Kids and Public Restrooms

Introduction

Although many parents are concerned about their child’s safety in public restrooms (and I suspect that’s the majority), some live under the false sense-of-security that comes from believing “it won’t happen here” or “it won’t happen to my child”. A look at the numbers on any Sex Offender Registry for cities and towns (even the seemingly smaller, safer, ones) can be sobering. In my own relatively small and otherwise generally safe suburb there was a controversy when McDonalds had a sex offender working there. A look at the local police department’s site revealed that more than one predator rides the bus into town and works here. (I was shocked to discover that the local WalMart where teen daughter worked also employees more than one sex offender.) Years ago, my girlfriend, who lived in another “safe” suburb, had her five-year-old in small store. She was thinking about shopping, didn’t pay much attention to being sure her child was right next to her, and was horrified to discover that a man had her child cornered somewhere at the back of the store.

Some parents are “paranoid about being paranoid”. They’ll say, “I don’t want to live afraid, and I don’t want to make my kids afraid.” They’re “insecure about feeling insecure”. As a result, their apparent commitment to not “living paranoid” leads them to allow their children to be unnecessarily at the risk of being victimized. Parents can’t, of course, protect children from all potential dangers; but some are within our control when we’re willing to take a few steps toward keeping children safe. When parents are willing to take those few steps to completely eliminate those ugly dangers that can, in fact, easily be eliminated; they don’t have to “live paranoid” because they know the unnecessary dangers have been eliminated. Children learn that using some good sense can eliminate a lot of dangers and add to one’s feeling of being capable and in control of one’s own safety. There are risks that must inevitably be a part of a life, but the awful danger of child-predators in public restrooms doesn’t have to be one of those risks.

Whether it's on local radio talk shows or online parenting discussions, one issue that arises surprisingly often is the matter of children and public restrooms.  Most parents worry about child predators and don't want their child using a restroom alone.  Some parents, on the other hand, have no concerns about allowing their child to go into a public restroom by himself.  The following may be far more discussion about restroom-use than most people are interested in reading; but after hearing about so many parents’ concerns about the challenges of keeping children safe when Nature calls in public places, I thought I’d post this unglamorous discussion.   

There are differing opinions on how old a child should be before going to the restroom alone.  In fact, there are differing opinions about a whole lot of issues associated with children and public restrooms.  The biggest problem generally arises, of course, when a parent of one sex is out with one or more children of the other sex.  Besides what's safe and appropriate for the child, there is also the matter of whether others using the restroom feel comfortable having a child of the other sex in the restroom.  Just today a woman called a Boston radio station, complaining that she used a public ladies' room and was uncomfortable with having someone else's five-year-old boy standing around outside the stalls.  Some people, more than others, are uncomfortable with the fact that some restroom stalls don't offer complete privacy because of the cracks between the door and frame, or between other metal panels.

For the most part, the matter of children who "have to go to the bathroom" doesn't have to involve disregarding safety concerns or making anyone feel uncomfortable.  It sometimes surprises me that so many parents haven't worked out "a plan" with which they're comfortable, but I'm thinking that maybe because my children were as spaced as they were, or because I had them out with me so much, I had a lot more need to think up a workable "restroom plan" for them.  As the mother of two sons and a daughter, I developed a "child/public restroom" approach that meant my kids were always safe and never in circumstances that made them or anyone else feel uncomfortable.

I'm sure lots of other parents have devised their own "child/public restroom" approach.  The following tips are for those who haven't (and, again, based on radio talk shows and parenting discussion sites, a lot have not):

Not all public restrooms are alike.  Some stores, restaurants, and gas stations have restrooms designed for one person only.    With a single-user restroom, all parents need to do is make sure nobody else is in there (all four-walls are always visible).  Children old enough to use this type of restroom can be instructed not to lock the door "because we never know if it may be broken or get stuck".  The parent can assure the child he'll stand "guard" outside the door.

If you're out running errands with your child and know you'll be ending up at McDonalds for lunch (where there are multi-user restrooms) you may want to make a quick stop at another restroom in the area before going to McDonalds.    Places like Dunkin Donuts tend to be the same everywhere - single-person facilities.  The same applies to fast-food places - multi-person facilities.   Paying attention to which businesses in your area have which type of restroom can help you know where you're likely to find the same kind outside your local area.  Don't assume that because a store is small it doesn't have an available restroom.  Asking different stores if they have an available restroom isn't a bad idea for parents of young children.

With sons (who made no secret of the fact that they did not want to go into the ladies' room), I learned the importance of finding single-person facilities wherever we went.  It takes a little bit of "being aware" and a little planning, but as the number of children goes up parents learn what a big part of life the restroom issue can be whenever there's an outing.

Single-user facilities also work best for parents with very young children.  Everyone can just go into the restroom, if necessary you can establish that some people will face the wall while others do what they need to do, and nobody bothers (or is worried about bothering) anyone else.

 Multi-user facilities.   When my children were young enough that they had to come into the ladies' room with me I found it helped to pay attention to which restrooms offered complete privacy.
In my area, the local library and Burger King have such wide cracks between the doors and the frames they may as well just put the toilets out in public.  The only circumstances under which I would ever use that type of facility were if my very young child or daughter needed to (in which case, very young children don't worry about the cracks in the door, and I'd reassure my daughter that I'd stand in front of the openings in case anyone else came into the room).  McDonalds, on the other hand, has a restroom that offers complete privacy.  Young children can either use the stall (with the parent outside) or be accompanied by the parent.  In the ladies' room (for example), no other women will feel uncomfortable that someone's five-year-old son can see through the stall.  Something else to consider is that a lot of children are actually uncomfortable about who can see in as well.  That's sometimes enough to make, say, a five-year old "hold it", only to have an accident later.

For the mother with an eight-year-old son, or the father with an eight-year-old daughter, there is a last-resort type of approach that works best when multi-user facilities aren't generally crowded:
It's always an option to make sure the restroom has nobody in it, allow the child to go in alone, tell him to be quick, and stand outside the restroom.  If someone shows up to use it the parent can explain that his son or daughter of "the wrong sex" is using it and request the person wait outside for just a minute.  If the child takes too long the parent can always tell him someone else is waiting.

Most people understand the "child/public restroom dilemma".  Most understand that children can be at risk.  Many wouldn't want to use the restroom if a child of the other sex were in there.  Many are parents, themselves.  Most understand that we occasionally have to wait for a few minutes before using a facility.  For the minority who may not particularly appreciate being asked to wait outside; well, sometimes we just have to be the source of someone else's irritation.  Knowing which businesses have restrooms that don't get all that much traffic generally makes this approach little problem to anyone.  With my two well-spaced sons, it was rare that anyone else ever showed up while they were in there; and when someone occasionally did they were more than understanding.

What about the relatively rare, high-traffic, restrooms?  If there's no way to avoid using them parents may have no choice but to bring young children in with them.  Aiming to find end stalls can help increase a sense of privacy to all involved.  If there is truly a lot of traffic coming and going, an older child may be less at risk because less is likely to go on in a crowded room.  Older children can be instructed to be careful, make sure the stall he uses is empty, and be prepared to yell if anyone approaches them.  Parents can stay just outside the door.   Extremely large, high-traffic, facilities should be a concern because there's a point where a "crowd" can get so big nobody notices what's going on.   If you're going to one of the relatively rare places you know has a facility so big it would be a concern, it makes sense to plan ahead and let the child go somewhere else beforehand (and/or limit how much he drinks before reaching the destination).

It does take just a little thought and effort to be able to know that public restrooms won’t ever be threat to your child – but not too much.  If you’re in a downtown area or mall it isn’t all that much effort to leave your shopping cart at the service desk and walk a few yards to another store.  If you’ve gotten where you are by car it isn’t even all that much extra effort to take a quick scoot across the street to the restaurant or store that has single-person facilities.  Yes, you may have to get up from the restaurant table, lug your one-year-old and bring your three-year-old, in order to stand outside a restroom while your eight-year-old uses it; but part of having children is the reality that things can be a little inconvenient much of the time.

Last resort and saving grace:  An “emergency-facilities” kit stored in the trunk of your car.  In my 36
“child-years” of having one or more children twelve years old or under it was only necessary to use the “emergency-facilities” kit once (for a four-year-old).  The reason I was prompted to put together the “emergency-facilities” kit, however, was that I had experienced one particularly disastrous incident that involved a three-year-old, an emergency, a Gatorade bottle, and being in a circumstance that involved sitting in an unmoving car for two hours.  Let’s just put it this way:  Some conscientious three-year-olds can get very upset when expected to empty their bladder in a way they feel is inappropriate or embarrassing, and it’s a very good thing that some eight-year-olds are as understanding as they are when they take the brunt of an upset little brother’s difficulties.

The “emergency-facilities” kit can be simple:

Note:  Some of the items on the following list should not be left in a hot or cold car/trunk.  Depending on the circumstances and weather, it may be necessary to eliminate some of the items mentioned and settle for only the most crucial ones.

Portable urinals designed specifically for children are available in stores that sell products for young children.  The simple fact that a child knows these products have been designed specifically for this purpose can make children like my little son more comfortable.

Zip-lock bags for transporting filled urinals are an added security.

A blanket or sheet to create privacy for the child who wants/needs it.

A travel-pack of tissues or toilet tissue.   Supermarkets, discount stores, and drug stores often sell purse-sized toilet tissue rolls for travel in the “trial-size” or “sample-size” bins.

A travel-pack of baby wipes can offer better cleaning than toilet tissue and are safe.

Moist towelettes for hands (or other uses).  A few small packets that can remain unopened are better than a large package/container, because once opened the larger packages tend to dry out.

Hand-sanitizer.  An all-natural spray like Remi-D is better for children.  Purell or other gels can be fine for kids who are past preschool age.  Today there are hand-sanitizing gels and foams designed specifically for children, and a cute container of hand sanitizer can further help the child feel more comfortable in knowing the “emergency-facilities” kit is designed specifically for his kind of emergency.  

Warning:  Keep in mind that some products are packaged in containers that should not be left in a hot trunk.  Mom’s purse or Dad’s pocket may be the best place to keep some items.  Another option is to forego anything that may pose a problem if it gets too hot.  

A  24-ounce, unopened, bottle of spring water – just in case you have a need for additional clean-up.

Reminder:  Water and other substances freeze in cold weather.

A spare pair of undies can be a good idea.  Even without a major “accident”, mishaps can occur when a child is using “emergency facilities”.

Extras:  A disinfecting hand foam like Lysol Healthy Touch doesn’t have to be used on hands.  It can also be used for wiping clean something like the outside surface of the urinal.  Lysol also makes a travel-size spray, which can be nice to have on hand although the contents are under pressure.    

Items on the “emergency-facilities” list can easily be stored in a cute tote-bag or relatively small plastic container.  Again, depending on the item and circumstances, some may need to be eliminated from the list or stored separately.

You may never use the “emergency-facilities” kit, but on long car rides it can surely beat highway rest areas; and it can come in handy anywhere where there are large crowds and questionable restrooms.

I’m sure that there are folks who will say, “Just the let the kid go in the woods or parking lot.”  (Recently, a controversy occurred when a Boston bus driver left the bus, went around to the back of it, and emptied his bladder.)  That approach doesn’t generally work well (or sit well) with young daughters.  In fact, a lot of young sons aren’t comfortable with it either.  Then, too, a lot of parents prefer to teach their children a more “civilized” approach to the unglamorous task of bladder-emptying.

The point is that, just as having a baby involves bringing along diapers and finding a place to change them, having older children can mean taking a few extra steps or bringing along a few extra things in order to deal with emergencies but also keep children safe.