Babies - Do's and Don'ts

As I was scanning the HubPages "questions" section I saw the words, "do's and don't with babies". My immediate reaction was, "Wow. This is pretty over-simplified." As I thought more about it I wondered if it were even possible to reduce everything parents need to know about babies into a list of "do's" and "don'ts". Then again, I thought of my approach with my three children; and I remembered what my mother, who came from a generation that had babies long before books about babies and products for parents and babies became the huge industry they are today, would say about being a mother of a baby.

My mother would say, "When I had my babies there weren't all these books and experts around, telling you what to do. I just knew I was ready for my children, wanted them, and loved them. I just brought my babies home from the hospital, took good care of them, and when they got old enough I told them right from wrong. You kids were good kids, you did well in school, and I didn't have any problems."

One thing my mother didn't really factor in whenever she'd say that was that she had had a lot of experience taking care of babies. She was more than familiar with the basics, and she had a genuine knack for understanding babies and knowing how to make them feel secure. Not a mother to care about making sure I knew how to cook, my mother made sure I knew how to take care of babies. Unlike my mother, I came from a generation often known for studying up on any new life endeavors about which we planned to embark; so before I had my children I "did my mother one better" by reading lots and lots about child development, and by developing my own philosophy of parenting. While all that studying up probably did make me a well informed parent, I'm not sure it necessarily made me a better one than my mother. I think, maybe, it made me a better parent of school-aged children, and I was pretty similar to my mother when it came to babies and preschoolers. Still, while the world has certainly had its share of mothers of babies who were every bit as "good mother" as my own was, I don't think there has ever been any mother who could have been any better with babies.

So, by the time I brought my first-born child, a 4 lb/12 oz premie, home the day after he was removed from the incubator I was oddly sure of myself in spite of concerns about the baby's prematurity. In all my reading prior to ever starting my family, I hadn't anticipated a premature delivery; but premature delivery aside, I think, when it came down to it, much of what I'd read "went out the window" as I found myself guided by the fiercely protective instinct and natural awareness of the helplessness of this tiny creature to whom I would present life and the world in his first years. What my mother and any books had taught me about things like feeding, changing, and recognizing signs of sickness in a baby was, without a doubt, useful. Still, it felt to me as if maternal instinct was almost a magical wisdom, empathy, and sureness with regard to just about everything but times when the baby was sick (in which case, I learned both priorities and how to rise to the occasion). Maybe the difference between bringing home your first newborn and subsequent newborns is just that discovering that maternal instinct is a surprise the first time. After that you know it will be there for the next baby and the one after that (if there are any others).

So, like my mother, I have to say that when I had my babies I knew I was ready for them, loved them, and brought them home and took good care of them; and when they were old enough I told them right from wrong. In spite of my immediate reaction to the idea of "do's" and "don't's" list for parents of babies, in a way I think caring for a baby isn't all that complicated at all.

Here's my list:

DO understand that it has to be "all about your baby" for about the first two years, because if you make it all about your child while he's new in this world, and forming his personality, you'll most likely get a two-year-old who is pretty happy, mostly reasonable, and generally amazingly easy to deal with.

So many well intentioned parents who understand that you can't let a child "grow like a weed" and hope he'll be the kind of person you want him to be take that a little bit too far and begin worrying about things like discipline, right from wrong, or reasonable rules about bedtime way, way, before the time they should. As a result, worrying about this stuff interferes with that natural know-how that comes from a solid maternal instinct.

Particularly in the first year of your baby's life, but right through to his third birthday, your child has a lot of development (both cognitive and physical) to get done. Whether he's a infant who can't sit up by himself and is carried wherever someone else wants him to go, or a two-year-old who can't quite express himself by speaking, or isn't emotionally "gracious" enough to deal with frustrations, your child isn't "finished". Your empathy can help you imagine what it must be like to be helpless or powerless in a world you don't understand.

By "all about your baby" I mean it has to be about you making him feel secure, respected, happy, safe, and responded to - not about whether you're exhausted, frazzled, or otherwise "not in the mood". It's a lot to ask of a mother, but it's reality.

DO hide your own exhaustion, frazzled state, or general bad mood from your baby; and figure out a way to let him feel you're in control, happy to care for him, and out to make him as happy as you can figure out to make him. Whatever it takes to remain calm and not let the tenseness be felt in the way you handle/hold your baby, that's a DO.

DO know that when your child is around two he'll actually love routines and hate breaking from them, so routines are something that can be taught at around two years old.

DO know that when your child is around three it will become "all about his relationship with special adults at home, and it will also become "all about his wanting to learn right from wrong and how things are done". Learning "what people do" and "what nice children do" is something three-year-olds thrive on, need, and are ready for. DON'T make the mistake of trying to teach your fourteen-month old how to behave properly at the dinner table. At three he'll be happy to have you share how things are done with him.

DO understand that until his language skills are sufficiently developed, and until he's emotionally mature enough to understand and deal with frustrations, your baby doesn't understand rules, the concept of right and wrong, or explanations about things like this. The way he'll learn self-control will begin when you interrupt unacceptable or aggressive behavior, even if he can't understand why his behavior was unacceptable. Take him away from the DVD player whenever he goes near it, interrupt his attempt to smack someone's face (or at least say, "no", with a "deadpan" tone, rather than a "dramatic" reaction), and rescue the cat from him if he picks her up. Eventually, even if he doesn't know why, he'll know these behaviors are interrupted every time he tries them.

DO understand that making it "all about his happiness" and "sense of security" doesn't mean always letting him do whatever he wants to do. It's more about generally aiming to respond to him and to understand the world through his eyes. It's about holding him and talking to him in a way that lets him feel treasured and safe and respected. It's about respecting him enough not to hold him when he wants to get down and run around. It's also, however, about minimizing the opportunities he has be hurt when he's too little to understand what caused the hurt. The ten-month old who runs freely on too many concrete walks and keeps falling down just experiences life as something that's always hurting. The two-year-old who is met with too many frowns and reprimands from relatives and other adults isn't being made to feel that he's particularly welcome in this world. DO figure out how to give your child some freedom with as little risk of physical hurt or negative messages from others as possible.

DO, however, understand that when you can't let your baby or toddler do what he wants to do he may be genuinely upset because he doesn't understand why you, the person he trusts, won't let him do what he wants. DO treat your child with the same understanding that you'd treat anyone else who was upset.

DO keep in mind that babies don't try to manipulate you or test you or otherwise "play games". They're not developed enough for that kind of thinking. They are what they are, which is pretty simple creature

DON'T think in terms of your baby "running the show" if you're responsive to him when he wants or needs something, even if it's your attention or attempt to make him feel better. Sometimes "running the show" means simply that a parent who doesn't feel like getting up to do something for the baby has to be the one to do what he doesn't feel like doing, rather than letting an unhappy baby be the one who has to do what he doesn't feel like doing. Be assured that no helpless, powerless, baby or toddler runs any shows for a good long time.

Besides, even if you decide that you'll always be there whenever your baby needs something or your attention, you're actually running a show that's far more important than whether you get up out of your chair as soon as your child cries. In the first three years of his life you're playing a huge role in the kind of child yours becomes. You're his first role model when it comes to how people treat other people, whether people he trusts to help him deserve that trust, and any number of other ways people are people. With younger babies it's "all about them and their needs", but as your baby grows he'll eventually begin to emulate you, One way toddlers learn is by mimicking those around them.

When parents aim to make their baby or toddler happy they usually end up with a toddler or preschooler who wants very much to make them happy as well. It's in children's nature (usually) to want to please adults anyway, but when parents have aimed to keep their baby happy and be responsive to him they're more likely to get a particularly cooperative and even reasonable two-year-old and preschooler. Besides making for a nice relationship (and more pleasant home environment) with your child, the "wanting-to-make-the-other-happy" thing is the foundation in which you can encourage good behavior in your child when he's older, and when matters of right and wrong become more complicated.

So DON'T think in terms of your baby/toddler "running the show" when you can't sleep as long as you wish or have to leave the grocery store because he's crying. These are small matters; and even if it doesn't look like you are, you are, without doubt, running a very important "show".s. They want something, need something, feel happy, feel unhappy, laugh, cry, or sleep. Something is bothering the one-year-old who won't stay in his crib, but he's not testing you. Teenagers may test you, but babies don't.

DON'T put the negative personality traits that you, or someone you know has, onto your baby or the reasons he does something like cry or want whatever it is he wants. If he doesn't play with another two-year-old it isn't because he's jealous, and if he cries it isn't because he wants to be the center of attention. He's just frustrated, miserable, or tired.

DO know if you're someone who knows general baby care practices, and if you're not learn them.

DO pay attention to experts or experienced mothers who are good with babies when it comes to some of the most basic baby-care tasks.

DON'T pay attention to anyone else when it comes to parenting in general. If you are a normal mother with a normal maternal instinct your instinct will serve you and your baby far better than anyone else's input ever will. DON'T listen to anyone who tells you, "You'll make a baby out of him." (He is, after all, a baby.) DON'T listen to anyone who tells you you have to be rougher with your baby boy. "His boyness will take care of itself later, and besides, there is such a thing as little boys who aren't aggressive."

DON'T listen to anyone who says you should let your baby cry, rather than respond to him.

DON'T listen to anyone who tells you you'll spoil your baby.

DO respond to your baby when he cries. If you don't know why he's crying keep trying, calmly, to figure it out. Even if you're not able to fix his unhappiness he'll at least sense that you're trying; which is always better than letting him think his mother is not responsive.

DO talk to your baby, no matter how young he is.

DO be aware that babies can be over-stimulated and get "frazzled" when there's too much going on around them. There's a difference between going out and having things going on around them (which is good) and having too many different things (and maybe too many different kids of sounds and lighting) all at the same time. Even when what's going on is just right for your baby, he'll still need some quiet time.

DO be affectionate with your baby. Hold him up over your shoulder, so he can curl his legs and feel your face near his. Stroke his upper back, hands, arms at times. Keep in mind that stroking his neck, the back of his head, or his temples can help him relax.

DO use an affectionate, pleasant, voice.

DON'T ever leave your baby unattended on a furniture or in a carriage or any surface from which he could fall, just because you believe he can't, for example, roll over yet. Babies roll over when we aren't looking, and if it's true he hasn't done it yet this could be the day he figures out how.

DO take advantage of "carrying from one place to another" for simple little gestures of affection.

DO keep in mind that a routine is generally best for a baby, but that, either because his needs change or because life gets in the way, there are times when you'll have to adjust your routine for a day or so, and that's fine too. The world won't collapse if he isn't in his crib by 7:30 p.m. Neither will your baby be damaged for life.

DON'T make the mistake of waiting until you think your baby is ready to pay attention to talking before you talk to him. Long before he's anywhere near speaking your baby's brain is developing and laying a foundation for later speech. Talk to him. Sing to him. Tell him what's going on, whether you're getting his bath ready or finding his blue shirt in the drawer. No matter how little he is, say things like "one arm/other arm" when you're changing his shirt, and "one foot/other" when you're changing his socks and shoes.

DON'T treat your non-speaking infant like he's luggage that you carry around. Treat him, instead, more like a little companion who needs you to fill him in on what's happening, as well as entertain him with words and songs, and generally make him feel you're trying to communicate with him and make him a part of the world around him.

DO keep in mind that while the most upscale, attractive, baby equipment may be fun for you to have it doesn't make a shred of difference to your baby whether he's in a bargain stroller or not (as long as it's safe).

DO provide your baby with toys/activities that are age appropriate, and you can learn what is age-appropriate by reading up on infant development and/or reading packages.

DON'T overlook books, no matter how young your baby is. Books designed for babies are available, and one activity that often keeps a baby engrossed for amazingly long periods of time is looking at pictures in baby books.

DON'T overlook the fact that one of the most engaging and important play activities for a baby is having a parent play with him, entertain him, or show him things such as how to stack toys and knock them down.

DON'T play with a baby in a way that might be fun and exciting for an older child (and if it isn't the older child can tell you he doesn't like it). Keep in mind that your baby can't tell you when he's a little nervous or frazzled. There'll be time for " wild" play, but keep your baby's emotional and physical immaturity, as well as need to feel secure, in mind before getting too "wild" with him in play.

DO hold your baby in a way that feels absolutely secure. Depending on your baby's nature, you may not be able to tell if slinging him carelessly across your forearm may make him feel a little less secure; but you can never go wrong by holding him in a way that will unmistakably make him feel he's secure.

DO call your doctor as soon as you think your baby is sick.

DON'T "fool around", thinking he's not sick enough to call the doctor yet.

DON'T adults pass your baby around from one to another. It can be frazzling, particularly when your baby is very young. Also, if your baby seems frazzled try not to pass him back and forth (especially in frustration or frantically) between you and another adult. This can make him more frazzled as well.

DO remember what a precious, precious, gift your baby is (not just on the days immediately following his birth when the baby balloons are still inflated and the flowers haven't died yet, but for the rest of time).

DON'T be a parent who is happy with your newborn because he sleeps a lot and doesn't do much of anything, but then - eight months later - is on Yahoo Answers asking about how to discipline your "naughty" eight-month old.

DO childproof your home.

DON'T leave your baby alone with older children and/or pets.

DO plan to always know where your baby is at all times for the next few years at least.

DON'T compare your baby to others. If your pediatrician is happy with your child's growth and development that's all that matters.

DON'T make the mistake of believing that your two-or-so and under child "should be" talking by now. Some babies may start using their own version of words as early as eight months and then polish up their baby-version of speech as they get more beyond their first birthday. Some say little until they're two and then start talking as if they're thirty. Some use baby talk until they get most words correct but still have a few to "perfect" at four. None of it has anything to do with how intelligent your child is.

DON'T make the mistake of believing if your child walks later than some he may not be as intelligent. Large motor development and cognitive motor development are two different things. On "Ask Dr. Sears" the doctor notes that babies who walk early are often "less thoughtful" than those who take a little longer to walk.

DO keep in mind that if you spend the first two years of your child's life, focusing on talking to him, playing with him, making him feel secure, happy (as often as possible), and understood you'll more likely get a happier two-year-old, who is more likely to have well developed language skills (assuming he doesn't have a disability of some sort) and who can understand some of your explanations for things and people who frustrate him.

DO keep in mind that in the first year of his life your baby won't even know he is a separate person from you. In the second year of his life, once he learns that, life can be particularly challenging for him for a while. In his third year he'll know, beyond a doubt, that he is his own person; but dealing with life as the youngest age at which one is an "independent person" has it's new set of challenges. By the time your child is three he'll have worked out the bugs of being the difficult age of two, and he'll seem to be "in love" you, his parent(s). Life for him is no longer "all about his own wants and needs". At three your child will want to get to know you better, the workings of him home and yard better, and anything/anyone else with whom/which he comes in contact during his days. When your child is three that's the year you will build a new and different kind of relationship with him upon which your future relationship will be built.

DO understand that your three-year-old wants and needs your attention, approval, admiration and conversation more than he may ever need it in his life. DON'T disappoint your tiny child by not noticing this and making him feel a sadness that could be similar to that of unrequited love (but at an age when he's too young to understand it).

DO keep in mind that for the first three years of his life your child truly needs your attention all through the day. So often mothers with one infant and one two-year-old who is whining will say something like, "Oh, he just wants attention." Well, yes he does. He needs attention. The kind of attention/nurturing he gets in the first few years of life can affect things like how his stress-response or immune system function for the rest of his life. As they approach four children tend to want to expand their world beyond their parents and home, but before then they still very much need a whole lot of individual and positive attention. This is not to say "DON'T" have another baby before first is three or four. It is, however, to say that having two who need you as much as they will will be particularly challenging; and figuring out a way to offer both what they need in terms of attention is something mothers of two babies/toddler need to do.

DO keep in mind that fathers and grandparents can (or should be able to) offer infants what they need while a mother devotes some individual time with the older child.

Of course, from birth on up, your child will always need your love, approval, admiration, conversation, and respect; so DON'T think that three is the only age when he needs these things.

Assuming you are ready to be a mother (and if you weren't before that you got yourself ready when you need to); and assuming you have a normal maternal instinct (and if, for some reason, you don't that you'll learn what it is and how to develop it); Nature has pretty much given mothers what they need to get their baby off to a great start.

You've got two arms to hold him securely, hands to stroke his head or hands, a neck to let him snuggle into, and a voice with which you can reassure him, make him laugh, play word games, and sing to him. You've got two eyes with which to engage his and help him connect to the world with a level of intimacy only mothers share with their babies. You've got a mouth with which to smile at him, and with which you can make silly noises on his belly.

DO have self-confidence when it comes to your ability to do what is right by and for your baby.

DO keep in mind that there is no greater guide in this world than your drive to keep your baby safe and happy, and the instinct that helps tell you how to do that. The thing about maternal instinct is that is also tends to let you know when you're not doing something right too.

DO know that if you do what my mother did (and what I did because I saw the truth in what she said); which is to "just take good care of your baby", "Make sure he knows you love him," and "Tell him right from wrong when he's old enough to understand what you're saying," there's a good chance all will turn out well. Perfect? No - but sometimes close to it, and if not close then at least pretty well.

Finally, DO keep in mind that whatever stage or age your child is today won't last for long (in fact, won't nearly last long enough).