Divorce, Failure, and Moving On

INTRODUCTION

This Hub was inspired by a HubPages forum thread on which people were discussing the impact divorce has had in their lives. One post, in particular, got me thinking about "failure mode", "baggage," and talking about/thinking about the impact divorce can have on a life (even when that divorce was something that was necessary and wanted).

The post in question put me in an immediate (and minor) "defense mode", because I'm someone who frequently writes (and, maybe more frequently than some people in my offline life would prefer, talks) about divorce and relationships. It wasn't so much that I felt the need to defend the fact that I frequently write about divorce. It was more that the thought occurred to me that some people may misinterpret where that writing (or occasionally, spoken conversation) is coming from. It suddenly hit me, "I hope people don't think the fact that I write or talk about divorce is a matter of "living in failure mode". Where my writing (or occasional conversation) comes from is the fact that I'm an "analyzer of all big things that happen in my life", someone who tries to learn from them, someone who hopes to share what I think I've learned with my own three children, and someone who would like my writing to offer my version of what I think I've learned to readers (at least sometimes).

When my daughter recently became engaged and I almost immediately whipped up a blog (complete with pretty, "wedding-looking", colors), my daughter and I laughed together about how "nothing is beyond exploiting" when it comes to my writing (or at least the writing I do for my own enjoyment). I don't "exploit" for the purposes of making money. (I could make better money by writing about some other subject, like technology or finances or even designer pocketbooks.) I "exploit" life events and situations for the purpose of coming up with subjects I think are about life, living, learning, and reaching out to others who may be interested in the same subjects.

In my Internet writing, I know what not to share and on what to draw the line. There's even a part of me that thinks that if anyone in my personal life (like my kids) ever read what I've written, they'll understand me and things that have happened better. So, that's yet another reason I won't guilty about "exploiting" my personal "learnings" and challenges. (Besides, it can be fun to design a blog or website, especially about the happier things in life.)

My divorce wasn't a simple one, and it wasn't "the usual kind". Then again, I'm under the impression it wasn't all that unique either.

Whether it has been the divorce or some other experience in my life, what I've so often discovered is how many things there are in life that so many people have no understanding of unless/until they, themselves, go through the same thing. Then, though, with differences in each person's personality, circumstances, and "cast of characters" in his life; sometimes even someone who has been through the same thing can't understand why someone else who has been through it does, or is, what he does or is.

Some people get uncomfortable writing, reading, or talking about the negative things in life. They'll call it, "negative", and assume it's not possible to bring up the negative stuff without either "wallowing in negativity" or dragging someone else down. Maybe these are people who haven't had enough experience with "real" negative stuff to have learned that's it possible to talk or write about it without "being all emotionally affected or involved" once the negative experience has long ago been processed and become "no more emotional than a loaf of bread". Maybe, too, some people have had so many negative experiences that they aren't even able to try to process them, identify them, and neatly file them away in "mental files", to be brought out for reference purposes at some later time. Sometimes people mistake "analyzing" or "trying to make use of" bad experiences for something else. Then, too, there will always be people who don't understand the difference between "analyzing in a positive way" and "over-analyzing".

So, having defended the fact that I write (or talk) about divorce at all; and having addressed the fact that sometimes I feel insecure that "where my writing and talk comes from" may be misinterpreted by any number of other people; my reply to the post in question follows. I would just like to mention one more thing, though:

The thing about being someone who writes, and someone who hopes that writing will offer some shred of insight to someone else, is that sometimes it isn't about hoping anyone who reads will understand me (at least in the case of someone who writes for the reasons I do). I write because sometimes I'll imagine someone out there somewhere, in a relationship, who is misunderstanding someone else in his life. In the case of the subject of divorce, I'll picture ex-spouses, new partners, people's children, or even "less important" people in someone's life who make that person's life a little harder by not understanding one thing or another. When I write about personal experience (or, in this case, divorce), it's not because I hope I can help some in my situation (or who had my experience) with "all that I've figured out". It's because I imagine someone who doesn't understand someone else, and who, as a result, finds more life more difficult, or makes it more difficult for someone else; reading the "input" of a stranger and maybe thinking, "Whoa. Maybe I've been thinking the wrong thing about so-and-so after all."

And so, here's the discussion on divorce, "failure mode", and "baggage":


The thoughts/post that inspired my pondering the whole divorce/"failure mode"/"baggage" issue ware summarized below.

Divorce only has a "positive influence" on a person. It was noted that once a person has already lived through the failure of a marriage, there was little more a divorce could do to a person. The idea that there's nowhere to go from there but up was brought up; and the fact that people carry baggage with them ("sometimes for a lifetime") was pointed out as one of the ironies of divorce. The matter of the wasted years, fears, prejudices, and hang-ups that can be a factor in some divorced people's lives was pointed out. "Live on," "Love on," and "It is out there," were the messages of the post. In so many ways, those messages are, in fact, solid and wise messages to some people who have been through divorce. As with so many things in life, though, it's not always quite as simple as it seems; and people often see things in black-and-white. In this particular case, that "black-and-white" represents happily living life after divorce versus living for years with baggage left from it. The idea that life is short and "failure mode" isn't something people should be living in (and a wise, sound, and sensible idea at that) ended the forum post.

Maybe this is strange (and maybe I should), but , you know, I've never seen my own divorce as a my own failure. Yes, the marriage failed; and I've spent a lot of time "analyzing" why it did. Marriages don't always fail because one or both people failed. They can fail, truly, through no fault of either person. Sometimes they're the fault of only one person, but that means they aren't at all the failure of the one whose fault it wasn't.

I think it's only sensible to analyze (without having all kinds of emotions involved) why one marriage (our own) failed. If divorce was something that really did "need to happen" in order to get to a "healthier place", I don't think people always have all kinds of baggage and emotional issues. The emotional aspects of marriage (except for any children-related aspects of it) tend to be gone long before anyone decides to get a divorce.

As long as someone has stepped back and is an "analyzing mode", I think doing that means understanding how it all happened and what not to do again. It can also help people help their kids understand what to watch for in their own relationships.

When people have the emotional pain of having watched their children be hurt as a result of a divorce, or as a result of how courts do things; I think it would not be normal to say, "Oh well, I can't worry about how my kids have been hurt, or who hurt them." That, though, isn't being in a "failure mode". That's being in a "parenting mode". If parents have to work through the emotional aspects of having watched how a divorce hurt their children, or created problems in their children's lives; I think it's right that person who made the choice to divorce (or who caused it) spend some time considering, acknowledging, and even feeling rotten about how the divorce affected the children. Ideally, feeling rotten isn't good enough. Ideally, the person should be able to try to do something to lessen or fix the problems if at all possible). Acknowledging, trying to understand, and talking to kids about what the divorce did to them; though, isn't "failure mode" either. It's addressing, dealing with, and working together to move on after a bad thing happened in a family.

Doing the above kind of "considering" or "analyzing" or "communicating" about that bad thing that happened in a family doesn't mean not living on or loving again. It just means being a parent and a grown-up, which can be even MORE important after a divorce.

I agree that divorce pretty much as a positive influence on a life when that divorce is something that really needs to happen. I'd disagree that divorce can't have a negative impact on a life, when a parent knows her children or their lives have been seriously negatively impacted (especially when what did that hurt wasn't either parent, but were strangers in the court system). Parents shouldn't be afraid of acknowledging and addressing any negative impact of divorce for their children, and they shouldn't be expected to "just move on and say, oh well - the kids will find a way to deal with it." Whether even the most well adjusted kids find their way to deal with it, or adjust to it; isn't even the point.

When it comes to feeling horrible over the direct impact even a necessary divorce has on one's children, good parents are going to have baggage to bring along on their journey into the future. Sometimes they need to bring that baggage onto the plane with them. Eventually, they'll realize they have to check it before boarding. Either way, when it comes to living the rest of one's life knowing he has had no choice but to do something that ended up hurting his children; not being able to take the flight without being accompanied by bags marked, "My Children," isn't something parents should expect of, or for, themselves; and isn't something anyone else should expect of them.

When it comes to expecting a life without even checked baggage, anyone who loves his children the way mature, "regular", parents love their children needs to recognize that, for him, the flight has already taken off, the ship has already sailed, and the train has already left the station.

That doesn't mean not living again. It doesn't mean not loving again. It doesn't even mean being sad and miserable for the rest of one's life. What it does mean, though, is acknowledging, addressing, analyzing, and managing the impact divorce has had on one's children; and understanding that since children have had no choice but to neatly pack and bring along their own baggage (checked or not) on their own journey, it's important that parents (of even grown kids) be able to recognize what bags are what (and maybe help their children tag their own bags, or even know which ones they need to leave behind).

Just some final thoughts: Sometimes, no matter how much a person is ready to check any bags and go on that trip into his future, something completely unrelated to ex-spouses, relationships with them, or anything even remotely associated with emotional/mental matters can happen that means a person can't get on that plane, ship, or train that will take him into a new life. It may have something to do with not having the money to buy a ticket. It could have something to do with some non-emotions-related complication/responsibility associated with a child or another family member. People can be left stranded at the airport or station, or even outside looking in, for entirely practical reasons that have nothing to do with baggage or any other negative thinking.

People who know where what they want their destination to be aren't likely to be able to be happy being left behind at that airport or station, left outside it, or expected to get on the wrong plane or train. They may have accepted that the first plane or train they took was detoured or derailed. If they're people who know where they want to go in this life, they aren't likely to be interested in going somewhere other than that on this next trip. Sometimes it's better to figure out ("analyze") what went on that made the first trip run into problems, how to decrease the chances the next one will run into the same problems, figure out what it will take to be able to buy that ticket for the right destination, and wait at that airport or station one has that boarding pass in his hand.

Some people think that going anywhere is better than holding out for the right plane or train. Other people think it's better to hold out and really end up with they truly want to be. Some can be happy living wherever life takes them. Others can't be happy unless and until they are the ones to decide where they want to go.

Not all hanging around at the airport or station is equal. Neither does it have to mean being there means being alone or lonely. Then too, some people's desired destination may not include a new relationship at all; so others should be careful not to mistake the choice to travel alone as "not moving at all".

Yes, life is short. People need to live it (but "living on" can mean different things to different people). People can and should "love on" (but sometimes "loving on" means different things to different people too). Yes, "it is out there" (but usually it will only be found when a person gets to the destination of his own choosing). Boarding a plane or train just for the sake of going somewhere may look like "moving on" (or even "living and loving on"), but things aren't always as they appear to onlookers. Usually, going "any-old-where" just for the sake of leaving that airport or station means ending up that much farther away from where one hoped to find himself.

There are things to be learned while one sits at that airport or station and ponders (or "analyzes") what it is he has left behind. There can be people to meet (and talk to), observations to be made, and even important time spent resting, relaxing, and imagining that destination. Airports and stations can be full of people who live with secure and happy anticipation about life at their desired destination. Sure, it's better to be at that destination than hanging around at that airport or station; but, as they say, life is short. Sometimes the choice to hang around the airport or station a little longer may actually be a wiser way to live it, and may offer someone a better chance at living the rest of his short life more happily.

Yes, divorce can involve what feels like a lot of time wasted already. People with children often don't believe a lot of that time was really wasted. Hanging around at airports and stations can certainly look and feel like wasting time, but if that time is used wisely it may not be as wasteful as it appears. Divorce means a person has already lost a lot of time being able to live his short life as happily as would have been ideal (to say the least). Divorced people who aren't willing to settle for "any old destination" next time should not be mistaken for people who have too much baggage to be able to pick up the boarding pass of their choice.