How to Get Over an Abusive Relationship

"How to Get Over an Abusive Relationship" was a subject that showed up in HubPages' "questions" section. This is obviously not a question for which there is a simple answer.

This answer to this question is a complicated one, and it's one of those "easier-to-say-than-do" things; so even a 1200-word Hub would not provide an adequate answer.

Having said that, I think if one were to try to reduce a very complex answer (and the answer would be different, depending on the individuals involved, the abusive situation, etc.) to something simple (and grossly inadequate), one important point may be this:

A person needs to ask himself whether he wants to be a victim for the rest of his life (and long after getting out of the abusive relationship) or not. He has to ask, too, whether he wants the abuser(s) to take yet more away from his life than he/they already have. Former abuse victims need to ask, too, (and be brutally honest with themselves) about whether they got anything out of being a victim, and whether they kind of "got in the habit" of seeing themselves as victims. Some people can seem to learn to associate being a "nice person" or a "good person" with being a victim, because they reduce relationships to "the bad one, the abuser versus the good one, the victim". Some victims may need to be aware of this and keep reminding themselves that being strong, being a survivor, and being resilient are not "equal to" being abusive and controlling. What someone who does this may "get" from staying in a "victim mode" can sometimes be not seeing himself as anything at all like the abuser (who was in control, in charge in the relationship, and generally more powerful in it).

Depending on how long an abusive situation continued, and on how much self-esteem the victim had (and it's a myth that all victims have their self-esteem completely destroyed; in fact, in abusive marriages, strong women with plenty of self-esteem often find themselves victims), counseling/therapy may be necessary to truly get over an abusive relationship (or at least get over it as much as possible). Sometimes having been in an abusive relationship is a "can't-see-the-forest-for-the-trees" situation that requires a professional who can "see the forest".

Sometimes, though, depending the extent and nature of the abuse and the people involved, getting over an abusive relationship can simply be a matter of giving the whole situation and what led to it (or to the relationship) a lot of thought, knowing right from wrong when it comes to what's healthy in a relationship and what people have a right to expect in one, learning from the experience, and deciding to move on from it.

It's probably easier for a person who knew what makes a relationship healthy before they found themselves in an abusive one than it is for someone like a child, who may never be exposed to what a healthy relationship is and who has the "added complication" of emotions associated with the parent/child relationship. Similarly, an adult with a history of unhealthy relationships and who hasn't learned/experienced what a healthy relationship is may find "picking up the emotional pieces" more challenging. After all, the person who was once emotionally whole is more likely to be able to pick up those pieces and put himself back together than the person never had "all the pieces" needed to be whole in the first place. By virtue of their immaturity, children are not as emotionally whole as some adults are. Adults who find themselves in an abusive relationship after entering it "not-quite-emotionally-whole" can face similar challenges. Then too, there are those situations in which a victim may have entered the relationship "emotionally whole" ; but after long-term and/or extreme abuse not only is that "wholeness" broken into pieces, but the abuser has managed to rob the victim of some of them, never to be returned, as well.

Either way, anyone who finds an earlier, abusive, relationship is hindering his ability to be happy and/or move on in life should consider seeking professional help. Some former victims may never truly be able to get over scars left from abuse, in which case therapy may help such people learn to at least understand and "manage" (or at least live comfortably with) the damage.

It would be a lie to say that there aren't those extreme cases in which victims have become so damaged they will never be the emotionally healthy people they otherwise would have been. There are such cases, and at the root of so many mental-health problems is so often extreme abuse. For all of those cases, though, there are so many more for which the long-term outcome isn't, and doesn't have to be, so devastating. The human spirit is amazingly resilient; and it's important for abuse victims to keep in mind that while being a victim often means being left with emotional pieces to be picked up and put back together (with or without the help of a professional); and while it's important to recognize that abuse is damaging; it's also important not to fall victim to the belief that there's no such thing as a victim who will/can never get over earlier abuse.

Wrapped around the sometimes broken heart or fractured spirit of the victim of abuse if always a human being who is here on Earth on equal terms, and who is of equal value and promise, to any other people who have been fortunate enough not to have been victims. It's important that the world, society, and victims, themselves, to "permanently stamp, in indelible and imaginary ink," the words, 'permanent victim' or 'damaged goods' on the forehead" of people who have experienced abusive relationships. It's so often said that broken bones heal but the hidden damage from abuse is often permanent. For some people, and in some cases, that's true. Still, equally true, is that healing is as much a part of Nature as life, itself; and believing that healing is not possible can be every bit as misguided as believing that broken bones never heal. Are there times when a broken bone is never quite the same? Sure - but there also times when broken bones heal up good as new.

It's important for victims of abuse, and those around them, to keep that in mind too. It may take time (it always does), and it may take professional help (it frequently does). It also requires taking good care not to make that break any worse and figuring out how to reduce the pain. Still, with so many victims of abuse, the promise of healing can be every bit as much reality as scars from abuse. Seeing that may be the first step victims can take in freeing themselves from the past and finding a new life that will take them into the future.