A Reply to a Biological Sister Looking for Her Adopted, Younger Sister
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Author's Note
This Hub is written in response to a question a reader asked on one of my Hubs about adopted children. My reply doesn't really help the person who has asked the question, but I wanted to reply because of the nature of the question. My reply was too long for the "questions" section, so I'm making it into a Hub.
The young woman asking the question is 27 and adopted. She has learned she has a 10-year-old sister who was also adopted and was interested in what her rights, as a birth sister, may be; as well as hoping to find information that would help her know how she might learn more about her sister.
Caroline, I responded to your question immediately after seeing it, but I'm sorry that, for some reason, it didn't show up. (Maybe there was a technical problem with editing. Anyway, here's what I had hoped you would see back when I first replied to your question: Caroline, I think the best bet may be to contact the agency (was it a state agency/department, since you were 10?) through which you were adopted to start. Maybe your sister was adopted through the same agency/DCF/etc.
To the best of my understanding, you would not be given information about your sister; but they might put you in touch with whoever it is that could keep your information on file and/or act as a middle-person, who might then contact the parent(s) of your sister and ask if they would want their child to meet you now, or at some time in the future. I have an adopted son, and his case a "middle man" agency contacted him just after his 21st birthday to ask if he was interested in meeting his birth mother. Apparently, she had been put in touch with one of the agencies that acts as "middle man".
Adoptive parents do think differently about whether or not they think it's good for their child to meet birth family before reaching a certain level of maturity. So, there's the chance the adoptive parents would rather your sister be older when she meets birth family. On the other hand, maybe they won't. Also, they may be willing to talk or write to you, even if they're concerned about the impact meeting you, herself, might have on your sister.
Sometimes these "middle-man" agencies (or even the agency, itself) would be willing to pass along letters without divulging anyone's personal information. I may have, unfortunately, chosen a poorly worded title for this Hub; because by "rights" I meant "moral rights" rather than "legal rights". I'm not really someone knowledgeable enough about legal rights to offer much help here; but I do think the rights issue may be more a matter of your sister's rights (to information - at least at some time in the future) as an adopted person, rather than anyone else's rights to information about her. I believe, as in the case of my son, there are times when the birth mother's wish to meet the child are considered. I'm not sure about siblings being put in touch with an adopted sibling.
I'm under the impression, though, that "adoption people" would welcome one-way information that can be shared with the adopted person at some point. I do that while your sister remains a minor (under 18, possibly 21, depending on what the laws regarding adoption-related matters are where you live), whether or not information about her is shared, or whether she meets or knows about you, is up to her parents. Any rights to information she will have one day will become her rights once she is of legal age. As an adoptive mother (closed adoption), I know that if someone had asked me to reply to letters sent through a middle-man, I certainly would have welcomed information from them; and certainly would have written back (although not with information about my son's name, address, school, etc.) I'm sorry this title was misleading. I may try to change it. Best wishes in getting to at least meet your sister at some point.
- Adoptee Reunion - Birth Family Meeting for the First Time
The story of when I found out I had a big sister. - How do I find and meet my sister who I never met. She was adopted out 19 years ago - Avvo.com
How do I find and meet my sister who I never met. She was adopted out 19 years ago How do I arrange to meet my sister who was adopted out by ACS in New York 19 years ago. She was taken from home and... - Adoption, International, Domestic, Waiting Child, Baby, Infant, Open, Adoption, Adopt, Adopting, Ado
Adoption.com is the authority for all things adoption. Check out our resources about pregnancy, domestic & international adoption, parenting, adoptees, foster parenting and more. - Sibling Bonds and Separations Adopted Children Adoptive Families
Since sibling relationships are potentially the longest relationship we will ever have mental health professionals believe they are more influential than the relationships with our parents, spouses, or children. Children in foster care and those in a - Sibling Issues in Foster Care and Adoption: A Bulletin for Professionals - Table of Contents
- Find Your Birth Family Now!
Are you searching for your birth parents or adopted child? Our research team will FIND THEM FAST!
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it must be such a difficult and complicated situation... Of course the children's rights and emotions must be placed first, but so often you read of birth mothers who were no more than children themselves when forced unwilling into a decision they've regretted with every passing day.
Such a delicate subject and you must get satisfaction from helping others.
Whatever the outcome I feel you gave her good advice also.
Take care
Eiddwen.
alekhouse, I hope it helps some too, but I don't think there's a lot of help for this young woman in what I was able to offer her. I do know there are times when parents of adopted children (adoptive parents, that is) believe that their particular child will benefit from meeting/being in touch with siblings. I know two cases where, once the parents learned the siblings was "out there" they made it a point to put their child in touch. I'm kind of glad that with my adopted-from-infancy son I didn't know who or what he had for siblings/half-siblings until he was able to obtain that information himself. Siblings weren't part of the information I, as an adoptive mother, would have been given. I don't really know how I would have dealt with how much my son knew/saw if I had had that information.
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StarCreate, "difficult and complicated" without question. Personally, I would never have wanted my own daughter (as a teen) to go through having a baby and then placing him/her for adoption. The difficult thing is that when we have a baby (whether we keep it or not) that's end of it ever being "about us" and the beginning of it always having to be about that child's needs/emotional well-being (among other things). Being adopted, itself, already means a child has an issue in his life that could potentially pose some sets of emotional "issues". After adoption has taken place, adoptive mothers (and everyone else involved in the child's life) has to hope "everyone" handles the whole situation just right. What's "just right" isn't always the same for every child. As you say, it's just, plain, difficult for someone like a regretful birth mother's needs to have to be a matter of "my child's wellbeing or me" once the adoption has taken place. Basically, those are options that mean if someone chooses "me" she's either going to "throw off" the child's wellbeing, or else just risk it - and not too many people would opt for that. (And the ones who would are the ones most likely to cause "issues" if given the chance to act on that choice.) It's essentially a no-win/no-good-answers situation; and it would just be far better if young mothers weren't faced with placing a baby for adoption at all.
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Eiddwen, thank you. Maybe it's not so much getting satisfaction from helping others as it not being able to at least try to help some. :) Either way, it doesn't feel great when you know you haven't been much help.
As an adoptee, I really appreciate reading this Hub. I know from my non-identifying information that I have a half-sister (birth father's child) and I've wondered about her before. I've also given thought to opening the can of worms that would be the search process. My adoptive parents are incredibly supportive of any decision I make.
Thank you for your information and perspective in this post!
seekingmeme, thank you for sharing your own situation here. As an adoptive mother, I used to wonder about any birth siblings my son may have too. I knew, because I'd requested delivery records for him, that my son was not the birth mother's first delivery.
It was pretty much a can of worms for my son when he met the "birth people", but it was also, I think, good for him to get to meet them, talk to them, get to know them (even if he eventually drifted back away from them all), and just kind of be able to fill in those blanks.
As an adoptive mother, I just kind of always knew there was the likelihood my son would want to meet his birth family. My only thing was that I wanted him to be old enough not to be thrown for a loop if things were as he expected (in one way or another). I knew, as an adoptive mother with a closed adoption, that part of the deal is just that children usually eventually meet at least the birth mother. I saw it as his right. I didn't get to meet the birth mother, but I did get to meet one brother and one sister. They're both younger than my son, so I thought maybe it was good for them to meet their birth brother's mother too. I thought maybe they could use some filling in of blanks too. Besides, it meant they could go back and tell their own mother what kind of person I was (for good or ill), so maybe she'd have some blanks filled in as well.
Even with a reunion that was that "can of worms", my son and I (and he and his father) are are close as ever, maybe closer in ways). It's nice that you know your parents are supportive of either choice you make. (I have a brother-in-law who's adopted, and he absolutely doesn't want to know anything about his birth family. I guess it depends on the person. :) )
You are such a helping person. God bless you. Awesome hub.
alekhouse Level 4 Commenter 14 months ago
So nice that you took the time to help this person out. You've given her some good information. I hope it helps.