How Can I Get My Children to Stop Lying to Me

HubPages "questions" had the following question about children lying:

"How can i get my children (ages 12, 10, and 4) to stop lying to me?

Despite the many hours and lectures i have spent talking to them about the detriments of lying. my husband and his family lie so much about almost everything. Is lying it genetic?"

One of my Hubs is about children lying, and I'm in the process of adding a "Part II" about seemingly compulsive lying in children (and others).

http://hubpages.com/hub/If-you-have-a-child-that-compulsively-lies--what-is-the-best-way-to-teach-them-not-to_1

Outside of what's in that Hub, there's "regular" lying that a lot of kids do because they're kids and not confident enough to just "say it like it is" to an adult they respect; and there's the kind of lying that a kid with emotional issues may do (but most lying is "regular, kid," lying. It's not genetic, but what it may be is mimicking. If your kids see that their father uses lying as a way to get out of things or for whatever reasons he lies; and it seems to work for him (and he gets away with it), he's their example.

Kids lie because they don't want their parents to think less of them. They lie so their parents won't worry. They lie because they don't want to "hear about" something they've done. They lie if they feel their parent expects more control over their actions than they believe is reasonable. Kids four and five lie because they're at a stage in development where they're "working out" reality and fantasy in their head sometimes. They lie if they see, from an adult, that "it's just how things are done". In general, the older they get, the more the may lie, because they tend to want the increasing freedoms/"benefits" of their increasing age (and that often goes against what parents want their children of any particular age to be doing). The longing to be a little more grown up, to do what "everyone else" is doing, and to have a little freedom is a powerful one; and it can make kids feel the need to "go with it first and lie about it later". Also, with childhood comes difficulty with impulse control (even if, in general, a kid doesn't appear to have serious impulse control problems). That's makes for those times when a kid acts first and thinks, "It seemed liked a good idea at the time." - but has to lie about it later.

Chances are, if your kids are otherwise decent, caring, kids; they've known "forever" that lying is wrong. They may hate themselves for not being able to "just tell the truth", and they probably feel guilty. There's a good chance they feel as if they're "not quite as good" in your eyes as they wish they were. In other words, there's a good chance they feel rotten about it but don't know how to "clean up" their image (in your eyes and theirs) and "start clean".

This is only personal opinion, not an expert one; but I think if they were my children I'd start by helping them to understand that "all kids mess up" and "all people mess up", and although lying is not an acceptable thing, it's one way people sometimes mess up. In other words, I'd help them see themselves as better people by helping them to know that I knew their lying came from something other than a wish to be deceitful or "evil". I'd try to "establish" that although I was the "leader" when it comes to telling them right from wrong, I was also on their side and someone they could trust to help guide them through the "bad feelings" that come when a kid can't stop himself from lying.

I wouldn't lecture. I'd have separate, cool, calm, conversations about the benefits of knowing one is an honest person; and about how there's no dignity in lying or being caught lying. I'd talk to them about how I wanted to help them find their way to be so sure of themselves "on the inside" they would be confident enough not to have to lie.

Of course, there are some kids who do have manipulative personalities and lies are just one more thing in the "bag of tricks", but most people don't have manipulative personalities. If, by any chance, your kids' father does have a manipulative personality; then, again, they'll see how he operates and are likely to mimic him if they find him admirable.

Just a few days ago my three children's father and I were discussing lying. He said he never lied as a child. I told him I lied from time to time. We're both very honest people (probably about as honest as people are ever going get); but we both agreed that the only time either of us ever lies (as adults) is when someone asks something that "isn't their business". Although we both said how, if we're not offended by the question, we may just not answer it at all; we agreed that if we think someone has rudely over-stepped his bounds we aren't above "saying anything" (other than giving an honest answer), because we feel that person has no right to expect the truth on such a personal question.

We were discussing the differences between both our parents, and there weren't many. Both of us had kind, loving, gentle, parents who would be considered, "the best parents in the world". The difference was that my husband's parents were more "easy going" when it came to kids "messing up". My parents were more the type that if I told one lie they'd imagine how I may end up friendless (at best) or (worst case) in prison one day. Also, they were people who were kind of sensitive about "anyone trying to put one over on them". I don't think my husband's parents took it that personally.

Based on what my kids' father has told me about being a child, there were differences in us as kids. He said how he never really wanted to grow up when he was a kid. I, on the other hand, desperately wanted to grow up. He is a first-born/only son of two (with his sister being six years younger). I am a middle child with one sister five years older than I (and a "baby brother" five years younger). I wanted to do some of the "impressive" more grown-up things my sister was doing (innocent things, like going to a more grown-up school, having "more grown-up" books and homework, or being in activities for older kids). I had a generally amazing and wonderful childhood, but something else that made me want to grow up was that I was a very small, young looking, girl; and "the whole world" seemed to think I was a lot younger and a lot dumber than I really was. So, with my husband's having been a boy, he didn't have the thing of adults treating him the way they treated a very tiny girl who looked years younger than her age. At the time, I was a well adjusted and mature enough kid to overlook being talked to as if I were much younger or as if I were much dumber than I really was, because I figured people just didn't know any better. I was a confident, happy enough, kid; so I don't think the time-to-time lie was a matter of "deep emotional issues". I just knew I had to put up with being underestimated until I grew up and people would know I was an adult.

What this wanting to be older thing led to was also wanting to look older. That meant I'd do things like wear lipstick (against the rules) and then lie about it. (Actually, my sister tried that at thirteen on the way to dance one night, and we all heard that story "for the rest of time".) My girlfriend and I wanted a little "adventure" (not what little girls at that time were supposed to want), so we'd ride our bikes to "forbidden" places (forbidden mostly because of how far away they were), and there was no way we could ever, ever, admit to our parents that we went to those places routinely. My group of girlfriends and I (elementary school) would occasionally seek "thrills" by going down to the public library and screaming into the mail slot or else walking back and forth, making faces, in front of a newspaper office where the people seemed old and grumpy and in need of "lightening up". We were kind and good kids, but we enjoyed what we saw as fun. The same girlfriend I rode to faraway places with was the only other kid (besides me) in our sixth grade class who tried to get all the kids to stop being mean to the very elderly, senile, teacher.

By contrast, my husband has admitted to his own version of mischief (which was a kind of mischief common among boys), lighting little fires. Most of the time he and his pal knew how not to get caught; but even this generally non-lying boy once lied when the police came to ask about one little fire he and his pal started.

When I think about some of my own (again, time-to-time only) lying as a kid, I realize that my parents could have prevented it if they'd been "more reasonable" and "less dramatic". For example, in the case of my girlfriend and I riding our bike three towns away (on sidewalks in well traveled areas), I knew I had to keep that a secret because I knew my parents would focus on my breaking the rules about going too far away. This was time when kids were out on their bikes all the time,and my parents, themselves, were fine with my riding my bike all around the small city where we lived. They never specifically said, "Don't cross the city line," but I had the message that being "out and around near where we lived" was what they had in mind.

Had they been people who would have understood that a ten-year-old girl (yes, even a girl) likes a little adventure, and if they were people who understood that my friend and I did nothing wrong other than go farther than we really should have; they might have been parents who would have had a reasonable response to learning we'd gone so far away. Maybe they would have, instead, told us how we shouldn't ride that far away because people may victimize little girls; or because bikes get flat tires and they didn't want to have to drive three cities away to help me (and walking back would have been awful). If I had known that that was the kind of response they'd have if they knew the truth I may have been less worried about telling it. Instead, I knew it was going to be about 1) my doing something I shouldn't have done (which would have gone along with, "I don't even know why you want to do these things.") and 2) my lying about where my girlfriend and I went from time to time.

So, by lying (or at least withholding the truth if nobody asked) I was avoiding a double-whammy thing about my doings things I shouldn't have done (and even a triple-whammy lecture on how disappointed they were in me, especially in view of the fact that my sister "never wanted to do those things"). As a kid, I was made to feel as if wanting to do some pretty benign things my parents didn't want me to do meant I was a "problem kid" who not only wanted to "unreasonable things" but then lied about them to boot! As a parent of three grown kids (who only occasionally lied to me as children but who are now honest enough to share an open joke about the fact they don't always tell me the truth because they know I'll worry); I like the fact that, in spite of being a generally well behaved, cautious, kid (and a kid who was "good hearted" enough to worry about all people and all animals in the world), I also had a healthy wish for just the slightest bit of adventure, as well as just a little bit of disdain for people who seemed dour or took some things in life far too seriously. I wanted my children to have the same "mind of their own" that I had, because sometimes the thing that lets a kid think for himself and decide not to "go with the flow" is the same thing that helps him make the wisest judgments when "everybody else" is doing something no parent would want their child to do.

Essentially, what my parents wanted (and a lot of parents want) was that I never, ever, break any of their rules and always, always, tell the truth no matter what. As a parent, I wouldn't have wanted my children to be "perfect little robots who always acted according to my programming. I wanted my children to be human beings, and immature human beings mess up.

The thing is, in spite of their (in my opinion) not quite handling the rule-breaking/lying thing as well as they might have, my parents had managed to raise a generally decent, kind, kid who grew up knowing right from wrong and admiring (and ultimately emulating) their integrity. I think the thing with human beings is that even if the unfinished ones mess up on a regular basis; the ones who have had good, caring, kind, parents who tell them right from wrong usually turn out OK once they finish growing up (and usually well before).

What can you do to stop your children from lying? I think it depends on why they lie, whether those lies are "regular, kid" lies or something more serious; and maybe even on each, individual, incident that involves a lie. Without knowing you or each of your children, I don't think anyone online can make any solid guesses about how to deal with the lying. I do think it's pretty safe to say, though, that if your children know that your husband lies he needs to do something to change that; because one of the key factors in getting our children to listen to what we have to say is to make sure they know that, if nothing else, we always tell the truth as we know it.