Constructive Criticism and Advice - Giving It, Taking It, and Reconsidering It

There are, in my opinion, only three circumstances under which unsolicited constructive criticism is not just acceptable, but necessary.  Those three circumstances involve the school setting, the work setting, and offering helpful advice to very young children.

Although people with some degree of "personality issues" may have difficulty with reasonable and expected criticism in the work place; in general, most of us have come to accept that constructive criticism is part working.    Whether it's a supervisor or co-worker with whom we share responsibility for a project, it's always reasonable when one person politely suggest that something could be done more efficiently and effectively.  For people who have no personality issues, suggestions and advice are just seen as part of the conversation that goes on at work.

In the work setting, there are probably two main guidelines about offering constructive criticism:  Be polite, and be prepared to truly listen to the other person's objections or reasons for not already doing something that different way.  In this setting, the outcome will either be having the other person accept your ideas, having him resist them because he has compelling and reasonable reasons not to, or having needing to resort to yet more discussions and input in order to resolve any larger issues.

In the school setting it is generally accepted by all but the most troubled students that it is the role of the teacher/instructor/professor to offer constructive criticism.   As with the work place, educators should be polite and respectful when offering their critiques and ideas.

In both settings, the potential critic should ask himself whether the advice is related to the work or to the person's behavior.  In general, if it's about behavior, rather than work practices, the potential critic should ask if the behavior matter applies only to his "jurisdiction" (in which case, he should feel free to set some rules).  If the behavior is a general behavior that isn't just confined to the immediate work or school setting, it may be best for supervisors or educators to seek the assistance of someone more appropriate to address the issues (a student's parent, an administrator at the school, human resources, etc.).

With young children (and even not-so-young children), adults need to be careful about offering what they believe is constructive criticism, because children don't always see the fine line between "constructive criticism" and "plain, old, being criticized".    Many children, by nature, are not particularly resistant to criticism.  In fact, it is because children so often want the approval of parents/teachers; and because they admire and respect adults' opinions; that they often interpret the criticism as deserved, and see themselves as less than worthy in the eyes of the adult.

Also, children need to learn.  Unless a child is doing something that poses a high risk of disastrous results (in varying degrees) sometimes it's best to let them do things their own way, and learn through experience.   

There are times, of course, when an adult does need to offer some advice.  A four-year-old who carries the bottle of milk by the cap is inviting the "disaster" of all the milk ending up the floor.  A six-year-old, who shows up for dinner with hands that he "washed" that still look dirty, really does need a little helpful advice on how to tell when hands have been washed enough.

With children, as with co-workers or students, being polite and respectful usually meets with little resistance, and certainly with little resentment.  Saying something to the four-year-old with the milk like, "Oh, let me show you a way to carry the milk so you won't lose it," usually does the trick.  With the six-year-old with dirty hands, it's more effective and less resentment-producing to say, "Could you come in the bathroom with me, so I can show you how to make sure your hands are clean.  We don't want you to get sick, eating with dirty hands."  A rude, "Your hands aren't clean.  Go back and wash them, and don't come back until they're clean," has an unnecessarily nasty and rude tone; and children never benefit from that kind of thing.   Besides, children who are offered "tips" about life in a way that makes them seem like "neat and clever information", rather than criticism, may grow up without having reached a "saturation point" when it comes to feeling criticized.   It is quite possible that adults who cannot take normal and constructive criticism at work may well have felt so criticized all their lives they just can't deal with any more of it.

As for offering "constructive criticism" to other adults; much of the time, "constructive criticism" is really just another term for, "I think my way is better," or "I think I know better about you/your life/what you're doing than you do."   Much of the time (perhaps most of the time), the person who thinks he has a better way simply doesn't know that the other person has already thought of his "other way" and rejected it for sound reasons.   Sometimes, too, the other person knows how to do things your way.  He just prefers things his own way.  While one person may offer "helpful advice" about being more organized, the recipient of that advice may not value being more organized. 

In the adult world, there may also be some adults who seem to attract more "constructive criticism" than others.  People who are polite may attract the advice of the more aggressive.  People who are young, or just look young, tend to attract everyone's advice.  Elderly people, who may be every bit as sharp as they were at thirty, often attract the advice of others.   Short people can sometimes feel like magnets for advice (presumably because the less tuned -in among us tends not to realize that "short" doesn't always equal "young"). 

Other who may attract more "constructive criticism" than they want are people viewed as having a problem or one sort of another.  Heavy people may be offered advice about why extra weight is bad for them.  Smokers, who know the risks and may, themselves, wish to quit; may be the recipients about quit-smoking advice.  People with financial difficulties are often assumed to be stupid or bad at managing money, so they can attract not just useless, constructive, criticism, but "plain old criticism" as well.   Grieving people may attract the advice of others who think they know how to help them get over it sooner or deal with things better.  Younger siblings may receive more advice than they need or want from older ones.   Anyone who is new at doing anything always runs a risk of getting a load of unwanted or misguided criticism.

I have a friend who is about 40 years old and has lived with the unrelenting advice of her many older siblings for years.  She once sarcastically joked, "I'll say, 'Am I not seeing the sign around my neck that says that I care about your opinions?'"

"Constructive criticism" can seem to be dumped on unwitting parents from the time they are expecting their first child to the time their grandchildren grow up.

When it comes to "constructive criticism", I would venture to guess that an extraordinary percentage of that given out in this world is unwanted, inappropriate, or even ignorant.  Good or helpful intentions behind advice or criticism may make the difference between "constructive criticism" and "plain old criticizing", but sometimes the recipient of even the most well intended criticism is less interested in the motives than in the assumption of one adult that he knows better than the recipient of his advice does.

I suspect that much inappropriate advice comes from people who, like most of us, know they are competent, capable, individuals who live in a world where many people don't seem as capable.  What many people don't realize, though, is that even in a world where many people may not seem to intelligent or capable, the world is full of people like they are, who are completely capable and intelligent enough to be able to live without the input of others.

For those of us who are polite, it can be difficult to deal with getting unwanted advice and "constructive criticism", because we understand that it is not intended out of malice, and is, instead, well intended.   Being polite, of course, is one of those traits that can encourage unwanted criticism, advice, and opinions.

 Because so many of us live our lives having come through school and working in a world where accepting legitimate criticism of our work is something that all normal, well adjusted, people do; perhaps we have, in some ways, been "brainwashed" into believing that "constructive criticism" is something that has more a place in the "general world" than is appropriate.

Most people, outside the setting or work and school, will ask for opinions or advice if that's what they want.  When they don't ask it's usually because they aren't interested.  As difficult as it may be for people with a slightly-too-inflated ego to believe that other people are as capable as they are; even if it is hard to imagine that our advice is not needed, it is sometimes wisest to err on the side of keeping it to ourselves.

So often, when the matter of constructive criticism comes up, a good number of people seem to hint that adults who are not interested in unsolicited advice and opinions have a "problem dealing with criticism".

While there are, of course, people who are hyper-sensitive when it comes to criticism; most people don't have a problem with constructive criticism when it is appropriate (as in the work setting or school setting).  Most of the time, it is the well intended criticism that shows up in our personal lives that is inappropriate, often misguided, and usually a matter of someone's over-stepping his bounds.

In our personal lives, if we know someone who has particular skill or expertise in one area or another, we will often ask that person for advice if we're dealing with an issue in that area.  By "area", however, I mean specific skills, such as cake-decorating, auto repair, or jewelry-making.   When it comes to "general living", there is a very good chance that the person you are considering offering advice to has his own ideas about how you should do things, as well.

When it comes to dealing with unwanted constructive criticism, sometimes the best way is to make it clear to friends and family, when there is no issue at hand, that you are not interested in advice for which you have not asked.  By politely saying something like, "I know people mean well, but I don't really appreciate it when someone assumes I want their opinions," can establish where you stand on the matter before someone "notices" that you seem to need their "contribution".

Perhaps the reason the person who doesn't want unsolicited advice is so often suggested as being the one with a problem is this:  It can seem as if the world is divided into two types of people.  The first type is a slightly more egotistical and maybe a little overbearing (even if only when dealing with some people).  People in this first group often believe they are superior to the person on whom they're focused.  Often, they believe they have a right to impose their opinions on this other person.   These are often the "fans" of "constructive criticism" in "general life" (outside work or school, and separate from helping young children learn).

The second type of people are often the polite, respectful, people who don't want to speak up or hurt someone else's feelings.  These gentler souls often respect other people enough to refrain from offering unsolicited advice, while, at the same time, they are often the magnetics for the advice/criticism of others.  These are often the "fans of keeping our advice to ourself", and much of the time this type of person is completely well adjusted and gracious when faced with constructive criticism in an appropriate setting.

What makes it difficult is that the first type of people often believe they are completely justified and appropriate in their belief that they have a right to criticize; and such people can be quite resistant to the idea that it just may be they who are in the wrong.  Essentially, many people believe they have the right to offer their unsolicited opinions; and they believe that the person to whom they offer those opinions is, in at least some way, a little inferior or not worthy of enough respect to make advice-givers refrain from indulging in offering it.

The term, "constructive criticism", may, for some people, mean "good intentions".  The fact is, however, that it is criticism or advice or opinions - and not everyone appreciates it.

In a situation when someone is potentially in danger, we should, of course, offer our opinions at the risk of offending or insulting the other person.  Other than in such situations, however, most of the time we should keep our "constructive criticism" to ourselves unless someone asks for our opinion.  While polite receivers of our constructive criticism may not say anything as they allow us to indulge, the message we send when offer unsolicited advice is that we do not respect the other person enough to trust him to figure things out for himself, or to at least be wise enough to ask for our advice when he wants/needs it.