Defining Love

When I consider the word, "love", my first reaction is to realize that it is a word that (when used the way I think it should be used) is a grossly inadequate representation of the emotion it is intended to describe.

There are times, of course, when we use the word, "love", in a "light" way; and I'm not talking about those times. An example of this "light way" might be if we say, "I love light coffee" or "I love the Spring." In instances like that, we really mean "like a lot" or "really, really, appreciate".

When taken (and used) more as it is intended to be, the word, "love" is either a verb that describes the act of having one particular emotion toward someone or something; or it's a noun that represents the emotion, itself.

Years ago I read a book that analyzed love. The social worker/author concluded that there are many different types of love (many of them being less than of the healthier variety), but that all healthy forms of love have two things in common: 1) admiration of the other person, and 2) respect for the other person. Simply stating that, however, isn't necessarily enough; because, for example, if one person admires the appearance of the other that's a very different thing from admiring the person, himself. The same applies for respect. A seventeen-year-old boy may have a whole lot of respect for drop-dead-gorgeous classmate with a less-than-nice personality. Neither the admiration nor the respect in the examples amount to genuine love.

Having pointed that out, however, I do accept that author's conclusion that it isn't a whole love unless true respect and admiration for the other person are present.

In the world of romantic love, things are particularly muddy. There are, as far as I'm concerned, too many possible flaws in a lot of instances of romantic love. First, there is the confusing of infatuation with genuine love. It is often said that infatuation fades and either results in the end of the relationship or the relationship's entering a new, deeper, caring phase. While this may tend to be the most common situation in a lot of relationships, there are those relationships in which people will say they remain "in love". Others will describe a more comfortable kind of caring about the other person. Clearly, while infatuation is never genuine love; when it turns into love there's the possibility it will turn into two very different types of love - one with the "in love" factor still present, and one that is based more on something less romantic.

Some people will describe love as "finding a soul-mate", but I've run into descriptions of soul-mates that point out that one's soul-mate does not have to be a romantic partner. In other words, the "soul-mate factor" may or may not be present in all romantic relationships, and by itself is not a determinant of romantic love. I suspect, too, that many people who believe they have found a soul-mate may have found something with whom they get along famously but may have their own definition of "soul-mate".

Defining romantic love can also pose complications because - let's face it - a lot of romantic love is based on need or other less-than-ideal components. So, rather than to even try to address what genuine romantic love is here, I'm going to describe what I believe love, in general, is; and I'm going to describe it from the standpoint of my own experience with what I believe is the purest form of love that exists - the love a mother has her for child/ren.

There's a reason I'm using that kind of love as my frame-of-reference, and that it is that, besides its seeming to be the purest form of love, it is the kind of love that, personally, feel most free talking/writing about. For me, many of the other forms of love in life can be so personal, that writing about them would seem like either a violation or like sharing more than I want to share about my own feelings.

For some reason, however, the love I have for my children (they're grown now, and my love for them as matured as well), is "so big" it is not possible to keep it a "treasured secret" in my heart. Instead, that kind of love is something that started to grow "in my heart" when they were babies and that quickly grew well beyond my own boundaries, and out into the Universe, to the point where my love for them IS my Universe. It is also something that, to me, is a cause for "joyous celebration and sharing", rather than for keeping as my "private business". It's important to note that I'm not discussing less-than-healthy mothers who don't love their children the way mature, normal, mothers with the usual maternal instincts do. Saying I feel as if my children are my Universe is not saying that I don't have, or see the importance of having, a life of my own and separate from my role as a mother. It is saying, though, that if I were asked to forget about all that doesn't matter quite as much to me in this world, and say what one aspect of my life is the single, most important, aspect of it; my answer would be, "my children".

Now that they're grown, we all have our own lives and worlds in many ways. I suppose I wouldn't describe my kids as "my world" at this point - only my "Universe" (if that makes any sense). On second thought, they are still my world, although on a deeper and less day-to-day basis.

And so, I will attempt to describe this "purest form of love", which (I'm not entirely sure) I think, no matter how much we love our own parents, can never be equally reciprocated; and can only be understood once a person has children of his own.

I've already described the "Universe characteristic" of this kind of love. Another characteristic of it (at least for me) is that I simply don't care about what I want or need when something that conflicts with either of those would be better for my children's wellbeing. That's not saying that when my children were small I didn't care about taking an evening off from being a mother and going out with one of girlfriends for some "girl talk". At the time, I did need that once in a while. Still, if my bi-monthly evenings out would have compromised my children's well-being I would not have gone out. Another clarification is that I think mothers shouldn't ignore their own health, or their ability to earn a good income; because when it comes down to it, a healthy mother who lives a long life and can offer her children a good quality life is also putting her children's well-being first.

When I talk about not caring about my own needs a good example may be this: Mothers may be terrified to have their kids get their driver's license and start going out at night. A mother's "need" may lean toward liking having teen safely at home every night. The child's need (on a lot of different levels) is to "spread his wings". Good mothers love their child enough to put aside their own wish to know their child is safe and go with what they know amounts to giving their child the freedom he needs to grow normally.

Another example of loving someone in the "purest" way is when mothers do without sleep themselves (and don't resent it) in order to care for an infant or a child who is sick.

So, while saying that this kind of love is about not caring about oneself and only caring about the other person may be somewhat over-simplifying things, it does describe the basic trait of this kind of love.

Another characteristic of this kind of love is worrying that something bad will happen to the person, and wanting to protect that person from all bad things, big and small. Again, there are times when mothers need to find a way to control these aspects of their love; but controlling them doesn't mean that (if a mother is honest) they aren't there. The concerns that something big (and bad) will happen to one's child can be so overwhelming, mothers usually need to find a way to just put them out of their mind (because they know such worries are not productive or healthy). Again, though, putting them out of our minds, or pushing them way to back of our minds, doesn't mean they aren't buried away somewhere. These "stashed away" fears/concerns are a part of love.
In other words, a fierce protective instinct is a part of love (in fact, this is one characteristic that was also mentioned in the aforementioned analysis of all types of love).

Related, perhaps, to the protective instinct is the deep, deep, hope that the other person is happy; or else the wish to make that other person happy. As I write this sentence, I'm discovering that this is the one that apparently "gets to me" the most (emotionally). This is the one that, when I think of the three people who are my Universe, and how very much all I've ever wanted was for them to be healthy and happy, makes me feel as if my lungs have filled up with a little more air. This is also that one, however, that in some ways, makes my mind long for so much more power of what happens to any of them.

Love is something that makes you happy to be with someone, and that makes you feel as if you're "home".

Wanting the other person to know how much we love them is another part of love. In my experience, however, while I "sort of hope" my children will love me (at least a normal amount), I can't say that, if pressed about it, I say I care if they return my love. All I expect from them is respect.

That's the thing: Love is something that, when you think about how you feel about someone, makes you feel as if your lungs fill with a little more oxygen and your heart may even pound just a little. It makes you feel as if all of the beauty of the world has found it's way to your heart, and it makes you believe you are the most blessed person who has ever lived. Sometimes it's also something that, when you think enough about it, makes you cry tears that have nothing to do with sadness or even joy - just love.

Loving someone can give a person the strength and the reason to go on . It can turn a person into someone who is so much better a person than s/he ever knew s/he could be. When you love someone you would give your life for them, even if you'd also prefer to be around and be able to protect them.

Some say that love makes people crazy. I say it has made me about as sane as anyone could ever be, because when you love someone so much you know you had better figure out how to be strong, solid, and sane for them.

Love calls for being solid, and sane and strong in order to be able to protect the ones we love; but it also calls for being strong so that we may be strong and solid enough to let them go.

Love is something that makes us feel as if the other person is with us, even when they are not.

Thinking about love can make us feel as if the sun's warmth has descended around us. It can bring out the super-hero in us, and it can bring out the prize-fighter in us if necessary. When we love someone we live our lives ready to be warriors when necessary. Then again, love is also a beautiful Summer morning, a welcoming pot of fresh coffee, sharing a brand of humor and laughs, and feeling as if there is always music in our hearts.

Love is not something that any of us can adequately describe, and it is something that only the most blessed of us can fully experience. Some say that love is about two things - roots and wings. I agree with that, in a way. It's also, however, about a whole lot of other things as well.

When I think of how I felt about my children when they were babies, I realize that it was my seeing them as beautiful gifts to treasure was the predominant aspect of my love for them. The natural instinct to want to protect them was another important aspect. My tremendous respect for the fact that they were separate little human beings from me was my guide. The fact that I admired the perfection that Nature gives to each new child added to my love.

Today, when I look at either of the two young men who are my sons or the young woman who is my daughter, I realize I just like being with them, admire them, still want them to be healthy and happy, and just kind of feel peaceful when I see their faces.

Love is the thing that, if I die tomorrow, will have made my life worthwhile; and if I live to be 110 years old, will give me the strength and and sense of peace to live happily in a world where there is little peace and in a Universe where I remain so very small.