What is the Cause of Domestic Abuse - Thoughts on Possible Causes

NOTE: It was thirty years ago that I first became interested in the issue of domestic abuse, when I first met children who had been victims of abuse and neglect. In the years to follow I would go on to meet many more children and teens, also victims of abuse at the hands of parents and/or step-parents. Since then domestic abuse has been an issue I've continued to "pay attention to" in general, and one about which I've read quite a bit.

The following "analysis and observations" should not be construed as the writings of an expert. This is not a research paper or scientific report. The material below is the product of assimilated knowledge, personal experience, and observations.

While I've used a somewhat formal format for the purpose of organizing the writing, my intent is to present a fairly informal discussion on the problem of abuse (again, based on assimilated knowledge and personal exposure to the abuse and abuse victims). While I'm quite certain the ideas presented here are sound, I'm not entirely sure experts would not find some minor flaw in choice of words, or else a sentence here or there worthy of criticism for one reason or another (and any criticisms are more than welcomed).

Again, this is for the purpose of offering a well informed discussion on the problem of domestic abuse, not as a reference or resource.

ABUSE AND ABUSERS - AN OVERVIEW

All abusive situations are not equal. Victims of abuse may experience it in any of its different forms, which include physical, psychological/emotional and verbal abuse. Abusers' behavior may include any one or more of these types of abuse, and may also include financial exploitation and/or control. Abusive situations range from the least extreme to the most extreme. Sexual abuse is, of course, yet another type of abuse. Because sexual abuse is a topic "in itself" and beyond the scope of this discussion, the focus here will be on the spectrum of abuse that often begins with psychological/verbal/emotional abuse and escalates to battering. Financial exploitation and/or control, like sexual abuse, are part of the "overall abuse picture" but will not be specifically addressed here.

Neither are all people who are abusive the same. They have different levels of intelligence, education, or income. The number and degree of psychological disorders they have or don't have varies, as well. Some abusers enter the relationship as people who have always been inclined to being abusive to others. Other abusers, people who haven't intentionally mistreated anyone in the past, may be surprised to find themselves in situations in which they've become abusive.

What people who are abusive have in common is bullying and/or controlling thinking or behavior. What they may not have in common is whether they realize their behavior and thinking are abusive. Whether an abuser has always been a bully who has bullied others in varying degrees, or whether he's someone who has, himself, generally been an example of the classic case of "getting sand kicked in his face", depends on the abuser. With abusers who have generally lived their lives as "meek", or at least as otherwise socially acceptable and even kind, thoughtful, individuals; the situation and/or the victim may be among the contributing factors that lead to an abusive situation

Blaming the victim is another behavior abusers share. Some abusive people know what they do is wrong and do what it takes to keep their abusive treatment of someone else "behind closed doors". Others have no idea that their attitude or behavior is abusive, so they don't even know enough to try to keep it a secret. Which abusers know what to hide may be related to the how extreme or obviously socially unacceptable any particular behavior is. To put it bluntly, it doesn't take a "social genius" to figure out that beating someone up "doesn't generally fly" in public. With behavior that's not as "clear-cut" (in terms of being socially acceptable or not), someone who, for example, is verbally abusive may or may not hide his behavior, depending on how "debatable" he thinks it is (with regard to whether it's abuse) and whether he thinks others would actually approve of it under the circumstances. With regard to verbal-abuse example, there are of course verbal abusers who have no idea that anyone would even consider the behavior socially unacceptable. Also, whether or not someone hides some or all of his abusive behavior may depend on whether it's behavior that can be construed as "a matter of differences between different individuals, and a matter of each individual's right to decide what he thinks is acceptable behavior or not."

With physical abuse being the most openly aggressive (and therefore most extreme type, or one of the most extreme types of abuse), and using verbal abuse as being the opposite end of the spectrum (if only because it is generally less "complex" than other types of abuse); it could be said that the "lower end" abuse is might often be seen as "more debatable" than "higher end" abuse - which would mean the most "clear-cut" and extreme abuse is more likely to be hidden by even the most ignorant or damaged of abusers, while behavior that's less clear-cut is more likely to be demonstrated, at least to some degree, in public. In other words, the "socially acceptable factor" drives a whole lot of abuse into hiding, often with only the most obvious resulting damage becoming public (even if only public in a limited way). As a result, a whole lot of abuse takes place without a whole lot of people even realizing the extent of the problem. A whole lot more is left not understood. Some abusive behavior and thinking is even considered acceptable by far more people than it should be.

A pattern to the mistreatment is said to be part of the definition of "abuse" and/or "abuser", but it's worth noting that not all patterns are as easy to identify as others. Also, there can be a "rose-by-any-other-name factor" when it comes to the victim of abusive treatment. Particularly with some "lower-end" types of abuse (either in terms of not being as "dramatically, physically, violent" or, perhaps, because incidents are fewer and farther between than with "higher end" mistreatment), whether the abusive individual would "officially" be called "a classic abuser" or not doesn't always make much of difference when it comes to how the treatment is experienced by the victim. In other words, there are otherwise perfectly nice, caring, people who don't have any personality flaws serious enough to diagnosed as requiring treatment, who may routinely treat someone else abusively. This "inadvertent" abuser doesn't deserve to have charges filed against him, but the damage he can cause in his victim (sometimes even with the best of intentions) is there nonetheless.

In other words, abusers are sometimes people who are such damaged individuals they have seemed to stop being human beings and start being monsters. That's not, however, the case with all people who are abusive to someone with whom they have a relationship (and may even love, even if that love lacks the respect that the healthiest kind of love requires).

COMPONENTS OF AN ABUSIVE SITUATION

The Abuser

While abusive situations vary in severity and even components, one component is always, obviously, a matter of at least one person capable of being abusive. How and why that one person is capable of being/becoming abusive varies, but individuals capable of abuse share some things in common in varying degrees.

In any, one, abusive situation the abuser lacks one or more things that people not capable of being abusive have:

1. The right kind of (healthy) love for the victim. "Healthy" love is said to include respect and admiration for the other person. An instinct to try to protect the other person from harm, place his physical and emotional well-being ahead of ourselves and anyone/anything else is part of "the right kind" of love; but without respect for other person, as an individual (even if s/he is a younger and/or smaller individual) even the urge to protect can become abusive (although not generally physically abusive). 

Wanting to control the other person is not part of a healthy love. There's a difference between, for example, a parent wanting to supervise or guide his child to good behavior and wanting to control his every move. The parent who grounds his child in order to prevent that child from hanging out with friends who are getting in trouble isn't necessarily a controlling individual. His aim is more to control the situation than generally control the child's every move.

The controlling person, on the other hand, wants to control each, individual, situation in which he is with the other person; and he often wants, as well, to control everything the other person does when he's away from him, and well as controlling everything that surrounds the other person.

2. Respect for the other person. Separate from whether the abuser believes he loves the other person or not; and separate, even, from whether the relationship is one that would be be associated with love at all (for example, a supervisor/employee relationship), respect is not present in an abusive situation.

Having "some" respect or respecting some things about another person might appear to be "having respect", but it isn't. There can "isolated" respect for something about another person, but that's a different thing from truly knowing that the other person is "equal" by virtue of simply being another human being.

Extreme cases of not seeing the other person as a human being are cases involving abusers or criminals said to be sociopaths and/or having personality disorders. People who aren't necessarily sociopaths and who wouldn't be diagnosed with a personality disorder can, however, be abusive. Having little nor no respect for any number of other human beings doesn't, by itself, make an abuser (particularly if the individual aims to hide his lack of respect for others and at least finds a way to treat them with respect).

Having "some" respect for another person can be a little more misleading, even to the abuser, himself. With "isolated respect" involving the priorities and values of the individual who may be abusive, the fact that, for example, an abusive husband may respect his wife's appearance or earning potential doesn't necessarily he means he respects her, as a whole and individual person who is (for lack of a better way to describe it) as "important" as he is in this world.

One husband may respect his stay-at-home wife for what a wonderful mother she is but not respect her when it comes to her not having a high-powered job outside the home. Another husband may not respect his high-powered, working, wife because he believes she isn't being the kind of mother he thinks she should be. Yet another husband may not respect his wife because she's not able to put in 100% of her time and effort into those two separate roles. This is the person who simply expects the unrealistic of his wife, only to think less of her for not meeting his expectations.

Some people, more than others, are less inclined to automatically give "the kind" of respect to all other human beings. Others, instead, only give "automatic" respect when the other person happens to demonstrate his narrow view of what's respectable. These people aren't people who truly believe that the measure of a person is whether he's kind, decent, and caring. Instead, these with-holders of "general respect" have their own set of measures. One person may only respect someone else who is strikingly good looking. Another may only respect the person with great wealth or power. Yet someone values educational accomplishment.

They may not even realize they do it, but some people are more "prone to biological hard-wiring" than others. Perhaps because they haven't matured to a more "evolved" way of viewing others, some people only respect others who are bigger than they are, louder than they are, or stronger than they are. There's a wide variety of these different "measures of people" in terms of determining their "worth" in the eyes of the "respect with-holder".

Two primary factors in many abuse situations can be lack of respect for anyone of the other sex (Misogyny is far more widespread than many people realize it is), and lack of respect for anyone who is a child (or even just younger than the person withholding the respect is). Another factor that makes up the overall abuse picture in society is lack of respect for people who older.

The elderly are at particular risk of abusive treatment; because while a 20-year-old who can't/won't respect a 50-year old (out of nothing but the all-too-common believe that being young is the only thing worthy of being respected) may just be being a shallow young person; the 40-year-old who can't/won't respect someone elderly may not only be harbor his own capacity for being abusive, but he has the advantage of physical strength/ability. The more frail and elderly individual not only has the disadvantage of age, but of usually being physically weaker. The elderly individual is at yet more risk of becoming abused because he "commits the cardinal sin" (at least to potential abusers) of needing someone else's help.

This leads to what people who are abusers (or at least treat others abusively) have in common:

1. Potential abusers and abusers have unhealthy attitudes about the needs of others. On the one hand, they may "have their buttons pushed" if someone else needs something from them that they can't, or don't want to, offer. Some people may, in fact, not want to offer anything in terms of meeting someone else's needs. Some have nothing to offer, or left to offer. Some imagine that doing anything for, or giving anything to, someone else may "become a habit"; so the take on an attitude of not ever "kicking in" when it comes to what someone else needs. This kind of thinking can lead to a person, who would otherwise not be abusive or even want to be, to treat someone abusively.

2. "Classic abusers" (and some other abusive people as well) need/want to create need in their victims. Essentially, abusers want to decide who will need what when; and they're only interested in others' needs to the extent they, the abuser, can make use of them for his own purposes.

3. Arrogance. People who have the capacity to be abusive, or the potential to cross the line into abusive behavior, are people who either have an existing arrogance or who gain it by treating the other person abusively.

Abusive people may deem themselves someone else's "teacher". They may nor may enjoy their role as "teacher"; and they may or not want to teach someone about everything in life, or only that he shouldn't expect anything back from the abuser. Either way, seeing himself as superior and required to teach the other person one thing or another is something abusive people often do.

4. As mentioned previously, abuse is bullying (albeit with some additional, and often particularly twisted, elements). While bullying behavior was once associated only with people who are insecure and "need to make themselves feel better" by being cruel to someone else; it's now known that many bullies are actually narcissists who think far more of themselves than they ought to.
One cause of "thinking too highly of oneself" can be a personality disorder. People with paranoid personality disorder can be narcissistic and controlling, but not all people who are abusive to someone else would be diagnosed with a personality disorder such as that.

Bullying behavior is also known to be linked to having experienced or witnessed violence in childhood. Children not only emulate what they admire, but they who/what they become, as people, is also directly affected by childhood experiences. One might wonder why a child who has witnessed or experienced violence at home would grow up to become guilty of it, himself; but a child who knows how an abusive or overbearing parent can have a whole family silenced and emotionally cowering, may actually, in ways, admire the power his abusive/overbearing parents has (when everyone else in the family seems so helpless). Even without admiring an aggressive or violent parent, however, some child may simply not see examples of healthy behavior and relationships.

Some bullies, however, don't think too highly of themselves at all. Instead, these are people who (as has generally been believed until fairly recently) think so little of themselves they need to make themselves feel better by "establishing superiority" over someone else.

The first type of bully (the "well established" bully with a history a bullying personality and narcissistic thinking) has been associated with becoming the "classic abuser"; the latter type of bully may require certain circumstances and/or a certain type of person in order to be empowered enough to ("finally, and for once in his life") become a bully and abuser.

So, since thinking too highly of themselves may be a trait of abusers, so may thinking too little of themselves.  Thinking too little of the victim is always a trait of abusers.  They may think they own the other person (and have a right to).  Whether they're aware of it or not, they use the other person for their own aims (with "aims" being anything involved with their "external life" to their "internal life", such as the gratification they get from being abusive).

The elements of the bullying behavior of the narcissistic bully (particularly one who wouldn't be diagnosed with a clinical personality disorder) are often things that could have been corrected had the individual been stopped in childhood. Whether it's feeling free to be aggressive toward others, not controlling one's temper, or thinking too highly of oneself; many times these behaviors could have been corrected had parents known, or wanted, to make the effort.

Even in the family where physical or verbal violence wasn't acceptable or demonstrated, some people who think more highly of themselves than they should do so simply because parents haven't told them otherwise. For example, the a who behaves well, does well in school, may be the sibling who doesn't get in trouble, and/or may the exception in his family with regard to some accomplishment (like graduating college or achieving something else nobody else in the family has). This child may grow up being quite confident in his "superiority" to other people. Without a parent who sends the message, "Yes, you're a wonderful person; but there are also a lot of ther equally wonderful people in the world for one reason or another," the child may grow up with a child's eye view of the measure of people (and respectability). The child who grows up in a family where physical appearance is particularly valued, and who is a particularly good looking child, may grow up with a skewed view of his own worth and superiority as a result.

The part of bullying associated with not controlling the urge to be aggressive could, in some cases, have been headed off by the right parenting; but it is now known that without the right kind of nurturing in the first three years of life, an individual's stress-response may be negatively affected for the rest of his life. Without the right kind of nurturing, the proper brain connections may not be formed. As a result, a person's stress-response system may not function as it should for the rest of his life. This means, of course, that some people are "wired" not to respond to stress and upsets appropriately. With what may be a "low bar" for triggering a stress response, some individuals may have more difficulty with control than others.


With regard to bullies who don't think very highly of themselves (at least in some ways), one aspect of this type of bullying can be that the person focuses on one or two narrow things about himself in which he is very confident, and bases his bullying on those things. Another way this kind of bully bullies is by simply not seeing, or pretending not to see, positive attributes in others first - and then creating his own sense of superiority, based on what he sees or imagines (rather than on what is real) about the other person. This is kind of "multi-step" approach to the making of an aggressive incident, but the good news may be that this type of bully is generally not associated with the traits of the "classic abuser" (or "monster-abuser").

5. A capacity to be cold toward the other person.

Whether it's in a person's "general nature" or , instead, is something that occurs only in some situations or with some people, abusive behavior requires a kind of capacity to be cold toward someone else that isn't easy other people comprehend.

When the Situation/Circumstances (Long-Term or Immediate) Contribute to Abuse:

As stated previously, some abusers enter the relationship as abusers. (They may hide a good part of their abusive nature before feeling free enough to stop hiding it, but it's always been there), Other abusers, with no particular history of behaving abusively to others, become abusive once they're in the relationship. The situation (either a long-term situation or immediate one) can trigger abuse or contribute to it.

There are those who believe that everyone has the capacity to become abusive under certain circumstances. This isn't true. What may be true is that some percentage of the population could become abusive solely as the result of a situation, but it is simply not true that anyone could become an abuser under circumstances. There are people who have absolutely no capacity to ever become abusive, even under the most trying or conducive-to-abuse circumstances.

Extreme stress is known to contribute to abuse. Within the last week yet one more mother was charged in the death of her two-year old, after the toddler was allegedly beaten. There is no question, in this case, that the mother inflicted the injuries. Injuries to her face and torso make it obvious that, in the least horrifying of scenarios, the mother may have "lost it" and beaten her child. In the most horrifying of scenarios, this child may have been a victim of long-term abuse, with the final attack being the one to kill her. Without, in any way, saying that the following scenario (eliminated as a possibiliy in this case) would be a less serious/horrifying case of killing a two-year-old, one can imagine scenarios in which a parent would lose control, do something like a push the child, and accidentally lead to a head injury. With this type of incident, the fact that parent would even be capable of pushing the child might suggest that parent had some potential for abuse more than the parent who could never be driven to the point of pushing his child. Still, the cause of this hypothetical killing of a child, and the degree of potential to be abusive, would be different from either of the first scenarios mentioned ("losing it once" and beating the child, or being abusive and having it escalate to this level).

Note: The name of the two-year old mentioned about has been left out only because the mother has not been found guilty of the charges; and even if there's only a remote possibility that something published online could, in some unexpected or seemingly unlikely way, lead to having the case against the mother compromised, it would seem the best thing any online could do for the victim would be err on the side of caution.

For the purposes of this writing, the name of the toddler in question isn't relevant; because the incident could have been about any one of the countless children, women, elderly or others who have been victimized.

The point is, situations and isolated circumstances are not enough to cause someone not capable of, or inclined toward, being abusive to become abusive. Situations and isolated circumstances, however, can trigger or contribute to abuse when the potential to become abusive is already there.

Stress is known to contribute to abuse. When stress comes in a degree beyond some individual's coping abilities it can push some individuals to be come abusive. As mentioned above, there are people who, as a result of childhood, can have stress-response systems that don't function as well as other people's. Also, the ability to develop coping skills can be modeled or taught in childhood. While some stress occurs through no fault of the person having it, some is preventable when the individual knows how to prevent some types of it. Stress can be long-term, or it can arise as a result of a major life event, particularly loss.

Alcohol and/or drug use can contribute to abuse. How alcohol affects any one individual can depend on the individual. How any one drug affects any one individual is well beyond the scope of this particular writing.

One example of a long-term situation that could lead to abusive behavior might be an unhappy marriage in which one partner grows increasingly resentful of, while also respecting less and less, the other.

Biology, Hard-Wiring and "Button-Pushing"

Testosterone is known to play some role in abuse, in general. Not long ago an increase in the number of domestic abuse incidents was linked with men having watched the Super Bowl. (Of course, it's common for alcohol to be involved when people are watching the Super Bowl, but testosterone has, nonetheless, been associated with abuse.) Needless to say, the testosterone factor places men in the group

Separate from the very specific matter of testosterone levels in any one person at any given time, and contributing to the high number of abusive men, is the matter of "biological hard-wiring". While biological hard-wiring is generally something that, for many people, plays only a limited role in thinking and behavior (as a result of an individual's having grown/matured to the point where hard-wiring's role is primarily limited to sexual/reproductive matters), biological hard-wiring (even if at times only remnants of its previous role remain) remains alive and well (in some people more than others).

In general (allowing for the fact that people are far enough beyond the hard-wiring at the root of their sex), it's easier for women to from a strong bond with a baby, even if the baby is not her own. With hard-wiring associated with concerns about paternity, genes, and "seed spreading", it can be difficult for some men to form the right kind of bond with children, especially children who aren't their own. There are, of course, difference between individuals, regardless of gender; and that means for men one difference is that many men are "beyond" a lot of the hard-wiring associated with their own sex. As it applies to bonding with children, this difference is a positive one. By the same token, there are women who are "less in touch" with the hard-wiring associated with their own sex; but as it applies to bonding with/feelings for children, not being as "in touch" with that biological hard-wiring isn't a positive difference.

With the very human instinct for a fuller, more whole, life; and with most people (regardless of sex) having an instinct to be close with their children, build a nice "nest", and provide for their families; many men today take on a far more nurturing role as parents, and many women take on that "hunter-gatherer" role for their families. This isn't just a matter of "artificial and unnatural trends" in society. It's the result of the gradual and real change in lifestyles that has happened as a result of more men and women in the past, truly be unhappy with traditional roles. In other words, changes in society have come as a result of the "genuine evolution" of human beings as a whole (and not the other way around).

Without further examination of this particular aspect of human evolution and changes in society, the role of biological hard-wiring in each sex has been vastly diminished over time. In less than "fancy" terms, people come in two different sexes; although how "rooted in" his own sex anyone is in any one, particular, way depends on where on a spectrum (for his own sex) he falls.

With regard to abuse, both male and female sexuality can play some role. Seeing the differences between the two sexes requires only considering of the different mating behaviors of animals, particularly mammals (our closest "relatives"). Reducing the whole mating-behavior picture to the most simple (and incomplete terms), male sexuality is generally associated with control and "showing off"/"puffing up"; while female sexuality is very much associated with competing with other females for the most desirable male. More worth noting is that females can be known for behavior aimed at eliminating the competition in some way and/or for singling out any competition that "stands out" by being different. Female chickens have been known to peck to death competition that is too different from all the other female chickens.

As humans (even as "impressively evolved" within the context of history and the world as we are), our emotions and physiology work together with our intellects. And, of course, our emotions and intellects work together when it comes to feeling love for, and bonding with, other human beings. Some people, more than others, are better able to keep their emotions under control in day-to-day life. Some can't, or won't even try to, control their emotions (sometimes only because they haven't been taught they need to; at other times because their emotions are too consuming for them to control - in other words, any one situation can "push their buttons").

Besides an overall evolution of the human intellect in general, each individual's intellectual capacity can be increased through the kind of learning that takes place through nurturing, the right family/social experience/exposure, but also more formal training. Childhood learning takes place by mimicking, watching role models, and different social experiences, as well. Early childhood is particularly important because that's the time children learn to feel empathy, learn how it feels to be love and be loved, and begin learning how to nurture.

Without control over who or what "pushes his buttons", the abuser often blames his own victim because his victim has, even if only indirectly, played some role in the situation that "pushed his buttons".

"Pushing buttons" is, of course, a term used to describe a person's becoming out of control emotionally. When someone (even a non-abusive person) is out of control emotionally he's moved away from "what his head tells him" or even what his "heart knows" and is moved closer to "matters physiological". Essentially, that's why they call them "emotions".

To put the matter of abuse into simple and non-scientific terms, our brains are what determine who/what we are, as people; and there are a number of parts to our brains that must be well developed enough to make us people who can have healthy relationships and be generally and reasonably well adjusted enough to fall within what's considered "normal". With specific parts of the brain being associated with the capacity to love, feel empathy, nurture, and/or manage our emotions sufficiently; it's fairly safe to say that abusers (at least those considered "classic" abusers in one way or another) have one or more parts of the brain not adequately developed.

It's important to note that having adequate, or even exceptional, capacity to learn, analyze, and/or recall easily (often called, "intelligence") is a very different thing from having all parts of the brain well/adequately developed enough to make a well adjusted, whole, person.

It's also important to note that while early childhood includes the need to adequately form the right kind of brain connections (synapses), the role of learning later in childhood should not be underestimated.

Learning is not always a matter of learning something positive. Assuming a child had a perfectly wonderful beginning and first few years, and assuming that child had no personality disorders or other disorders that might contribute to his becoming an abuser; it's still possible for a child to learn abusive behavior by witnessing abuse and/or being treated abusively. The extent to which this one healthy child could potentially become an abuser, himself, may depend on the circumstances in which he learns abusive behavior. Common sense would tell us that how young this child is when he first begins to learn abusive behavior could play a role.

"Something About the Victim"

In families with more than one child there is sometimes one child who is victimized more than others. The factors leading to this situation are beyond the scope of this writing. There is, however, another situation in which one might say there is "something about the victim", and that is when one individual tends to attract abusers or bring out abusive behavior in people with the potential to become abusive (even if that abusive behavior is limited to psychological abuse). This, too, is beyond the scope of this particular writing.

For the purposes of this writing, suffice it to say that some victims seem to bring out the worst in some abusers. It's extremely important to note, however, that such victims are in no way at fault when it comes to the fact that they seem to attract abuse. While it is true that there are people (usually women) who are attracted to potentially (or actually) abusive men as a result of patterns learned throughout their lives, people (children or adults) who seem to bring out the worst in potential abusers are different again. It could be said that just by being in the presence of a potentially abusive individual, some people "push those buttons".

The type and extent of the abuse these individuals seem to "bring out" can vary; but where the difference between one of these unfortunate individuals and other people may show up might be at the "lower end of the abuse spectrum", with the psychological or verbal abuse of someone who may not be abusive toward anyone but that one victim. The abusive individual in a case like this may never become physically abusive (although it's easy to imagine how the "right circumstances" could lead to escalating abuse). Instead, the person who may "only" be psychologically or verbally abusive to one person may (even if at that "lower end of the spectrum") treat one person as his "verbal or psychological punching bag", sometimes, perhaps, only because he can get away with it (either because he manages to demonstrate intimidating behavior more "effectively" than his victim, or because he sees it as his right to mistreat the individual for whom he can't/won't have sufficient respect). As with all abuse, even "low-end-of-the-spectrum" abuse involves the wish to control the victim and/or the situation.

While the more extreme types of abuse may have causes that are easier to understand with the simple explanation that the abusers have serious psychiatric disorders, the less extreme types of it can almost seem harder to understand because the people guilty of the "lower-end" type of abuse may also have "lower end" psychological issues.

An example of this type of abuser may be the person who is otherwise a caring person of good character but who seems to feel freer to mistreat one or two people close to him. Degree of a specific type of respect/admiration may be an important factor here. So, too, may be this individual's admiration of himself. One example may be the grown son or daughter who treats his elderly parent in a psychologically or verbally abusive way. This individual, who sees his relative youth, and any achievements or traits he views as superior to his parent, as a measure of his own superiority; will see less to respect in his parent. This, alone, can set the stage for this individual to feel freer to show contempt, insult, or be critical. If he loses patience with the parent he may be less likely to refrain from nasty remarks because of his diminished respect.

The same kind of thing can occur when a husband automatically lacks respect for his wife simply because he's someone who won't/can't ever see a woman as truly an equal. Parents, too, may refuse to view and treat children with the same respect with which they'd treat even strangers; simply because they see children as "less".

People who even only have the potential to become mildly abusive may be "pushed over the line" more by children and women, simply because abusers and potential abusers often lack respect for anyone smaller than they are. Even in people who aren't potential abusers, it can be in human nature not to have equal respect for someone who is small (and particularly if s/he is delicate looking), or someone who who doesn't have an intimidating and booming voice. It can also be in male human nature to want to control both women and children, but a "competition factor" can also play a role in contributing to abuse.

It could be said that this is where "button-pushing" and the associated emotional response and biological hard-wiring join together to increase the potential for abuse; particularly in a person who thinks very highly of himself, needs to think highly of himself, and lacks respect enough to feel a little freer to act on his urge to be cruel.

The cause of this particular type of abuse may be a simple as the abuser's parents never having managed to point out to him that he isn't better than anyone else, and that, regardless of his lack of respect for someone, feeling free to treat them abusively is not acceptable.

Another possible contributor to this type of abusive behavior may be the individual's not wanting anyone to want or need anything from him. He may be someone who has been raised being told "if you give an inch someone will want a mile". He may be someone who feels he has too many demands on his energies and time to "get involved" with anyone else's needs (in his eyes, "demands").

This type of abusive individual may, quite simply, think he knows better than anyone else; so he may believe he has the right to try to "teach" people what to expect and not expect from him.

Essentially, between any two individuals in a relationship, there is likely to be one who views himself as superior. There may be times when two people with healthy views of themselves and others won't be vulnerable, as a pair, to this relationship issue. All it takes, however, is for one person to view himself as superior to set up, at least to some degree, the potential for abuse (even if the potential is not particularly for extreme abuse).

Most of us know a mother or two who is "walked on" by her children (and not because she allows it out of choice, but because they have the upper hand). We may know a "hen-pecked husband", or the wife who silently overlooks her husband's tirades about the bills. These are all situations in which the two individuals are not, as a result, perhaps, of only one of them not exercising self-control and respect, equal in the relationship. These are situations in which one person feels free to pass judgment, be critical, or withhold communication out of a sense of superiority or a sense of feeling a right to be "the one in charge".

People who see themselves as superior in these situations would most likely be being honest if they said they love the other person, or care about him. They'd probably also be being honest if they said they have a lot of respect for the other person "in some ways". The truth is, the person with a less than mature view of himself with respect to others feels more "important" (and often thinks he knows better) than the other in the relationship.

In "borderline" situations like this, where things may cross from simply being "uneven" and on to being abuse may depend on the circumstances. If the person who is viewed as "less important" or "less worthy of complete respect" begins to need something more from the other person, there's a chance his need could push thoughtless behavior into something more serious. Time can change the situation for the better or worse too. The fifteen-year-old who may act abusively toward his mother may grow two or three years older, mature, and realize his behavior has been unacceptable. On the other hand, depending on the people involved and the circumstances, the fifteen-year-old may become emboldened as he grows older, larger, and closer to not having to rely on his parents for support.

In these uneven relationships, the person at risk of at least some degree of abuse may be a very strong-minded, strong-willed, and even independent, individual but may lack aggressiveness. Besides lacking aggressiveness, this person may have a strong sense of the importance of relationships and be far more reluctant to risk creating problems than someone else may be. With a healthy perspective on the need to overlook the "smaller things", this individual may overlook more than s/he should, assuming the other person will eventually change. The fact is, when one person has put himself in the position of being the more "important" of the two, part of the picture may also be that this individual has, in fact, managed to "emotionally intimidate" the other. Passive-aggressive behavior is a big part of this kind of "picture". Something that may stop the victim of this type of behavior from standing up for himself, or speaking up, may be that he is someone who doesn't want to "hit below the belt" verbally, while "hitting below the belt" may be what it would take to stop the mistreatment. Another thing that may stop someone from speaking up or putting his foot down may be that he knows the abusive individual has a lot of stress, has been through a lot, or tries hard to do generally do the right thing; and he may worry that speaking up may truly hurt this otherwise caring, decent, person.

As with bullies on the playground, it is often the unwillingness (out of good character and good sense) to seriously hurt the bully that makes victims victims. The individual who is without the ability to be truly cruel, regardless of whether or not he might otherwise be seen as the person who is "more important" or "superior" (in role as parent, for example), is going to be the loser and the victim. People who find themselves the victim is such situations generally say that they would not choose to gain the upper hand if doing that required compromising their own sense of decency/caring and resorting to being as cruel, or crueler than, the other person.

Years ago there was a television spot that focused on sexual harassment in the workplace. The supervisor was a man, and he was making inappropriate remarks to the young woman working for him. The spot showed the young woman shrinking and shrinking until she appeared far smaller than any human being would ever be. What this tv spot showed so well was what happens emotionally to people who live with being treated in a way that's completely lacking in respect.

In one of the uneven relationships mentioned above, the individual who continues to be treated without respect, who learns to walk on eggshells in order to prevent problems, and who generally finds himself being victimized (even if not in any "dramatic" way) may become emotionally beaten down to the point where he does feel small and helpless, in spite of possibly having a healthy self-respect on "an intellectual level". His inability to change the way he's being treated means he feels helpless, and whether it's the sense of helplessness, itself; or his own lack of confidence as a result of his inability to take more control of the situation; it all leads to feeling small and powerless (at least when it comes to that particular relationship).

The types of abuse that involve actually physically touching the other person don't come in degrees. There is either abuse or there isn't, and it becomes abuse when the the abuser crosses the line and touches/harms the victim. With psychological/verbal/emotional abuse there can be degrees, both in the level of abuse and in the potential for the potential abuser to become abusive. A lot of "low-level" abusive behavior may be "mild" enough that it wouldn't be considered "classic abuse" by legal definitions, but while a perfectly balanced and healthy relationship would be at the zero point on the "abuse scale", this uneven relationship would be that much farther up the scale.

Some of this type of "mild" abuse may never escalate. It may be the result of the personalities of the two individuals. This kind of mistreatment of someone may at times easily be ended if someone the "upper-hand" individual respects points out to him that his behavior is what it is.

It should be emphasized that even if "low-end" abuse is not as "dramatic" at "middle-" and "high-end" abuse, it should not be mistaken as harmless, because it is destructive and harmful to its victims, as well. "Low-end" abuse (again, in varying degrees within the category of "low-end"), may be easier to correct or manage; and by virtue of the fact that it has not yet escalated, or may never escalate, may not be as harmful/damaging as "higher-end" abuse. Without escalating it's obviously not directly life threatening. It remains, however, a very destructive and damaging thing to victims and relationships and should not be underestimated. The individual who is victimized by even this "low-end" abuse lives with it most minutes of most days, wondering what to do to stop it, and knowing that he can't live a normal life unless and until it stops.

The causes of domestic abuse range from mental illness and (presumably) parts of brains that never developed well on down to plain, old, bad attitude; and while summing up the causes is a fairly easy thing to do, it's fairly safe to say, unfortunately, that solving the problem of domestic abuse is, realistically, highly improbable.