How Lack of Respect For A Spouse Can Lead to Divorce

Some causes of divorce are obvious.  Someone is unfaithful.  Someone else has substance-abuse problem that bring such havoc to the home environment the other person can no longer live with it.    There are, of course, people who hurried into marriage too young, or maybe just "too infatuated" (rather than truly loving the other person).  Abuse is another cause of divorces.  In fact, when it comes to abuse, too few people even get that divorce that would allow them to once again call their lives their own.

The oft cited (and sometimes too casually cited) divorce rate ("half of all marriages end in divorce") can be misleading, because it's actually been found that people who marry in their early twenties play a big part in (at least) the American divorce rate, with people who marry between 25 and 29 playing a slightly smaller part while also factoring into the divorce rate more than many who marry at 30 and over.  Among divorced men, those who married under 20, and men who married between 30 and 34 years old, share a similar percentage of all divorced people (11.7% and 11.6% as of the time the statistics were gathered), respectively.  Divorced women who married under 20 make up the third highest percentage (28.6%) of divorced people, with divorce men who married between 20 and 25 making up a whopping 38.8% all divorced people (again, in the US) and women who married in that age range making up an almost equally whopping 36.6%.

Without attempting to analyze differences between the sexes with regard to the age at the time of being married, or analyzing what factors generally go along with any age (regardless of whether or not people are married), it may at least be worth noting that it is now known that the human brain is not completely finished developing until the early- to mid- twenties.  The prefrontal cortex is the last part of the brain to mature, and depending on exactly how well developed this part of the brain is in any young adult, an "unfinished" brain can affect the way an individual thinks.

Based on figures obtained from divorcerate.org (and keeping in mind that numbers like this reflect trends, which can and do change), the divorce rate in America for first marriage is 41%
The divorce rate in America for second marriage is 60%, and the divorce rate in America for third marriage is 73%

Based on the above statistics, it can seem fairly obvious that, when it comes to divorces that aren't caused by those "obvious" things first mentioned here, a lot of divorces are caused by simply marrying too young; while others (resulting from second and third marriages) may be caused by people who weren't very good at being married the first time around, or else have "issues" that make them attracted to the wrong kind of person, and generally don't know how to fix whatever it was that led them to divorce the first time around.

So there you have it.  In relatively few words, I'm pretty summed up most causes of divorce.  All I need to do is throw in that "old chestnut" about how "people just aren't willing to work hard enough at saving their marriage", and the other "old chestnut" about how people need to learn to communicate; and - voila - we can all move on to some other issue that plagues society, right?  Not so fast.   All that information above is fine, dandy, and pretty easy for anyone to come by; so why, then, are so many people dismally surprised to find themselves divorced?

Almost worst than discovering oneself divorced (at trying so hard to save a marriage, or after hoping so much a spouse would want to) can be finding oneself divorced in a world that so often seems to have no clue about how divorces can happen; and in fact, that far too often sees divorced people as inherently flawed, weak, and/or lazy.

What doesn't help the situation is that there are plenty of experts and self-appointed who pretty much regurgitate a whole lot of the already available information (often in order to sell books, but sometimes just by way of protecting their own sense of marital stability by believing that all divorces "must be" caused by something someone else is, or does, rather than something even seemingly happily married people may face on day).

So what are some of those not-so-well-publicized and/or not-so-well-understood causes of divorce?   One major one may be lack of respect; or, to better describe the problem, lack of understanding of what the word, "respect", really means.

Most people know that there needs to be mutual respect in a marriage (many don't, of course).  What people may not realize, though, is that what looks like respect isn't always respect, or else what seems like respect is really only partial respect.

Treating the other person with respect is one thing, but treating the other person with respect isn't the only thing.  Further, one person's idea of "treating the other with respect" often overlooks some of the smaller ways in which spouses don't always extend beyond "overall respect", and truly respect the other in, and in spite of, smaller ways.

While, of course, absolute and utter lack of respect will be pretty obvious in a marriage, there is that "secret" lack of respect that one spouse may have toward the other.

The best way to point out the different types of respect (and lack of it) is through the use of over-simplified "True-or-False" statements that may or may not reflect the thoughts (or words) of any spouse:

1.  "My spouse is a worthless jerk."
 
This one was easy, with regard to detecting lack of respect, right?  (Why are you staying married to someone who is a "worthless jerk" anyway?)

One question you may want to ask, though, is whether your ego allows you to feel superior to your spouse; and whether you're getting something about of staying in a marriage in which you feel superior.

2.  "My spouse is a woman.  I'm a man.  I absolutely respect my spouse for the wonderful WOMAN she is - but still, I'm a man, so it just goes without saying that I'm the one who deserves the most respect."

This one is a common one, and it can sometimes be a very dangerous one in terms of risks to the marriage. 

This one doesn't always have to be a destroyer-of-marriage, provided your spouse doesn't have that "little bugaboo" of expecting you to know she just may be emotionally stronger, generally smarter, or smarter in some ways, than you are; and expecting you to recognize that all human beings are of equal value and worthy of equal respect.   The thing is, though, this isn't really a "bugaboo", is it? 

If your family or your culture have ingrained in your the belief that men are superior to women,  there's the chance that you may find a spouse who was raised in the same culture, and who doesn't question those cultural beliefs.   For the most part, however, you are living in your own little world; and the only hope of having a spouse stay with you in that world is to find spouse who lives in the same little world anyway (and who won't get sick of "the arrangement" after awhile, which even women from that same little world often do).

If the above statement is one that you'd say is "true" of your thinking, there isn't much anyone can say that will change your thinking.  Just don't be surprised if this thinking leads to a divorce, and don't blame your spouse if/when it does. 

3.  "My spouse is a wonderful mother/father, and I have tremendous respect for that.  S/he is, however, kind of lacking in ____________________".

The above blank could be filled in with any number of things, but Number 3 above shows that you only respect your spouse as the parent s/he is - not as an "overall human being" and/or as a spouse.  This isn't good.  It might be great if you were your spouse's child,  but it doesn't help when it comes to kind of respect your spouse needs as a human being.   All that deep and true admiration you have for the kind of parent your spouse is may be wonderful (and it's certainly better than not noticing what a wonderful parent s/he is), but it just isn't enough. 

While there's always the possibility your spouse really isn't worthy of respect for anything else he is/does, there's the chance that you don't see very real reasons s/he is worthy of respect simply because you think differently or because you don't understand your spouse well enough.

Better communication might help here, but sometimes one spouse has little respect for other because the other lacks something the "non-respecting" spouse values.  Ego can be at the root of this kind of lack respect, and ego will be discussed more later.

4. "My education/work is better than my spouse's, which means I'm smarter/superior."  (A variation of this is, "My education is better than my spouse's, which shows how I'm someone who followed through, worked hard, studied, and did what it took to become as highly educated and wonderful as I am - which means I'm just generally a superior person.")

Here's what your mother, father, teachers and professors never taught you:  Your academic achievement is neither a measure of your innate intelligence, your overall understanding of "everything in life", nor your worth as a person.   You may be at particular risk of this kind of thinking if you're one of the few, or the only, in your family who reached your level of education.  It doesn't matter if you're the only Ph.D. in the family, or if you're the only one who graduated high-school.  Being "the first", "the only", or "one of the few" places you at risk of this kind of thinking if your mother didn't teach you any better when you were twelve.

In fairness to you, your family may have nurtured your own belief that a person who has achieved a certain level of education is superior in some way.  In reality, your education only resulted in "so much" knowledge/understanding in one or a relative few areas (and there's even the chance those who taught you didn't know some of the things they should have).   If you've been too busy working on becoming educated or else working in the field your education has allowed you to work in,  there's a good chance you haven't had a lot of time to concentrate on learning a lot of other things in life. 

Besides, the facts-of-life with regard to education are this:  People have a range of abilities when it comes to thinking/cognitive processes.  The person with a Ph.D. in Chemical Engineering may be an absolute "dummy" when it comes to being gifted in understanding human nature.   Conversely, the person who is gifted as a child psychologist may be an absolute "dummy" when it comes to Chemical Engineering.  Another fact-of-life is that educational achievement (while it isn't something truly "stupid" or "lazy" people are likely to achieve) is not necessarily (and may seldom be) an indication of a certain IQ.

Not everyone has the opportunity to pursue one level of education or another.  In fact, schools often lose students with the highest IQ's because many people working in the educational system do not know how to meet the needs of students with the highest IQ's.

A secondary issue for anyone who lacks respect for those without equal academic achievement is that they often value academic achievement and/or the income to which it can lead over a lot of other things in life.  They may even value the field in which they've reached their level of academic achievement or career success over other fields.  This is often based on what society seems to value most at any given time; so, for example, the physicist married to a nurse may have just a little less respect for his/her nurse/spouse.

Then again, the experienced and highly trained  nurse may not quite respect his/her software-designer spouse because s/he values the "life-saving" nature of his/her field, as compared to designing software.

This kind of thinking can be pretty ingrained, but recognizing it may be a first step in beginning to re-think exactly how much respect your spouse may deserve as a human being (even one without a resume or academic accomplishment as "impressive" as yours).  If nothing else, it may help if someone tells you one thing (and I'm going to be that person):  No matter how impressive your education, career, or field may be; there's a good chance the world is pretty much full of a lot of people who have achieved equally impressive things in equally impressive fields (or even the same field).

Number 4 may or may not be a factor in Number 5:

5.  "I make more money than my spouse does.  Therefore, I'm superior."  (A variation of this one is, "I bring home all the money, and my spouse stays home and 'only' takes care of the children and home, so even though my spouse is a wonderful person, I'm superior; and I've earned the right to assume my spouse knows nothing about money or earning it.")

Number 5 is a common way of thinking, and it's a sad and misguided one.    Again, it's not enough to respect a spouse for being a "wonderful person" or for working hard to take care of children and the home.    This is yet another way of valuing the wrong things in life, by believing earning equals superiority.

With this kind of thinking the first mistake is to in believing the money and income are the measure of a person's worth.    What's often also equally misguided about this kind of thinking (often in the case of stay-at-home moms) is the belief that because someone isn't earning today what you are earning means that person has never been capable of earning, or will never be capable of earning, the same way you are.  In the case of stay-at-home moms, women often leave high-powered (or at least well-paying) jobs in order to do what they believe is best for their children.  Some women stay home with children who came along before the woman got a chance to build a career (or at least gain work experience and/or more training).  Some may be far more skilled at managing money than their earning husbands are.

Many stay-at-homes are not at all happy with the idea that they are "living on their husband's money", but they've made a sacrifice in order to do what is best for their (and their husband's) children. Whether or not a husband (or wife) sees any value in child-rearing, the point is that reserving respect only for those who earn a "respectable income" is never a healthy way of thinking.

Number 6 is related to Number 2 ("....I'm a man and deserve more respect"), but Number 6 is less blatent; but while it may be husbands who are more often guilty of it, wives can be guilty of it too":

6.   "Of course, I respect my spouse as a person, and treat him/her with respect - but if you think I should listen to his opinions on ________________ then, no." A variation of this kind of thinking is, "I'll listen to what s/he has to say about SOME things, but s/he doesn't know what s/he's talking about in a lot of ways."

This is a sneaky one because it often has to do with the guilty party's just not being able to imagine that his/her spouse may know what s/he is talking about and/or doing.  At the root of this kind of lack of respect are often personality differences and/or demeanors.   Also at the root of this kind of thinking can be "hardwiring" (whether that's associated with the biological "hardwiring" associated with evolution, or just, perhaps, the other kind of "hardwiring" that took place in a person's childhood, as he learned something like only listening to the person with the loudest and "meannest" voice, or only pay attention to the "biggest and scariest" of adults).

This kind of lack of respect can come, for example, when one person thinks being quiet or nice amounts to be weak or stupid.  Human nature is such that there can be a tendency to for a lot of people not to realize how strong or intelligent a quiet, "nice", person may actually be.  Something that's often misunderstood is that some seemingly "quiet and nice" people actually believe that self-control and not "hitting below the belt" is a quality to be admired.  The "quiet" person who won't hit below the belt often loses respect for his more demonstrative spouse; while the more demonstrative spouse may believe his quiet partner is "too easy going" and not deserving of respect.

A lot of men (and even some women) can have trouble overcoming the biological hardwiring that makes them want to control, protect, or compete with,  or try to take on a parenting role with other adults (often women) who have/show traits that are most associated with female sexuality, particularly those traits that contribute to female appeal.  Without a whole lot of analysis of the ways in which than can play a role in lack of respect, to put it simply, people who aren't sufficiently beyond their own biological hardwiring to be able to relate to (and respect) the other person as an individual, rather than someone who brings out his/her biological hardwiring (whether that's the hardwiring associated with male dominance, or with female competition).

Generally, female traits found most attractive by males in the animal kingdom are those that give off signs of youth and good health.  People (men or women) with young looking faces and soft features can have more trouble getting respect from someone who isn't "above" his biological hardwiring enough to relate to them as equals.   People (men or women) who have traits/demeanors that are generally associated with what works best in male sexuality can have less trouble gaining "automatic" respect from others.

So, sometimes, the spouse who says, "  "I'll listen to what s/he has to say about SOME things, but s/he doesn't know what s/he's talking about in a lot of ways." is really indicating that "there's something about" the other spouse that makes truly respecting what s/he has to say, regardless of what s/he is talking about, difficult - and that "something" can be related to how "gentle" or "feminine" or "young" that other person seems.

The person (woman or man) who "gives off" strong enough signs/traits associated with female sexuality isn't always dealing with someone else's "male-sexuality" hardwiring response.  With competing for the more desirable male at the root of hardwiring related to female sexuality, the man or woman who triggers a "hardwiring" response in "the wrong person" may also be triggering that "competitive" response.   Where does lack of respect come in here?  Any time someone in in a "competitive mode" it isn't likely s/he will also be a mode of considering the possibility that the other person may be capable, worthy of respect, and know what s/he is talking about.  Competiveness is generally about proving one's superiority over the rival, which points to a kind of thinking that isn't generally conducive to respecting the other individual. 

We often associate some biases (with regard to more-versus-less-respect) with culture/society, but there can also be a built-in tendency to go with the "laws of the jungle" when it comes to who respects whom.    Bigger, "scarier-looking", people often get more respect than small, unintimidating, people.  Voices that "roar" can get more respect than gentle or small voices.  Small, frail-looking, elderly people often get less respect from others (even when some elderly people may be as capable, intelligent, and emotionally strong as ever).  Children, and and adults who seem too young to be worthy of respect to some people, may have trouble being respected because of others' "hardwiring" tendency to try to parent; or else someone else's tendency to want to compete (which means, essentially, eliminating the competition by proving superiority - rather than respecting and even risking seeing the other person as equal, or even superior, in some way).

The point is, if you're someone who tends to only respect your spouse on some things, but who often second-guesses or otherwise disregards what your spouse says or thinks; there's a good chance you're someone who can't overcome that "something" about your spouse that's just too hard for you to overcome - and much of the time, that "something" is a spouse who is a woman (and a feminine one), and your biological hardwiring won't let you get past that.  Again, though, if you're someone who would check "true" for Number 6, there's also the chance there are things in your demeanor/personality that would generally be associated with male sexuality; even if you're a woman and your spouse is a man.

But, how reasonable is it to expect anyone to completely respect everything his spouse says, when a good part time of the time that spouse may be wrong?  Very reasonable, and here's why: "Respecting" doesn't mean "buying everything someone says".  It means understanding that most of the time what someone says is likely to have a valid aspect to it.  Most of the time the person who, for example, knows nothing about basketball will not expect to be viewed as an "expert" on basketball in day-to-day conversations.  Most people are more sensible and reasonable than that.

What happens between couples isn't usually a matter of something as clear-cut as that.  More often, it may be something along the lines of one spouse wanting to spend for one thing or another; and the other not seeing the "need" for that item.  Spouse #1, just not being able to imagine that Spouse #2 may have sound and respect-worthy reasoning for wanting to make the purchase, will "write off" the ideas of Spouse #2 out of an automatic dismissal that comes in response to so many things Spouse #2 says, does, or thinks.

7.  "I mostly respect my spouse, but not when he allows his emotions to get the best of him.  I'm someone who can control my emotions and who operates on reason and logic."

If this statement is "true" for you, you may be a man or a woman.  Contary to popular belief, there are women who operate on logic and reason; and there are both men and women who have trouble controlling their emotions.

When you have worked hard at, learned to, and/or come to value self-control as sign of maturity: it's hard to respect someone else's inability to control his emotions or let them be his guide in how he handles things or thinks.

Depending on how extreme the other person's inability to control his emotions is, it may be somewhat reasonable to lose respect for a spouse like this; but it isn't reasonable to allow the situation to continue to erode away at whatever respect you do have for your spouse, or at the relationship, itself.

There's the chance your spouse is suffering with depression, anxiety, or just too much stress; but it's something that needs to be addressed between you both, even if that means getting help from a professional.

8.  "How can I respect my spouse after s/he has messed up so many times?"

People often can't help but lose respect for a spouse who has "messed up" too many times.  Whether your spouse has messed up with money, caused problems with your family, cheated on the taxes, or cheated on you; it can be difficult to keep having respect for someone who just keeps messing up. 

The continued messing up may, in itself, lead to a divorce; but if it doesn't,  the lack of the respect that can result from it may.   If Number 8 is true for you, you may say you have forgiven your spouse for all the mess-ups, but you just can't respect him/her any longer.  You may believe you love him/her but "just not the stuff s/he keeps doing". 

The problem is that two essential ingredients to love are admiration and respect, so if you don't have that respect what you're feeling for your spouse may not be "real" love any longer.  It's probably something else.

If you're willing to stay in a marriage with a spouse who keeps messing up that's, of course, your choice; but if you plan to stay you need to find a way to respect that individual as a human being, even if you can't respect him/her for those things s/he has done.  In other words, you may have to find a way to keep forgiving and forgetting, because if you keep "remembering" you may have your ability to respect that person continually challenged.  This is a pretty tall order, of course, but if you can't find some way to muster up at least the level of respect that each human being needs from a partner, your lack of respect for that individual is likely to lead to divorce (one way or another), even if you don't let his/her mess-ups lead to it.

There's something about mess-ups that people need to understand, and that is that sometimes the person who keeps messing up has actually been trying to do what s/he believes is the right thing.  Not losing respect for that person before having some substantial conversation about his motives may help prevent you from losing respect at all.  Some marriages have one partner who "keeps his hands clean" and leaves dealing with the difficult stuff to the other; and another partner who will willing to "do what it takes" to try to solve some problem.  "Do-ers" are more likely to look blame-worthy if/when a mess occurs.  Sometimes, though, what's behind messing up is simply be braving enough to risk looking bad and/or having to take the blame if something doesn't work out.

On the other hand, there are spouses who have "issues" and just keep doing one thing after another to mess up.  Separating may be the answer.  Getting help may be the answer.  Staying together and living without respect for that person shouldn't be an option, and usually won't be one forever.

9.  "I respect my spouse as a person, but I can't entirely respect him/her because  - I'm sorry - s/he has let him/herself go, and I just can't respect that."

If Number 9 is true for you, this is a sad one; because too many people see "letting him/herself go" as being "lazy", "indulgent", "ignorant about health", and/or "not caring any more".  Most people, husbands or wives, who appear to have "let themselves go" have done so because they're often too overworked, too stressed out, too exhausted, too taken for granted, and (sometimes) too misunderstood.

The wife is too exhausted and overworked to do more than thrown on some jeans and a top, or get her hair cut in a way that's "easy"; or the husband who is too overworked and exhausted to do more than sack out on the couch with a beer, usually isn't very happy with his own, or the shared, situation.    People who have to keep going "no matter what" often have to take in some extra calories in order to have the energy.  If long stress has the person's adrenal gland worn out, that person won't have the energy to exercise any more than a car without gas will have what it takes to go.  When a couple has major worries and stresses both of them may find themselves gaining weight or having trouble caring a whole lot about things like pedicures or special dinners out.

Sometimes, too, it isn't what the couple is going through.  Instead, it's what one spouse is going through, often as a result of the behavior of the very spouse who believes s/he has "let himself go".

If Number 9 is true for you, you may want to ask whether the cause of your spouse's stress and exhaustion is something you both share.  Mothers, perhaps more than fathers, have no choice but to keep going and keep trying to pretend all is fine for the children.  Fathers may be more likely to sack out on the couch, assured that their wife will keep the children oblivious to the difficulties surrounding the couple.  Some fathers are oblivious to the need children have to continue to feel secure and happy in spite of their parents' worries/struggles.    Either way, something to ask is whether the "let go" person is dealing with shared worries/struggles; or whether it seems s/he is going through his own, personal, worries/struggles. 

If the stress is shared by both of you, try to work on the smartest ways to play whatever temporary hand you've been dealt, and on ways to support one another.  Respect that people deal with things different, and understand that sometimes it is a person's strength and will to keep going that, in fact, leads him to do whatever it takes to do just that.

If, as a couple, it seems as your spouse is the only one who is unhappy; rather than not respecting him/her, it may be a good idea to ask what, if anything, you are doing or not doing to contribute to that unhappiness.

Most of the time, the spouse who seems to have let him/herself go didn't do it intentionally, is stressed out and unhappy because circumstances have contributed to it, and would like nothing better than to regain control of his/her own life.

With Number 9, sometimes the lack of respect comes after the person seems to have let him/herself go; but sometimes it comes first and is followed by the behavior that leads to "letting oneself go". 

Either way, lack of respect for this reason is a serious warning flag for any marriage.

Other statements about not respecting a spouse are:

10.  "My spouse has zero ambition.  How can I respect him/her?"
11.  "All my spouse cares about is his/her job, not our family."
12.   All my spouses cares about is a clean house.  I can't respect someone who thinks that's 'the most important thing in the world'".
13.  "What a giant, slob, my spouse is.  How can I respect someone who either doesn't care about 'living like a pig' or else who doesn't respect me enough to 'make an effort'"?

Obviously, with issues like these it's always better to talk honestly about them (even if that means getting into counseling as a couple), rather than just allowing yourself to lose respect for the other person.  Keep in mind that the other person usually has a side too.  If he doesn't have a "legitimate" side there's the chance he isn't exactly the best "marriage material" in the first place; but often, the other person does have a "legitimate side". 

It's never good to assume either.  For example, are you sure your spouse doesn't have any ambition, or might s/he have stopped talking about it out of knowing it would have to wait and not wanting to appear to be talking about "pipe-dreams"?  Did you both have similar ambitions (or lack of them) before you were going out, but then you changed?  (In which case, you really have no right to suddenly stop respecting the other person.)  Did "life get in the way" of your spouse's ambitions?  What kind of ambition are you thinking about - the kind that will lead to "great and important things" or the kind that will simply get you a permanent and stable roof over your heads?

With the "only cares about.." kind of complaint, often the other person cares very much about all the important things in life; and, in fact, whatever it is s/he is doing or not doing is actually the result of caring - not caring.  So, again, this kind of complaint requires some real communication; but "real communication" cannot take place if one person has already put up a wall by refusing to respect the other person.

Some behavior "plain, old" is not very respect-worthy; and communication (or counseling) can help point out why some behaviors will result in loss of the respect of the other person.  The boorish husband who doesn't respect his wife enough to pick up after himself will lose the respect of his wife; and after she puts up with his demonstration of lack of regard for her long enough,  this person is likely to lose her marriage, as well.

Here's a particularly destructive kind of lack of respect:

14.  "I love and respect my spouse, but I don't approve of a lot the things s/he does."

The words, "don't approve", imply that you have put yourself in the position of having a right to "approve" or "disapprove" of another adult's behavior.  So, what this implies is that  you see yourself as superior or somehow "over" the other person.   You may see yourself, in some ways, as your spouse's "parent" or else you may see him/her as less capable than you.  Perhaps, s/he is younger than you, and you're forgetting that s/he is an adult?  Are you someone who is justed accustomed to always being "the more grown-up one" or the "the most sensible one"?  Have you become accustomed to feeling as if you have some right to judge/criticize other adults?

The problem with this kind of lack of respect is it usually comes from having a higher opinion of oneself, or of one's importance, than is really appropriate.  A kind of "take-it-for-granted" thing that leads you to always feeling you're "Number One" and anyone else is under, or after you, can come from just a little more ego than is healthy for a relationship.

It may be all well and good that you are so certain you're a responsible, capable, adult with good sense.  What isn't all well and good is if you are someone who believes your spouse can't possibly be every bit as capable and responsible as you (even if his thinking is different from yours and therefore leads you to think, since it's different, he's inferior to you).

There's a difference between not liking what your spouse does or thinks, or not understanding it, and not "approving" of it (in other words, "judging from on high").

In fact, in all but the situations in which someone else has committed some crime so absolutely despicable the criminal deserves absolutely no respect whatsoever from anyone else, most lack of respect for other people is a matter of "judging from on high".  What people who "judge from on high" need to keep in mind is that it is (no matter what they may think) only they who fancy themselves quite so "on high".

Some people (of those married to someone they can't quite respect) actually have emotional incentive not to end the marriage to this individual they perceive as "inferior".  People who thrive on "judging from on high" usually get something out of it; and if nothing else, they may simply not be accustomed to relating to others in this world as peers, rather than subordinates, children, or scoundrels.  Many (perhaps most) people who are guilty of "judging from on high" might agree that mutual respect is vital in a marriage.  The trouble is they, many of them would believe that a marriage of mutual respect would be impossible with the spouse they now have (and toward whom their lack of respect is so ingrained).  In other words, these are often people who just can't/won't believe that their spouse is worthy of one kind of respect or another; because, at the root of the whole problem, is the fact that they think they (and a many other people for whom they DO have respect for their own reasons, and out of their own priorities/values) are superior to their spouse.

I'm convinced that the way to drastically reduce what may become tomorrow's divorce rate/trend is for parents today to make sure their children know that, no matter how wonderful they are as people, the world is full of other people who are equally wonderful - and certainly deserving of respect.

As for yesterday's children (today's adults), one thing to keep in mind is that while you are thinking about how unhappy you are being married to someone you just can't quite respect well enough, that lack of respect you think is a secret is not.  The other person knows how little you think of him/her; and while many people can be completely happy living without feeling loved, few can go on forever without feeling respected by the very person with whom they should feel most respected and valued.

If ever there were an insidious "cancer" that slowly kills a marriage from within, and starts long before any real signs of "illness" start to show up, it is lack of respect for the other person.  It doesn't make for as dramatic a story as, say, the gambling and cheating spouse would; and it probably would make as good a Lifetime movie as the hopelessly substance-abusing spouse would.  Still, there's a good chance that when Fred and Mary (who "seem like the perfect couple" and "seem to have everything going for them") shock their family and friends by announcing they are getting a divorce, it is lack of respect at the root of it.