How to Keep Kids From Acting Up (Being Out-of-Control)

This Hub is divided into two sections - some basics, and an in-depth discussion.

A situation involving one or more children acting up has three parts to it. The first is the parent(s). The second is the child, himself. The third is the situation at any given moment. Immediately below are remarks about the parent factor in any acting-up scenario. Following this section is a discussion about the child and situation factors.

How Parents (or Caregivers) Sometimes Invite Acting-Up

Kids are often fresh, or act up, when parents seem too distracted from them, too distant, indifferent to their needs, or too disinterested. Also, when parents appear to be out-of-control by making a habit of yelling at children or otherwise showing signs of not being in control, children tend to act up because they can feel as if they've been left on their own, even when the parent is present. Sometimes the parent who seems to be scolding more than anything else can actually be inviting acting up. Children who feel as if they're always being scolded for no reason tend to stop trying to please parents by behaving well.

Other than that, most kids will act up if there's not quite enough supervision, if they're too close in age and spend too much time together without enough individual attention, and/or if there are too many of them for a parent to be able to devote enough positive attention to each of them. Sometimes, too, when parents are too tired or have too much to do to have that environment of enjoying being together (as opposed to trying to get things done while the kids are supposed to be keeping themselves entertained), kids tend to act up. When kids are over-tired they're also more likely to act up than when they're not.

When the question of how to keep kids from acting up appeared on HubPages, I quickly clicked the button to write a Hub about it. To me, the answer to that question seemed complex enough to require a whole Hub (rather than just a quickie answer in the "Answers" section), but simple enough that writing a Hub in response to the question wouldn't involve a lot of work either.

The trouble is that the phrase "acting up", covers a whole lot of territory. There are people who'll tell you their children only act up when they're on the phone. Basically, if their mother weren't on the phone their behavior (and noise) wouldn't be a big deal; but because she is, IT is. On the other hand, there are households where the kids are completely and utterly without boundaries or respect for anyone or anything.

In any case, sometimes the answer to how to stop kids from acting up is as simple as handing them a great picture book or a baggie with Cheerios in it. So, as I began to write this Hub, I realized that I didn't want to give the same old ideas that a lot of parents have already heard. The thing is, for those people whose children make acting up a regular thing, ideas like "give him something to keep busy" or "put him in Time Out" aren't always enough. Much of the time, parents who face this challenge have already gone the baggie-of-Cheerios and Time Out route. Some yell. Some hit. Some learn to tune out the sounds of crying or fighting kids, even when that crying and fighting is as close as the next room or backseat of the car.

The following discussion isn't for people who kids only act up occasionally or in certain circumstances. It doesn't contain anything that parents who have the occasional acting-up don't already know. It's aimed for people for whom their children's chronic acting up has made life a matter of chronic stress and chaos, and for parents who too often realize they just don't enjoy much of their time with their child(ren).

Answering the question about how to stop kids from acting up requires addressing two different factors in the "kids-acting-up equation": One of those factors is the adult in charge. The other one, of course, involves the child/ren involved.

The easiest and quickest factor to address is the first one mentioned, which is the parent/adult in charge. It may be tempting to use the phrase, "lack of supervision", when addressing this question; but "supervision" suggests someone's standing over one or more children and involving himself with every last, little, thing children do. A better way to describe the adult's role/responsibility in the "kids-acting-up equation" is to use the phrases, "lack of sufficient input" and "lack of sufficient responsiveness".

The Difference Between "Supervision" and "Input", and the Difference Between "Supervision" and "Responsiveness"

There may be a subtle distinction between those two phrases and the word, "supervision", so the best way to clarify any blurring of lines is to use the following analogy:

Imagine a large corporation, its CEO, and one of the production areas (where, of course, employees are involved with actually making the company's product). The most those employees ever see that CEO may be when s/he occasionally walks through the department and looks around. In fact, some employees may not even have any idea about what the CEO even looks like. That CEO doesn't supervise the individual employees as they work. It's his/her role (among other things) to be responsible for the overall wellbeing and success of the entire organization.

Making sure employees have the tools and work environment that allow them to do the highest quality work they can, and being responsive to the input of those workers (even if that input has made its way to his/her desk through layers of supervisors and department heads) ultimately falls within the responsibilities of the person at the head of the company (even though that person may have delegated some of those responsibilities).

So, the CEO isn't supervising those production employees. S/he is not "on their backs" and telling them to move faster or stop doing one thing or another. Instead, structure and procedures are in place. Those are things that not only help the company run smoothly, but provide a way to address problems when they do arise.

BUT, you're not here to read about companies. You're here because you'd like to get some ideas on preventing the kind of mayhem that happens when a couple of preschoolers flood the bathroom floor (and the basement) with water, discover that the walls make a fine canvas for practicing writing letters, AND pull out every last slice of American cheese from the refrigerator and stick it to whatever surface it will stick to - all within two hours on the same morning. OR, maybe when you think of "acting up" you're thinking about a family room full of sometimes crying/sometimes screaming, and sometimes laughing kids (of any, or all, ages) who, regardless of whether they're getting along well, fighting, or both, will inevitably destroy not only your family room (and a lot of things in it), but your calm as well.

So, for now let's set aside (but still keep in mind) the focus on supervision, input, and/or responsiveness and focus, instead, on children and on acting up. There are a lot of different ways people sometimes define "acting up", but let's focus on the "recipes for acting up" first:

What Can Lead to Acting Up? (Focusing First on One, Individual, Child, Rather Than on More Than One Child Together)

Assuming a child doesn't suffer with a disorder, such as ADHD, the following are generally things that can lead to "acting up" in otherwise disorder-free kids:

Kids who don't feel at their best are often more likely to act up than kids who feel fine. What leads to not feeling "at their best"? It could be that they haven't eaten enough (or haven't gotten what their body needs from what they've eaten). It could be that they're tired. "Tired" isn't always about how much sleep they've gotten. Sometimes "tired" involves either having worn down from, or become too frazzled by, one activity or another.

Boredom can lead some kids to act up, but boredom really falls under the category of "kids who don't feel at their best". Basically, like not getting the right kind of food/beverage that a kid's body needs to feel good; boredom is a matter of not getting the kind of thing a kid's mind needs to feel good.

Before moving on, let me address a remark most of us have heard any number of people make at one time or another: "What do you mean - boredom?!! My child has thousands of dollars' worth of every kind of toy imaginable, and he just doesn't play with them. Instead, all he does is act up!!" Also, before moving on, let me address what a lot of other people's response to that remark would be, "Well, you're child is a spoiled brat, then. He's got too many toys, doesn't appreciate them, and then just gets bored until he gets something new (at which time he'll be interested for an hour or so until he starts needing something else new)." Both the former and latter remarks would be missing the point when it comes to children, and here's why:

Children need a wide mix of activities available to them, regardless of a parent's preferences with regard to what would be "the most fun". It doesn't take several thousand dollars to provide that wide mix of activities, but thousands of dollars' worth of activities won't necessarily result in a spoiled child either.

Children are, without doubt, individuals with their own personalities and preferences; but (generally associated with developmental stages) there's a set of activities most children enjoy and need, regardless of personality and preferences. For example, most children enjoy being creative. Most enjoy a good bike ride or playing on the equipment at the park. Most enjoy building sets. Most enjoy running around. Most need, and love, to engage in conversation with a parent. Most like playing with water or playing in the water. Most like having a story read to them, but most will also enjoy looking through a book with pictures (or if they're old enough to recognize a few words, with simple words and pictures).

When they're old enough to read, most kids will find reading about a subject that interests them enjoyable. Most kids also like doing things with their family. Most enjoy playing with other children.

Where some parents make the mistake in choice of activities/toys they provide their child is in believing that the latest and most expensive of toys/activities are the best (and, if there could be such a thing as "better than best", some parents believe that more is, in fact, even better than best). Other parents make the mistake of forgetting how exhilarating it can feel for a six-year-old who is engaged in drawing a picture or for the eight-year-old engaged in buiding a complex Lego structure. Some parents may forget how much they actually enjoyed some of the more basic activities of childhood. Others may have not particularly found some activities fun, so they'll base what they offer their child on their own idea of what's "the most fun" - not on what most children (to one degee or another) will find engaging and fun at least some of the time.

Also, there are parents who, in their wish to provide "only the best" in activities for their child will measure "best" by whether or not they believe the toy/activity is "educational". A common mistake in this kind of thinking, however, is often in overlooking the fact that "educational" isn't always about a child's learning numbers and letters, or even about his learning all the states and capitals. It's true that children benefit from a head start with some types of "educational" activities. Children, however, have built into them the need, drive, and instinct to learn about "all of life"; so sometimes, "educational" can be a simple a doll, a carriage, and riding toy that can be imagined into being a car, the driver of which may pluck "tickets" in the form of leaves from the forsythia bush at the corner of the yard.

Another mistake parents may make is in not realizing that sometimes it's not enough just to hand a child a toy or an activity. Sometimes, especially with the youngest of preschoolers, it's also important to show the child how he can enjoy the activity. Sitting down with a three-year-old and "playing dollhouse" introduces all the things that the dollhouse people can do. The young child whose parent has sat with him a few times and enjoyed activities like "dollhouse" or building or drawing will usually then become a child who has experienced how much fun it can be to play one thing or another and who will then not only regularly play that way himself, but may show other children how much fun it is to play that way too.

While sit-down activities (drawing, building blocks, playing dollhouse, doing puzzles, etc.) are sometimes children over a certain age will eventually discover themselves, helping very young children discover these activities can help make these activities a natural and regular addition to their collection of ideas about what there is to do and what's fun to play.

Sit-down activities help develop fine motor skills and an array of cognitive skills. More physically-oriented activities (often veiwed as "outdoor activities") help develop large muscles but also a kind of confidence in the abilities required for more athletic activities. How much a parent needs to become involved with "introducing" some "outdoor type" activities can be a little different from how sit-down activities should be approached, however. One reason is that some activities (like riding a tricycle) come fairly naturally to a child of a trike-appropriate age. Those that don't come as naturally often don't because some children are less comfortable taking perceived physical risks, while others either don't mind or don't even perceive any risk.

A risk-taking kid, of course, would benefit from having a parent nearby to point out some safety guidelines. A kid who's oblivious to possible risks, and who leans toward wanting "thrills", is more likely to hop speed down a hill on a bike and not know he needs to slow down before he gets to the traffic lights at the bottom of the hill. The kid who leans more toward needing to proceed with caution may, on the other hand, need also to be allowed to learn in his own time. A parent who wants to take training wheels off the bike sooner than the more cautious child feels ready can make the child feel it's more important that he learn without the parent's involvement.

The point is, how and whether a parent involves himself with trying to share how much fun more physical activity can be can depend on the child, the activity, and even the parent (or at least his understanding of the child). Most kids appreciate (and love) to have an adult give them pointers on how to hold or swing a baseball bat. Many don't object to a parent's offering safety guidelines for having fun on a bike or in a pool (and if they do, too bad). Some would prefer to get their feel for ice skates or big bicycles without parents' butting in. It almost doesn't matter, however, because so many "outdoor" activities are things kids find fun quite naturally. It's the sit-down activities to which many children need that introduction by parents. After all, like walking, most large-muscle activities are things children just figure out for themselves. Sit-down activities are the thinking activities, and thinking and learning to think are not things that come as naturally, and without nurturing, as walking and running do.

Now, back to boredom and however many thousands of dollars' worth of toys a child has

Children need that mix of activities for a reason other than "just" developmental reasons (which are not to underestimated, however). They need a mix because, just like the adults among us, they don't always want to do the same thing. In fact, it's their nature (regardless of their personality) to want/need to change types of activity even if they favor one kind. Sometimes favoring one type of activity has resulted from only being encourage to be involved with one type of activity. At other times, individual differences in nature usually mean a child will lean more toward one type of activity much of the time.

One of the roles of parents is to try to expose a child to a wide range of activities as a way of encouraging good balance in development and interests. There will usually be a few activities a child simply doesn't like, but rejecting an activity out of dislike for it is different from not being exposed to it and therefore not realizing it can be fun, entertaining, or interesting.

Another reason children need a mix of activities/toys available to them is simply that they aren't always in the mood to engage in one activity or another. A child who is frazzled after a long day or school may need some fresh air and a good swing ride. The child who has been out playing with friends all afternoon may prefer the lone enjoyment of building with Legos. That child who really needs the fresh air and some playground time is likely to be bored if all he's got available at home are puzzles and books. The child who's about had enough of being around other kids all day and who doesn't have sit-down activities from which to choose is likely to be bored. Much of the time "bored" is about not having something a child feels like doing at the moment - not "not having any toys".

If that thousands of dollars' worth of activities/toys was spent on more of one kind of activity than a kid needs, it will do nothing for the child who needs a different type of activity at any one time or another. It may seem like fun (and may even be harmless) for a child to have ten bikes, six pairs of skates, or thirty-eight dolls; but a child can only play with one of any of those at any time. All the toys (or all the fancy or high-tech toys) in the world won't help entertain a child if his parents haven't provided him with enough of mix of activities (and that basic introduction to some of them) to meet his needs over the course of any given day.

Boredom in children (and at least sometimes in anyone) is often more a matter of not feeling up to doing whatever activity is available to do at the moment. A child may be hungry enough to feel like he's run out of steam but not hungry enough that his stomach is screaming at him. He may be tired enough not to fall asleep (or even be able to), but too tired to feel up to going out aqnd play on the swings.

Not to be overlooked is the fact that sometimes a child feels "tired" or out of sorts for a reason other than needing to eat or needing to relax. Children do not live by food and sleep alone, and the word, "nurturing", is often associated with "nourishing" or "encouraging growth". Children's "mental energy" and "social energy" levels need to be nurtured and energized by the adult(s) on whom children count to provide that nurturing. In fact, it's one need children often have and don't even realize they have it.

When a child is presumed to be "wanting attention" it's usually more that he needs attention. Children who show no signs of wanting attention can need attention as much as those who seem to try to get more of it. It can sometimes be that some children are more assertive in trying to have their own needs met (even if not consciously), while others may more be the type who don't really know what's wrong with them at any given time, and who may even be reasonable enough to understand that a parent is busy and simply doesn't have the time to sit down and talk with him - just him, and nobody else.

Either way, kids who need (and may not even be aware of, or long for) more high-quality attention from, and interaction with, the parents they so admire and love might either look to other children for the social interaction they need; or else not know enough, or have the opportunity, to do that; so they may either complain of "having nothing to do" or "being bored", or else become irritable/cranky. Those who feel particularly neglected (even if they don't have the words for that feeling in their own vocabularies) can be more likely to go look for some "fun" in the form of an activity that isn't acceptable to the parent. In fact, if a child feels neglected enough often enough, he may become angry enough (even if he doesn't realize that's what it is) to stop caring about pleasing parents, keeping rules, or otherwise behaving well. (After all, what has caring, keeping rules, and behaving gotten him?)

So the above are the basics about what situations tend to lead one child to act up. What about more than one child?

More Than One Child:

First, keep in mind that any group (or couple) of children is made up of individual children. All it takes to create havoc with two or more children is sometimes only one child who is, at least at the particular given moment, suffering from one of the "discomforts" described above. Much of the time it's fairly obvious to a parent when one child is causing most of the havoc. When that's the case, that one child's needs need to be addressed by the parent (even if that means separating the child from the other(s) for the moment. Since the needs of any one child in any given situation wouldn't be possible in a discussion like this, the hope here is that some of the points mentioned above may help give parents a starting point from which to begin considering what may be at the root of the one child's behavior in any given situation.

What About A Whole Bunch of Out-of-Control, Acting-Up, Kids?

Before you play the "Too-Many-Kids-to-Control Card", consider that kindergarten classes are most often populated by a good number of five-year-olds who pretty much follow the program. Yes, there's such a thing as teacher's aides; but - let's face it - a class of twenty-five kindergarten kids, divided by two or even three still means someone's dealing with at least six children at a time. Obviously, the more kids involved, the more likely will be the chances of acting up (or complete loss of control on the part of the adult). It's not, however, about numbers for the most part. This is where thinking back to that analogy of the company and its CEO can come in helpful, because when the numbers of people involved have outgrown the effects of "simple supervision", that's when the need to think about the concepts of input and responsiveness becomes key.

Nobody wants to keep all her children together with her at all times, regardless of how old they are. Children need to learn to play and to entertain themselves. They need to know how to play with other children. In fact, childhood time spent playing with siblings brings some of the most valuable and treasured memories. When the home is a place where little but negative chaos goes on (as opposed to something like the happy chaos of, say, a holiday shared with lots of children from extended family); and when a parent is always scolding children who have learned to tune her out (and lost respect for her), that's not healthy.

Here's how the multiple-kids acting up scenarios can go:

Two kids around the same age and under four

Children this young need supervision. They're not this young very long, but while they are - plain and simple - they need supervision. They can be by themselves and off in another room for a short time, but if they have too much time on their hands and away from the attention of a parent, they're going to think up stuff to do. Also, because children this young aren't really ready to play, long term, with another child of a similar age, it's usually only a matter of time before one of them does something to the other one (with the bigger one often taking advantage of the smaller one).

It doesn't help that a two-year-old, for example, isn't as emotionally able as a three-and-a-half-year-old to deal with some things. The three-and-a-half-year old isn't emotionally mature enough to see his two-year-old sibling as much younger. So, much of the time when two very young children are together, it won't take long before someone is not happy. Nor will it take long before someone thinks up something "fun" to do.

If one naps that, of course, can help at times. Other times, enjoying a meal together and making it pleasant can help put the children in a happy enough frame-of-mind that they'll be ready to play (not too far off) with a toy of their choice. With a one-year-old and a two-/three-year old, it can help to put the younger child in a high-chair or play yard for a little while, just to give each child a chance to have a little rest from the other. Having a toddler sibling take every toy you pick up is frustrating. Having a slightly older sibling knock you down or step on you is upsetting and stressful. Just as the input of that CEO might be to assure that those production people have the right environment in which to work, and just as s/he may have in place a system for keeping that work environment healthy; a parent's input isn't (as mentioned before) to stand over, or follow around, each child every minute of the day (even if the children are young enough to require being nearby the parent). It's more a matter of that parent's knowing how to keep an eye on each child's level of apparent happiness with his situation; and either sense when it's time to change what he child is doing, or else respond when one of the child is showing signs of becoming less happy, calm, or "peace-loving".

While sometimes, with the youngest children, some work has to wait until a better time; there can be times when doing something like sitting a one-year-old in his high-chair while a two-year-old builds blocks on the kitchen floor, can give a parent the chance to talk to both children while, perhaps, putting dishes away. In fact, talking ABOUT putting the dishes away can entertain young children and help build their language skills. Making sure the elder child gets his chance to play without having his younger sibling walk through, or knock down, his toys helps keep the older children from feeling frustrated more frequently than is good. (You know how frustrating it is when you do something and it gets undone immediately, or while you're doing it. It's the same with young children. Yes, they need to learn to deal with frustrations in life; but learning that will come later. Preschoolers need that sense of happy security to help them become school children who can, in fact, deal more comfortably with frustration.

Some toddlers/preschoolers are happy to do one thing longer than others are, so when it seems one needs to change what he's doing that's when to help him do something else he finds enjoyable. Children this young do need affection and attention, so one "activity" to help even two little ones feel happier and more ready to play (and deal with being one or two such young children), a parent needs, at times, to stop what she's doing and sit with both children for a "cozy time".

All this is kind of a patch-together approach to finding ways to keep two young children feeling as if they're getting attention, but before long the older one will become four or five and the younger one will become three; and the dynamics and needs will change again.

What about three children under (about) three-and-a-half or four?

This starts to get into more children per adult than is ideal, but one of two different approaches might help:

1. Divide-and-conquer (well, forget that word, "conquer"; that's not a nice word to use when talking about babies and younger children). The approach, however, can work. If two of the children are near in age, and one is of a different age; breaking things up by adding a nap time or setting up the right-aged children to play together in one place can keep everyone happy for awhile. One napping child and one under each of a parent's arms as they have a story read can keep things calm for awhile. Two having a meal at the table while a third is off playing and doing his own thing can break up the threesome and make things more manageable. These are just examples, but you get the idea.

2. "The Preschool Approach". This approach requires forgetting about doing anything else (for the most part) and just gathering up all three children (or keeping them all together) and acting like a preschool teacher, which means focusing on them as a group, aiming to make the time together enjoyable, and cleaning the house when they're all asleep. The "now-we're-all-going-to-go-do-this" approach can keep three little folks happy, because they feel like a part of a group and feel as if they're getting that attention that little kids do need. It's not individual attention, but "team attention" can make young children feel valued too. It's when children feel forgotten that they often tend to act up (especially little ones).

Two children of any age older than three and a half

With two children of any older ages, acting up may happen when one or both are kids who haven't learned to enjoy sit-down, quiet, time (either alone or with someone else). Acting up also happens when neither child respects the parent or the rules, and the parent has completely lost control of the family (or at least the two kids in question). It can also happen when one or both kids are upset/frazzled from spending too much time with the other child. As always, one child's having some need is another possible cause of acting up (often with the other child either not being "guilty" at all, or else with the other child's aggravating, or even causing, the unhappiness in his sibling/playmate).

Input (as far as arranging who is playing or doing what where) isn't as much a factor for children beyond preschool age. Responsiveness remains a very important thing for the parent. With two children, knowing what each is doing and where is, of course, something the parent still needs to pay attention to. If Child A is off in his bedroom, building blocks or doing puzzles; it's unlikely any acting up will involve Child A. If Child B is in the family room, watching his favorite program on TV, it's unlikely acting up will happen. Ordinarily, with older children, all the parent needs to do is pay attention to where each child is. If both children are together, keeping an ear on whether things sound happy and peaceful (but not too quiet) is all a parent needs to do.

It's important for parents to keep in mind that because two children are children, it doesn't mean they should always be together. Each child is an individual and needs his own time. Of course, time with a sibling is important too. Usually, when that Child A tires of his blocks, or Child B's program goes off the air, that's when the two children will end up playing together. That, though, is also when acting up is more likely to happen. Older children aren't usually guilty of taking the markers to the walls or flooding the bathroom with water when playing in the sink. Older kids tend to act up more by way of fighting, "going wild", or teasing the other.

Some parents refuse to "get in the middle" when two kids are fighting. As a result, both kids are unhappy. One or both may be feeling victimized and unheard. Punishing both is unfair, because sometimes it's only one who deserves any consequences for bad behavior. Fighting tends to escalate with kids if nobody does anything to stop it.

My own approach with my children was to keep an ear tuned to whether or not things sounded harmonious. Since disagreements tend to involve louder voices, it didn't take long to know there was a problem. I'd firmly tell my children to separate. That gave them the option of choosing what else and where else they may like to play, but because they'd been otherwise enjoying their play (before the fight broke out), neither usually wanted to really end the play. I'd hear them suddenly discussing how, exactly, they would work out their disagreement; because, if there was one thing they agreed on it was that they didn't want to go off and play by themselves. Oddly, perhaps, they usually seemed to suddenly realize how much they really liked the other. It was like hitting a "reset" button and giving them a fresh start as friends again.

I'd like to add a funny little story here about this:

My two sons are five years apart, and my younger son was three when his baby sister was born. So, when my daughter was in the area of a year old her brothers were nine and four. They usually played well together (the age difference helped), but every so often my husband or I would hear a squabble breaking out. One or the other of us would firmly call, "separate", as I've mentioned. One day I was in the grocery store with my about-one-year-old little girl, and she started opening a package (of, I think, cheese). I gently took the cheese from her hand and said something (sweetly) like, "Ooh, no opening the cheese.". My close-to-one-year-old daughter looked up at me, straight in the eye, and said (in a not very sweet tone), "SEPARATE!!!" She had apparently figured out that the word, "separate", involved indicating one's displeasure with a situation.

If my sons hadn't have been kids who pretty much always decided they'd rather work out their disagreements than separate, I would have made sure they, in fact, separated. Non-stop fighting makes everyone upset for one reason or another. Kids who are upset tend to act up in one way or another; if they don't, they're often left feeling as if someone hasn't stepped in, been responsive to their complaints, or otherwise made them feel better and acknowledged.

Teasing and Tormenting

Worse than fighting is teasing and tormenting. Regardless of their age, there's often one kid who enjoys teasing or tormenting the other. That means one kid is a bully, and one is victim. A little bit of teasing that is stopped by parents is something that's going on. When one child is allowed to continue to tease and torment a sibling or peer, that child doesn't learn that bullying is not OK and not funny. In the meantime, the child being victimized has nobody to step in and tell his bully to stop. Also, a child who has come to believe that interacting with other children is a matter of a bigger (or more aggressive) one bullying and taking advantage of the other is likely to become a bully to someone smaller than he is.

It's now known that children who bully outside are often children who experience/witness violence and bullying at home. That can include siblings, often older ones. The child who isn't stopped from bullying a less aggressive, or smaller, sibling (verbally or physically) isn't going to learn how unacceptable that behavior is. The child who isn't protected from it will grow up experiencing, essentially, abuse. During childhood, that child may have anger because nobody stops the mistreatment. This means that one or both of the children in this particular equation are likely to act up (but with different causes of that acting up).

"Going Wild"

The opposite of fighting (and often the precursor to it) is often two kids who have such a great time rough-housing things start to get out of control. Depending on where this takes place, it may or may not seem like acting up at first. It's just fun (unless, of course, it's on a trip to the car insurance office when the parent has requested the two children behave well while she's there on business). The trouble is, rough-housing (as just about all mothers know) tends to end up with someone getting hurt and/or crying. Rough-housing can also escalate to the point where, for example, the lamps and other things in the room are at risk of being destroyed.

Going wild isn't particularly "acting up" unless and until someone gets tired of it. The thing is, however, that parents can tire of it sooner than kids tend to. If things have gotten too out-of-control, telling the children to separate can help. Making it clear to them that the behavior is too wild for indoors can help send the message that the parent knows they aren't really doing anything wrong, but that the behavior has to be limited for a number of reasons. Kids have a lot of energy. Ideally, they should be given plenty of opportunity to use up a lot of that energy in a location where it's more appropriate than indoors. Two kids who are asked to stop going wild in the house (especially if the behavior has been going on for a little while) aren't being stifled or repressed if they've had lots of time for active behavior at other times during the day. They're learning that there's a time and place for everything, and sometimes that there has to be a limit to some things. Explaining this type of reasoning to children can help them see that there's a reason for being asked to stop (at least for awhile) without making them feel as if simple play (which is what it is) is something that brings about a parent's anger or disapproval.

Kids tend to respect parent when they see sound reasoning in any rules or requests for shifts in behavior. The parent who treats two kids who have been "going wild" as if they're "bad" is likely to lose children's respect, mainly because children aren't stupid and DO know right from wrong. They may not automatically think about how "going wild" can result in broken lamps or awakened younger siblings; but most understand and respect sound and fair reasoning when they hear it.

A few years ago I was babysitting a friend's three kids. Not long after she left, the two younger children started "going wild". I said to them that I didn't know if they did "that jumping off stuff" when their mother was home (and I didn't), but since it was my job to make sure no accidents happened to them, I was asking them to find something quieter to play. Often, that's pretty much all it takes to get kids from "going wild" to playing something more constructive.

With three of more kids (either three or older or else of different ages), whether or not the chances of acting up increase can depend on the kids and the situation.

On the one hand, three children playing together often results in a two-against-one situation (which means someone, or all three, isn't going to be happy). That, of course, means there's the chance that some version of acting up (even if it's only arguing) is likely to occur. The choices are generally either the "separate" approach, or else help the odd-man-out child to find something else to do for awhile. Another approach might be to become more hands on with supervision for awhile. Encouraging that odd-man-out child to spend time with the parent or other adult has the possibility of showing that child that if he wants attention of the parent/adult, the way to get it is not to get along with the other two children. Three children may have a harder time making peace with the "separate" approach,; so, by virtue of there being three of them, it may make sense for the adult to just go act as moderator. There are times when even adults need moderators to help settle differences or squabbles. A child in a two-against-one situation can feel more out-numbered than he's able to deal with.

Three or more children of approximately the same age can sometimes be so engaged with the group there may be less chance of acting up occurring. Three or more children can feel, and behave, like a "team" or a "club". Three or more kids together can even feel like a party (in the best sense of the word). It can also seem, instead, like a party in the worst sense of the word, or else a circus or a zoo.

In general, kids of about the same age tend to work out (and work together) better than kids of very different ages. As with the youngest of children, the adult's input can make the difference if/when that adult knows how to arrange things in a way that children of similar ages are clustered together, with, perhaps, any substantially older or younger ones being set up (encouraged, directed, advised) to engage in activities separate from the group of same-aged kids.

This isn't to say that different-aged kids can't enjoy playing/behaving in a group. It's just that if/when children are in that group together too long there's the chance things won't remain peaceful after awhile (or else that everyone will just get out of control and stop hearing requests to play more calmly). The point is, if there's a ten-year-old, an eight-year-old, two five-year-olds and a toddler; having the two older kids go do their homework and keeping the toddler with the parent is more likely to leave the two five-year-olds playing happily (at least for awhile).

Sometimes the difference between a party (of the nicest kind), club, or team and a circus, zoo, or party of the least desirable kind is supervision. There's a point where too many kids in one place just plain need supervision. Parties need adults. Teams need coaches. Clubs need leaders. If a parent (or babysitter) doesn't know how to break up a group of children into more manageable situations, and into situations in which each child feels as if someone has been paying attention; that's when a parent can run into the need to be a zoo-keeper, ringmaster, or enforcer. This is when you start having people hang from chandeliers and generally acting up. If a parent doesn't know how to break up an rambunctious group into something more positive and nurturing, it's just better to go supervise the whole lot of the kids and become a part of (at least) supervised fun.

Children tend to respect adults who treat them with genuine respect (which is very different from walking-on-eggshells in order to get an badly behaved child to cooperate). An overall attitude that "in this house we treat others with respect" not only gives kids a reasonable expectation; but when parents treat children with genuine respect (especially when it comes to how they're spoken to) it sets an example of how respectful behavior towards others is done. If and when a child decides to try yelling at his parent (and not all try it, by any means), there's something to be said for being able to firmly tell that child, "Look. We don't talk to you that way, and you will not talk to us that way either." The parents who DO talk to their child "that way" pretty much don't have a leg to stand on and will generally be left choosing between either escalating verbal violence to physical violence or else living with a child who doesn't have a shred of respect for them.

When adults lose control they also lose children's respect. The "wait-til-so-and-so-gets-home" approach isn't good because it shows children that one parent is not sufficiently in charge to be worthy of respect. The way to stay in charge and maintain respect is to act like a team leader and have a kind of take-it-for-granted tone and attitude that children will follow the adult's lead.

What about those times when kids act up to the point where some kind of consequences seem in order? With kids who are young enough to be "acting up" at home, consequences don't have to be (and shouldn't be) "big and dramatic". A consequence for a child guilty of something like not stopping back-talking, or for acting aggressively toward siblings/peers might be something like not going out to for breakfast or lunch with a parent, not having anything bought for him on the next shopping trip, or not being allowed to go the movies with a friend and his family.

When kids are acting up, and they know a parent means business and will follow through with consequences, usually they'll behave better. Telling children that planned trip to Disney World is going to be cancelled because of their behavior one afternoon usually doesn't work (because they usually know the trip will be on anyway, and it's just something the parent is saying to scare them into behaving). Telling them there will be no going out for lunch after grocery shopping is more in keeping with acting up behavior; and provided the parent sticks with that consequence, it's something a child will take more seriously.

Finally, it's worth mentioning that parents need to be careful about what they call, "acting up". Some behavior is clearly acting up: Talking back to a parent, hurting or harrassing a sibling, not stopping horseplay in Grandma's living room when asked - these are all examples of acting up. Sometimes, however, children engage in behavior that a parent doesn't want going on, or doesn't know how to deal with, when - really - it isn't acting up. It's just kids being kids.

How many times has any of us been in the grocery store and seen a mother with a couple of kids. One may be crying because he's tired of sitting in the shopping cart, or because he needs his lunch; and the mother may be using a surprisingly cold voice as she says to her three-year-old, "How many times did I tell you NOT to ask for candy when we're here!" The child in the shopping cart may (as my daughter did) open a package, which makes the mother further aggravated as she thinks about how her young children "act up" when they're in the store.

I don't know if there's anyone among us who had siblings and who didn't whine to a parent that his sibling was "looking at him" (to which the sibling most often replied, "Well, he was looking at me first!").

Sometimes what amounts to acting up in one place wouldn't be acting up somewhere else. Kids sometimes need to learn that there's a place for everything (or at least a place for a lot of things), but wanting to play baseball in Aunt Susie's dining room isn't necessarily acting up. It's sometimes just being a kid and needing someone to point out why baseball in the dining room isn't a great idea.

Some people call it acting up when young children cry or whine. Kids who cry or whine (or complain about being bored) often don't even know what's wrong with them, and what's making them feel unhappy; but figuring out 1) that something is bothering the child, and 2) what it is is what parents are supposed to be for.

There are times when a parent wouldn't call a child's behavior "acting up" if that behavior were more convenient for the parent, or if she were more "in the mood for it". The rules for behavior in a household and a family cannot vary, based on what's convenient for the parent or what she's in the mood for. The rules must be consistent, or children won't understand them (or else won't think anyone really "means it" all the time). There can't be one parent who allows a child to jump on the couch and another one who tells him he shouldn't do that.

My own kids didn't do a whole lot of acting up. Our biggest "issue" was primarily those times when a squabble would break out, often after my daughter had gotten big enough to be that "odd-man-out" who happened also to be the youngest and a girl. None of them acted up alone. They didn't act up when we were all together and enjoying our time together. My first never acted up as a little boy but did make up for that some once he turned fifteen and decided it was time to question some of my ideas about right and wrong. The two little ones, with impish senses-of-humor and enough certainty that I had a sense-of-humor too weren't above teasing the life out of me from the backseat of the car. It didn't happen often enough to be a big problem, but there were a few times when, truly, I "wasn't in the mood". When you're up against a couple of teasers who have simply let their senses of humor (and certainty that you have one too) get a little out of hand, it can be best to enjoy a little bit of laugh with them (takes the fun out of the teasing for them) and regain your ordinarily respected parental role.

Then again, now that those two impish "elves" (who delighted, every so often, in teasing their good natured mother) are in their twenties, I realize that their trying out using their senses of humor back then wasn't just practicing humor but also a kind of bonding between brother and sister who learned that, at times in this life, there's something very valuable in having a certain kind of bond, and shared aims, with a sibling. Perhaps equally important, if I ask myself what is one of the most important things that helps kids and parents stay emotionally close, one of those things would be laughing together.

When it comes to which kids act up and which ones mostly don't, I tend to think it's the parents who know how to make their children laugh, and who know enough to enjoy their children's attempts to make them laugh, who will find themselves least worrying about children acting up.