and reason to it. Just as understanding goes both ways, so does respect. Children who are treated with respect usually return it. There's nothing difficult to understand there. It applies to children of all ages. Sometimes, though, in their frustrations, adolescents may slip up when it comes to treating parents with respect. When parents can honestly say to an adolescent child, "We don't talk to you that way, and we will not tolerate your talking to us that way," kids know if that's true. When it is, they usually see the fairness of such a policy and abide by it. The thing about adolescent children is that they will grow up - whether parents like it or not, want it or not, or try to push them into it.

Adolescent children are, nonetheless, children. It's not good to try to push them into being grown up too soon, and it is not good to try to turn them into the babies they once were. Accepting them for who and what they are usually works out well. Loving them for who they are or even in spite of it always works out well. There is one final thing about adolescent children that parents need to understand: For all the parents who will tell their tales of woe about their adolescent children, there are many, many, parents who will tell you that they had absolutely no problems or no difficulty understanding their young son or daughter. Understanding your twenty-two-old, on the other hand, now THAT can be a very different thing....